25 Reasons Why ‘Gravity’ Sucked

Really, I could do 50 but they would all be about how scientifically wrong this movie is. I won’t bother you with that because you can see those on many other sites. Not much actually happened in this movie either, making it pointless to 50. It’s like ‘Open Water’ in space.

Gravity (2013)

Rated PG-13 | For Intense perilous sequences, some disturbing images and brief strong language

Synopsis: The destruction of their shuttle leaves two astronauts stranded in space with no hope of rescue.

25 Reasons Why ‘Gravity’ Sucked

1. If there is no sound in space, then shouldn’t this be a silent film?

2. I didn’t think people were supposed to be off tether like George Clooney?

3. NASA paying millions of dollars for George Clooney to just be fucking around on his space jet pack.

4. Camera constantly bobbling around.

5. George Clooney’s stories that nobody cares about. The constant rambling.

6. Sandra yelling “Ah! Ah! Ah!”. Obnoxious.

7. Seems like maybe she had better odds staying attached…

8. What is so red & shining on her, that’s not the sun. I know the cameras are going for aesthetically pleasing, but seriously.

9.Would she stop spinning? I don’t think she would slow down.

10. This dude would not look like this. His head would have combusted.

11. A retainer & Marvin the Martian fly out the gaping hole in the shuttle, but not two bodies.

12. I think George & Sandra would know not to be talking so much since it wastes oxygen.

13. She knows she’s low on oxygen, and yet, freaks out. Even as a nurse (what she’s supposed to be on Earth), you know that freaking out only makes your breathing worse. She should know better.

14. Yeah, the shoots are loose & all, but not the last part of them. She could have pulled him in just fine.

15. Plus, I don’t understand what is making him pull so bad in the first place. In real life, if he let go of her, he would just continue to float right next to her- no flinging off into space.

16. She takes her first layer of suit off & all she has are booty shorts & a tank top? WHAT? What about the diaper & all the sweat?

17.   Going into that pod with all of that oxygen & her being so low on it- She would get so high breathing it all in.

18. For the record, I would have noticed the sparks and the mini fire.

19. It probably took her another 7 minutes to put another suit on!

20. That whole fire extinguisher thing- yeah, NO. She’d be all over the place with that thing. Nice try, though.

21. She’s not concerned this space craft is shaking like it’s got Parkinson’s.

22. It’s not likely that this space station would “die” this quickly.

23. Once again, movie writers blaming everything on the Russians.

24. Even I know to take off all my heavy clothes before leaving a pod that has landed in water.

25. Gravity sickness. Lay there. Enjoy it.

FAIL.

50 Reasons Why ‘Pacific Rim’ Sucked

50 Reasons Why ‘Pacific Rim’ Sucked

• Opened July 12, 2013 
• 2 hr 11 min
• PG-13 | sequences of intense sci-fi action and violence throughout, and brief language

• Parents: Common Sense Media says OK for kids 12+. More on child suitability

• When legions of monstrous creatures, known as Kaiju, started rising from the sea, a war began that would take millions of lives and consume humanity’s resources for years on end. To combat the giant Kaiju, a special type of weapon was devised: massive robots, called Jaegers, which are controlled simultaneously by two pilots whose minds are locked in a neural bridge. But even the Jaegers are proving nearly defenseless in the face of the relentless Kaiju. On the verge of defeat, the forces defending mankind have no choice but to turn to two unlikely heroes—a washed up former pilot (Charlie Hunnam) and an untested trainee (Rinko Kikuchi)—who are teamed to drive a legendary but seemingly obsolete Jaeger from the past. Together, they stand as mankind’s last hope against the mounting apocalypse. Full synopsis

• Cast: Charlie Hunnam, Diego Klattenhoff, Idris Elba, Rinko Kikuchi, Charlie Day
• Director: Guillermo del Toro
• Genres: Sci-Fi/Fantasy

1. Everybody knows what Jaeger means. That’s why they chose it.

2. Everybody acted like they popped up so suddenly- as if seismic radars didn’t notice them at all.

3. Jaeger program, because we’re so unoriginal.

4.‘Gipsy Danger’ G-Y-P-S-Y.

5. So pretty much Daft Punk runs these.

6. Fucking take forever to go into battle.

7. No one has ever tried to hack their programming?

8. Why can’t it just walk out of the building?

9. Yeah, don’t mind all the fish. The Jaegers aren’t so eco-friendly looking.

10. That boat would have totally toppled over being set down.

11. Jesus, cannon, c’mon now!

12. “Marshall, what do we do?” Not very good at commanding…

13. Oh, 17 minutes in. I’m watching ‘Pacific Rim’.

14. This little itty bitty wall? What idiot decided that was a good idea?

15. Wow, that chopper is landing really, really close to that building.

16. I just knew there had to be a woman in this. And of course, they’re going to get all squishy for each other.

17. 2nd floor buffer I’ve seen. That’s their priority in the Shatterdome.

18. How did he get into another movie? He’s not funny & his voice is obnoxious.

19. (She’s one of a kind) “she always was”- poor, poor acting.

20. Over dramatic music, sounds like a cheap B movie.

21. Candidate test- let’s waste more time.

22. I’m bored of knowing her problem & him not & making a big deal.

23. Not now! Researcher runs in, well, wobbles- you should probably listen! Why the fuck else do you have them there if you aren’t going to listen?

24. Colonist aliens???? HOW MANY OTHER MOVIES ARE OUT THERE WITH THIS IDEA?!Independence Day, Slither, etc.

25. You are out of the program & now have a desk job. Way to go.

26. RON PERLMAN? SERIOUSLY? God, I’m an idiot, why would it be anyone else?

27. Why’s he all Steampunk-like?

28. Ugh, the fight between Aussie & dude. Just do something, this is so boring.

29. Marshall’s office is odd & just a waste of space.

30. Marshall doesn’t age.

31. They’re pretty light for helicopters to be holding them.

32. Don’t stand there and smash your hands together, Russians! Just fight already!

33. I think these Jaegers are walking wayyy too fast for how much they weigh.

34. Same goes for the punches thrown and what not.

35. What was the point of the flare guns, dude?

36. “C’mon, let’s do it together” Well, you kind of have to do it together, right?

37. Shipping containers? You don’t have anymore elbow rockets? I bet the cost of cleaning up after Jaeger fights is more than the point of even having them.

38. That ship would shatter first hit. It’s a SHIP, not a goddamn sword!

39. Newton’s Balls, completely pointless. Quit with the visuals & finish the movie!

40. 2 flaps of the wings and we’re in outer space.

41. Why didn’t we deploy the sword, like, a long time ago?

42. “Mako, you ok?” What, you can’t read her mind or whatever right now?

43. “Everyone listen up!” You think it’d be really loud in there right now since they’re prepping massive machines. STOP ALL MACHINES to listen to the Marshall.

44. They sure do get their arms lobbed off easily.

45. Would the fish fall like that underwater? In the Ocean? Would they float to the top?

46. How is she going to get out of the portal? She doesn’t have a carcass to go back up?

47. Delivering the bomb to the mothership on Independence Day- ugh, HELLO?! Pacific Rim?

48. Why is nobody working in the Boiler Room thing?

49. This really POINTLESS dog!

50. That many choppers for 2 pods to pick up?

FAIL.

50 Reasons Why ‘GI Joe: Retaliation’ Sucked

50 Reasons Why ‘GI Joe: Retaliation’ Sucked

• Opened March 28, 2013 
• 1 hr 39 min
• PG-13 | Intense Seq of Combat Violence, Brief Sensuality, Language and Martial Arts Action

• Parents: Common Sense Media says OK for kids 13+. More on child suitability

• In the continuing adventures of the G.I. Joe team, Duke (Channing Tatum), second-in-command Roadblock (Dwayne Johnson), and the rest of the Joes (D.J. Cotrona, Byung-hun Lee) face a two-fold threat. Not only is their mortal enemy COBRA rearing its ugly head again, but there is also a threat from within the U.S. government: There might be an impostor in the White House. Meanwhile, Snake Eyes (Ray Park) is on a search for inner peace but learns that his nemesis, Storm Shadow, is still alive. Full synopsis

• Cast: D.J. Cotrona, Lee Byung-hun, Adrianne Palicki, Ray Park, Jonathan Pryce, RZA, Ray Stevenson, Channing Tatum, Elodie Yung, Bruce Willis, Dwayne Johnson
• Director: Jon M. Chu
• Genres: Action/Adventure

1. Why is that NOT night vision?

2. Who wouldn’t see someone melting through chain link?!

3. Of course, the bad guys are in Germany.

4. Why do they need, like, 17 planes to take out 10 people?

5. That was a lot of gratuitous fire fight.

6. So you take the nukes off of an armored vehicle to an unarmored vehicle?

7. Wow, they just killed him off real quick.

8. That’s what you get for hiding next to a Humvee.

9. Good thing the water is clear.

10. Why is everyone wearing different camo? The Rock has multicam, the girl is some sort of digital camo, & Flint has a different Random digital camo.

11. If they took his knife, wouldn’t they take the sheath? Or does it come with the suit?

12. Snake Eyes & Storm Shadow. Pretty confused on the outfits.

13. The warden could run through the electric current just fine.

14. Wow, you’re really hoping that when you shoot a bunch of machine guns at a fence, that it would work.

15. The real Daft Punk.

16. Why is there a guy working on the rocket & another welding? You think you’d want to separate that.

17. Jay is very orange.

18. Where did they get all that gear?

19. Every movie The Rock plays in, he has some dumb story as to why he is so big.

20. How often would you even use these programs? Like, never?

21. Every time they move their guns, they make noise.

22. Amazing back lighting.

23. Jogging with groceries.

24. Slightly oriental music for Snake Eyes. A little stereotypical.

25. Pretty unnecessary to go all the way up the mountain just to go back down to the building.

26. MP7s shoot throwing stars out of the sky, but can’t shoot a guy.

27. Not enough people use scythes. Thank God there’s some scythe action going on in here.

28. I wanna know how Snake Eyes keeps his suit so clean, no scratches or fingerprints.

29. And how Storm Shadow keeps his whites so white.

30. Convenient that they have a bunch of grappling guns with extra hooks.

31. You unclip him, it’s not that hard. Ugh, the difficulty unhooking Storm Shadow.

32. Why wear bright ass red?

33. Strand of hair from jacket? Really?

34. The suppressor isn’t already on? I get a quick check, but when you pull it out- continue to tighten it!

35. Why’d Flint continue to drive so far forward? You could have braked & then you’re able to run him over backwards.

36. Jaye needed to change AGAIN.

38. Well that cupboard in Bruce Willis’ kitchen was extremely obvious.

39. What camera is there to record the destruction of London?

40. Even if they shot all their nukes & destroyed the, the countries still have a ton in reserve. This wouldn’t do much.

41. The Rock’s “tank” seems like it’s not doing a whole lot of anything. Really, just flashy.

42. The SCARs stock would’ve broke when she smacked him in the face with it.

43. Well that was easy killing Zartan.

44. That hovercraft got going really fast!

45. The case landed on the beach oh so nicely. He rammed through the boat & both the case & Firefly are ok.

46. Everything about the fight between The Rock & Firefly.

47. Seems a little extreme, just a big ass STOP button. You think there would be a deactivation code.

48. Slow motion meetup at the end.

49. Would she be allowed to have her hair down for this ceremony?

50. This song for the ending credits. Much better in ‘Horrible Bosses’.

FAIL.

50 Reasons Why ‘Hansel & Gretel’ Sucked

12/Aug/2013

Current Thoughts: The previews on the disc made me definitely believe this was a 50. Can’t wait to do GI Joe 2 & Star Trek 2!

• Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
• Opened January 25, 2013 
• 1 hr 28 min
• R | Fantasy Horror Violence/Gore, Brief Sexuality/Nudity and Language

• Parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 16+. More on child suitability

• Fifteen years after Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) defeated the wicked witch who planned to have them for her dinner, the siblings have come of age as skilled bounty hunters. Hell-bent on retribution, they have dedicated their lives to hunting down and destroying every witch still lurking in the dark forests of their homeland. As the notorious blood moon approaches, the siblings face a great evil — one that could hold the secret to their terrifying past. Full synopsis

• Cast: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Famke Janssen, Peter Stormare, Ingrid Bolsø Berdal
• Director: Tommy Wirkola
• Genres: Sci-Fi/Fantasy

50 Reasons Why ‘Hansel & Gretel’ Sucked

1. Overhead lighting on dad in the woods.

2. Forest views from above. I thought I put in the right movie, is this ‘Twilight’?

3. Why are the kids dirty & bruised already?

4. “EAT!” But witch, these are just empty calories!

5. Kid’s scratch marks change or disappear entirely.

6. WILL FERRELL??? Well there’s your 50 reasons right there.

7. “My name’s Gretel, this is my brother Hansel.” They were muzzling EVERYONE!

8. Jeremy Renner must be broke already.

9. Jesus, Hansel’s finger on the trigger.

10. I knock her off her broom but can’t hit her while she’s pathetically running away.

11. Dog chews on shoes. Well that’s not good. I have your child but it’s been mauled to death.

12. Not too bad on the witch makeup but her eyes are obnoxious.

13. That was dumb. Eating bugs, what? Why. Stupid.

14. The witches’ voices are all annoying.

15. And I take it back. The main witch’s face looks like a horrible photoshop filter.

16. Maybe he should make his diabetes timer a little earlier before he gets sick.

17. WTF forest are they in with poison dart frogs & American accents.

18. God, 2^nd witch fight & again, all the problems.

19. What the hell, Hansel got in front of the witch so freakin’ fast.

20. He manages to hit her broom with an itty bitty noose thing but couldn’t shoot her.

21. “Go!” “YES!” in the dumbest voice & head bobbling.

22. Ok, you see the witch, just shoot her, no “stop right there”.

23. These two are just tards. Hansel & Gretel, with the amount of lag. With so many kills under their belts, you would think they’d be pros at this.

24. Lots of continuity issues here.

25. Very touchy feely for being siblings.

26. Of course this is your house. It’s not like you guys were 2 & too young to remember.

27. And of course it’s the Great “WHITE” Witch.

28. See how old those kids were!! You think they’d walk right up to the house & already know.

29. A good book. Like anti Necronomicon. What is it, all in Braille?

30. Great rock music to get you all pumped when they show guns.

31. Horses randomly neighing.

32. “I want your brains.” Zombies now? With afros?

33. What’s up with the mummy one?

34. If the moon is blood red then what is the white/blue backlighting?

35. That minigun- wouldn’t it go through BOTH witches?

36. The crazy amount of really fake looking rocks/ props.

37. Quickly edited violence.

38. That double crossbow action would only work one in a million times like that.

39. I get swearing in most movies, but this whole script full of cussing is just dumb.

40. “The end is near witch hunter.” Truly, there’s only 15 minutes left, thank God.

41. Pretty stupid of him to just tumble into the house like that.

42. I knew this dumb diabetes thing would be an issue.

43. I can’t believe they are making a sequel to this.

44. Wow, that injection works really damn fast.

45. Just set the whole house on fire.

46. Title at the end of the movie.

47. Matrix shit.

48. Cheesy rock music.

49. That folding long gun just doesn’t seem like it’d be very accurate.

50. Or work at all for that matter. I mean, the bullet would get to the first part & blow up in the barrel. Hello, “path of least resistance”.

FAIL.

50 Reasons Why ‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2’ Sucked

2/Mar/2013

Current Thoughts: I hate spelling the blonde vampire guy’s name.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2

• Opened November 16, 2012
• 1 hr 56 min
• PG-13 | Sequences of violence including disturbing images, some sensuality and partial nudity
• Parents: Common Sense Media says OK for kids 14+. More on child suitability
• Bella (Kristen Stewart) awakes — as a vampire — from her life-threatening labor, and her newborn daughter, Renesmee, proves to be very special indeed. While Bella adjusts to her new state of being, Renesmee experiences accelerated growth. When the Volturi learn of the baby’s existence, they declare her to be an abomination and sentence the Cullens to death. Bella, Edward (Robert Pattinson) and the rest of the clan seek help from allies around the world to protect their family. Full synopsis
• Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser,Ashley Greene, Jackson Rathbone, Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed, Billy Burke, Chaske Spencer,Mackenzie Foy, Maggie Grace
• Director: Bill Condon
• Genres: Romance, Sci-Fi/Fantasy

50 Reasons Why ‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2’ Sucked

1. Longest intro ever.

2. Makeup is perfect after having a kid.

3. Worst CGI ever of her running through the woods.

4. Deer don’t just stand around grunting.

5. Cat scream.

6. I wonder if Renesmee is going to be a popular kids’ name this year.

7. What’s with all the blue clothing.

8. Computer generated freaky huge baby.

9. Bella sounds like a tranny yelling at Jacob.

10. Nessie? Hell yes I’d rather call her that. Her actual name is retarded.

11. Again, like usual, she has no emotion after getting this getaway home.

12. Renesmee’s room obviously, I’m not going to sleep in a crib. Again with the closet. She has the worst, boring personality.

13. That’s really fucking far to go chopping wood.

14. Oh dammit. I was hoping to go through this last movie without teenage boys ripping their clothes off.

15. Why’s Carlisle’s face so white all the damn time? I mean, it’s obvious makeup.

16. WTF, I can’t take this CGI baby. It’s like I’m watching the SyFy channel, the graphics are so bad.

17. Why couldn’t they fins a little girl that looked like them?

18. Benjamin’s stupid power.

19. My kid would have so much hand sanitizer since all she does is touch people.

20. Irish stereotype.

21. This ‘pup’ needs to go home.

22. Of course, the Russians are rebels.

23. There are wayyyy too many characters introduced at this point.

24. Sucks that it takes so long for this guy to retrack all his black smoke.

25. Bella practicing with a very constipated look.

26. Third times a charm, she’s a quick learner.

27. Why do all the vampire’s even bother with contacts still. They don’t have any human interaction anymore.

28. Black guy looking around. Don’t be too suspicious looking.

29. Non CGI Renesmee is even uglier than the CGI Renesme at Christmas.

30. Oh God, Edward & Carlisle’s intimate talk. I should have known Eddy would have a little bitch moment.

31. You don’t have to yell Car, we can hear you from a mile away just fine.

32. What’d they expect, the girl from Taken was going to pay the consequences.

33. WHAT. Modern technology. This is a pathetic excuse for a fight.

34. This Valtori guy, Aro, & his eccentric gasps.

35. Why run toward them, let them come to you. Waste all that energy. Pfft.

36. Jacob seems like he’s taking his sweet as time running away.

37. There’s a lot of excessive head lobbing going on right now.

38. Thanks hun, for using me as a battering ram.

39. What a cop out, Alice Vision. Ugh.

40. Another pathetic spot in the movie, the Indian Vampire Child.

41. I got my good suit on for this & shit doesn’t even go down.

42. Everybody kiss & make up. Watch everyone.

43. Why’d Jacob leave? He’s supposed to be babysitting all the time, cuz, bro, it’s a wolf thing.

44. ‘Should I call you Dad?’ Dude, gross.

45. I don’t need a recap, I’ve already seen all the other movies.

46. How real are the flowers? I didn’t see any crazy bugs. Everything else in this movie was fake.

47. That was it? What a crappy ending for being so damn hyped up. This shouldn’t be the movie to end a trilogy.

48. Recapping the cast of EVERYONE. Even people that weren’t in this movie.

49. Because I forgot what I was watching, we have the title at the end.

50. Oh my bad. I didn’t talk to anyone you already talked to.

FAIL.