Monthly Archives: November 2010
50 Reasons Why ‘The Expendables’ Sucked
- Opened August 13, 2010 | Runtime:1 hr. 43 min.
- Sylvester Stallone gears up for a men-on-a-mission film with the Nu Image/Millennium Films war picture The Expendables. Jason Statham and Jet Li co-star alongside the brawny filmmaker as a group of mercenaries who undertake a near-impossible operation to overthrow a dictator in South America. Mickey Rourke, Eric Roberts, Terry Crews, and UFC star Randy Couture co-star in the action-packed production.
- Cast: Sylvester Stallone, Jason Statham, Mickey Rourke, Terry Crews, Jet Li, Dolph Lundgren, Randy Couture
- Director: Sylvester Stallone
- Genres: Action ThrillerWar AdventureAction
See the bottom of this page for shits n’ giggles.
50 Reasons Why ‘The Expendables’ Sucked
1. The names are ok to read in the beginning credits but the ‘with’, ‘also’, ‘music by’, etc. are all too tiny for that font/coloring. Even for my TV.
2. I’m still waiting to find that red laser beam like that.
3. Lasers aimed at his hand- that’s not a kill shot.
4. Grenade didn’t blow up everything in the room, only one person.
5. “The only thing faster is light.” Typical man-ego.
6. Enhanced blue eyes for no reason.
7. “You appreciate a good blade.” Doesn’t look like a good one when it’s THAT FUCKING BIG.
8. Oh btw, he shot the revolver so fast that the cylinder was still spinning- which can’t happen.
9. Does Rourke have hair plugs or fake white streaks?
10. Couldn’t better fake a fake tattoo? He finished that in about 10 seconds.
11. Schwarzenegger- that was it? Really? Why even bother?
12. “Loves running through the jungle.” Just HAD to throw in a Rambo reference, huh?
13. When he slammed his truck door, it didn’t even close.
14. They fly all over the world in this pathetic plane?
15. Why are his shoulders sweaty, not his chest or anything…
16. They aren’t in Portugal, so why are there Portuguese signs everywhere? Shouldn’t they be Spanish?
17. “Stop! Stop!” Neither of them were even moving.
18. When Stallone first shot someone, you’d think the rest of the bad guys would start to shoot Stallone…
19. Stallone’s goatee keeps changing from black to grey to black. Pick one.
20. Stallone runs like an ape.
21. Fist pump each other.
22. At least one of them is riding a crotch rocket. Is that supposed to be a Ducati?
23. Because this fight at the basketball court has revelance to the main story…
24. “Now you know what I do for a living.” Uh, not really??
25. Uh, Statham, let the clutch out.
26. “So you got her paints too.” What, is there no painting in that country?
27. Rourke’s story of Bolivia- fucking drawn out & plus he’s a horrible story teller.
28. They just have a bunch of Foldger’s coffee cans laying around filled with water for waterboarding?
29. ENOUGH with the inuendos & jokes about Jet Li being short/small.
30. “Come closer.” WHY would he do that?
31. Why would he slash his own picture?
32. Hold up, I don’t understand how The Expendables got back to this place without alerting everyone with that god awful plane of theirs.
33. It’s like every 5ft they’re placing a bomb. Is that so necessary?
34. CGI blood & choppage. There’s no effort anymore because they’re too busy with explosions that they didn’t have any money left over for actual makeup effects.
35. About fucking time someone used a gun.
36. Stone Cold can only do wrestling moves.
37. Just rewound & counted 77 rounds go through the 22 round A12.
38. Why don’t they have earplugs & shit like normal people? After all this they would be deaf.
39. Little belly flop Stallone did in front of vehicle.
40. Magazine changes that Stallone did. Yeah right. He’d be a God in real life.
41. Put down a door to get through fire: A) it’s not that wide of a fire & B) you could walk nonchalantly through it & still not be torched.
42. Stone Cold- were you doused and marinated in gasoline????
43. Crews- still going with that A12 & doesn’t have any major ammo on him. He’s magical.
44. Helicopter explosion and every explosion afterwards: Are Michael Bay & Stallone best buds, or what?
45. And they brought Gunner back…
46. Chit chatting at the end of the movie. Pointless. Just as the rest of this movie.
FAIL.
A Fucking Expendable action figure. Wow.
50 Reasons Why ‘Jurassic Park III’ Sucked
- Opened July 16, 2001 | Runtime:1 hr. 32 min.
- A paleontologist (Sam Neill) and a couple (William H. Macy, Tea Leoni) outrun cloned dinosaurs after their plane crashes on an island.
- Cast: Sam Neill, William H. Macy, Téa Leoni, Alessandro Nivola, Trevor Morgan
- Director: Joe Johnston
- Genres: Sci-Fi ActionPrehistoric FantasyScience FictionThriller
I learned today that Velociraptors apparently had feathers. JP couldn’t learn about the shit they’re making a movie about?
50 Reasons Why ‘Jurassic Park III’ Sucked
1. Random Fog
2. “Make it stop!” Yeah kid because I can command the boat to HALT.
3. So smash into the rock already, it keeps disappearing in between shots.
4. “I don’t think I’m doing this right.” How hard can it be, you’re an archeologist.
5. Ok Ok, I can believe dinosaurs coming back to life, but making a voice thingy for the raptors?
6. “Dinner with us- our treat.” In a bar- what a treat.
7. Alan’s constantly setting his glass down. He must be very fidgety.
8. Still dishin’ out money to research in Montana. They’re set for life.
9. “How do you know the Kirby’s?” “Through our church.” Uh, yeah because you look like a church go-er. Worst lie.
10. Dude, you can totally see the filming helicopter in the clouds.
11. 2 people dead in the first 24 minutes.
12. “Nobody move a muscle.” No one listens- why even hire Alan?
13. “Either way you probably won’t get off this island alive.” Dramatic music. Close zoom in. Cheesy.
14. Baiocus Sypticus. I swear they’re just making up dinosaur names now.
15. That video camera totally does not take those batteries. I used to have one of those.
16. “They shot this the morning they disappeared.” I couldn’t figure that out myself, thanks.
17. Dude screaming, getting yourself all caught up in the body.
18. “It’s not Ben.” So the second you see him dead, you’re already over him?
19. More yelling and loud talking.
20. Fog in hatching room.
21. Flash against that glass & shitty water. Obviously he’s not a photographer.
22. 1st couple of movies, very plain colors. This movie, however, the dinosaurs have all sorts of crazy patterns.
23. Last two movies were all about the raptors, can we please move on.
24. Keep falling as they look behind them. How about focus on where you’re heading.
25. 2nd time that raptor’s turned its head, same angle.
26. Not gonna close that door kid?
27. Kid looks pretty damn good for being stuck out here for all these weeks. His hair’s all perfect and everything.
28. Dude, Alan, I’m pretty sure you got everything out of that can.
29. Last of the gas grenades? Well, you didn’t have to use that many in the first place.
30. “Preachy, all about chaos.” Yeah, yeah, Malcolm. Don’t care anymore. In fact, that was already annoying in the first movie.
31. That a hickey on his neck?
32. Dino just tore through steel gate with spikes.
33. Slow-mo going down steps.
34. Gay look for each other, especially Billy.
35. Love chat between mom & son. Seriously, you guys need to focus.
36. Alan sees something, touches anything around him, looks, and then OMG *insert observation* Never fails.
37. How is Eric so sopping wet but everyone else looks like they’ve had quite awhile to dry off?
38. Light on faces don’t match pan of Brontosauruses.
39. Really, they are going through shit and they aren’t even gagging or puking. I can’t even snake my bathtub or clean up cat puke without gagging.
40. Yeah, because locking yourself in a cage on a boat was such a good idea and audiences are dumb enough to be engrossed in this. You can already see what’s going to happen.
41. Fire, lightning, rain, dinosaur, dangling man, screaming, roaring, how much more can we add to this scene?
42. You can totally see the wires attached to him as he dangles from that crane.
43. Yeah, retarded voice usy-thingy.
44. One man with a megaphone.
45. Navy & Marines. Jesus.
46. How did she know they were on this particular island?
47. And how the fuck did they find Billy????
48. Great. Just great. Pterodactyls migrating.
49. Everyone’s got some sort of hickey on their necks.
50. No one ever find out what sea dino got the boat?
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Jurassic Park: The Lost World’ Sucked
- Opened May 19, 1997
- Mercenaries and scientists (Jeff Goldblum, Julianne Moore) pursue genetically engineered dinosaurs inhabiting a Costa Rican island.
- Cast: Richard Attenborough, Vince Vaughn, Jeff Goldblum, Julianne Moore, Pete Postlethwaite
- Director: Steven Spielberg
- Genres: Sci-Fi ActionPrehistoric FantasyScience Fiction
50 Reasons Why ‘Jurassic Park II: Lost World’ Sucked
1. Uh hello? 30 seconds of black screen.
2. Not even windy around him at all but the waves are roaring right next to him.
3. One, maybe two, screams and I’d be running to find out what the problem is.
4. “He called me.” *hand shaped like a phone* What, are they deaf now?
5. This seems like pretty much the same mistakes but with variation, not brand new mistakes.
6. Did Malcolm get contacts within 4 years or did he just realize those glasses in the first movie were super gay?
7. Counting to 4 on his fingers. Wow John.
8. People are just letting this little girl fuck around on the equipment.
9. Cinco Muertes- Well why are you surprised- it even said that on the map in the van.
10. Sarah couldn’t say hi back?
11. “Stay there.” Acting like Miss Know It All.
12. The comments that come out of Malcolm’s mouth- still not quirky or funny.
13. Julianne Moore talks wayyyy too much.
14. Bringing another kid into this adventure. Already did that in the first movie. Try a new tactic.
15. Him talking over Julianne, more talking. Fucking obnoxious. And plus they are STILL having a convo about her leaving in the first place. MOVE ON TO NEXT PART OF THE MOVIE.
16. Hummer jump- really?
17. Why would you even risk riding your bike underneath it like that?
18. T-Rex track with varied amounts of water in it every time they switch it back to that angle.
19. Still no such thing as a triceratops.
20. Why would the vehicle blow up that much?
21. And of course, it had to land in the exact tree they were in.
22. “We’re not alone on this island.” I would have just thought it was someone in our group with ulterior motives.
23. Light on their face up in the high hide.
24. Is that a fucking cliff that the car went off of? Why would you park next to a cliff?
25. “They came for their infant.” No shit, you just realized that? Who wrote this script?
26. Malcolm can climb all the way to get to Sarah but Vince Vaughn makes it looks so hard to get the satellite phone.
27. Climbing and putting his hands all over “glass” as if it were nothing.
28. Most dramatic slow rope pulling van sliding mud everywhere ever. This takes up about ¼ of the movie.
29. Hear footsteps, all sorts of moonlight on vehicle & T-Rexs.
30. Van explosion/car explosion/tire flies- CARS DON’T EXPLODE LIKE THAT IN REAL LIFE.
31. “Alright, alright- here’s the communication center.” Like you were really going to hide that all to yourself.
32. Julianne’s blood on plant & shirt. Very thick and jelly.
33. Because the Mexican with headphones on was soooo far away from everyone else. Someone HAD to have heard the Russian.
34. Russian carried a gun but nothing else? People always carry at least a blade.
35. Looking at map- All that backlight, Jesus, especially in a dense forest.
36. Always a puddle nearby when you start to hear dinosaur footsteps.
37. Is the T-Rex like hopping or taking one step then pausing for 5-10 seconds before proceeding? This is taking so long.
38. How, in the state they’re in, did it take everyone that long to wake up?
39. They already ran past that waterfall once.
40. Nice slick dirt slide to fall down.
41. They really filled that communications center with fog.
42. Run around the vehicle back in the direction of the raptor. We’re shocked that it’s right in front of him?
43. Yeah, there were multiple raptors… why’d you jump to the ground to chit chat?
44. Noises from the raptor on the roof- he’s gargling & making dog growls.
45. Wow, that was a pretty nifty quick cage for the T-Rex.
46. Just standing & watching but not moving until the last typical second.
47. Always just the hand of a dead body shown. ALWAYS.
48. T-Rex isn’t shaking the dock even though his weight definitely would make it rock.
49. WHY IS THIS MOVIE STILL GOING and also, the news wouldn’t have been all over this from the first T-Rex roar??? Where are the news choppers?
50. Someone explain the dead bodies all over the ship??
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Jurassic Park’ Sucked
- Opened June 9, 1993
- An entrepreneur invites scientists (Sam Neill, Laura Dern), a mathematics theorist (Jeff Goldblum) and others to his jungle theme-park featuring dinosaurs regenerated from DNA.
- Cast: Sam Neill, Laura Dern, Jeff Goldblum, Richard Attenborough, Bob Peck
- Director: Steven Spielberg
- Genres: Sci-Fi ActionPrehistoric FantasyScience Fiction
BECAUSE I CAN:
50 Reasons Why ‘Jurassic Park’ Sucked
1. All these loud THUD noises and then a Bobcat rolls through. Completely misleading.
2. You think you’d have wheel shocks so that cage would stay put.
3. “Shoot her!” Like we had to wait this long to get to that decision.
4. Why did dinosaurs have to die with their necks all jacked up, making their heads meet their tails?
5. We all have to wear plaid & straight denim, btw, official archeologist uniform.
6. No one heard that helicopter coming? It took them that long to cover the dig site up?
7. How much does it fucking cost to dig up a dinosaur…
8. I don’t know why they had to make Malcolm so “hip”, douchy, & retarded in this movie.
9. The chopper is flying forward, John says, “There it is.” As he’s looking out the side of the chopper. How can he see that?
10. And in a helicopter, you probably couldn’t have the conversation they are having like they are without earmuff mics.
11. “We shouldn’t be here.” Why?
12. You wouldn’t feel that giant ass dinosaur walking?
13. “Welcome to Jurassic Park.” Who are you talking to, they are behind you.
14. It took them that long to look over there at the herds.
15. Dude- kneeling on ground- grass stains on your all white outfit.
16. Why does he need a mask to virtually look at DNA?
17. Everyone’s in clean suits except for these guys that just barge on in here & touch things.
18. “Life will find a way.” Over dramatic. All of his lines.
19. No blood on the cow hanger.
20. Tours available to everyone? Let’s all pay to go to Costa Rica & get a private helicopter over to this tour.
21. “What do they got in here, King Kong?” Um, no. Big dinosaurs that you already saw.
22. “Spared no expense.” 4th time said.
23. Why even have steering wheels in the cars at that point.
24. This would really slow down the tours behind them if this is what you have to do to get the T-Rex to come out.
25. Why are you tugging on my hair?
26. Tour stops, so why don’t they just walk back to the car, get back on that track the car was following and walk back to the beginning. You only saw two dinosaur exhibits so how far away could it really be?
27. Think they should smooth out the road a little bit better.
28. “Why would he turn the fences off?” So they already know he did that on purpose?
29. “Where’d you find them, are they heavy, put them back.” Fuck you, my grandpa’s the owner.
30. I like how you’re never supposed to leave the vehicle & yet there’s a restroom right there.
31. With all the light around them, why would she even bother getting a flashlight?
32. What is this cliff? Think back to the goat on eye level ground & then the T-Rex just walking out of his exhibit, not jumping over any cliffs. So wtf.
33. He hasn’t even tried 4 wheel drive yet and he’s already whipping out a wench.
34. The little *zzing!* they put into him falling while trying the wench. Or was that the raptor?
35. Oh yeah, btw, I learned how to open the door and get into the Jeep.
36. “Tim, Timmy, I’m coming up.” Obviously, I can hear you.
37. You wouldn’t go AROUND the tree on the other side & then down? Not down in the path of a falling vehicle.
38. I’d like to reenact this car falling on Mythbusters. I think it’d just hit a branch & then just topple out & over.
39. Really, it took her that long to figure out what happened to the other car.
40. Aw yes, I’ve carried this raptor claw this whole time & it has not bothered me.
41. Random shirt off, porno pose Malcolm.
42. Why the fuck are the breakers on the other side of the park away from the control room?
43. He didn’t have his gun all ready to go.
44. Highly doubt 2 kids could contain a raptor if 2 adults can barely do it.
45. Little Timmy has gotten so much shit to topple over him in this movie.
46. Happy Jurassic Park music when raptor gets eaten by a T-Rex. So unfitting.
47. How the fuck did T-Rex even get into the visitor’s center in the first place?
48. Very quiet helicopter ride home.
49. Yes, show picture of birds because he’s all about bird dinosaurs and we need to remember that.
50. Glass glare while helicopter goes off into the sunset.
FAIL.
List of Sequels & Trilogies
As of 14/Dec/2011
If you would like to see a certain sequel or trilogy, feel free to let us know. We will NOT do Star Wars though, sorry. We are actual fans of Star Wars.
Jaws Trilogy:
The Lord of the Rings:
The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
Twilight:
Jurassic Park:
Jurassic Park: The Lost World (1997)
Transformers:
Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen (2009)
Transformers: Dark Side of the Moon (2011)
Other Sequels:
Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day (2009)
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 