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50 Reasons Why ‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2’ Sucked
2/Mar/2013
Current Thoughts: I hate spelling the blonde vampire guy’s name.
Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2
- Opened November 16, 2012
- 1 hr 56 min
- PG-13 | Sequences of violence including disturbing images, some sensuality and partial nudity
- Parents: Common Sense Media says OK for kids 14+. More on child suitability
- Bella (Kristen Stewart) awakes — as a vampire — from her life-threatening labor, and her newborn daughter, Renesmee, proves to be very special indeed. While Bella adjusts to her new state of being, Renesmee experiences accelerated growth. When the Volturi learn of the baby’s existence, they declare her to be an abomination and sentence the Cullens to death. Bella, Edward (Robert Pattinson) and the rest of the clan seek help from allies around the world to protect their family. Full synopsis
- Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser,Ashley Greene, Jackson Rathbone, Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed, Billy Burke, Chaske Spencer,Mackenzie Foy, Maggie Grace
- Director: Bill Condon
- Genres: Romance, Sci-Fi/Fantasy
50 Reasons Why ‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2’ Sucked
1. Longest intro ever.
2. Makeup is perfect after having a kid.
3. Worst CGI ever of her running through the woods.
4. Deer don’t just stand around grunting.
5. Cat scream.
6. I wonder if Renesmee is going to be a popular kids’ name this year.
7. What’s with all the blue clothing.
8. Computer generated freaky huge baby.
9. Bella sounds like a tranny yelling at Jacob.
10. Nessie? Hell yes I’d rather call her that. Her actual name is retarded.
11. Again, like usual, she has no emotion after getting this getaway home.
12. Renesmee’s room obviously, I’m not going to sleep in a crib. Again with the closet. She has the worst, boring personality.
13. That’s really fucking far to go chopping wood.
14. Oh dammit. I was hoping to go through this last movie without teenage boys ripping their clothes off.
15. Why’s Carlisle’s face so white all the damn time? I mean, it’s obvious makeup.
16. WTF, I can’t take this CGI baby. It’s like I’m watching the SyFy channel, the graphics are so bad.
17. Why couldn’t they fins a little girl that looked like them?
18. Benjamin’s stupid power.
19. My kid would have so much hand sanitizer since all she does is touch people.
20. Irish stereotype.
21. This ‘pup’ needs to go home.
22. Of course, the Russians are rebels.
23. There are wayyyy too many characters introduced at this point.
24. Sucks that it takes so long for this guy to retrack all his black smoke.
25. Bella practicing with a very constipated look.
26. Third times a charm, she’s a quick learner.
27. Why do all the vampire’s even bother with contacts still. They don’t have any human interaction anymore.
28. Black guy looking around. Don’t be too suspicious looking.
29. Non CGI Renesmee is even uglier than the CGI Renesme at Christmas.
30. Oh God, Edward & Carlisle’s intimate talk. I should have known Eddy would have a little bitch moment.
31. You don’t have to yell Car, we can hear you from a mile away just fine.
32. What’d they expect, the girl from Taken was going to pay the consequences.
33. WHAT. Modern technology. This is a pathetic excuse for a fight.
34. This Valtori guy, Aro, & his eccentric gasps.
35. Why run toward them, let them come to you. Waste all that energy. Pfft.
36. Jacob seems like he’s taking his sweet as time running away.
37. There’s a lot of excessive head lobbing going on right now.
38. Thanks hun, for using me as a battering ram.
39. What a cop out, Alice Vision. Ugh.
40. Another pathetic spot in the movie, the Indian Vampire Child.
41. I got my good suit on for this & shit doesn’t even go down.
42. Everybody kiss & make up. Watch everyone.
43. Why’d Jacob leave? He’s supposed to be babysitting all the time, cuz, bro, it’s a wolf thing.
44. ‘Should I call you Dad?’ Dude, gross.
45. I don’t need a recap, I’ve already seen all the other movies.
46. How real are the flowers? I didn’t see any crazy bugs. Everything else in this movie was fake.
47. That was it? What a crappy ending for being so damn hyped up. This shouldn’t be the movie to end a trilogy.
48. Recapping the cast of EVERYONE. Even people that weren’t in this movie.
49. Because I forgot what I was watching, we have the title at the end.
50. Oh my bad. I didn’t talk to anyone you already talked to.
FAIL.
Reasons Why ‘Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 1’ Sucked
14/Feb/2012
Current Thoughts: Pain in the balls long ass title
- Opened November 18, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr. 57 min.
- Information for parents: Common Sense Media says OK for kids 14+. Read More
- Please be advised that short sections of “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1” contain flashing light sequences that may cause seizures in people who are susceptible to photosensitive epilepsy.
At last, Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) are getting married. When Jacob (Taylor Lautner) finds out that Bella wants to spend her honeymoon as a human, he is horrified — for Edward’s passion could accidentally kill her. Bella does indeed survive her honeymoon, but a new complication arises when she discovers that she’s pregnant — and the child is growing at an alarming rate. The pregnancy sets the wolves against Bella and Edward, but Jacob vows to protect his friend. - Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Billy Burke, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed, Jackson Rathbone, Ashley Greene, Ty Olsson
- Director: Bill Condon
- Genres: Romance, Sci-Fi/Fantasy
50 Reasons Why ‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part 1’ Sucked
1. He rips his shirt off, but not his pants. Where does he find new clothes? Do they put clothing geocaches randomly in the woods?
2. “Phil, it’s happening.” That beach looks so freakin’ fake.
3. Mom is totally ok that she’s only like, 18 & getting married.
4. The vampire’s eyes just get worse as each movie comes out.
5. This random dog painting in her bedroom just kills me LOL.
6. “Just checking for cold feet” Can’t he see the future?
7. “All the men I killed were monsters & so was I.” What are you bitching about? This conversation is completely pointless.
8. “Someone capable of courage & sacrifice.” *Blink* *Swallow* She must have the strongest neck muscles ever since this is all she does.
9. Quit fuckin’ around on my window sill, my dad’s going to hear & then find out that you guys are vampires.
10. I was never this freaked out on my wedding. It looks like she’s dreading this & is about to faint.
11. They just rushed into their vows, holy shit.
12. So awkward, why is this even still going on? If I were Jacob, I’d be done with this shit. This is worse than the friendzone.
13. Ride away in a Volvo.
14. Wolf howls. GAY.
15. If you don’t think about the birds with the chains, you don’t know anything about Rio.
16. In the taxi, they were going a lot faster than what they see outside of the window.
17. It’s as if they just flew in the plane for like, 20 minutes.
18. Awkward standoff around the bed.
19. For the amount of time that it took her to get ready, he would be so pruny.
20. Are they green screened into this water? It’s so real that it looks fake.
21. Is it really that difficult to be gentle?
22. Why would the feathers still be falling when she wakes up?
23. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am.” So I am going to just walk away.
24. “Don’t ruin this.” Ugh, shut up already.
25. Bella only talking with her top teeth.
26. What a waste of a goddamn beautiful place. Fucking no one would be playing chess.
27. Thanks for leaving me at the waterfall & in the jungle.
28. Puking- maybe because you just ate chicken, juice, & fucking peanut butter.
29. “Don’t come in here.” But I can see you through these little slots anyway.
30. Lighting in Bimmer on the way to the plane.
31. “She said she’s fine but she sounded … off.” Well yeah, she said she was SICK.
32. Jacob: “You did this!” Well yeah, it wasn’t a gang bang. I would HOPE it’s my fault.
33. “You get what you always wanted, to kill me.” Better write that on paper so no one from your clan will come after me.
34. I wonder how much clothing Jacob has to buy every month…
35. They could have so argued about this in human form. So gay.
36. Why is Seth Asian? And what Asian names their kid ‘Seth’? Even if he was Native American, his name still wouldn’t be ‘Seth’.
37. Yahoo? Did he reach the end of the internet? Try Google.
38. Oh my God Edward. “You decided this on your own.”
39. “Feels complete when you’re here, Jake.” Edward: “I’m sitting right here, WIFE.”
40. Good thing this Styrofoam cup is so conveniently here.
41. “Your pulse is already getting stronger.” “It’s working” You don’t say????
42. How is she “good & pure”? She doesn’t do shit, doesn’t do anything except messes with people’s minds.
43. Vampires can’t run but sure as shit can jump.
44. “EJ” It’s not like they both came inside you. But baby’s names? I thought Edward knew what it was.
45. I like how two people are standing right next to her & couldn’t catch her.
46. I just want to know how he extracts his venom.
47. Gayest part: Punching dogs & also Jacob jumping then morphing.
48. How long has she been laying out on this table, fumigating?
49. It’s like she just came online, her wifi just got uploaded. Everyone’s like, “hold on a sec, Bella’s been activated.”
50. We tallied up how many times Bella over acted throughout the movie:
Gulps & Hard breathing: 35
Random eye movements & Worried faces: 37
Lip bites & attempted smiles: 27
Jutting out the chin: 48
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Fright Night’ Sucked
16/Dec/2011
Current Thoughts:Failed at any attempts to be scary, quirky, or sexy
- Opened August 19, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr. 46 min.
-
R
Bloody horror violence and language including some sexual references
- Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 16+. Read More
- Charley (Anton Yelchin) is a high-school senior who’s in with the “in” crowd and dating Amy (Imogen Poots), the most sought-after gal on campus. But trouble enters his world in the form of Jerry Dandridge (Colin Farrell), a charismatic new neighbor. After witnessing some unusual activity next door, Charley concludes that Jerry is a vampire. Of course, no one believes him. After seeking advice from illusionist Peter Vincent (David Tennant), Charley sets out to destroy Jerry himself.
- Cast: Anton Yelchin, Colin Farrell, David Tennant
- Director: Craig Gillespie
- Genres: Horror
50 Reasons Why ‘Fright Night’ Sucked
1. Have you seen The Riddler?
2. Always goes upstairs. God, even the DOG knows what to do.
3. Why would dad have the gun lock keys in his pocket?
4. That is the highest bed in the world.
5. I HATE that! The ONE time someone has a gun & they fuck around & die.
6. “Need help with the trash?” It’s already at the end of the driveway.
7. Jeep Liberty rolls up, then Liberty disappears. Liberty shows up again. Then you see the same Liberty parked in a driveway, opposite of where it turned.
8. For Sale signs SOOOO coming in handy later. Too easy of foreshadowing.
9. This fucking crazy moonlight.
10. He grows claws every time he feeds.
11. I feel like Ed’s story in this is already so deep that I missed some of the movie. I don’t think he gets enough spotlight in this. Like we’re thrusted into the rest of the story too quickly.
12. Ed’s room: disgusting & stagnant.
13. Light beer… Budweiser??? Not too light.
14. “Girls, they need to be managed.” Like raped?
15. Dude, Jerry, quit looking around like you’re a criminal.
16. “Everyone’s gotta look after their own business.” You gotta look after those eyebrows.
17. Complaining about “getting under the covers.” You might as well plow her before she or both of you dies.
18. Starting a fight. You should’ve stopped, told her the whole schpeal, etc.
19. WHY would you call 911 automatically???
20. “How to pick a lock” don’t mind that there’s a deadbolt right above it.
21. It’s so extremely stressful just because of how slow he’s walking through this house.
22. Jerry couldn’t have done a better job blacking out his own windows?
23. As soon as I would have seen his headlights, I would have been down those stairs so fucking fast. And how is Jerry already back so fast? Don’t they live in a neighborhood that’s an ungodly amount of miles out from anything? (Even though in one of the shots, The Luxor looks like a mile away)
24. Look through the peepholes already. That’s what they are there for.
25. Wow, she’s taking this very well. She obviously had no will to live.
26. I know he could be pissing with him, but why couldn’t Jerry have just gone around the other side of the stairs?
27. “A million things right now.” A MILLION.
28. Porn at school would have been blocked & he doesn’t seem that smart to fuck with the proxy. For porn anyway.
29. Carrots with machetes.
30. Jerry’s getting a little careless- right in front of the neighbors in the car.
31. WHY is the house STILL blowing up?
32. There IS service by Vegas, even through the canyons. I’ve driven it many times.
33. Seriously, how far out do they live?? This can’t be Vegas.
34. She could’ve stepped on his hand when he put it on her brakes.
35. Stand there with a cross? Why not walk up & stab him while he’s feeding?
36. Pointless having Chris Sarandon being that character. Might as well not even be in the movie at all.
37. He’s FINALLY looking at these photos?
38. Putting up crosses- one barely did anything to him & you think 20 will do the trick?
39. What is the point of his condo remote if he has to answer his phone for deliveries.
40. The odds of this “magician” meeting the same vampire again… Stupid personal side story that I don’t care for.
41. Fogel as a vampire.
42. Fogel just standing there with his head half chopped. Just cut it all the way off.
43. Always leaving weapons when you know water won’t kill him.
44. I’ve been in a ton of clubs. If you REALLY wanted to get through, you just push.
45. Of course there’s a stake that will change the victims back.
46. WHY is the Army Navy store clerk acting weird? Why would he think this is different from any other day? People buy this kind of stuff all the time.
47. The police aren’t investigating this house.
48. His cross bow was armed & he just threw it on the ground… And it didn’t go off when it landed…
49. “You smell that? It’s your fear.” Same as any other vampire movie.
50. That’s a really weird song to end on. Neat cover, but odd choice.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Priest’ Sucked
- Opened May 13, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr. 27 min.
- Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 14+. Read More
- A warrior priest (Paul Bettany) disobeys Church law by teaming with a young sheriff (Cam Gigandet) and a beautiful priestess (Maggie Q). The three band together to track down a band of renegade vampires who have kidnapped the priest’s niece before they turn her into one of them.
- Cast: Paul Bettany, Karl Urban, Cam Gigandet, Maggie Q, Lily Collins
- Director: Scott Stewart
- Genres: Creature Film, Hybrid Western, Action, Science Fiction
Jesus Christ, it usually doesn’t take me this long to post a review but Photobucket is being a bitch tonight, so I’m stuck using primitive Imageshack. Ugh. So about this movie… Does Hollywood even care about what vampires look like nowadays? This is no Nosferatu, that’s for sure. As for this review: I KNOW THIS WAS ORIGINALLY A COMIC. I DON’T CARE. This is from the movie’s perspective. Absolutely nothing to do with the comic. So I don’t want to see your retarded remarks like “pluh blah blah, if you read the comic…” NO, I DID NOT & WILL NOT. This is a movie blog. Not a “read the comic/book, then watch the movie & compare” blog.
50 Reasons Why ‘Priest’ Sucked
1. Necromongers didn’t treat me right; guess I’ll have to move onto to being a Priest.
2. So the crosses are like tuning forks?
3. Ginger’s dress is unbuttoned again at the dinner table, & it’s fixed again. Hope the rest of the movie doesn’t have bad continuity like this.
4. Yeah, that’s a shitty hiding spot. Maybe if you didn’t hesitate, your mom could have had time to move the table over the hatch.
5. The confessional booths look more like port-a-pottys…
6. That’s a tattoo? It’s just so… perfect for I’m guessing how old it is. Hope he never breaks his nose.
7. Sheriff, you didn’t even give him time to respond before leaving.
8. “Vampire? Nonsense.” Let’s all look at each other and giggle.
9. “To go against the church is to go against God.” Blah Blah, This has been said 3 times so far & I’m sooo sick of hearing it.
10. Did he have a microphone on him; those guards came in at the perfect time.
11. Yes. Epic. Get on the motorcycle that is ginormous.
12. So it’s totally no big deal that he just opened the massive city doors & strolled on out.
13. He looks like he’s going pretty slowly for close to 250mph.
14. “Is it true what they say about priests? They wield the hand of God?” Well, yeah. I am a priest, if you know what one of those are.
15. Why hasn’t the world gotten better? I know it’s been post-apocalyptic times, but why would we revert back to the Wild Wild West?
16. It’s cool, just cut crosses into your bullets and they become instant vampire killers.
17. So the bullets aren’t for the priest, why bitch to the sheriff if you were already planning for him to go?
18. Clunking the coffin into the pit. Easy, man, nice & slow. Have some respect.
19. I thought he was urinating, with how wide the sheriff’s stance was.
20. The motorcycles sound like freakin’ pod racers.
21. Trip over the chickens that are right smack in front of you.
22. “Excrete, they use it to build their hives.” So… why are they excreting on the hand rails?
23. This vampire mutant thingy has nubs for teeth; is that why he was making a chicken smoothie?
24. The sun really sets that quick.
25. I hate this fucking Bible passage. I think I’ve mentioned it before in some other review how they over use this in movies.
26. These “vampires” sure do drool a lot.
27. This sheriff is pathetic. I understand Priest has trained for this, but he really needs to grow some balls.
28. Sheriff complaining about how easy killing is for the priest. If it were me, I’d totally want him thinking it were easy. I don’t see how that’s a bad thing.
29. “You teaching me to shoot?” Obviously, you haven’t impressed me yet.
30. Ok, I understand foaming at the mouth, but why is it BLUE???? It’s like the toothpaste incident from the movie “Just Friends”
31. Don’t be fucking around sheriff, focus. You’re only going to get yourself in trouble, as it is inevitable in every movie where someone starts fucking around when they’re told to stay put.
32. Slo mo prayer position: shit’s going DOWN.
33. I don’t think her outfit with hard nipples showing is very church appropriate.
34. “There are good nights where I don’t dream about bad things.” Yeah, that’s why they are called “good nights”.
35. Necromonger priest can hear the record playing that far away?
36. Go figure- all the ninja slicy shit never pans out right. So pointless.
37. That record player wouldn’t be spinning still after this long…
38. I don’t think those turbine engines would last that long with all this sandy terrain.
39. At least if a sniper was shooting at him, his terminal T would be right there at a certain elevation. Perfect shot.
40. Jesus, she’s STILL setting up this charge.
41. Of course, why wouldn’t the train catch on fire somehow?
42. What a pathetic attempt for a “twist”.
43. And I love how necromonger throws fire at his feet, but the fire manages to make a cute circle around priest but not engulfing him or anything.
44. Where the hell is this vent on the train? Every time the camera shows the train from a distance aways, there is no goddamned vent. It’s starting to piss me off.
45. “You faith has failed you.” What was that? Say it again, you had all this blood gushing everywhere & your words came out very gurgly. It’s not very intimidating.
46. Stopping your bike to see the damage from afar.
47. If I were the priest, I would be assessing the area, making sure everything is cleaned out & dead.
48. Of course his hat is the only thing that survived intact.
49. “LIES!” Are you blind? You can’t fabricate a head like that shit.
50. I’ve got to say, this was way too much. It was like a mix of Judge Dredd/V for Vendetta/Mad Max/Underworld/The Searchers/Van Helsing, etc. I could go on & on & on.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Trick ‘R Treat’ Sucked
- Opened October 5, 2007
- It is said that Halloween is the night when the dead rise to walk among us and other unspeakable things roam free. The rituals of All Hallows Eve were devised to protect us from their evil mischief, and one small town is about to be taught a terrifying lesson that some traditions are best not forgotten. Nothing is what it seems when a suburban couple learns the dangers of blowing out a Jack-o-Lantern before midnight; four women cross paths with a costumed stalker at a local festival; a group of pranksters goes too far and discovers the horrifying truth buried in a local legend; and a cantankerous old hermit is visited by a strange trick-or-treater with a few bones to pick. Costumes and candy, ghouls and goblins, monsters and mayhem…the tricks and treats of Halloween turn deadly as strange creatures of every variety—human and otherwise—try to survive the scariest night of the year.
- Cast: Brian Cox, Anna Paquin, Dylan Baker, Leslie Bibb, Tahmoh Penikett
- Director: Michael Dougherty
- Genres: Psychological ThrillerEnsemble FilmHorror
Someone on Fandango said this was ‘jizzed in my pants fantastic’. So fucking stupid.
I think Mr. Potatohead should be a killer. He’d be one sadistic mofo, carrying all of his weapons in his ass.
50 Reasons Why ‘Trick ‘R Treat’ Sucked
1. Never go to a stranger’s house? How many people really do that? I think I only knew like 3 people on my block but still went to every single house, plus other neighborhoods.
2. Aren’t they a little old to be dressed up?
3. Who takes Halloween decorations down the night of?
4. What is he supposed to be anyways?
5. Take the sheets off and it’s a jesus cross. Perfect for Easter.
6. Wait now I’m confused. She just told him to go masturbate.
7. Gross, wouldn’t want that candy bag.
8. “One night to be the scariest thing.” Or a whore.
9. Little late to be getting a costume…
10. “Was wondering what time you get off?” Must be the ears.
11. None of the other girls paid for their costumes.
12. Bad Santa kid! Is he gonna make me some sammiches?
13. I like the diversity in this group: white girl, Asian, and a black chick.
14. This guy sooooo has a big pit in his basement.
15. How did that make a knife noise when it came out of a soft pumpkin?
16. I’d so be throwing up on him.
17. Now it looks like this guy’s getting a blow job from the kid.
18. Wtf is in that little kid’s bag, a cat?
19. Dude, why did he kill this kid?
20. WHY would you give a finger to a dog?? Incrimintaing.
21. What the fuck is this guy’s deal?
22. Don’t mind the perfect 4×8 hole in the ground.
23. There’s another hole out back for you, you little fuck, for scaring me.
24. Why’d he have to hide the knife? The kid thinks he’s carving a pumpkin.
25. I don’t think he should be a principal.
26. I’ve never seen Halloween like this. Seems like the town to go to kill people and have crazy orgies.
27. Typical nerdy girl- nasty with glasses.
28. What kind of kids were these, wearing cuffs? Halfway house kids? Kids in Juvy don’t even wear handcuffs.
29. I wouldn’t make the girl be the ass.
30. Holy Jesus, that woman’s huge.
31. It’s just her braces picking up radio signals.
32. These masks are still floating there? And you can’t see down to the bottom during the day?
33. Hearing things? That hood would be down instantly if it were me. Fuck the costume.
34. So is this guy a real vampire or what.
35. OMG another twist.
36. I was wondering why there were only chicks at this party.
37. Are they all lesbos? No, another twist. Vampires.
38. Are they shedding, wait they’re also werewolves? They stripped their skin off which was weird and scandalous.
39. Killer in beginning that we didn’t see, principal, random woman, tard kids that are also cannibals, werewolves, and a mystery sock puppet. Man, he has some frequent flyer miles because he’s getting all over this town.
40. I’d hate to do a census here, nothing would ever be accurate.
41. Corey Taylor when he’s older, throwin’ pictures in the fire. “Dead Memories”.
42. Listen to that remote control. Now that’s old school.
43. Pump action noise when it’s a double barrel.
44. He’s wheezing, sounds like his internet trying to dial up? A fax, maybe, coming in…
45. On the ceiling, oh shit, drop him like a bad habit!
46. You can make pumpkin pie with that brain.
47. Where did this mythical being come from? He’s humpty dumpty puttin’ himself back together again.
48. Dude, he had an achilles tendon cut. How’s he walking out to give out candy?
49. First time a gun was decently deployed in a movie but still…
50. So confused at a couple parts in the story and there were a lot of wasted elements in that film as well.
Jesus fuck. I haven’t had to sit down and recap in a really long time. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 