50 Reasons Why ‘War Horse’ Sucked

3 Feb 2013

Current Thoughts: Too pretty, no emotion.

• War Horse
• Opened December 25, 2011 | Runtime:2 hr 26 min
• PG-13

  Intense sequences of war violence

• Information for parents: Common Sense Media says OK for kids 13+. Read More
• An epic adventure for audiences of all ages. Set against a sweeping canvas of rural England and Europe during the First World War, “War Horse” begins with the remarkable friendship between a horse named Joey and a young man called Albert, who tames and trains him. When they are forcefully parted, the film follows the extraordinary journey of the horse as he moves through the war, changing and inspiring the lives of all those he meets—British cavalry, German soldiers, and a French farmer and his granddaughter—before the story reaches its emotional climax in the heart of No Man’s Land.
• Cast: Jeremy Irvine, Peter Mullan, Emily Watson, Niels Arestrup, David Thewlis
• Director: Steven Spielberg
• Genres: Drama

1. I know horses are pretty big when they’re born, but holy hell that thing was huge.

2. That’s an already trained horse coming for that apple.

3. “That horse look slike a solid one over there.” Really, just buy the Clysdale.

4. 30 Guineas? Maybe you should slow down on the drinking.

5. Guineas btw, what, do they just carry around a crate of Guineas around the market?

6. Weird lighting on the family & house. Is this whole set on a studio?

7. Not going for oats. He was completely social before this.

8. This horse is very tiny. Unless that kid is like, 7 feet tall. What kind of bitty Thoroughbred is this?

9. Barn lighting when man tries to shoot horse.

10. What is with this stupid fucking goose? This isn’t ‘Charolett’s Web’.

11. That was super easy putting the plow on the horse.

12. Where are all these people coming from? They all just randomly showed up quietly.

13. He’d be so dirty & fucked up from being dragged up that rocky hill.

14. God it got dark & rainy really unrealistically fast.

15. The horse neighs while plowing through a rock like, ‘FUCK YOU ROCK!’

16. The soil looks like its been sopping wet with rain for months.

17. ‘He never gave up.’ Are you sure about that? He look slike a given up drunk to me.

18. After running all the way down to town & the kid isn’t even slightly breathless.

19. The amount of double shadows I’ve seen so far…

20. The horses next to each other in the stalls & the black one’s head is huge but when they are training next to each other, they are the same size.

21. He obviously doesn’t have a girlfriend when all he does all day is draw pictures of his horse.

22. Slices across the backI can’t see you dying from, but stabbing in the front, yes.

23. They are shooting at the horses jumping over them & only hitting the people, not mowing down a single horse.

24. All the dead horses & people perfectly spaced & layed out.

25. The German brothers don’t even look like brothers- or Germans.

26. Both horses perfer to lay while sleeping.

27. Brown horse is bigger than the black in the French stables.

28. The Germans didn’t see the girl run by with two horses as they approached the house.

29. You still don’t know how your parents died & you’re how old?

30. Girl’s Grandpa is talking. Bored. very boring. Get to the point of the story…. Your parents were carrier pigeons?

31. Why the fuck would a dress look like that under a blanket? You can’t be that stupid.

32. All the horses jerked when the one horse was shot but they are war horses. They should be used to it.

33. Joey putting his life in front of the black horse’s. For the second time. The first time was a stretch, this one I definitely don’t believe.

34. The posts on fire are perfectly spaced apart for asthetic purposes?

35. Because going after one horse is super smart even though you just saw a shit ton of Germans run the other way.

36. Spielberg tried way too hard for emotion that I’m completely not feeling.

37. I think someone would have gotten run over by now from Joey running through the trench.

38. Of course the men helping Joey in barbedwire both speak English with no accents.

39. Taking forever to shoot horse.

40. No one would think anything of the horse looking towards the kid.

41. No one would be parting the way for the kid either.

42. Seems like everyone is wasting their time in this war. Dealing with this boy & his horse, let’s all just stand around.

43. Should’ve believed him. It comes to him on a dove call should have been enough.

44. The lighting while they people are arguing about the auction.

45. As a parent I would swear that my kid signed up just to go to war, kill the original guy who got Joey, then came home.

46. Epic dramatic lioghting along with sunset.

47. More overdramatic music.

48. No wind at all.

49. I STILL feel no connection between the horse & the kid.

50. Title at the end of the movie because I forgot what I was watching.

FAIL.