50 Reasons Why ‘Pacific Rim’ Sucked

50 Reasons Why ‘Pacific Rim’ Sucked

• Opened July 12, 2013 
• 2 hr 11 min
• PG-13 | sequences of intense sci-fi action and violence throughout, and brief language

• Parents: Common Sense Media says OK for kids 12+. More on child suitability

• When legions of monstrous creatures, known as Kaiju, started rising from the sea, a war began that would take millions of lives and consume humanity’s resources for years on end. To combat the giant Kaiju, a special type of weapon was devised: massive robots, called Jaegers, which are controlled simultaneously by two pilots whose minds are locked in a neural bridge. But even the Jaegers are proving nearly defenseless in the face of the relentless Kaiju. On the verge of defeat, the forces defending mankind have no choice but to turn to two unlikely heroes—a washed up former pilot (Charlie Hunnam) and an untested trainee (Rinko Kikuchi)—who are teamed to drive a legendary but seemingly obsolete Jaeger from the past. Together, they stand as mankind’s last hope against the mounting apocalypse. Full synopsis

• Cast: Charlie Hunnam, Diego Klattenhoff, Idris Elba, Rinko Kikuchi, Charlie Day
• Director: Guillermo del Toro
• Genres: Sci-Fi/Fantasy

1. Everybody knows what Jaeger means. That’s why they chose it.

2. Everybody acted like they popped up so suddenly- as if seismic radars didn’t notice them at all.

3. Jaeger program, because we’re so unoriginal.

4.‘Gipsy Danger’ G-Y-P-S-Y.

5. So pretty much Daft Punk runs these.

6. Fucking take forever to go into battle.

7. No one has ever tried to hack their programming?

8. Why can’t it just walk out of the building?

9. Yeah, don’t mind all the fish. The Jaegers aren’t so eco-friendly looking.

10. That boat would have totally toppled over being set down.

11. Jesus, cannon, c’mon now!

12. “Marshall, what do we do?” Not very good at commanding…

13. Oh, 17 minutes in. I’m watching ‘Pacific Rim’.

14. This little itty bitty wall? What idiot decided that was a good idea?

15. Wow, that chopper is landing really, really close to that building.

16. I just knew there had to be a woman in this. And of course, they’re going to get all squishy for each other.

17. 2nd floor buffer I’ve seen. That’s their priority in the Shatterdome.

18. How did he get into another movie? He’s not funny & his voice is obnoxious.

19. (She’s one of a kind) “she always was”- poor, poor acting.

20. Over dramatic music, sounds like a cheap B movie.

21. Candidate test- let’s waste more time.

22. I’m bored of knowing her problem & him not & making a big deal.

23. Not now! Researcher runs in, well, wobbles- you should probably listen! Why the fuck else do you have them there if you aren’t going to listen?

24. Colonist aliens???? HOW MANY OTHER MOVIES ARE OUT THERE WITH THIS IDEA?!Independence Day, Slither, etc.

25. You are out of the program & now have a desk job. Way to go.

26. RON PERLMAN? SERIOUSLY? God, I’m an idiot, why would it be anyone else?

27. Why’s he all Steampunk-like?

28. Ugh, the fight between Aussie & dude. Just do something, this is so boring.

29. Marshall’s office is odd & just a waste of space.

30. Marshall doesn’t age.

31. They’re pretty light for helicopters to be holding them.

32. Don’t stand there and smash your hands together, Russians! Just fight already!

33. I think these Jaegers are walking wayyy too fast for how much they weigh.

34. Same goes for the punches thrown and what not.

35. What was the point of the flare guns, dude?

36. “C’mon, let’s do it together” Well, you kind of have to do it together, right?

37. Shipping containers? You don’t have anymore elbow rockets? I bet the cost of cleaning up after Jaeger fights is more than the point of even having them.

38. That ship would shatter first hit. It’s a SHIP, not a goddamn sword!

39. Newton’s Balls, completely pointless. Quit with the visuals & finish the movie!

40. 2 flaps of the wings and we’re in outer space.

41. Why didn’t we deploy the sword, like, a long time ago?

42. “Mako, you ok?” What, you can’t read her mind or whatever right now?

43. “Everyone listen up!” You think it’d be really loud in there right now since they’re prepping massive machines. STOP ALL MACHINES to listen to the Marshall.

44. They sure do get their arms lobbed off easily.

45. Would the fish fall like that underwater? In the Ocean? Would they float to the top?

46. How is she going to get out of the portal? She doesn’t have a carcass to go back up?

47. Delivering the bomb to the mothership on Independence Day- ugh, HELLO?! Pacific Rim?

48. Why is nobody working in the Boiler Room thing?

49. This really POINTLESS dog!

50. That many choppers for 2 pods to pick up?

FAIL.

50 Reasons Why ‘GI Joe: Retaliation’ Sucked

50 Reasons Why ‘GI Joe: Retaliation’ Sucked

• Opened March 28, 2013 
• 1 hr 39 min
• PG-13 | Intense Seq of Combat Violence, Brief Sensuality, Language and Martial Arts Action

• Parents: Common Sense Media says OK for kids 13+. More on child suitability

• In the continuing adventures of the G.I. Joe team, Duke (Channing Tatum), second-in-command Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson), and the rest of the Joes (D.J. Cotrona, Byung-hun Lee) face a two-fold threat. Not only is their mortal enemy COBRA rearing its ugly head again, but there is also a threat from within the U.S. government: There might be an impostor in the White House. Meanwhile, Snake Eyes (Ray Park) is on a search for inner peace but learns that his nemesis, Storm Shadow, is still alive. Full synopsis

• Cast: D.J. Cotrona, Lee Byung-hun, Adrianne Palicki, Ray Park, Jonathan Pryce, RZA, Ray Stevenson, Channing Tatum, Elodie Yung, Bruce Willis, Dwayne Johnson
• Director: Jon M. Chu
• Genres: Action/Adventure

1. Why is that NOT night vision?

2. Who wouldn’t see someone melting through chain link?!

3. Of course, the bad guys are in Germany.

4. Why do they need, like, 17 planes to take out 10 people?

5. That was a lot of gratuitous fire fight.

6. So you take the nukes off of an armored vehicle to an unarmored vehicle?

7. Wow, they just killed him off real quick.

8. That’s what you get for hiding next to a Humvee.

9. Good thing the water is clear.

10. Why is everyone wearing different camo? The Rock has multicam, the girl is some sort of digital camo, & Flint has a different Random digital camo.

11. If they took his knife, wouldn’t they take the sheath? Or does it come with the suit?

12. Snake Eyes & Storm Shadow. Pretty confused on the outfits.

13. The warden could run through the electric current just fine.

14. Wow, you’re really hoping that when you shoot a bunch of machine guns at a fence, that it would work.

15. The real Daft Punk.

16. Why is there a guy working on the rocket & another welding? You think you’d want to separate that.

17. Jay is very orange.

18. Where did they get all that gear?

19. Every movie The Rock plays in, he has some dumb story as to why he is so big.

20. How often would you even use these programs? Like, never?

21. Every time they move their guns, they make noise.

22. Amazing back lighting.

23. Jogging with groceries.

24. Slightly oriental music for Snake Eyes. A little stereotypical.

25. Pretty unnecessary to go all the way up the mountain just to go back down to the building.

26. MP7s shoot throwing stars out of the sky, but can’t shoot a guy.

27. Not enough people use scythes. Thank God there’s some scythe action going on in here.

28. I wanna know how Snake Eyes keeps his suit so clean, no scratches or fingerprints.

29. And how Storm Shadow keeps his whites so white.

30. Convenient that they have a bunch of grappling guns with extra hooks.

31. You unclip him, it’s not that hard. Ugh, the difficulty unhooking Storm Shadow.

32. Why wear bright ass red?

33. Strand of hair from jacket? Really?

34. The suppressor isn’t already on? I get a quick check, but when you pull it out- continue to tighten it!

35. Why’d Flint continue to drive so far forward? You could have braked & then you’re able to run him over backwards.

36. Jaye needed to change AGAIN.

38. Well that cupboard in Bruce Willis’ kitchen was extremely obvious.

39. What camera is there to record the destruction of London?

40. Even if they shot all their nukes & destroyed the, the countries still have a ton in reserve. This wouldn’t do much.

41. The Rock’s “tank” seems like it’s not doing a whole lot of anything. Really, just flashy.

42. The SCARs stock would’ve broke when she smacked him in the face with it.

43. Well that was easy killing Zartan.

44. That hovercraft got going really fast!

45. The case landed on the beach oh so nicely. He rammed through the boat & both the case & Firefly are ok.

46. Everything about the fight between The Rock & Firefly.

47. Seems a little extreme, just a big ass STOP button. You think there would be a deactivation code.

48. Slow motion meetup at the end.

49. Would she be allowed to have her hair down for this ceremony?

50. This song for the ending credits. Much better in ‘Horrible Bosses’.

FAIL.