Monthly Archives: October 2010
50 Reasons Why ‘Predators’ (2010) Sucked
- Opened July 9, 2010 | Runtime:1 hr. 47 min.
- Maverick filmmaker Robert Rodriguez tackles producing duties for a revamp of the Predator film series with this 20th Century Fox/Troublemaker Studios production focusing on a human survival adventure set on the Predator’s home planet. Kontroll’s Nimród Antal directs from a script by Alex Litvak and Michael Finch, with Adrien Brody heading up an international cast.
- Cast: Adrien Brody, Topher Grace, Alice Braga, Walton Goggins, Oleg Taktarov, Laurence Fishburne, Danny Trejo
- Director: Nimród Antal
- Genres: Sci-Fi ActionActionScience Fiction
I just want to say in advanced that Mark & I got really ‘gun-snobby’ during this, so a few of the points are strictly informationals about the guns in this film. I didn’t really like this movie mainly because the predators weren’t even in half of it, and also for the fact that they took a lot of the scenes and lines from previous Predator movies.
(Btw, in the movie, only one laser is aimed at Adrien, not like the shit ton that are aimed at him in the trailer. Confused? Yeah, me too.)
50 Reasons Why ‘Predators’ Sucked
1. I feel like your parachute really wanted to kill you. It didn’t want to deploy and you didn’t even bother with trying the emergency shoot?
2. “Single shooter” “How do you know?” Umm… maybe because of the noise that minigun puts out?
3. They aren’t going to the body of the guy whose shoot didn’t open? I would’ve gotten all of his weapons as well.
4. “Your ass is awesome.” Really? You can’t even tell with all the gear and tac pants she has on.
5. Black ops- always black. My ops are blacker than yours.
6. I like how the Cartel member’s rockin’ two MP5K’s.
7. Beretta with a big long comp on it and all shiny. Gotta love movie prop guns.
8. Why’d they make Yakuza go in first to check it out?
9. Well, Predators didn’t waste any time setting up traps.
10. Must’ve had a little bit of talkin’ to the Vietnamese on that trap with the hole and spikes at the bottom.
11. Always the most spiritual ones (black guy) that knows there’s something there.
12. yeah, what country are we on- OR NOT…
13. No one has hit the dog thing yet and it’s running in a straight line towards them.
14. Alright, Russian’s minigun isn’t actually spinning. Yes, there is a muzzle flash and sound, but that shit sure isn’t actually firing.
15. Why did the convict and the doctor run? I woulda stayed behind someone with a gun.
16. Hold up, wtf is a Russian spetsnaz operator doing with an American minigun? He should have the Russian one…
17. Why isn’t anyone reloading their shit while there’s a break?
18. At least someone’s smart, and no one is arguing with Adrien.
19. Yeah, it’s a trap. I could’ve told you that. I don’t know why they aren’t flanking him.
20. Russian wouldn’t be lugging around that minigun actually. That in reality, is 62lbs. By it’s self, not including ammo, or the damn battery pack it needs. And he couldn’t hold it while shooting.
Recoil Forces on a MG 134G:
3,000 RPM: 200 lbs.
3,200 RPM: 235 lbs.
4,000 RPM: 320 lbs.
That’s a big no on running around, firing off a minigun.
21. Adrien, why do you keep taking off your gun?
22. What is this behemoth scope that she has? Her rifle is definitely NOT standard issue for the Israeli Defense Force…
Note: This is actually a real scope, called the Elcan DigitalHunter 2.5-16.5x which you can see HERE
23. It would stink so fucking bad in this area.
24. No one’s even taking a peek at these crazy predator skulls?
25. The original lasers looked better than these.
26. Everyone luckily had their rifles slung btw, going off the cliff.
27. Hold on a sec, you’ve got to be kidding me- Predator has a predator drone?
28. Omg, these people, get over it. Yeah, you were baited by Adrien Brody, but now you nkow what you’re up against.
29. You make the doctor run? I would have made the con go, just in case you need the doctor for later.
30. “Over here, over here, over here,” Quit fucking with us, Morpheus.
31. The power doesn’t attract the predators?
32. “Salvaging what I can from where I can.” This is the start of The Matrix.
33. I’ve never heard Morpheus so quiet before. In all his other movies he’s always angry and yelling.
34. “Do you know what I was doing before I was taken?” Well, no, I wasn’t there.
35. “It’s because we’re predators.” Yeah, you’re just now catching on even though Adrien explained that like, 30 minutes ago?
36. Why are we all in just one area of the room, waiting to get attacked?
37. Surefires are so bright, they make noises like light sabres when you move them in different directions.
38. Boy, Predator isn’t quiet at all when he’s approaching Topher, why be invisible at this point with all your growling?
39. Always the long empty field. Last time there was a field like this, raptors came running out.
40. For being a woman, I’m surprised she’s letting her hair get all in her face still. I would have put my hair up better.
41. PSST. PREDATOR. HEY, IT’S ADRIEN. I’M GONNA CUT YOU DOWN. NOW, NO BITING.
42. Montage music.
43. An epic battle- predator vs. predator.
44. A predator snuck up on a predator? Is that logical? So, how do they know if they are in the line of another one when firing?
45. Predator puts on mask *music* shot to Topher *music awkwardly abruptly stops*
46. A whole new meaning to “poke with a stick”
47. Shirt off Adrien Brody.
48. Why doesn’t predator just change his colors so the fire will quit freaking him out? Does he not remember that his vision has different settings?
49. Adrien getting tired of running and hitting, it’s like I’m mail box smashing.
50. Role credits with song from the first predator movie. C’mon. Lame.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Prince of Persia: Sands of Time’ Sucked
- Opened May 28, 2010 | Runtime:1 hr. 56 min.
- From the team that brought the “Pirates of the Caribbean” trilogy to the big screen, Walt Disney Pictures and Jerry Bruckheimer Films present “Prince of Persia: The Sands of Time,” an epic action-adventure set in the mystical lands of Persia. A rogue prince (Jake Gyllenhaal) reluctantly joins forces with a mysterious princess (Gemma Arterton) and together, they race against dark forces to safeguard an ancient dagger capable of releasing the Sands of Time—a gift from the gods that can reverse time and allow its possessor to rule the world.
- Cast: Jake Gyllenhaal, Gemma Arterton, Ben Kingsley, Alfred Molina, Steve Toussaint
- Director: Mike Newell
- Genres: Costume AdventureFantasy AdventureAdventure
Wtf is the word ‘costume’ doing in genre? Don’t all actors wear costumes? I know I’m behind on the bandwagon for this movie but I just didn’t really care to see it all. I think they were trying to go for ‘visually stunning’ but it was pretty mediocre in my opinion. The game is more entertaining as well. Meh, they can’t all be winners.
50 Reasons Why ‘Prince of Persia: Sands of Time’ Sucked
1. The king just saw that he’d make the perfect super soldier, that’s all.
2. English accent in ‘back in the day Persia’.
3. Steel tipped arrows. Big whoop. What were they using before- Flint-napped arrows?
4. That tattoo is gonna wear off in like, one day.
5. Why are all the kids making the decisions? How about the Kings or Queens?
6. Blue and Orange. The only colors this was filmed in.
7. It’s daylight already.
8. If he starts grinding something on his shield, I’ll be done with this movie.
9. Her arms all open- what’s she doing- preparing for flight?
10. Epic sword deploy.
11. Horses can go through fire but people can’t.
12. ‘So for once the stories are true.’ Haha, everyone knows that inside joke.
13. I swear they’ve got a studio audience or a sign that says when to laugh or make noise.
14. Someone had to ride to tell the king they invaded this city and then beat him back there to tell the princes he was coming. That guy is lightning quick.
15. This kind of sounds like how we invaded Iraq… and we can’t find any weapons of mass destruction…
16. She’s the only one that looks slightly Persian, or that could at least attempt to pull it off.
17. How did a robe set this guy on fire? Worst assassination ever.
18. “Releasing the sand turns back time” Yeah, Jake. You just witnessed that twice before figuring it out?
19. “Leave a helpless woman.” Well, you did try to kill me three times last night.
20. Ostriches. What does this have anything to do with anything?
21. First thing I would have done if I were her was to take that ridiculous ostrich feather off of my head, not waited ten minutes.
22. I love how covering your mouth makes you completely invisible.
23. Dude, I’d be so pissed off at her. When will they start working together because it’s making the movie drag.
24. No one knows how to lead their targets around here. All their archers need to be retrained.
25. And btw, how could he NOT tell the uncle was bad- jesus, so obvious.
26. Slow motion epic jump.
27. “I didn’t kill father” I will kill you though.
28. Both kings so far always had their crowns crooked. I guess that’s just how the Persians do it.
29. So you have to get past the flipping ninjas to get to the real Persians.
30. “You brought what I requested?” Mice. Om nom nom.
31. That is one trained horse to just lay there like that in a sand storm.
32. She sounds a lot like Rachel Weize. I’m expecting to see a mummy at any moment.
33. It’s forbidden to turn back time as long as you want…. says who? why?
34. How’d she get that far from the city anyhow?
35. I would say they’re gonna do it, but this is Disney.
36. I memorized this path as a child, every princess must- it’s sacred. That’s the only reason.
37. “Protect the dagger!” Yell that out loud, that won’t attract them to her at all. She’s wearing all white, long dark hair, here let me make you a sketch, Mr. Hassansin.
38. World’s slowest kiss.
39. Funny, the black guy has broken English one minute, then perfect fluent English the next.
40. What a pathetic death for the King.
41. She said run, so run dammit.
42. Dude, he’s not gonna want to do anything after that because all the sand in his clothes and shit.
43. He’s not even sandy at all. He’ be sweaty after that went down and sand should be sticking to him. His hair is perfectly untouched as well.
44. Wow wtf kind of kiss is that.
45. Stab him now go- no speeches or last words. Oh way to go, talking gets yourself stabbed.
46. Slow mo jump over white wall.
47. She’s walking over rose petals that are getting all caught in her robe.
48. I’d just ask him straight up if anything happened between the two of them.
49. Don’t end the movie with reading.
50. So technically that would have been a really short movie without all that filler.
Roll credits. Is that Alanis Morisette that I hear? She still makes music? Really? FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street’ (2010) Sucked
- Opened April 30, 2010 | Runtime:1 hr. 35 min.
- A group of suburban teenagers share one common bond: they are all being stalked by Freddy Krueger, a horribly disfigured killer who hunts them in their dreams. As long as they stay awake, they can protect one another, but when they sleep, there is no escape.
- Cast: Jackie Earle Haley, Kyle Gallner, Rooney Mara, Katie Cassidy, Thomas Dekker
- Director: Samuel Bayer
- Genres: Slasher FilmHorror
Enough with the remakes. I can’t believe how people eat this shit up.
50 Reasons Why ‘A Nightmare on Elm Street’ Sucked
1. This is real service here, what do you expect in the middle of the night dude?
2. You couldn’t hear the gardening shears coming at you?
3. He’s good at pulling out exact change.
4. At the school? Are they supposed to be in High School? Maybe they were all held back a few years…
5. Blondie’s got such a nice room compared to the other girl’s.
6. The fuck does she sleep in? Just in case she wants to go jogging?
7. That fucking sleeve. Just take it all the way off.
8. The box said 1995, and she was 5 apparently back then, and it’s 2010, she’s supposedly still in high school. Yeah, I’m confused.
9. The girl with the crappy room is the only one with a job too, so stereotypical.
10. No one’s looking at her after she freaked out. That was the most short lived scream ever. And no one saw the hair either.
11. How is he saying it’s not possible when she just said the same thing?
12. Wtf back-lit woods is this shit? No one’s backyard looks like this.
13. “I was just petting him.” Wow.
14. I personally would have checked on the dog if I had a dream like that.
15. That’s an awesome wind tunnel to have in your room.
16. Yeah, put your hands all over her and now run. That’s not incriminating at all.
17. “I loved her”. Totally obsessive and killerish, dude.
18. They act like they’ve never seen little kids before. It’s just a little girl dude.
19. This guy looks a lot fatter since ‘A Haunting in Connecticut’. Well, maybe because he doesn’t have cancer anymore.
20. Wow. Electrifying, huh.
21. “Oh God.” “No, just me.” …. Rorschach.
22. His claws on his back sounded like metal against metal.
23. The kid who drew “the ring” in the movie ‘The Ring’ did a better job than this chick drawing Freddy.
24. “Mom, did we burn someone?”
25. I wouldn’t be taking a hot bath. That’ll probably make me fall asleep.
26. I’ve never had a hand come out of my vagina like that.
27. That little snow on the ground doesn’t make that much noise.
28. Tell us mom, tell us what happened. *Flashback*
29. Quentin is being a fuck.
30. She had to draw X’s over the faces, not a nice line through the name but an actual death X.
31. He fell asleep while swimming.
32. Of course it’s a woman that objects to killing someone.
33. WTF kind of gasoline is that?!
34. Live feed? How’d that stay posted?
35. Wtf, was that a hemi in that Jeep?
36. Another shot of Cherokee driving.
37. Seriously your heart would explode. They don’t even give you that much when you really need it.
38. He didn’t even try the reverse option? Just get out of the car and walk?
39. “He brought us here for a reason.” He didn’t bring you here at all.
40. Why do they look at everything so slowly. You’re on a mission, skim over everything quickly.
41. Why put that on her, she doesn’t even believe in whatever that is.
42. You think after all she’s been through, falling asleep would be so easy now.
43. Freddy looks like a salamander. Yeah sure, he’s more realistic on the burn victim look, but I like the older version more. He was more aesthetically pleasing in the scary department.
44. Pat on the door because that does shit.
45. Dude, Quentin wtf, you were supposed to be expecting him.
46. Woah, that adrenaline, that sure does get you going.
47. Slashed and stabbed in the chest.
48. Do people just soak rooms in gasoline nowadays?
49. I sooo would have brought that hand with me for proof.
50. That was horrible cgi btw. Poor mom.
More back story, but it just doesn’t cut it. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Trick ‘R Treat’ Sucked
- Opened October 5, 2007
- It is said that Halloween is the night when the dead rise to walk among us and other unspeakable things roam free. The rituals of All Hallows Eve were devised to protect us from their evil mischief, and one small town is about to be taught a terrifying lesson that some traditions are best not forgotten. Nothing is what it seems when a suburban couple learns the dangers of blowing out a Jack-o-Lantern before midnight; four women cross paths with a costumed stalker at a local festival; a group of pranksters goes too far and discovers the horrifying truth buried in a local legend; and a cantankerous old hermit is visited by a strange trick-or-treater with a few bones to pick. Costumes and candy, ghouls and goblins, monsters and mayhem…the tricks and treats of Halloween turn deadly as strange creatures of every variety—human and otherwise—try to survive the scariest night of the year.
- Cast: Brian Cox, Anna Paquin, Dylan Baker, Leslie Bibb, Tahmoh Penikett
- Director: Michael Dougherty
- Genres: Psychological ThrillerEnsemble FilmHorror
Someone on Fandango said this was ‘jizzed in my pants fantastic’. So fucking stupid.
I think Mr. Potatohead should be a killer. He’d be one sadistic mofo, carrying all of his weapons in his ass.
50 Reasons Why ‘Trick ‘R Treat’ Sucked
1. Never go to a stranger’s house? How many people really do that? I think I only knew like 3 people on my block but still went to every single house, plus other neighborhoods.
2. Aren’t they a little old to be dressed up?
3. Who takes Halloween decorations down the night of?
4. What is he supposed to be anyways?
5. Take the sheets off and it’s a jesus cross. Perfect for Easter.
6. Wait now I’m confused. She just told him to go masturbate.
7. Gross, wouldn’t want that candy bag.
8. “One night to be the scariest thing.” Or a whore.
9. Little late to be getting a costume…
10. “Was wondering what time you get off?” Must be the ears.
11. None of the other girls paid for their costumes.
12. Bad Santa kid! Is he gonna make me some sammiches?
13. I like the diversity in this group: white girl, Asian, and a black chick.
14. This guy sooooo has a big pit in his basement.
15. How did that make a knife noise when it came out of a soft pumpkin?
16. I’d so be throwing up on him.
17. Now it looks like this guy’s getting a blow job from the kid.
18. Wtf is in that little kid’s bag, a cat?
19. Dude, why did he kill this kid?
20. WHY would you give a finger to a dog?? Incrimintaing.
21. What the fuck is this guy’s deal?
22. Don’t mind the perfect 4×8 hole in the ground.
23. There’s another hole out back for you, you little fuck, for scaring me.
24. Why’d he have to hide the knife? The kid thinks he’s carving a pumpkin.
25. I don’t think he should be a principal.
26. I’ve never seen Halloween like this. Seems like the town to go to kill people and have crazy orgies.
27. Typical nerdy girl- nasty with glasses.
28. What kind of kids were these, wearing cuffs? Halfway house kids? Kids in Juvy don’t even wear handcuffs.
29. I wouldn’t make the girl be the ass.
30. Holy Jesus, that woman’s huge.
31. It’s just her braces picking up radio signals.
32. These masks are still floating there? And you can’t see down to the bottom during the day?
33. Hearing things? That hood would be down instantly if it were me. Fuck the costume.
34. So is this guy a real vampire or what.
35. OMG another twist.
36. I was wondering why there were only chicks at this party.
37. Are they all lesbos? No, another twist. Vampires.
38. Are they shedding, wait they’re also werewolves? They stripped their skin off which was weird and scandalous.
39. Killer in beginning that we didn’t see, principal, random woman, tard kids that are also cannibals, werewolves, and a mystery sock puppet. Man, he has some frequent flyer miles because he’s getting all over this town.
40. I’d hate to do a census here, nothing would ever be accurate.
41. Corey Taylor when he’s older, throwin’ pictures in the fire. “Dead Memories”.
42. Listen to that remote control. Now that’s old school.
43. Pump action noise when it’s a double barrel.
44. He’s wheezing, sounds like his internet trying to dial up? A fax, maybe, coming in…
45. On the ceiling, oh shit, drop him like a bad habit!
46. You can make pumpkin pie with that brain.
47. Where did this mythical being come from? He’s humpty dumpty puttin’ himself back together again.
48. Dude, he had an achilles tendon cut. How’s he walking out to give out candy?
49. First time a gun was decently deployed in a movie but still…
50. So confused at a couple parts in the story and there were a lot of wasted elements in that film as well.
Jesus fuck. I haven’t had to sit down and recap in a really long time. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 