Monthly Archives: June 2010
50 Reasons Why ‘Dear John’ Sucked
- Opened February 5, 2010 | Runtime:1 hr. 48 min.
- When a soldier named John Tyree (Channing Tatum) meets an idealistic college student named Savannah Curtis (Amanda Seyfried), it’s the beginning of a true romance. Over the next seven tumultuous years, the lovers, separated by John’s increasingly dangerous deployment, stay in touch through their letters, meeting in person only rarely. However, their correspondence triggers fateful consequences that neither could foresee.
- Cast: Channing Tatum, Amanda Seyfried, Richard Jenkins, Henry Thomas, D.J. Cotrona
- Director: Lasse Hallström
- Genres: Romantic Drama, War Drama, Drama
I don’t have anything to say for this movie, really. I guess the whole film is supposed to span over 10 years or so but the chick in it looks the same throughout. And then Channing gets a weird French mustache at the end for some reason. How anyone thinks either of them are hot is beyond me. He’s got that annoying twang accent and she’s got bug eyes.
50 Reasons Why ‘Dear John’ Sucked
1. Pretty interesting how the brass is flying at them…
2. Is he surfing in Lake Eerie? That is some nasty ocean water…
3. Why would he leave his board and bag on the beach but be way up on the pier?
4. What girl in their right mind would leave their purse on the ledge like that?
5. The water is only like 2ft deep right there and she’s goddamned lucky everything stayed perfectly intact because we all know in real life everything would have fallen out of the purse.
6. “Y’all have a good night.” It’s like, middle of the day.
7. Gonk, its board. There’s a pier there buddy, they must have just put it up.
8. Poke poke pile of brush.
9. “Kill you with his bare hands,” … well, that’s mostly anyone. That guy looks pretty wimpy.
10. Special Forces- wow, word travels fast around that party.
11. “Hope you’re enjoying yourself,” “I think I am.” I like blonde cow eyes over here.
12. Hello Allen, even though you are leaving…
13. Stupid shit about the moon not being bigger than your thumb. That was the most retarded thing ever. I want to know how many people stuck their thumbs up to the sky after seeing this.
14. Fuck matches, you just made your own fire. God, this girl is so easy; I’m shocked they haven’t had sex 8 times already.
15. His hot dog was so black.
16. I’d hate to see him in combat; he has no situational awareness [i.e. fire]
17. Dude, I’m getting my board out, you don’t have to honk, christ.
18. Does he not look like he’s about 28? He’s supposed to be only what, 21?
19. No story, I’m completely lying to you and it’s only our 2nd date.
20. Fuck, I would have put on a better plaid shirt if I knew your girlfriend was coming over.
21. Dear wave, John’s gonna carve you.
22. He’s like, caressing this 2×4…
23. Making out in the rain like every other N. Sparks novel.
24. I’m glad they’re surfing next to this pier so she can get wrapped around a pole. Safety first Dear john.
25. Of course I sing you a song
26. Amber waves of grain DEAR JOHN.
27. God she’s deaf for not noticing him come up to her.
28. Did you sew those pockets yourself onto those shorts? Tard.
29. “I’ve been spending so much time with your dad that I want to teach special ed” LOL
30. “What’s one year apart after two weeks like that together?” A lot of masturbation.
31. It’s really taking him that long to read a two paged letter?
32. Montage of mail sending.
33. He’s training everyone on AKs but he had an AR slung…
34. Blares music… I’m surprised it’s not 3 Doors Down.
35. Make the Autism kid look even more retarded with a red bow tie.
36. Wtf is she getting upset for, she should have expected it. I was gonna try and woo you with my comb-over.
37. Bad acting to the Lady in Red. Get that stuck in your head now.
38. So they finally did it after a year and fourteen days… Well, taking forever getting to the point.
39. K, so what. Her voice trailed off, she cheat or what?
40. I like how links came out of his M4.
41. You’re touching his special coin WITHOUT GLOVES.
42. About fucking time he spent time with his father. Especially reading that letter to him.
43. *facepalm* Explaining geting shot and coins again.
44. “I’m not rushing you.” You’re goddamned wrong you’re rushing me, do you see my fucking shoulder, how decorated I am? I would have slapped him.
45. “Oh, I’m sorry, exclamation point” Bad acting by moomoo the blonde.
46. “Are you dating?” Yeah I have a date with my rifle kicking in someone’s door.
47. You could have just godmothered him to her, you radioactive penis man.
48. I got double tapped to the chest.
49. OHOHOHO I DIDN’T SAVE YOURS BITCH THAT SHIT WENT UP IN FLAMES.
50. Who is that? Is that Channing? That’s a bad French-like moustache. I’m just weirded out.
I don’t understand how anyone cried and thought this was a cute movie. Now, ‘The Notebook’ on the other hand. I’m a big ball of tears, such a sap. But ‘Dear John’? Nope, it was just FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Book of Eli’ Sucked
- Opened January 15, 2010 | Runtime:1 hr. 58 min.
- In the not-too-distant future, across the wasteland of what once was America, a lone warrior (Washington) must fight to bring civilization the knowledge that could be the key to its redemption and save the future of humanity.
- Cast: Denzel Washington, Gary Oldman, Mila Kunis, Ray Stevenson, Jennifer Beals
- Director: Albert Hughes
- Genres: Sci-Fi Action, Action
Everyone’s talking about how amazing the cinematography was. Visually stunning? What point in the movie was that supposed to happen? Looks to me like they just threw on some washed out filter and called it a day. And the objective to having Mila in the film? Umm, none. I’ve seen this once before and now knowing the ‘twist’ I thought it’d be quicker to 50.
50 Reasons Why ‘Book of Eli’ Sucked
1. That cat sure is a talkative one.
2. If you’re in a full suit, you’d probably want to eat something that’s in the same position as you. Just don’t know why you would eat that radiation meat…
3. Denzel always has some sort of epic music accompanying him in every movie.
4. He just walked right over to that vehicle but he still had to feel for the shoes. What is he half blind? Blind when he wants to be? Blind as a fashion statement?
5. Don’t you just love the knife noises as he cuts a piece of kitty?
6. 30 years of the same music… I’d be hitting next a lot.
7. You think he wouldn’t listen to an ipod when his only defense is sound.
8. I’ve never really seen a chainsaw work well for anyone. It’s badass and all, but when has it ever worked to someone’s advantage? BESIDES ‘Army of Darkness’.
9. I like how you have to take away someone’s gun to get business.
10. As soon as the world goes to shit, you have to put weird shit on your vehicles: heads, road signs, and shit. As with any apocalyptic movie.
11. Fucking DaVinci Code is still around. Even at Goodwill, that’s the book you see a shit ton of. Nobody wants it but it’s everywhere.
12. “You’re sending guys out that can’t even read to find one book?” I bet they’ve had this conversation before.
13. Denzel only walks in SloMo.
14. What did he expect going into that bar? He’s supposed to be all Christian but he knew going in there would start shit.
15. I like to say bible verses before I start kicking ass because that will somehow absolve my sins.
16. He knew she was blind by giggling his chains?
17. Mila loudly proclaiming about a book. Like omg totally horrible acting. I get it, this town is obsessed. We don’t need to rub it in anymore.
18. She’s skeptical about holding hands to pray but she was sent in there originally so he could do her.
19. Why would she hesitate to say anything about Denzel when her mother is about to get beaten? She barely knew him.
20. Everyone has normal sunglasses, but of course, Mila has Aviators because she can’t get away from anything that reminds her of ‘That 70’s Show’.
21. It’s a bunch of fantasy stories, Gary Oldman can’t just make up some of his own random stories? He could base shit off of what he remembers from the Bible and no one would know the difference. Then he could still ‘rule all’ like his original plan.
22. That’s only a 10 round gun. He should have been out a long time before the director decided.
23. Didn’t shoot Denzel? Why? Because the body of Christ compelled him?
24. Denzel has an Oakley backpack…. That must mean everyone on set is probably wearing sunglasses by Oakley as well.
25. Why does everyone want to go with Denzel?
26. Oldman called the people ‘weak and desperate’ meaning every Christian out there is weak and desperate. Nice.
27. Bank trucks… not the best for apocalyptic situations… like on gas.
28. Good thing she’s wearing like, 9 layers of clothing. Take ’em a bit longer to rape her.
29. I understand wearing jackets, long-sleeves, and such… but a scarf? Like a fashionable scarf. And Mila’s wearing makeup too. We’re supposed to be 30 years out and she’s dressed like the season’s fads from Charlotte Russe. Her hair is also wayyy too clean to be rollin’ in the desert like that, and after getting almost raped in the dirt.
30. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: For thou art with me; blah blah blah” Hollywood acts as if this is the only verse in the bible.
31. There’s a ring around the moon. That means rain is coming usually. Did they do this to make the shot pretty or is this some foreshadowing?
32. So we know his name is Eli because he wrote his name on his backpack like a third grader.
33. Gratuitous cocking. Like always in every other movie.
http://www.cracked.com/article_18576_5-ridiculous-gun-myths-everyone-believes…
34. I hope my apocalyptic couch has a MP7 in it…
35. I like how he sets the bomb down instead hucking it.
36. Everything in that house was shot up except for them.
37. That guy is like, the same age as the other guy, but he didn’t know what a TV was.
38. A lightning bolt in the background the same time Denzel gets shot. That must be the stunning visuals everyone was talking about.
39. Oldman’s sunglasses don’t seem like they do much. Very fashionable though. Just as over-dramatic as his acting.
40. How does Mila know how to drive… or lob off hand grenades?
41. The bridge doesn’t even have a complete hole in it. Fail.
42. She can’t row? I mean he does have a bullet in him. What a priss.
43. How’d they get that boat anyways? Boat rentals…
44. Malcolm McDowell, man has he got some end of the world issues. I mean, think about all the stuff he’s been in like this… Doomsday, Metalocalypse, Fallout 3, Chaos at Earth’s Core, etc.
45. That would suck BALLS. Those aren’t small books either. The Bible is thick AND has itty bitty type.
46. “Are you leaving me?” Well, slowly… and blindly….
47. They had to have the old guy write it all down. If he didn’t already have Arthritis, he definitely does now.
48. We’re not reading the Koran, why’s Denzel wearing that?
49. Why’s she all dressed up like him now? Poser.
50. That’s the only Bible they made? “Well, now we’re done, let’s file that away with all the other books we aren’t going to read or let anyone touch anytime soon. Move on to the next.”
I didn’t NOT like this movie because it was Christiany, or because they killed a cat. I hated it because it was cheesy, boring, and too hyped up. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 