Monthly Archives: May 2011
50 Reasons Why ‘Teeth’ Sucked
26/Apr/2011
Current Thoughts: Because abstinence clubs never work out correctly.
Teeth
- Opened January 18, 2008 | Runtime:1 hr. 28 min.
- Dawn (Jess Weixler) is an active member of her high-school chastity club but, when she meets Tobey (Hale Appleman), nature takes its course, and the pair answer the call. They suddenly learn she is a living example of the vagina dentata myth, when the encounter takes a grisly turn.
- Cast: Jess Weixler, John Hensley, Josh Pais, Hale Appleman, Ashley Springer
- Director: Mitchell Lichtenstein
- Genres: Horror ComedySex HorrorHorror
I know the main character is supposed to be the hero, but she’s more of a massive cunt in my mind. And this movie has no idea what it wants to be, genre-wise. How it won praise from so many critics, I have no idea. The acting is terrible and you can REALLY tell it’s a low budget film.
50 Reasons Why ‘Teeth’ Sucked
1. You know this movie is grade A when they have unmarked beer bottles.
2. Hold up, that little girl had brown eyes, what’s up with this blue-eyed chick?
3. A gift is technically a handout.
4. Omg, these close ups of Toby and Dawn are really freaking me out.
5. I don’t think steam would make the cooling towers all black.
6. I like how they just spray painted the dad’s hair grey.
7. Brad is one awesome cat with his Chinese tattoos and retarded piercings.
8. Heavy making out? I know that’s supposed to be funny, but just because they are purists, doesn’t mean they can’t watch that. Are they even allowed to share popcorn?
9. Oh Jesus, now that’s a little bit of an issue, that’s not steam anymore.
10. Why is it that movies have to make Jeeps always look so gay?
11. So they went down there to just look at a cave from across the way? Why would you even go to that spot if you know all the kids at school go there to do it?
12. Wearing wedges and a camo mini skirt. Because purists can be skanky too.
13. God, these characters are so one dimensional.
14. Where’d Brad put his cigarette? It was in his other hand, now possibly burning the bed.
15. I wouldn’t let him touch me with a dog treat for even a second; this girl deserves to be treated like a retard.
16. Is she like, fighting herself to pull the sheets down? If I do it slowly, it won’t be as bad.
17. They just started swimming, why are they giggling and laughing? What are we, like 8?
18. “This doesn’t feel wrong at all.” Smooth cat, I bet he goes around to all the different abstinence clubs and does this.
19. Ew- so gross. The sleeping bag, most likely filled with spiders and a ton of different kinds of spooge.
20. “I haven’t jerked off since Easter!” Ah ha.. ha. Ha. No, not really.
21. He yelled as he jumped into the water like it was a 20ft drop.
22. Well you can take off the ring now.
23. This is so cheesy, I’m surprised we haven’t seen one of those wind up chattering teeth things.
24. She’s walking like she just had sex for the first time. That’s the only good acting I’ve seen so far.
25. Dawn’s in the bathroom and her ring can’t decide which hand it wants to be on.
26. I’m still wondering how this girl got past puberty without figuring this out.
27. I’m also wondering why the fuck there are so many LITTLE kids at this abstinence meeting. They shouldn’t even know what that shit is yet!
28. He has a business card…
29. K, so the camera shot with the crab on the dismembered penis. WHY THE FUCK is the penis all slimy????
30. Woah Jesus, her middle finger nail as she drops the ring, like a crack nail.
31. Don’t they have internet? She still would have to have done research to know how to get the sticker off that page. I mean, she’s fucking retarded with everything else.
32. “WebSearch” WOW. Why didn’t she just do this in the beginning?
33. If she typed the word vagina- the only thing that would show up is porn. At least one link but I don’t see any. Lies. Hope she clears her history.
34. This clinic actually looks very nice compared to the outside.
35. Now that I think about it, wouldn’t the doctors have noticed Dawn’s “issue” when the mother was pregnant? All the tests they do to ensure the baby is healthy…
36. I think a ton of nurses would have ran in here after hearing the doctor scream bloody murder.
37. “Toby?” *Jeep drives by* No, just Vin Diesel cruisin’ in the Jeep.
38. God, this kid has a plethora of candles!
39. Why was the mother’s role even in this movie? So pointless.
40. His black eye is gone while he is on top of her. Ok, now it’s back.
41. I like how he really had to focus and squeeze to get the blood to squirt.
42. Terrible acting/fighting/dog attack/ girl screaming. She actually looks as if she’s trying to hold back a laugh.
43. So dad decides to randomly kick Brad out. Because he didn’t take care of his step mom? This isn’t really explained. Not that I care, just kind of random and dumb to be in the movie.
44. Dawn looked better without the clown makeup and peasant dress.
45. That look she’s giving the camera as Brad is on top of her. Ugh, please move on.
46. How does she not have any blood on that dress?
47. If your tire’s flat, then it’s flat. I know you’re trying to re-bead it, but it’s hopeless.
48. What are those, two moons?
49. She seriously needs to be in jail- or those guys need to sue her. Yeah sure, what they did was wrong, but that totally does not justify her chopping their dicks off.
50. What a great song to end this with.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 