25 Reasons Why ‘Gravity’ Sucked

Really, I could do 50 but they would all be about how scientifically wrong this movie is. I won’t bother you with that because you can see those on many other sites. Not much actually happened in this movie either, making it pointless to 50. It’s like ‘Open Water’ in space.

Gravity (2013)

Rated PG-13 | For Intense perilous sequences, some disturbing images and brief strong language

Synopsis: The destruction of their shuttle leaves two astronauts stranded in space with no hope of rescue.

25 Reasons Why ‘Gravity’ Sucked

1. If there is no sound in space, then shouldn’t this be a silent film?

2. I didn’t think people were supposed to be off tether like George Clooney?

3. NASA paying millions of dollars for George Clooney to just be fucking around on his space jet pack.

4. Camera constantly bobbling around.

5. George Clooney’s stories that nobody cares about. The constant rambling.

6. Sandra yelling “Ah! Ah! Ah!”. Obnoxious.

7. Seems like maybe she had better odds staying attached…

8. What is so red & shining on her, that’s not the sun. I know the cameras are going for aesthetically pleasing, but seriously.

9.Would she stop spinning? I don’t think she would slow down.

10. This dude would not look like this. His head would have combusted.

11. A retainer & Marvin the Martian fly out the gaping hole in the shuttle, but not two bodies.

12. I think George & Sandra would know not to be talking so much since it wastes oxygen.

13. She knows she’s low on oxygen, and yet, freaks out. Even as a nurse (what she’s supposed to be on Earth), you know that freaking out only makes your breathing worse. She should know better.

14. Yeah, the shoots are loose & all, but not the last part of them. She could have pulled him in just fine.

15. Plus, I don’t understand what is making him pull so bad in the first place. In real life, if he let go of her, he would just continue to float right next to her- no flinging off into space.

16. She takes her first layer of suit off & all she has are booty shorts & a tank top? WHAT? What about the diaper & all the sweat?

17.   Going into that pod with all of that oxygen & her being so low on it- She would get so high breathing it all in.

18. For the record, I would have noticed the sparks and the mini fire.

19. It probably took her another 7 minutes to put another suit on!

20. That whole fire extinguisher thing- yeah, NO. She’d be all over the place with that thing. Nice try, though.

21. She’s not concerned this space craft is shaking like it’s got Parkinson’s.

22. It’s not likely that this space station would “die” this quickly.

23. Once again, movie writers blaming everything on the Russians.

24. Even I know to take off all my heavy clothes before leaving a pod that has landed in water.

25. Gravity sickness. Lay there. Enjoy it.

FAIL.

50 Reasons Why ‘War Horse’ Sucked

3 Feb 2013

Current Thoughts: Too pretty, no emotion.

• War Horse
• Opened December 25, 2011 | Runtime:2 hr 26 min
• PG-13

  Intense sequences of war violence

• Information for parents: Common Sense Media says OK for kids 13+. Read More
• An epic adventure for audiences of all ages. Set against a sweeping canvas of rural England and Europe during the First World War, “War Horse” begins with the remarkable friendship between a horse named Joey and a young man called Albert, who tames and trains him. When they are forcefully parted, the film follows the extraordinary journey of the horse as he moves through the war, changing and inspiring the lives of all those he meets—British cavalry, German soldiers, and a French farmer and his granddaughter—before the story reaches its emotional climax in the heart of No Man’s Land.
• Cast: Jeremy Irvine, Peter Mullan, Emily Watson, Niels Arestrup, David Thewlis
• Director: Steven Spielberg
• Genres: Drama

1. I know horses are pretty big when they’re born, but holy hell that thing was huge.

2. That’s an already trained horse coming for that apple.

3. “That horse look slike a solid one over there.” Really, just buy the Clysdale.

4. 30 Guineas? Maybe you should slow down on the drinking.

5. Guineas btw, what, do they just carry around a crate of Guineas around the market?

6. Weird lighting on the family & house. Is this whole set on a studio?

7. Not going for oats. He was completely social before this.

8. This horse is very tiny. Unless that kid is like, 7 feet tall. What kind of bitty Thoroughbred is this?

9. Barn lighting when man tries to shoot horse.

10. What is with this stupid fucking goose? This isn’t ‘Charolett’s Web’.

11. That was super easy putting the plow on the horse.

12. Where are all these people coming from? They all just randomly showed up quietly.

13. He’d be so dirty & fucked up from being dragged up that rocky hill.

14. God it got dark & rainy really unrealistically fast.

15. The horse neighs while plowing through a rock like, ‘FUCK YOU ROCK!’

16. The soil looks like its been sopping wet with rain for months.

17. ‘He never gave up.’ Are you sure about that? He look slike a given up drunk to me.

18. After running all the way down to town & the kid isn’t even slightly breathless.

19. The amount of double shadows I’ve seen so far…

20. The horses next to each other in the stalls & the black one’s head is huge but when they are training next to each other, they are the same size.

21. He obviously doesn’t have a girlfriend when all he does all day is draw pictures of his horse.

22. Slices across the backI can’t see you dying from, but stabbing in the front, yes.

23. They are shooting at the horses jumping over them & only hitting the people, not mowing down a single horse.

24. All the dead horses & people perfectly spaced & layed out.

25. The German brothers don’t even look like brothers- or Germans.

26. Both horses perfer to lay while sleeping.

27. Brown horse is bigger than the black in the French stables.

28. The Germans didn’t see the girl run by with two horses as they approached the house.

29. You still don’t know how your parents died & you’re how old?

30. Girl’s Grandpa is talking. Bored. very boring. Get to the point of the story…. Your parents were carrier pigeons?

31. Why the fuck would a dress look like that under a blanket? You can’t be that stupid.

32. All the horses jerked when the one horse was shot but they are war horses. They should be used to it.

33. Joey putting his life in front of the black horse’s. For the second time. The first time was a stretch, this one I definitely don’t believe.

34. The posts on fire are perfectly spaced apart for asthetic purposes?

35. Because going after one horse is super smart even though you just saw a shit ton of Germans run the other way.

36. Spielberg tried way too hard for emotion that I’m completely not feeling.

37. I think someone would have gotten run over by now from Joey running through the trench.

38. Of course the men helping Joey in barbedwire both speak English with no accents.

39. Taking forever to shoot horse.

40. No one would think anything of the horse looking towards the kid.

41. No one would be parting the way for the kid either.

42. Seems like everyone is wasting their time in this war. Dealing with this boy & his horse, let’s all just stand around.

43. Should’ve believed him. It comes to him on a dove call should have been enough.

44. The lighting while they people are arguing about the auction.

45. As a parent I would swear that my kid signed up just to go to war, kill the original guy who got Joey, then came home.

46. Epic dramatic lioghting along with sunset.

47. More overdramatic music.

48. No wind at all.

49. I STILL feel no connection between the horse & the kid.

50. Title at the end of the movie because I forgot what I was watching.

FAIL.

50 Reasons Why ‘The Roommate’ Sucked

26/Aug/2012

Current Thoughts: Still trying to figure out this “instant death from razor” trick…

• The Roommate
• Opened February 4, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr 33 min
• PG-13

  violence and menace, sexual content, some language and teen partying

• Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 14+. Read More
• • An emotionally unstable college freshman (Leighton Meester) grows obsessed with her unsuspecting roommate in Danish director Christian E. Christiansen’s English-language debut.
  • Cast: Leighton Meester, Minka Kelly, Cam Gigandet, Alyson Michalka, Danneel Harris
  • Director: Christian E. Christiansen
  • Genres: Suspense/Thriller

50 Reasons Why ‘The Roommate’ Sucked

1. She’s like a 30 year old freshman.

2. You want to wait for your roommate that you haven’t met yet to show up instead of go out like a normal person?

3. Feeling dizzy? She can’t possibly be this naive about the punch.

4. Sarah is already protective of what Tracey does & they just met. Btw, the character’s full name in this is TRACEY MORGAN. Like the black guy.

5. “I’m your roommate, Rebecca.” Why are you sitting in here with the lights off like a creeper?

6. Random Emily the Strange sticker on the wall even these two look like they’ve never stepped foot in a Hot Topic before.

7. “You’re in college now. A girl’s gotta move on.” Have unprotected sex & gang bangs, try drugs, & get crabs.

8. “Frienderz”? What, is Sony not allowed to use Facebook in their movies anymore?

9. “Clubs aren’t my thing.” Instantly goes emo.

10. Lift your hat up if you can’t see.

11. “I promise I won’t abandon you, hee hee.” Let’s have some more horrible acting.

12. Sarah weirded out by the nurse art for no reason.

13. How’d you get the camera out so fast & geez, taking Myspace pics like a pro.

14. “This keeps her with me.” On my boob so when guys take money shots on my chest…

15. This chick sounds & acts too much like Jennifer Lopez. But at least J-Lo is somewhat of a better actress.

16. Cuddles? That’s the best name you could think of? No imagination whatsoever and she is supposed to be in design class.

17.  “Were you close to her?” No shit.

18. Of course, her first day at work & it explodes all over her. That’s like the first thing you learn- cover it.

19. Dude comes in, cuts in front of the line & everyone’s ok with her dropping everything just to chit chat with him.

20. Piercing an ear with dangly earrings… No. You could do it with studs because they have sharp points but these earrings would just bend & probably snap.

21. And it’s not some syrupy drip that would come out; you’d have actual red blood.

22. Really, what a shitty reaction. Tracey says she’s crazy & you’re like ‘whatevs’. You’re not at least curious?

23. If I were Tracey, the most I’d be afraid is that I’d get bullied, not fucking killed. And I’d for sure go to the fucking cops after that shit.

24. Who turns off their phone for no reason?

25. The most stupid “bet” ever. It’s like they’re in middle school. What a waste of time.

26. Now why would you leave your phone? Why does this girl even have a phone?

27. This is the most shittiest soundtrack to a movie ever by the way.

28. This “sex scene” wouldn’t have lasted this long if he really was a college guy.

29. I thought the first year you are in college you have to live on campus, in a dorm.

30. I like how some people get kneed in the balls & it’s nbd & others are down & out like Billy Zane here.

31. The band is not even the slightest bit sweaty.

32. “Only places we get booked…” Dude, you’re in college, be happy you are getting coffee shops.

33. Got a little Edward Norton here. You know how long you would have to hit yourself for it to look like you got your ass kicked? Fucking forever.

34. Never brought anyone home? As I parent I’d just think she was a lesbian.

35. Sarah making a beeline for her drawing pad. ALWAYS wait at least 5 minutes after someone leaves. Christ.

36. Wanting to know what this medication is. Ugh. GOOGLE THAT SHIT ON YOUR CELL PHONE. Does she even know she has a phone?

37. “Rick” would be burning just for having gasoline on him, she doesn’t even have to set him on fire.

38. I’m surprised Sarah doesn’t say anything at all about the tattoo right then & there. Any other person would probably have a shit fit.

39. Thank God Rebecca already had hair dye, her necklace, & her tattoo that’s already apparently healed. So convenient.

40. Btw that’s a very obvious temporary tattoo.

41. They aren’t really stabs because it’s a razor, so they’re like, short, shallow ones. You’d really have to work at it to kill him.

42. Sarah doesn’t believe in light switches.

43. That’s a strong ass curtain.

44. Screams & shots fired & no one in the building is turning on their lights to investigate or poke their heads out or even yell “are you ok?”

45. Sarah, the gun is not firing. Quit trying & don’t wait for her to attack you like you are doing now.

46. One little razor stab in the back. It’s like an inch & a half blade & she’s down & dead.

47. Rebecca’s hair in her face- go to Sarah- back to Rebecca & BAM that hair is gone.

48. Chains always come off so easily in movies.

49. I’m disappointed we don’t find out why Rebecca is crazy or her back story. She is the only interesting character in this movie.

50. Sarah going back to a dorm.

FAIL.

50 Reasons Why ‘The Hunger Games’ Sucked

20/Aug/2012
Current Thoughts: Still not quite understanding the big hype.

The Hunger Games

Opened March 23, 2012 | Runtime:2 hr 22 min

PG-13
Intense violent thematic material and disturbing images – all involving teens

Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 13+. Read More

Every year in the ruins of what was once North America, the Capitol of the nation of Panem forces each of its twelve districts to send a teenage boy and girl to compete in the Hunger Games. A twisted punishment for a past uprising and an ongoing government intimidation tactic, The Hunger Games are a nationally televised event in which “Tributes” must fight with one another until one survivor remains. Sixteen year old Katniss Everdeen volunteers in her younger sister’s place to enter the games, and is forced to rely upon her sharp instincts as well as the mentorship of drunken former victor Haymitch Abernathy when she’s pitted against highly-trained Tributes who have prepared for these Games their entire lives. If she’s ever to return home to District 12, Katniss must make impossible choices in the arena that weigh survival against humanity and life against love.

Cast: Jennifer Lawrence , Josh Hutcherson , Liam Hemsworth , Woody Harrelson, Elizabeth Banks,Lenny Kravitz, Stanley Tucci, Donald Sutherland
Director: Gary Ross
Genres: Action/Adventure, Drama

Real quick, just want to point out that this 50 is based off the MOVIE ONLY. That means we NEVER READ THE BOOKS. Pretend as if there were no such things as the books & someone just made this up as a movie. We have to clarify this sometimes because there are retards out there that have to leave a comment going “hurr durr if you read the book”. This isn’t a website on reviews about movies that came from books. We aren’t comparing jack shit. Ok, moving on…

 

50 Reasons Why ‘The Hunger Games’ Sucked
1. This movie is supposed to be 2 ½ hours long & they STILL have to add shit that I have to read in the beginning. I highly doubt it’s that deep.
2. Stereotypical cat randomly hissing.
3. Why doesn’t anyone else slip through this fence since it’s no big deal for her & it’s not even electric.
4. That sure does look like an expensive jacket & really nice boots for her being poor & all.

5. Should have known you were upwind. Amateur.
6. She can get the bird in midair but not the deer trotting away.
7. I’d take a squirrel over bread. Bread will leave you hungry in 2.5 seconds.
8. Looks like a Mormon concentration camp.

9. Everyone’s all mopey. They should be used to this. Or not have kids.
10. So if your name gets called you suddenly have the plague because no one wants to be around you.
11. Not really a hat, more like a flower.

12. Katniss is more of a mother than her actual mother.
13. How’d Gale get in to say goodbye to her when they made a big deal about her seeing her actual family?
14. 2^nd flashback & I already don’t care to find out the relationship with these two.
15. Who the fuck casted this movie, it’s so random.
16. Where did the black kid bludgeon the Asian? In the chest? His head is completely intact.
17. Seneca’s got a lot of work into that beard. Hopefully he only does it around The Hunger Games because I would have shaved it all off. Too much effort.

18. District 12 are the ones that look good. The others look like they went into Party City looking for the mock Lady Gaga outfits.
19. Why would you want to look at a street full of people. Those screens are supposed to be serene.
20. About fucking time we find out about these Katniss & Peeta.

21. Painting on camo: because he’s going to have all the time in the world out there to do that. Pathetic foreshadowing regardless.

22. God, just shoot the apple already; quit staring at it.
23. I’m sick of Woody calling her ‘sweetheart’.
24. I also hate this foreshadowing of Rue being important. I get it; you don’t have to keep randomly showing her.
25. Hope. Hope for what?
26. Peeta started off well on tv & totally made it awkward. Josh Hutcherson is a little bitch in every role he plays though, so this isn’t too surprising, it was just a matter of when.
27. No one cares to ask about the tracker except her. That shit would be coming out of me asap.

28. Cinnabon: “I’m not allowed to bet, but if I did, I’d bet on you.” Do you say that to all the girls you dress?

29. The guy counting down “25, 24, 23, hold on a sec *coucgh cough* let me get a drink of water, 22, 21…”
30. I don’t know why this is such a big girl power movie. All the teeny boppers have to actually learn skills. You aren’t born like this.
31. Alliances forming? They were already in cliques to begin with. Someone wasn’t paying attention.
32. I like how Katniss always finds the perfect trees to sleep in.
33. Shooting fireballs at her, burning her leg. You couldn’t just send someone out there to be like, “Uh hey, you gotta turn around.” That’s kind of missing the point of the game. The kids are supposed to be hurting & killing, you are mediating.
34. Wtf was that lizard doing in the woods.
35. I think anyone else would have fallen out of this tree by now trying to get to the wasps.
36. So these bee things are already gone AND rigor mortis is already setting in.
37. Because Mockingjays don’t make noise any other time.
38. Katniss breathing out even though she’s drawing her bow out a second time, aiming at the fruit.
39. Kind of weird the pile of stuff blew up & not the mines around the pile of stuff.
40. Rue & her sitting there but Rue’s killer’s cannon hasn’t gone off. Rue’s cannon hasn’t gone off either? That guy on a break or something/
41. I’m surprised Katniss’ arrows didn’t fall out when she threw herself on Rue’s body. In my quiver they would have.
42. Change the rules like that after 74 years?
43. Gale- disappointed by their kiss, but seriously- you didn’t ever attempt that when you were around her, you just gave her bread. That’s not a panny dropper, so get over it, and find someone else.
44 I like how everything is in ointment form. No matter what your problem is.
45. Really? You’re adding a pig dog thing? That’s not the game then. Again, the kids are supposed to be killing each other. If you are bored & want it to end quicker, then you should have just made the map smaller.
46. She hasn’t shot Cato already. You can shoot him any time now. Getting’ bored.
47. I would have thought the arrow would go through his hand & into Cato’s neck.
48. ADD with her braid.
49. Peeta didn’t get a crown.

50. Yeah, 2 hours & this could have been chopped a lot. Into a normal length  movie at least.
FAIL.

50 Reasons Why ‘Chronicle’ Sucked

14/Jun/2012

Current Thoughts: “I’m not Akira! I am Tetsuo.”

Chronicle

• Opened February 3, 2012 | Runtime:1 hr 24 min
• PG-13

  Some Language, Sexual Content, Intense Action and Violence, Teen Drinking and Thematic Material

• Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 14+. Read More
• Andrew is a socially awkward, introverted teen whose main form of escape and expression is a video camera. But things begin to change when Andrew, his cousin Matt and popular classmate Steve discover a mysterious substance that leaves them with incredible powers. As their abilities become more powerful, the teens’ lives spin out of control when their darker sides begin to emerge. Andrew’s camera captures the unfolding events.
• Cast: Dane DeHaan, Alex Russell, Michael B. Jordan, Michael Kelly, Ashley Hinshaw, Bo Petersen, Anna Wood, Rudi Malcolm, Luke Tyler
• Director: Josh Trank
• Genres: Action/Adventure, Suspense/Thriller

50 Reasons Why ‘Chronicle’ Sucked

1. Of course: Drunk dad, emo kid.

2. “I bought a camera & I’m filming everything.” That wouldn’t stop me if I were drunk dada. I’d take it, smash it, ruin the tapes, etc.

3. Go figure, mom’s sick. How many other clichés can we add to this?

4. Crunching of chips. It’s so loud as if he’s wearing a mic.

5. Bullying the kid in front of a video camera. Idiots. Show that shit to your principle. Or the cops.

6. Slides the camera on the ground towards you. Why didn’t you catch it?

7. Not take the camera to a party? Kids would love that shit.

8. Shittiest light on that camera.

9. He acts like he’s never been hit by his dad before.

10. It always has to be that awkward huge camera, not a little flip cam.

11. So what if there is another person filming, and a girl. Does not mean you HAVE to fall in love with her.

12. It’s a rave- you can’t chit chat in there like they are.

13. He turns it off when he gets shit on his camera. But then he turns it on & cries on camera while he cleans it. Kill yourself.

14. Crazy moonlight.

15. This is way too nice to just be a hole in the ground, no fishers or anything.

16. “It’s messing with it.” He wouldn’t be able to tell if the sound was messing with the camera until he plays it back, when you are recording, you don’t hear the interference.

17. Positioning Matt & Steve- how about you just zoom out?

18. That was the worst CGI baseball. Wow & legos.

19. Cave sunk in. ZOOM OUT. People don’t ALWAYS have shit zoomed in.

20. The excuse for every POV movie… “I HAVE TO DOCUMENT.” Obnoxious.

21. There is such thing called a tripod. You don’t need to waste your powers.

22. Why is there a random leaf blower just sitting out in a school? Kids play with that shit. Janitors are smarter than that.

23. So stereotypical, having one token black kid.

24. He’s running for class president so he’s the most popular kid in school. No one is wondering why he suddenly stopped hanging out with his regular friends?

25. Why are they running away in the store?

26. Rain pouring perfectly but the camera is fine.

27. Why would it matter if he called the cops?

28. Cops don’t want to see the camera to see what happened?

29. They didn’t break their legs or anything when they landed like that?

30. Bro talk on top of the super tall building. No hardcore wind noise.

31. Her every two seconds, “How are they doing this?” Stfu.

32. How old is redhead? She looks like she’s in her mid 20’s.

33. Is that supposed to be jizz?

34. Dad & son are arguing & the camera is filming.

35. Asking Andrew what happened- waste of time.

36. Mound of dirt on Steve’s grave.

37. Getting all exciting in the junkyard.

38. Pretty sweet that he has no window pane.

39. Night time & that pharmacy is still open.

40. Firefighter outfit to rob people. Don’t stand out too much!

41. Can that happen? Was the shotgun loaded with EXPLOSIVES???

42. Who set up his camera in his hospital room & why? Did Andrew have a note in his pocket that said to do that?

43. Dude, nurses would have come in & told him to tone it down a bit.

44. Casey, for being a serious blogger- sucks at filming.

45. They wouldn’t tranquilize Andrew? Or shoot him?

46. This totally reminds me of ‘Akira’. Just the two of them, flying & fucking up buildings while Andrew looks like ass.

47. Somebody shoot this kid already.

48. I think you need more than just a beanie to be flying in this.

49. Yelling near some monks.

50. That’s nice, leaving the camera in Tibet. I’d just dump the tape.

FAIL.