Monthly Archives: June 2011
50 Reasons Why ‘Battle: Los Angeles’ Sucked
6/19/2011
Current Thoughts: Typical War Movie Cliche.
Battle: Los Angeles
- Opened March 11, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr. 56 min.
- For years, there have been documented cases of UFO sightings around the world – Buenos Aires, Seoul, France, Germany, China. But in 2011, what were once just sightings will become a terrifying reality when Earth is attacked by unknown forces. As people everywhere watch the world’s great cities fall, Los Angeles becomes the last stand for mankind in a battle no one expected. It’s up to a Marine staff sergeant and his new platoon to draw a line in the sand as they take on an enemy unlike any they’ve ever encountered before.
- Cast: Aaron Eckhart, Ramon Rodríguez, Will Rothhaar, Cory C. Hardrict
- Director: Jonathan Liebesman
- Genres: Sci-Fi ActionAlien FilmCombat FilmsScience Fiction
50 Reasons Why ‘Battle Lost Angeles’ Sucked
1. Is there a radio station in California that only plays this one single song on repeat 24/7? And when are they going to make a new California song? This one seems a bit over played. That Katy Perry song doesn’t count.
2. I like how they’re showing the names of everyone, but I highly doubt anyone watching this is actually remembering them.
3. “I’ll see you soon, bro.” But hopefully not TOO SOON.
4. Chick in yellow jacket… I thought this was set in 2011?
5. The cameraman forgot to get out of the Humvee to follow the staff sergeant.
6. If they knew meteors were coming and they were evacuating, why would they stick the ships right there to be demolished?
7. Those people on the beach deserved it- City calls for an evacuation and you go to the beach.
8. That guy had nothing in his backpack. You can tell by him running to the chopper and it’s bouncing all over the place.
9. ‘You got a silver badge and my brother came home in a box.’ Dude, pull the tampon out.
10. Why bother starting the movie here, but then backing up? Just start it at the beginning so I don’t need to watch this twice.
11. ‘You kill anything that’s not human.’ Dogs, cats ‘n shit.
12. Staff Sergeant- just standing and being dumbfounded.
13. Why’s it so smokey?
14. ‘How many civilians do you think we need to get out of the police station?’ How about SHH and focus. Not like it matters how many anyways, you’re still gonna try and get them all.
15. How is that radio still playing if that truck was blown up?
16. Yes, that’s a dog. FOCUS you fucks, the dog is running towards you for a reason.
17. I like how the camera has to pan across every single dead body the soldiers run by.
18. Why’d they take his helmet off? You’re never supposed to take your helmet off. Brush it off, put it back on.
19. Dude, that alien was gangsta shooting.
20. I don’t think I would use a scope at this point. It’s all point shooting that close.
21. Anyone going to reload at any point in time?
22. Another smoke grenade? I think there’s enough smoke going on.
23. ‘Are there going to be anymore choppers?’ Why the fuck would you want a chopper after seeing that one get blown up right above you?
24. Typical soldier to soldier yelling pep talk.
25. ‘If you need him to do anything…’ Perfect- Go play bait, child…
26. ‘Maybe I can help, I’m a veterinarian.’ LOL
27. Yeah baby, stand up, high five- Jesus, the amount of time they like to waste!
28. ‘To the right where the heart would be.’ Looks like you just shanked the shit outta its stomach.
29. I don’t even know how they are getting away with being on this bus for so long.
30. AND THAT’S WHY I GOT A MEDAL MOTHERFUCKERS! -That’s what I would say when I got back on the bus if I were Staff Sergeant.
31. These alien ships are so shitty, they all look and run like scrap metal with a motor. I’m surprised they came all the way to Earth still intact.
32. Let’s all just sit here and chit chat….
33. Michelle Rodriguez- FIX YOUR GODDAMNED HELMET WTF. They couldn’t find one that fits her????
34. How did they not see that tank there? They are right up on it.
35. ‘I’M NOT LEAVING YOU GET THE MEDIC LEAVING YOU GET THE’ Jesus. Christ.
36. He had a shit ton of sticks in that bag, you’d think it’d do a bit more damage.
37. Was Staff Sergeant expecting to see the lieutenant under a pile of rubble? Quit standing on the freeway and get the fuck going.
38. ‘You promise to save my son?’ I promise to use him as a human shield.
39. If our water is so special and no one else has it and that’s how these aliens survive- then how the fuck did they get here and how the fuck were they surviving before?
40. With the shaky/ not shaky camera, it’s like the producers wanted to make this movie look shitty on purpose.
41. ‘You remind me of my brother.’ *thanks* ‘He never smiles either.’ *thanks*
42. ‘Staff sergeant, Mr. Dude is dead.’ *Slams hands on table!* Well, what did you expect??
43. Hugs little kid, camera angle from above, jagged weird zoom as if it stuck for a second or got hung up on something.
44. Listing off men who died- is his voice supposed to be all echoey?
45. ‘They’re going down like bowling pins.’ I’m happy she only has like, 7 lines in the whole movie and they’re ALL RETARDED.
46. Why aren’t they getting attacked in the air now? Aliens taking a break?
47. Helicopters usually drop the ropes when they fly off. Obviously you don’t want the ropes flinging around, but not this helicopter, it’s hardcore.
48. Wow, it became daylight real quick.
49. She’s just falling on the ground all over the place, and there’s her fucking helmet, falling off to one side again.
50. Drones fall from the sky, they shoot some aliens running on the ground, then MORE drones fall from the sky…. Were they just SUPER high up in the air, or what?
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Red Riding Hood’ Sucked
6/17/2011
Current Thoughts: God, I hate Twilight.
Red Riding Hood
- Opened March 11, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr. 49 min.
- Young Valerie (Amanda Seyfried) feels torn between two men. She loves Peter, but her parents intend that she marry wealthy Henry. Valerie and Peter plan to run away together, but before they can put the plan into action, her sister is killed by a werewolf. The villagers call in Father Solomon (Gary Oldman), a famous monster hunter, to help, but when Solomon warns that the beast takes human form by day, Valerie begins to suspect that the werewolf is someone she loves.
- Cast: Amanda Seyfried, Gary Oldman, Billy Burke, Shiloh Fernandez, Max Irons, Virginia Madsen, Lukas Haas, Julie Christie, Shauna Kain, Michael Hogan, Adrian Holmes, Cole Heppell
- Director: Catherine Hardwicke
- Genres: Fairy Tales & LegendsHorror
If you take out the part where Valerie is having a dream, talking to her grandmother, this wouldn’t even need to be titled ‘Red Riding Hood’ because it really has nothing to do with that at all. “Loosely based” is an understatement.
50 Reasons Why “Red Riding Hood” Sucked
1. Such a quiet and windless area, yet the windmill is moving and all around them the trees are rustling.
2. He seems a little old for her.
3. How’d they catch that rabbit, it eats grass and shit. I throw lettuce out to a feral rabbit and it’s still super hesitant. And it was so tame in her arms.
4. So that guy just had the horse drag the wood like, 5ft and that’s it?
5. That’s all the wolf did? Scratch her, didn’t drag the body off with him and eat it?
6. It was just sunny like 2 seconds ago and now it’s full blown out winter…
7. “You’ll get to know him.” We shouldn’t talk too loud because we’re still in the same room technically.
8. It can’t come out during the day? Then how was that girl killed in the middle of the day?
9. “All sorrows are less with bread.” And I bet she was 400lbs.
10. This village looks like a cheap Keebler Elf knockoff with major spikes everywhere.
11. Everyone is wearing blue now while she’s got this cape that’s red. It’s like “The Sixth Sense” up in this bitch.
12. If they knew where the wolf was, why’d it take them this long to go after it? Why waste stupid farm animals on the thing?
13. The amount of wooden spikes on things, jesus. I wonder what the death toll here is just from accidental impalement.
14. This wouldn’t be such a poor village if they didn’t waste all their money on glass windows.
15. Momma and V are the only hot chicks in this village probably because they are the only ones with a super secret stash of makeup and hair product.
16. Solomon’s kids couldn’t have cried about this on the way over? Odd filler conversation.
17. I just love this random entourage Solomon brings with him: the Asian knife guy and 2 Black dudes.
18. How long ago did he kill his wife? The bandage looked great too, did he embalm the whole thing?
19. Random woman standing in the middle of the party with a clump of hay shit on her head.
20. I highly doubt they danced like that back in the day.
21. How did she “sense” the wolf?
22. Omg, really, this guy is drawing the wolf while everyone else is being attacked.
23. The wolf actually looked like a badass, until he spoke. Not so awesome anymore.
24. I thought this would be more of a mystery but it’s obvious who the wolf is just by seeing who’s not around when the wolf shows up.
25. So how long is her cloak thing, looks ginormous when she’s dreaming.
26. Good thing someone reacted when he yelled for water. Not everyone rush up at once. Take your time.
27. I love how everyone that dies from the wolf only has a scratch on their face.
28. There are wayyy too many close up eye shots going on in this movie.
29. Chrome nail polish? Oh, silver nails. How to you make that shit stay there? I understand he jammed them up on in there, but that’s not gonna last. Your body would soooo reject that.
30. What really pisses me off about this railing, Henry, is that I can’t even set a cup on it.
31. It’s like an Edward/ Jacob fight. Who can have messier hair.
32. What I don’t understand is why everyone is acting so guilty. Anyone who isn’t the wolf wouldn’t be slinking around in the dark, going missing for no reason, or acting just plain weird.
33. Redhead’s brother doesn’t look like he died of burns or anything. He looked fine.
34. I didn’t know if that was redhead crying/moaning, but I guess it was just the retarded music.
35. Quit moving, I can only see through these 2 little slits with this dumbass mask on.
36. Yep, we’re all set, ready to kill the wolf from on top of the buildings. Bunch of head nods and waves, yeppers, we’re STILL all set.
37. It’s just sand that’s on fire, why’s it so smokey and why can’t you just kick it out?
38. “Valerie!!” Dude, yell out the elephant’s trunk.
39. These action scenes are killing me- too fast, too blurry, and way too all over the place.
40. Why WOULDN’T you want to go with the wolf? It’s SO super cute.
41. Wtf is up with all the fog just in this little area?
42. Grandmother, you’ve been to too many coke parties.
43. Well Peter shouldn’t have acted so mysterious. It’s his own damn fault that he got shanked.
44. And even if Peter were the wolf- don’t you think if he just laid there, called out for help, to get her to be like “teehee oh, he’s not the wolf,” that it would have been more plausible instead of running off without a drop of spilled blood? How fucking pointless is that? This part doesn’t even fit the story.
45. That doesn’t look like soup grandma.
46. The moment of ‘Aha! That’s who it is!’ was more like an ‘Ok, NEXT, just kill it and get it over with.’
47. Dude, V, what are you doing? Why wait? Grab a snickers and your little basket, and kill that mofo!
48. So you open his chest, throw some rocks in, then sew him back up? Might as well just break open his ribs, shove some rocks under his liver, then just dump him, not like the rocks are going to fall out of him at that point, why waste your time?
49. Are they going to frolick together? She should be throwing a ball, so they can play fetch.
50. I guess since she wasn’t allowed to direct the rest of the “Twilight” movies, Catherine Hardwicke thought she’d make her own werewolf movie… and totally DIDN’T redeem herself.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 