Monthly Archives: May 2010
50 Reasons Why ‘The Vampire’s Assistant’ Sucked
11/May/2010
Current Mood: Bloodless.
Cirque du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant
- Opened October 23, 2009 | Runtime:1 hr. 48 min.
- 16-year-old Darren (Chris Massoglia) was like most kids in his suburban neighborhood. He hung out with his best friend Steve (Josh Hutcherson), got decent grades and usually stayed out of trouble. But when he and his buddy stumble upon a traveling freak show, things begin to change inside Darren. That’s the exact moment when a vampire named Larten Crepsley (John C. Reilly) turns him into something, well, bloodthirsty. Newly undead, he joins the Cirque Du Freak, a touring sideshow filled with monstrous creatures from a snakeboy and a wolfman to a bearded lady (Salma Hayek) and a gigantic barker (Ken Watanabe). As Darren flexes his newfound powers in this dark world, he becomes a treasured pawn between the vampires and their deadlier counterparts. And while trying to survive, one boy will struggle to keep their brewing war from devouring what’s left of his humanity.
- Cast: John C. Reilly, Josh Hutcherson, Chris Massoglia, Jessica Carlson, Michael Cerveris, Ray Stevenson
- Director: Paul Weitz
- Genres: Children’s Fantasy, Creature Film, Fantasy
Mmmk, if you’re going to make a movie based from a book like this- STICK TO THE BOOK. It’s as if, fucking, the director didn’t even read the damn thing! The main thing that pisses me off about this ridiculous stupid fucking bullshit waste of a time poser film was Mr. Tiny’s character. You’re supposed to be damn afraid of him in the books. He’s scary as shit, but in this he’s laughable. You know, in the book he’s dead straight on opposing books but in the film he talks about books and in the beginning you see him looking at one. WTF.
And I thought ‘A Series of Unfortunate Events’ was off from the books, christ, this shouldn’t even remotely have the same name as Cirque Du Freak!
Here’s another tiff of mine that someone said on imdb.com:
| Narlie (Sat Mar 13 2010 04:31:22) |
Am I the only one think they shouldn’t have cut Sam out? Darren and Sam’s bond was so strong and the whole reason why Darren started to drink blood. Darren only accepted to drink blood to keep Sams “memories” alive, and not because he still was a “human inside”. To be hounest, i didn’t like this Rebecca girl at all – It’s Sam and Debbie. No monkey girl 😦
Anyone agree?
Yes Narlie, yes I definitely agree.
50 Reasons Why ‘The Vampire’s Assistant’ Sucked
1. Playing video games in the coffin…
2. Cool intro with credits but damn that shit takes FOREVER.
3. Breaking glass on roof.
4. That is so NOT how they get the flyer to the Cirque.
5. Corma Limbs wasn’t attacked in the book; a random audience member was.
6. Evra’s music issues are killing me. Nobody gives a shit.
7. Madame Truska is Selma?? Truska’s supposed to be blonde…
8. Crepsley pausing in the middle of the show to talk to the boys. Ummm, no.
9. Vampire’s didn’t hear the flute noise?
10. Gavner Purl is supposed to be big and burly and badass. Dafoe plays him as a gay wimpy looking guy. Wrong actor.
11. So much convo between Gavner & Crepsley.
12. Murlough looks nothing like a Vampaneze. Not purple/albino looking in any way.
13. Murlough in car with Mr. Tiny, and why are we learning about Mr. Tiny so much? He’s supposed to be super mysterious.
14. Bringing Octa to school.
15. Octa escaping in school.
16. Octa biting Steve in sch- what the hell happened to this plot??
17. “Wanna become a vampire?” Wow, that was so gay and so not dramatic and so NOT the feel of what it’s supposed to be. Even as a film alone, pretending there were no books… that was just fucking lame.
18. Test blood after explaining vamp shit to Darren?
19. What is a Code Blue?!
20. Murlough in the graveyard??? Steve isn’t in the graveyard? God, I hope they don’t make sequel. I can’t even imagine how they’d fuck that up.
21. Kinda just dawned on me how old Darren is. 16/17?? Should be 14ish…..
22. WHO THE FUCK IS THIS MONKEY GIRL???????
23. Harkat wasn’t that well known in the Cirque so how is it that everyone talks to him and knows him so well?
24. Evra’s eyebrow ring and recording studio… *facepalm*
25. Steve wsn’t ever planning on jumping off the school.
26. Harkat has no mask in this. He looks like a miniature Gollem… Or whatever that retarded thing in Lord of the Rings was called. I don’t know because I’m a Star Wars fan, no precious for me.
27. He’s CALLING Steve. Are you fucking serious.
28. Costume designer isn’t Rebecca.
29. Wow, he changed pants damn quick.
30. It’s 3am so wtf are you doing up?
31. Vampaneze in the Cirque attacking? I’m so confused….
32. Letting Wolfman out. No, he doesn’t get let out because of that.
33. Darren’s outfit is drivig me crazy. He’s not hip with that stupid jacket on. In fact, really, he wears shit that resembles pirate in the book.
34. Darren’s family and monkey girl are tied up and see Darren. A) That’s a no & B) Why couldn’t they just stick with the book where Evra gets kidnapped? Not this made up dumbass monkey chick Rebecca who’s really supposed to be Debbie, who by the way is a black girl in the book. I’m guessing the director is not into interracial relationships?
35. Steve overreacting. Over ACTING.
36. What?! A fight in the theater?
37. Tooth in forehead.
38. Is that your tail?
39. Never pause or do anything in slo-mo with a knife…
40. Avenge you? You’re not even dead, stupid monkey.
41. Slow-mo about to dagger him with nails. Wow.
42. Emo Steve.
43. What you are, who you are, zoom in, zoom out.
44. Murlough is all over the place in this.
45. Underbody lights. Really?
46. Saying goodbye and hypnotizing family. This movie is too sentimental.
47. Tail raises with kiss.
48. He can flit now??? I thought only full vampires could do that…
49. Coffin at end of movie with speakers and cup holder. So hip.
50. Supposed to leave with Gavner in the end, but of course, they don’t.
Fuck me, right. Guess I should stop reading books, so the future movie adaptations won’t be so disappointing. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 