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50 Reasons Why ‘I Know Who Killed Me’ Sucked
- Opened July 27, 2007 | Runtime:1 hr. 45 min.
- Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Not for kids 17 and under. Read More
- Aubrey Fleming (Lindsay Lohan), a talented pianist and aspiring writer, is abducted and tortured by a serial killer. After she’s rescued she claims she’s a different person, raising questions as to whether she is suffering from post-traumatic stress or if something more sinister is going on.
- Cast: Lindsay Lohan, Julia Ormond, Neil McDonough, Brian Geraghty
- Director: Chris Sivertson
- Genres: Psychological Thriller, Thriller
50 Reasons Why ‘I Know who Killed Me’ Sucked
1. Retarded foreshadowing. Why, when making that neon sign, would they even have those lights cut at those points?
2. Is the cameraman drunk?
3. After she moves her hand, a big drip goes down the pole.
4. This must have been when Disney said “no more” to her.
5. She has such a smoker’s voice. Lohan needs to at least be in college in this movie, not high school.
6. “Where’d you find a blue rose?” The store? Does it fucking matter? Be impressed.
7. What an idiot, not giving a girl a de-thorned rose. Us girls have a tendency to stab ourselves with that kind of shit.
8. “Ah, those would be the male reproductive organs.” AHAHAHAHA, let’s all laugh some more because it’s so funny that he got that wrong.
9. “Oh my God.” Horrible acting, teacher.
10. What’s up with the dead girl’s dad’s lower jaw?
11. This guy sure does a fuck ton of yard work here. Nice cow skin gloves & scorpion tattoo.
12. Because I’m sure Jennifer Toland really cared about high school football.
13. And now we over-emphasize some more about how Aubrey REALLY loves the color blue.
14. Random echoes & slo-mo as the girls walk & Aubrey talks. What, is Predator following them?
15. She’s hiding from her landscaper. It’s not like he’s going to stop in the middle of the busy road, get out of his truck, & harass her in front of everyone.
16. The alarm on her car (factory) is seriously, not THAT touchy.
17. Pretty sure he needs thicker gloves than that to handle the dry ice.
18. “Do you have kids?” Uh, that wasn’t the question. It’s not “ask the detective questions” game.
19. “I wish this cat had hair on it, because it would feel much more comforting.” –Mom
20. Just add some oil on that C-Clamp… It’s not that difficult.
21. There’s not a better way to cut someone’s hand off? You have to use the method of flint-napping?
22. “Hope this investigation doesn’t interfere with bingo night.” Hurr Durr. Another pointless comment in this movie.
23. Does that really look like a body to anyone else? Looks more like a game & fish pile…
24. Why are her parents in full gowns when the first nurse wasn’t? This isn’t a clean room. This isn’t fucking defcom 5.
25. Whoever did the soundtrack for this movie needs to be shot. It’s just awkward.
26. Sock cuff around her wrist. Not very flattering with the rest of her stripper outfit…
27. Her dance must’ve been after 1am. She never took her top off.
28. Don’t buses stop running this late at night?
29. Sitting in front of mirror- seems like she mystically grew some of her arm back.
30. Dude, that is fucking awesome, thank Snoop Dogg!
31. I didn’t think Aubrey would have any red clothes, where the hell did Dakota get this shit from?
32. Whatever you do, don’t give me a hand job with that arm.
33. I just saw a snippet of her bra that the camera was not supposed to see.
34. I honestly do not care to see her on a pole unless she is actually stripping. Move along.
35. She’s walking VERY well with that leg up to the dead girl’s house.
36. This “higher than your heart” guy is rather annoying, and very fucking retarded.
37. “You’re a kicker. You kick your way through this problem.” Well, after charging every once in a while. Then you can kick!
38. Why do everyone’s trophies have to be in such hard to reach places?
39. I would not have attempted to sew that shit back on if it looked that bad. Bring on the hair straightener & burn that shit!
40. “We should let someone know.” Yeah really. No one has a cell phone???
41. “I should have believed you from the start.” What do you mean? More like “I should have come out with the truth!”
42. Who are the little girls waving to? I thought one was in Hawaii & the other was in some shitty water with garbage?
43. So, lemme get this straight… This guy is a piano teacher, a blue rose grower, AND a glass maker? Oh, AND a precise mutilator & ruiner of dreams? Dude, he is so well rounded.
44. You saw at his hand? I would have stabbed a shit load of times in his general area.
45. AND this guy collects prosthetics… weird. Random. Pointless.
46. It is a village of smurfs! Piano teacher, Aubrey, Dead chick Jennifer, school colors. Everybody is obsessed with this fucking color.
47. Thanks for smashing my face along with this glass.
48. Interesting… No hobbling back home or to the hospital… or even to the nearest phone.
49. I’d go back to the cops & be like, suck it d-bags. I’d be so fucking excited that I wasn’t crazy. No resting in the dirt for me.
50. But wait a sec, back track a lot here and riddle me this- How did they even have Aubrey’s DNA? Wouldn’t they have known it didn’t match the parents in the beginning? It couldn’t be on record from a long time ago when the dead baby was trashed for the twin, because the hospital would have totally known about that shit.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Wrong Turn’ Sucked
27/Dec/2010
Current Thoughts: Eliza’s always the tough one.
Wrong Turn
- Opened May 30, 2003 | Runtime:1 hr. 25 min.
- Three inbred cannibals terrorize a medical student (Desmond Harrington) and five campers (Eliza Dushku, Emmanuelle Chriqui) in a remote area of West Virginia.
- Cast: Desmond Harrington, Eliza Dushku, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Jeremy Sisto, Kevin Zegers
- Director: Rob Schmidt
- Genres: Slasher FilmTeen MovieHorror
I still can’t get over how OLD this movie looks. Yes, I know it was 2003, but what they are all wearing makes me feel like I’m watching ‘Clueless’ all over again.
50 Reasons Why ‘Wrong Turn’ Sucked
1. Bitch bitch, she seems like a shitty rock climber. Maybe give her an easier hill to try? Has she even done this before?
2. Blood dripping noises and an itty bitty drop of blood falls on her…
3. Must’ve not been that high for her to fall like that and be ok.
4. We get it. Montage of cells changing and he’s a monster and there are a ton of people missing because they are idiots. MOVE ON.
5. Mark is from PA. He says that Mustang shouldn’t be rockin’ a front PA license plate because they only require rears.
6. “Fuck this, I’m just going to get out of my car and tell these trucks to move out of my way. And not take my keys with me.”
7. Who cuts into MINKS in medical school?
8. He has a sunflower as a necklace. No further comment on this stud.
9. “There must be people nearby.” Well, yeah. Unless the forest likes to spontaneously combust.
10. Close-up of the redhead’s neck multiple times. Cameraman and his sick neck fetish?
11. Two fingers and then fangs. Wtf was that.
12. Why wouldn’t Chris just put the backpack ON?
13. “This isn’t right.” Yeah, welcome to West Virginia. Must be your first time.
14. They have to touch everything in this house. Yes, again, we get it. Whomever likes to collect a lot of other people’s shit.
15. I think there’s enough evidence for me to leave this house.
16. Instead of hiding, why not this: Let’s just kill them when they walk in?
17. Redhead’s pool of blood making a trickling noise towards Chris. Hurry Chris! Make a little dam of dirt really quick so it doesn’t touch you!
18. How can the mutants totally NOT see them? Especially with his light blue, super clean shirt…
19. Eliza’s tag is sticking out of her pants and is really annoying the fuck out of me.
20. Lemme guess, these guys are going to kick a pot of some sort… BAM!
21. Mutants didn’t just stop and shoot them.
22. “We’re gonna get married!” Oh ok, that’ll push me forward- not the human instinct to live or anything.
23. Why are you just hanging out here? Quit gawking at the cars.
24. Everyone just throws a tourniquet on like it’s going out of style. You only do that if you’re planning on losing a limb.
25. So Scott stops- you see him fall. Why are you not automatically just driving away? He’s a goner. Just go.
26. Wow. Fake blood pump. Way to go Scott, you can’t be more realistic and actually bleed to death?
27. Eliza’s awesome fake driving.
28. Chris is using his shot leg as the primary foot.
29. That watch tower is so old school and seriously- one at a time on the ladder. It’s a wood ladder, yeah fucking right.
30. “OMG, It’s a radio!” Yeah, I thought that’s what those looked like. *facepalm*
31. I thought they said cover the light but the 3 of them have a ton of light on their faces.
32. Walking on tree branches but there’s no roaring fire in the background of the watchtower or smoke…
33. WTF she has Velcro shoes on! Who wears that shit!
34. Wow, these branches are huge and they’re perfectly going from one tree to another.
35. The lighting in the trees, when Chris hits the mutant off the branch, is so amazing. Amazingly fake.
36. Not calling radio- not grabbing gun. Ok, you really deserve to die now.
37. I thought the mutant dude only shot one arrow? That’s all I heard so why am I seeing two arrows in the seat?
38. Nice welded support beam that was there perfectly for him to grab onto.
39. Chris sure healed that leg quickly.
40. Not grabbing officer’s gun when you have yet ANOTHER opportunity.
41. Fire not getting bigger and no smoke.
42. WHY AREN’T YOU KILLING THEM?
43. Double barrel shotgun with a pump-action noise? I’m confused…
44. Was that a meth lab in there? Must’ve been with an explosion that big.
45. We shouldn’t have to acknowledge that we’re leaving.
46. Hey, at what point did the mutants take their sweet time to get their truck unstuck so these two could take off with it again?
47. Pretty sure you don’t need that map. The highway should be cleared by now…
48. They’d have to get married at this point because no one else is going to believe you when you tell them this story.
49. What I can’t stand is that this cop isn’t even calling this house in. It’s easy, “I’m at this burnt down house right now.” See?
50. Oddly weird way to end with Breaking Benjamin…
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street’ (2010) Sucked
- Opened April 30, 2010 | Runtime:1 hr. 35 min.
- A group of suburban teenagers share one common bond: they are all being stalked by Freddy Krueger, a horribly disfigured killer who hunts them in their dreams. As long as they stay awake, they can protect one another, but when they sleep, there is no escape.
- Cast: Jackie Earle Haley, Kyle Gallner, Rooney Mara, Katie Cassidy, Thomas Dekker
- Director: Samuel Bayer
- Genres: Slasher FilmHorror
Enough with the remakes. I can’t believe how people eat this shit up.
50 Reasons Why ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street’ Sucked
1. This is real service here, what do you expect in the middle of the night dude?
2. You couldn’t hear the gardening shears coming at you?
3. He’s good at pulling out exact change.
4. At the school? Are they supposed to be in High School? Maybe they were all held back a few years…
5. Blondie’s got such a nice room compared to the other girl’s.
6. The fuck does she sleep in? Just in case she wants to go jogging?
7. That fucking sleeve. Just take it all the way off.
8. The box said 1995, and she was 5 apparently back then, and it’s 2010, she’s supposedly still in high school. Yeah, I’m confused.
9. The girl with the crappy room is the only one with a job too, so stereotypical.
10. No one’s looking at her after she freaked out. That was the most short lived scream ever. And no one saw the hair either.
11. How is he saying it’s not possible when she just said the same thing?
12. Wtf back-lit woods is this shit? No one’s backyard looks like this.
13. “I was just petting him.” Wow.
14. I personally would have checked on the dog if I had a dream like that.
15. That’s an awesome wind tunnel to have in your room.
16. Yeah, put your hands all over her and now run. That’s not incriminating at all.
17. “I loved her”. Totally obsessive and killerish, dude.
18. They act like they’ve never seen little kids before. It’s just a little girl dude.
19. This guy looks a lot fatter since ‘A Haunting in Connecticut’. Well, maybe because he doesn’t have cancer anymore.
20. Wow. Electrifying, huh.
21. “Oh God.” “No, just me.” …. Rorschach.
22. His claws on his back sounded like metal against metal.
23. The kid who drew “the ring” in the movie ‘The Ring’ did a better job than this chick drawing Freddy.
24. “Mom, did we burn someone?”
25. I wouldn’t be taking a hot bath. That’ll probably make me fall asleep.
26. I’ve never had a hand come out of my vagina like that.
27. That little snow on the ground doesn’t make that much noise.
28. Tell us mom, tell us what happened. *Flashback*
29. Quentin is being a fuck.
30. She had to draw X’s over the faces, not a nice line through the name but an actual death X.
31. He fell asleep while swimming.
32. Of course it’s a woman that objects to killing someone.
33. WTF kind of gasoline is that?!
34. Live feed? How’d that stay posted?
35. Wtf, was that a hemi in that Jeep?
36. Another shot of Cherokee driving.
37. Seriously your heart would explode. They don’t even give you that much when you really need it.
38. He didn’t even try the reverse option? Just get out of the car and walk?
39. “He brought us here for a reason.” He didn’t bring you here at all.
40. Why do they look at everything so slowly. You’re on a mission, skim over everything quickly.
41. Why put that on her, she doesn’t even believe in whatever that is.
42. You think after all she’s been through, falling asleep would be so easy now.
43. Freddy looks like a salamander. Yeah sure, he’s more realistic on the burn victim look, but I like the older version more. He was more aesthetically pleasing in the scary department.
44. Pat on the door because that does shit.
45. Dude, Quentin wtf, you were supposed to be expecting him.
46. Woah, that adrenaline, that sure does get you going.
47. Slashed and stabbed in the chest.
48. Do people just soak rooms in gasoline nowadays?
49. I sooo would have brought that hand with me for proof.
50. That was horrible cgi btw. Poor mom.
More back story, but it just doesn’t cut it. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Trick ‘R Treat’ Sucked
- Opened October 5, 2007
- It is said that Halloween is the night when the dead rise to walk among us and other unspeakable things roam free. The rituals of All Hallows Eve were devised to protect us from their evil mischief, and one small town is about to be taught a terrifying lesson that some traditions are best not forgotten. Nothing is what it seems when a suburban couple learns the dangers of blowing out a Jack-o-Lantern before midnight; four women cross paths with a costumed stalker at a local festival; a group of pranksters goes too far and discovers the horrifying truth buried in a local legend; and a cantankerous old hermit is visited by a strange trick-or-treater with a few bones to pick. Costumes and candy, ghouls and goblins, monsters and mayhem…the tricks and treats of Halloween turn deadly as strange creatures of every variety—human and otherwise—try to survive the scariest night of the year.
- Cast: Brian Cox, Anna Paquin, Dylan Baker, Leslie Bibb, Tahmoh Penikett
- Director: Michael Dougherty
- Genres: Psychological ThrillerEnsemble FilmHorror
Someone on Fandango said this was ‘jizzed in my pants fantastic’. So fucking stupid.
I think Mr. Potatohead should be a killer. He’d be one sadistic mofo, carrying all of his weapons in his ass.
50 Reasons Why ‘Trick ‘R Treat’ Sucked
1. Never go to a stranger’s house? How many people really do that? I think I only knew like 3 people on my block but still went to every single house, plus other neighborhoods.
2. Aren’t they a little old to be dressed up?
3. Who takes Halloween decorations down the night of?
4. What is he supposed to be anyways?
5. Take the sheets off and it’s a jesus cross. Perfect for Easter.
6. Wait now I’m confused. She just told him to go masturbate.
7. Gross, wouldn’t want that candy bag.
8. “One night to be the scariest thing.” Or a whore.
9. Little late to be getting a costume…
10. “Was wondering what time you get off?” Must be the ears.
11. None of the other girls paid for their costumes.
12. Bad Santa kid! Is he gonna make me some sammiches?
13. I like the diversity in this group: white girl, Asian, and a black chick.
14. This guy sooooo has a big pit in his basement.
15. How did that make a knife noise when it came out of a soft pumpkin?
16. I’d so be throwing up on him.
17. Now it looks like this guy’s getting a blow job from the kid.
18. Wtf is in that little kid’s bag, a cat?
19. Dude, why did he kill this kid?
20. WHY would you give a finger to a dog?? Incrimintaing.
21. What the fuck is this guy’s deal?
22. Don’t mind the perfect 4×8 hole in the ground.
23. There’s another hole out back for you, you little fuck, for scaring me.
24. Why’d he have to hide the knife? The kid thinks he’s carving a pumpkin.
25. I don’t think he should be a principal.
26. I’ve never seen Halloween like this. Seems like the town to go to kill people and have crazy orgies.
27. Typical nerdy girl- nasty with glasses.
28. What kind of kids were these, wearing cuffs? Halfway house kids? Kids in Juvy don’t even wear handcuffs.
29. I wouldn’t make the girl be the ass.
30. Holy Jesus, that woman’s huge.
31. It’s just her braces picking up radio signals.
32. These masks are still floating there? And you can’t see down to the bottom during the day?
33. Hearing things? That hood would be down instantly if it were me. Fuck the costume.
34. So is this guy a real vampire or what.
35. OMG another twist.
36. I was wondering why there were only chicks at this party.
37. Are they all lesbos? No, another twist. Vampires.
38. Are they shedding, wait they’re also werewolves? They stripped their skin off which was weird and scandalous.
39. Killer in beginning that we didn’t see, principal, random woman, tard kids that are also cannibals, werewolves, and a mystery sock puppet. Man, he has some frequent flyer miles because he’s getting all over this town.
40. I’d hate to do a census here, nothing would ever be accurate.
41. Corey Taylor when he’s older, throwin’ pictures in the fire. “Dead Memories”.
42. Listen to that remote control. Now that’s old school.
43. Pump action noise when it’s a double barrel.
44. He’s wheezing, sounds like his internet trying to dial up? A fax, maybe, coming in…
45. On the ceiling, oh shit, drop him like a bad habit!
46. You can make pumpkin pie with that brain.
47. Where did this mythical being come from? He’s humpty dumpty puttin’ himself back together again.
48. Dude, he had an achilles tendon cut. How’s he walking out to give out candy?
49. First time a gun was decently deployed in a movie but still…
50. So confused at a couple parts in the story and there were a lot of wasted elements in that film as well.
Jesus fuck. I haven’t had to sit down and recap in a really long time. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘The Human Centipede’ Sucked
- The Human Centipede
- Opened April 30, 2010 | Runtime:1 hr. 30 min.
- During a stopover in Germany in the middle of a carefree road trip through Europe, two American girls find themselves alone at night when their car breaks down in the woods. Searching for help they find only an isolated villa, whose mysterious owner, Dr Heiter, takes them in for the night. The next day they awake to find themselves in the basement, trapped in a terrifying makeshift hospital with another one of the doctor’s abductees. Dr Heiter explains to the three of them that he is retired surgeon who had specialized in separating Siamese twins. However his three “patients” are not about to be separated, but joined together in a horrific operation. He plans to be the first to connect people, one to the next, via their gastric system, and in doing so bring to life his sick lifetime fantasy: ‘the human centipede’.
- Cast: Dieter Laser, Ashley C. Williams, Ashlynn Yennie, Akihiro Kitamura, Andreas Leupold
- Director: Tom Six
- Genres: Sex HorrorHorrorSadistic Horror
I don’t really know what Twitter’s deal is but everyone on there seemed to freak over this movie. A lot of people said it was a must see, it was intense, it was incredibly shocking, it was BLAH BLAH BLAH. Really guys? It was just another movie. Nothing new, nothing crazy. And seriously, the instant the first person decides they need to shit, the second person’s gag reflex’s would totally made them puke. Then they’d both combust. And this doctor has to be a complete tard to think the third person would live at all because there is probably no nutrients left after the first and second people digest. Just stupid.
The link below is to Tosh.0 & his awesomeness reguarding his thoughts on ‘The Human Centipede’.
http://media.mtvnservices.com/mgid:cms:item:comedycentral.com:343580
50 Reasons Why ‘The Human Centipede’ Sucked
1. When was this made? The 80’s? They must have not been able to afford new cameras or film.
2. What the? Looks like a damn air gun.
3. First sequence? How could there be another after an ending like this film?
4. Too bad they don’t have MapQuest in Germany… Or on their cell phones.
5. The fuck is their present? Big twinkies?
6. ‘What was that?’ That my dear, was BAD ACTING.
7. You can, in fact, drive on a flat tire.
8. Everything in these woods are so nicely lit.
9. Wtf did they go off the road for? Randomly tracing through the woods, dumb plot. Girls can be stupid, but not THIS stupid.
10. I like how they have to keep saying their names to each other.
11. ‘Have a seat.’ Really on this nice couch and we’re all wet…
12. Pills dissolve that quick.
13. Ugh, I forgot to put the gaggers on those two.
14. Wouldn’t you want him OUT of the plastic bag? So he can decompose better?
15. His projector drawing of the 3 people…. aliens?
16. She looks at the Jap like, ‘wtf I’m not doing this with HIM.’
17. NOW you try to get loose? With him right there?
18. She’s just chillin in that room, sucking on his bed sheets- not looking for the phone that was right next to the door.
19. Hey, there’s a pool there btw. Nice booby trap.
20. All of her grunting and moaning, not very tactical trying to escape.
21. Your friend is under anesthetics are you kidding me, just leave her, get a phone, and get help.
22. Trying to move her friend… This is painful to watch.
23. Dragging her through all the glass. Mark: ‘I’d have to say I’d even be tuckered out at this point.’
24. That’s a lot of surgery in one day.
25. OMG bloody footprints on carpet as guys replace window.
26. How’d he get them upstairs?
27. And I sooooo wouldn’t have chosen the loud mouthy Jap as the main person to this human centipede. I could see that getting really obnoxious.
28. Point & shooting the SLR, not even aiming.
29. Last girl reaching over 2nd girl’s back for her hand. A lot easier to yeah, there you go, go underneath her body.
30. How’d he get them outside?
31. Jap bit him but that sooo doesn’t look like a bite.
32. I’d be too tired to cry, there is way too much crying going on.
33. Is there lip balm on the end of his cane?
34. Is he beating all three at the same time? Sounds like it.
35. Did he just hang up, there’s no hold button.
There is a video game, are you fucking serious.
36. You offer me ‘something’ to drink, I say coffee, but all you have is water and bitch about it. Then just offer WATER.
37. Cops?! You drug cops?! This guy is a fucking idiot.
38. Obviously it doesn’t work dude, if you have to replace parts of the centipede.
39. I woulda pulled that knife outta him and killed him with it.
40. Wait, how do they get out of the basement any other time?
And of course, little emo kids would wear this trying to make it some shit cult film.
41. Sets candlestick down? Really, a shard of glass? HIT HIM WITH THE CANDLESTICK. /movie.
42. If that Jap guy would have just waited 5 more seconds.
43. Cop didn’t see all that blood on the way down the stairs? No calling for backup?
44. Cop with tunnel vision.
45. He wouldn’t die that quickly, yeah 2 in the kidney and he would have bled out, but he still could have gotten the call in at least.
A goddamned CAT TOY?!
46. Bitch is left by herself, she needs to grab that shard of glass and start cutting her way out of the situation.
47. That’s how it ends? Really?
48. I’m just still wondering about how the cops got that warrant so quickly.
49. How It Should Have Ended: “Let’s just drive on this one flat tire until we get to a safer place and figure out what to do from there.”
50. Or How It Should Have Ended: Girls get car manual out, shows how to change a tire, girls follow directions, girls leave creepy woods.
FAIL.
Now this is just sad:
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 