50 Reasons Why ‘The Darkest Hour’ Sucked

15/April/2012

Current Thoughts:It’s been a long time since movie characters have pissed me off this much.

The Darkest Hour

• Opened December 25, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr 29 min
• PG-13

  Sci-fi action violence and some language

• Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 14+. Read More
• The story of five young people who find themselves stranded in Moscow, fighting to survive in the wake of a devastating alien attack.
• Cast: Emile Hirsch, Olivia Thirlby, Max Minghella, Rachael Taylor, Joel Kinnaman, Veronika Vernadskaya
• Director: Chris Gorak
• Genres: Action/Adventure, Sci-Fi/Fantasy, Suspense/Thriller

50 Reasons Why ‘The Darkest Hour’ Sucked

1. Camera zoomed too far forward & pans back on plane.

2. These kids keep saying ‘Mos-COW’. Christ, calm down, no need to kill the word.

3. Ben: “Wait for us”. I hope the taxi driver knows what that means.

4. The lighting on the two girls.

5. If this were a real club, they would be yelling at each other because you can’t hear shit in a club.

6. Sean: “Your mom left it in my room.” If I were you Sean, I wouldn’t be talking about wolves because that statement levels you down to age 12.

7. Anne needs both hands to take a photo because I guess that’s how you do it in Australia. Camera’s not that heavy.

8. “This isn’t normal.” All I can do is facepalm that comment.

9. “Sean, you see that?” YEAH BUDDY & SO CAN EVERYONE ELSE.

10. So, it doesn’t like shoes, this is the second person that had his shoes flung.

11. Why is it so slow, but it can grab & kill fast.

12. Anne with her ridiculous amounts of screaming. This isn’t a Sam Raimi film.

13. Wait, what do you mean Saturday? SUNDAY? Now it’s Monday. Tuesday… Darkest “Hour”???? How about “Darkest Four, Possibly Five Days Depending on How Long The Movie Takes Place”? That seems like a batter title.

14. US Embassy? For what? Wtf are they going to do?

15. “Is it going to be like this all over the city?” Hurr Durr. Oh god, this dialogue; the dumbest kids on the planet & we have to revolve around them.

16. I hope Skyler dies quick. I’m sick of weak people in movies. Whiny bitches.

17. She’s already falling & she’s only 5ft out of the club. Fucking girls.

18. The ash is like a mixture between packing peanuts & rice.

19. You all walk that far onto the bridge and are JUST NOW seeing this big gaping hole?

20. “Where’d it go? Can you see anything?” It’s fucking pretty much invisible, I thought they established that, so why… WHY would you ask that question??

21. Natalie- just drop the shoes already.

22. Sean, it’s just a girl in a bra. Have you really been that sheltered all your life that you need to gawk at her?

23. “Wanna get yourself killed?” says the tard with the gun who can’t shoot.

24. I wouldn’t even look back at Skyler as I go up the stairs. Why do they care?

25. Nobody asking about the “soundtrack”. It sounds like it’s supposed to be noises that the aliens or whatever are making.

26. “It’s Skyler, what is he doing?” Another dumb fucking question. Does it really matter? The guy is an idiot & you know you will run into another Russian to be your translator.

27. Anne: “I can’t do this.” UGH. She needs to go next.

28. “There’s someone in there.” OBVIOUSLY.

29. “Hurry, the sun’s coming up.” It’s already up. The streets lights wouldn’t even be on anymore at this point. They lag for only you.

30. This nut bat had all this time to construct this room for this EXACT thing to happen.

31. They are questioning his microwave gun. Take the guy’s word for it- his room works.

32. You just killed off the ONLY interesting character & he was on screen for all of about 10 minutes. Are you kidding me?

33. That horse is fucking AMAZING to put up with all that noise & explosions. It must’ve had a lot of training & specifically be a WAR HORSE.

34. “Seattle.” “Ah, Nirvana.” UGH. Fucking Nirvana. Shitty band. Way too much hype.

35. I understand these guys just saved you, but you are never supposed to tell others about what weapons you have or where the nuclear submarine is, or that there even is a nuclear submarine. The less people the better.

36. What a waste of actually filming in Moscow when you ruin everything by CGI-ing so much.

37. Why are you giving him some sap story- he never said you can’t leave, or that they have to come with you. Just fucking go.

38. I think you’ve got enough bulbs on the ground. How about save some for later?

39. Ben dies- muffled- slo-mo- not as dramatic as they were aiming for.

40. I don’t know why the guy with the RPG doesn’t have a RPG loaded…

41. Sean can’t at least say jump or something before they all are blasted with debris in the face?

42. “I have orders, etc. etc.” He’s the next William Shatner.

43. Natalie is ashore for some reason??? And in an industrial yard? Fucking WHY WHY WHY?????? Go to the submarine, dumb dumb dumb.

44. The alien and it’s shitty CGI retarded looking skull. So gay.

45. God, this movie has been in a such a rush to get somewhere & now we are at the end of it & it still doesn’t seem to know where it wants to go.

46. “Be careful- they’re out there.” Really? I assumed they all got bored & left.

47. I’m suddenly watching ‘Speed’.

48. Don’t worry, naval officer, I will get the nuclear submarine’s door even though I have no fucking clue what I’m doing because I’ve never been on a nuclear submarine before.

49. Jesus sub, cruisin’ through that river.

50. “This is how it starts.” Why are we still watching this movie? Why is this part in here? Fucking just end already! This is a shitty sequel hinter. There shouldn’t even be a sequel!

FAIL.

Wtf is this: