Monthly Archives: February 2012
50 Reasons Why ‘The Human Centipede 2’ Sucked
20/Feb/2012
Current Thoughts: I actually prefer the first one…
- Opened October 7, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr. 30 min.
- A depraved mama’s boy (Laurence R. Harvey) goes on a killing and collecting spree to recreate the experiment portrayed in “The Human Centipede (First Sequence).”
- Cast: Laurence R. Harvey, Ashlynn Yennie
- Director: Tom Six
- Genres: Horror, Sadistic Horror
50 Reasons Why ‘The Human Centipede 2 [FULL SEQUENCE]’ Sucked
1. Yes, we remember the first one. We do not need to watch this much of it to remind us of the ending.
2. Looks like he pirated this dvd.
3. What is the point of the black & white? Couldn’t get the fake blood or shit to look real enough?
4. So this was all caught on camera & his boss never reviews the tapes.
5. Why doesn’t he just click back to the beginning?
6. I really don’t think this guy can do it. Not with his weight & the wheezing going on.
7. How are these two alive? Their skulls have to be cracked. I’d give them an hour, max.
Someone made a lovely scarf!
8. Dude, 3 people didn’t work in the first one, what makes him think TWELVE would work?
9. I guess it’s a pretty cool journal & all, but he doesn’t need to look at it every five minutes.
10. Centipedes aren’t that loud. No need to over-exaggerate.
11. It’s like Tom Green with the boa.
12. Jesus Christ, I don’t know how that thing lives in the wild.
13. Is it 110 in there, Martin?
14. I’m surprised he even talks to you at all, mother.
15. All I know is that this beard is epic. The beard is talking, not the man. Why did he even show up if he’s only going to be there for 2 minutes?
16. Because banging a broom will make him stop. I’m surprised the guy even noticed.
17. Black rain, black piss.
18. I don’t think you need to draw all this out. You seem to know it really well.
19. Damn, Martin is an awesome shot!
20. God, this is the most perfect, desolate parking garage ever.
21. Her legs don’t work when you hit her in the head. Yeah, you might not run very straight, but at least give it a try?
22. Yeah, see, that is a hard hit. She’d be dead.
23. Everyone looks pretty helpless. Me, I’d be rolling around, fuckin’ trying to get the duct tape off.
24. “He’s gonna stitch us ass to mouth! Help!” Let me just lay here some more.
25. How would his mother NOT know he’s not in bed?! Look at him; he’s HUGE on that bed!
26. Does he have like, 18 crowbars just lying around everywhere? He’s like, a MASTER at “knocking people out”.
27. The hooker managed to get out & run away, but the doctor is in the car still, doors closed.
28. That was delayed. Bullet must’ve spun around a little bit in there, and then decided to exit his cranium.
29. He eyes keep twitching as he cuts her clothes.
30. These people, killing me. They had HOURS to do something, ANYTHING, yet they are still laying there in the same positions he left them in.
31. Rippin’ teeth out. Turn him over, he’s going to choke on all that blood.
32. Wouldn’t really think you’d hear all those sharpie marks being drawn on there like that.
33. She’s not kicking him with the other leg???
34. Those staples would just come right out. It’s just skin. These people are fucking pathetic.
35. You’ve got a lot more than just tears to clean off, Martin.
36. That can’t possibly be the same girl from the first movie. She couldn’t be either of the first girls; both of them had boobs.
Ooh, bunnies!
37. That’s her tongue. It wouldn’t have ripped out like that & I’m pretty sure she can still scream.
38. Dude, it says “Oral”, not “Inject with syringe”.
39. CGI Squirting on the camera in the only color besides black & white. What, is the director 12? I’m surprised no one is puking right away.
40. A fly’s buzzing noise. Because that is appropriate.
41. You just gave them a ton of laxatives. Pretty sure they would still be shitting their brains out. You don’t just shit once & everything’s all good.
42. He’s not even near her; his dick would have to be huge.
43. None of them are using their free hands to rip off the duct tape & rip out the staples.
44. Why, in everyone movie that involves someone trying to get free, do the cars NEVER want to start?
45. Baby comes out, she smashes it.
46. Girl gets to the light, and then all of a sudden she’s able to get to the centipede & chuck it at him.
47. The gun would NOT have clicked.
48. She chucks the funnel, yet in the background the hose is still attached.
49. He doesn’t die from blood loss from his penis or from the centipede internally fucking him up.
50. He could never fill the shoes of a German scientist.
FAIL.
Reasons Why ‘Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn: Part 1’ Sucked
14/Feb/2012
Current Thoughts: Pain in the balls long ass title
- Opened November 18, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr. 57 min.
- Information for parents: Common Sense Media says OK for kids 14+. Read More
- Please be advised that short sections of “The Twilight Saga: Breaking Dawn – Part 1” contain flashing light sequences that may cause seizures in people who are susceptible to photosensitive epilepsy.
At last, Bella (Kristen Stewart) and Edward (Robert Pattinson) are getting married. When Jacob (Taylor Lautner) finds out that Bella wants to spend her honeymoon as a human, he is horrified — for Edward’s passion could accidentally kill her. Bella does indeed survive her honeymoon, but a new complication arises when she discovers that she’s pregnant — and the child is growing at an alarming rate. The pregnancy sets the wolves against Bella and Edward, but Jacob vows to protect his friend. - Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Billy Burke, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser, Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed, Jackson Rathbone, Ashley Greene, Ty Olsson
- Director: Bill Condon
- Genres: Romance, Sci-Fi/Fantasy
50 Reasons Why ‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn: Part 1’ Sucked
1. He rips his shirt off, but not his pants. Where does he find new clothes? Do they put clothing geocaches randomly in the woods?
2. “Phil, it’s happening.” That beach looks so freakin’ fake.
3. Mom is totally ok that she’s only like, 18 & getting married.
4. The vampire’s eyes just get worse as each movie comes out.
5. This random dog painting in her bedroom just kills me LOL.
6. “Just checking for cold feet” Can’t he see the future?
7. “All the men I killed were monsters & so was I.” What are you bitching about? This conversation is completely pointless.
8. “Someone capable of courage & sacrifice.” *Blink* *Swallow* She must have the strongest neck muscles ever since this is all she does.
9. Quit fuckin’ around on my window sill, my dad’s going to hear & then find out that you guys are vampires.
10. I was never this freaked out on my wedding. It looks like she’s dreading this & is about to faint.
11. They just rushed into their vows, holy shit.
12. So awkward, why is this even still going on? If I were Jacob, I’d be done with this shit. This is worse than the friendzone.
13. Ride away in a Volvo.
14. Wolf howls. GAY.
15. If you don’t think about the birds with the chains, you don’t know anything about Rio.
16. In the taxi, they were going a lot faster than what they see outside of the window.
17. It’s as if they just flew in the plane for like, 20 minutes.
18. Awkward standoff around the bed.
19. For the amount of time that it took her to get ready, he would be so pruny.
20. Are they green screened into this water? It’s so real that it looks fake.
21. Is it really that difficult to be gentle?
22. Why would the feathers still be falling when she wakes up?
23. “I can’t tell you how sorry I am.” So I am going to just walk away.
24. “Don’t ruin this.” Ugh, shut up already.
25. Bella only talking with her top teeth.
26. What a waste of a goddamn beautiful place. Fucking no one would be playing chess.
27. Thanks for leaving me at the waterfall & in the jungle.
28. Puking- maybe because you just ate chicken, juice, & fucking peanut butter.
29. “Don’t come in here.” But I can see you through these little slots anyway.
30. Lighting in Bimmer on the way to the plane.
31. “She said she’s fine but she sounded … off.” Well yeah, she said she was SICK.
32. Jacob: “You did this!” Well yeah, it wasn’t a gang bang. I would HOPE it’s my fault.
33. “You get what you always wanted, to kill me.” Better write that on paper so no one from your clan will come after me.
34. I wonder how much clothing Jacob has to buy every month…
35. They could have so argued about this in human form. So gay.
36. Why is Seth Asian? And what Asian names their kid ‘Seth’? Even if he was Native American, his name still wouldn’t be ‘Seth’.
37. Yahoo? Did he reach the end of the internet? Try Google.
38. Oh my God Edward. “You decided this on your own.”
39. “Feels complete when you’re here, Jake.” Edward: “I’m sitting right here, WIFE.”
40. Good thing this Styrofoam cup is so conveniently here.
41. “Your pulse is already getting stronger.” “It’s working” You don’t say????
42. How is she “good & pure”? She doesn’t do shit, doesn’t do anything except messes with people’s minds.
43. Vampires can’t run but sure as shit can jump.
44. “EJ” It’s not like they both came inside you. But baby’s names? I thought Edward knew what it was.
45. I like how two people are standing right next to her & couldn’t catch her.
46. I just want to know how he extracts his venom.
47. Gayest part: Punching dogs & also Jacob jumping then morphing.
48. How long has she been laying out on this table, fumigating?
49. It’s like she just came online, her wifi just got uploaded. Everyone’s like, “hold on a sec, Bella’s been activated.”
50. We tallied up how many times Bella over acted throughout the movie:
Gulps & Hard breathing: 35
Random eye movements & Worried faces: 37
Lip bites & attempted smiles: 27
Jutting out the chin: 48
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why “Real Steel” Sucked
31/Jan/2012
Current Thoughts: The obvious Rock ’em…
- Opened October 7, 2011 | Runtime:2 hr. 7 min.
- Information for parents: Common Sense Media says OK for kids 12+. Read More
- A gritty, white-knuckle, action ride set in the near-future, where the sport of boxing has gone hi-tech, “Real Steel” stars Hugh Jackman as Charlie Kenton, a washed-up fighter who lost his chance at a title when 2000-pound, 8-foot-tall steel robots took over the ring. Now nothing but a small-time promoter, Charlie earns just enough money piecing together low-end bots from scrap metal to get from one underground boxing venue to the next. When Charlie hits rock bottom, he reluctantly teams up with his estranged son Max (Dakota Goyo) to build and train a championship contender. As the stakes in the brutal, no-holds-barred arena are raised, Charlie and Max, against all odds, get one last shot at a comeback.
- Cast: Hugh Jackman, Dakota Goyo, Anthony Mackie, Evangeline Lilly, Kevin Durand
- Director: Shawn Levy
- Genres: Action/Adventure, Drama
50 Reasons Why “Real Steel” Sucked
1. That was the gayest intro song ever for a movie that’s supposed to be badass.
2. No money for a photo with a “celebrity”- Have they never been to Hollywood or Vegas???
3. Jackman deserves that shit for not paying attention. No sympathy at all.
4. The robots are supposed to be heavy. I think the bull would even have some issues.
5. Tire tracks I’d understand, but trucks making crop squares?
6. Where is the kid? They didn’t hand him over when they signed the papers?
7. 2016? What year are we in?
8. Oh, so simple changing it to English. My droid isn’t even that easy.
9. Eminem is still doing ok, I guess, in whatever year this is.
10. If it is my first fight with this robot, I’d take a small guy, not the main event. Jackman’s character is so obnoxious.
11. “Spit his juice in Midas’ face.”
12. This music is so unlike the typical Danny Elfman.
13. “I don’t eat hamburgers.” Quit being a priss; your character is getting on my nerves as well.
14. Parenting 101.
15. I always like how in movies it randomly starts pouring when there wasn’t even a cloud in sight.
16. Wtf kid.
17. Again, digging on a Cliffside that is taking sediment away- the sediment that was holding that cliff together.
18. They didn’t have the speakers up when Jackman was hitting him, but they got bug noises. Weird.
19. Bailey’s tired of him now & I’ve been tired of him. How could she put up with him for so long?
20. The kid hasn’t gotten a shower yet.
21. What, does this robot have down syndrome?
22. Jackman doesn’t hear the kid power up the robot & leave.
23. How’d the kid get the robot to pick him up without crushing him?
24. Very clumsy robot for being a sparring robot, knocking over the fire hydrant.
25. I just keep my really old files & papers readily available.
26. My name is Hugh Jackman & I like to wear V-necks in all my movies.
27. “The Zoo” What, did this turn into a post-apocalyptic era?
28. The kid’s jumping off the ground & the robot’s not mimicking.
29. Why won’t Jackman just help box with the robot? He’s got nothing else better to do right now.
30. Not only do we have a montage, but it’s a montage with Eminem.
31. Why did everyone think it looked like good idea to have massive robots box around their vehicles? Of course you’re going to total some cars that way.
32. Twin Cities- doesn’t look fair- or efficient.
33. Jesus Christ, quit talking to your son- just fucking fight.
34. This little kid- calm down a little bit.
35. I’d be afraid they’d come & sabotage Atom now.
36. Sad, sappy music after getting ass kicked- even though it was deserved.
37. “We have a pool, hot tub, & toys!” Compared to a robot???
38. Touch chin, nose nuzzle x2, kiss. Retarded.
39. Bing is still around? I thought that shit already died out.
40. Why does she have this heavenly look on her face?
41. “This is what it’s all about!” No shit.
42. This is the longest round 1 ever.
43. Another montage. Oh wow, we’re just getting highlights now. This is a good thing though; it means they are rushing the movie towards the end.
44. Metal smashing metal. Steel smashing steel. You think he says that every time lol.
45. “There’s no other way.” Why WOULDN’T Charlie shadow with him?
46. “Hey kid.” I think Jackman could call him ‘Max’ by now, or son.
47. “Override, switching to manual.” Thanks for sharing that to no one.
48. Max & Bailey both having this ‘I love you’ revelation at the same time.
49. How’s the robot have both arms up holding Max, but not Jackman?
50. What the hell is this ending music? I wanna know at what point Danny Elfman did a single thing.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Straw Dogs’ Sucked
26/Jan/2012
Current Thoughts: She deserved it. That’s the general consensus.
- Opened September 16, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr. 50 min.
- Information for parents: Common Sense Media says not for kids. Read More
- L.A. screenwriter David Sumner relocates with his wife to her hometown in the deep South. There, while tensions build between them, a brewing conflict with locals becomes a threat to them both.
- Cast: James Marsden, Kate Bosworth, Alexander Skarsgård, James Woods, Dominic Purcell
- Director: Rod Lurie
- Genres: Psychological Thriller, Thriller
50 Reasons Why ‘Straw Dogs’ Sucked
1. That deer would have heard them from far away with their clanking beer bottles.
2. Could he be anymore cliché, being a screenwriter?
3. “Cash, you know, what poor people use?” Douche McGee.
4. I don’t think I’d wear khakis, at least to blend in.
5. Slams on brakes & the tires squeal on dirt.
6. Gets out of car, walks 5 feet & stops.
7. Out of all the classical songs, you choose the most typical.
8. Why do cats always come out of nowhere & attack you in movies?
9. Ugh. Feet on table. Put a fucking bra on.
10. Wtf kind of bed is this, that he plopped onto & the chess didn’t move at all? What, are they magnetized?
11. Fucking weird rubbing chess pieces. It’s like if I closed my wife’s eyes & rubbed the controller on her, or my sunglasses, & told her to guess. That’s just fucking stupid.
12. They’re already up on the roof working & she’s just now getting to the house.
13. Why doesn’t she just keep walking?
14. Explaining the title of the movie. It should just be called ‘TEASE’.
15. The amount of sweatiness she’s got going on changes a few times.
16. “I dress for you.” He doesn’t go jogging with you though.
17. Why am I even watching this movie? She’s starting all this shit. This is just meant to piss you off. Why would I want to feel pissed off?
18. He says he doesn’t like sports, but he’s wearing a lacrosse shirt.
19. Why is it taking them so long to do NOTHING to this roof?
20. “When in Rome.” Oh Christ, don’t say that. You’re supposed to be blending in.
21. “Not my thing.” Don’t even go then.
22. When is this dude & his dog get their pivotal moment in the movie? I’m bored of seeing him if nothing is going to happen right now.
23. “Awfully convenient. Your principles.” Smack a bitch.
24. Why would you want to keep that trap randomly open?
25. Charlie & his boys act like she’s the ONLY female left on the planet. Yeah sure, old girlfriend, whatever. But this is just stupid.
26. I can’t believe she runs barefoot.
27. Why’s it all foggy where he’s at but not by her?
28. There’s no house phone to call the cops?
29. He really has to take off his shirt to rape her?
30. Showing photos of her younger, cliché movie tactic of showing the taking of innocence.
31. He didn’t tell the cop what happened.
32. She doesn’t say anything about the rape. I know the writers want you to be stressed at this point, but any normal person would tell their HUSBAND.
33. Her eyes aren’t really that different in bed.
34. Why won’t she hold his hand?
35. There are so many other places to sit, yet you sit next to those fuckers who raped you.
36. Niles just pulled an “Of Mice & Men”.
37. Why would you take him all the way to the house? 40 miles away? That’s really not that far.
38. Charlie’s always wide-eyed.
39. Oh, so this isn’t like the preview. Kinda misleading now.
40. What’s all this awesome lighting?
41. “We’ve gone too far to turn back.” He turned off all the lights except the one above their heads.
42. My ass that car would catch on fire.
43. I’d already be on the next pot of water.
44. Coach should have 3rd degree burns with oil that heats that quickly.
45. Shotgun would have only clicked once.
46. Of course, Amy’s knocked out now, how convenient.
47. That should have broken his neck. That shit’s meant to shatter bear bones.
48. Epic ending music.
49. Sheriff didn’t call in, so there should have been other cops there sooner.
50. And the big ass fire would have also alerted someone nearby. Took everyone long enough to show up.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘The Mechanic’ Sucked
This was actually 50’d when it was first released on DVD, but we didn’t care for it so much that we have put it off for this long. It wasn’t even fun to do this one. And Google doesn’t even care to have good screenshots of it, so you only get a photo of the poster. But you asked for it, so enjoy:
- Opened January 28, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr. 40 min.
- Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 16+. Read More
- Arthur Bishop is a ‘mechanic’ – an elite assassin with a strict code and unique talent for cleanly eliminating targets. When his mentor and close friend Harry is murdered, Bishop is anything but detached. His next assignment is self-imposed – he wants those responsible dead. His mission grows complicated when Harry’s son Steve approaches him with the same vengeful goal and a determination to learn Bishop’s trade. A methodical hit man takes an impulsive student deep into his world and a deadly partnership is born. But while in pursuit of their ultimate mark, deceptions threaten to surface and those hired to fix problems become problems themselves.
- Cast: Jason Statham, Ben Foster, Tony Goldwyn, Donald Sutherland, Jeff Chase, Mini Anden
- Director: Simon West
- Genres: Action/Adventure, Suspense/Thriller
50 Reasons Why ‘The Mechanic’ Sucked
1. I think if you are a drug lord/mobster, a beard is required.
2. None of these cars have Columbian plates.
3. He doesn’t notice the thrashing going on in the pool? Statham have a re-breather on? Must have, there are no bubbles.
4. He changed his clothes a lot, just to get them all sopping wet & gross again.
5. Why would he need companionship? That’s like, the worst career to have with a companion around.
6. Does the big boss man NOT have eyebrows? It’s all I can focus on.
7. He’s not that cold-blooded of a killer, obviously, or this wouldn’t even be a movie.
8. That gun’s been loaded for 33 years? That’s some good fucking ammo. That’s a collector’s gun so I don’t know why it was even loaded in the first place.
9. It’s so weird to see Statham & a Chrysler. You would think an Audi, at least.
10. Cops allow shootings inside homes in New Orleans.
11. Statham, like a ghost, just disappears after saving the thug black guy.
12. Just randomly park your truck in the grass.
13. Statham explaining Steven’s life. And you think it’s still a good idea to train him???
14. Barrett shooting, firing a blank in slo-mo. HA.
15. And there goes the death of creativity in Hollywood.
16. Montage of training.
17. Jason’s scope is on backwards. How do you seriously fuck that one up?
18. Wtf? Does he want to get raped? You’re just learning this whole thing, take it slow.
19. Is everyone driving Chryslers in this?
20. “Chillaxin’ room”?
21. Now he’s got his fingerprints on everything. Plot is retarded, sure add more shit, but he should’ve learned something out of this whole thing.
22. I wear my sunglasses at night.
23. Boom mic visible.
24. “You’re short on cash with this one.” Why is Statham being such a fuckface with his employer?
25. Adrenaline isn’t reliable. I know because I was in ‘Crank’.
26. Aren’t Adrenaline & Epinephrine the same fucking thing?!
27. Staring into the 2 way mirror long enough?
28. Nut drops. Statham, seems like your partner of yours isn’t working out so well.
29. Repelling off of that building with no gloves.
30. I’ve lost all hope for any actual plot.
31. Good thing that window was there for them to bust into.
32. All five were killed. ALL FIVE WERE KILLED. Shows photo. OK WE GET IT.
33. That’s a really big coincidence that they meet at the airport. You think when he says disappear, you go WAY FAR AWAY.
34. So easy to find all this shit online.
35. Of course, they have showdown at the end because he can’t just ask about the gun.
36. Is that supposed to be his daughter? She looks 30.
37. I swear to God this boom mic is a better actor/extra in the movie than Statham.
38. Wow, I’d be so pissed at my dad.
39. Took him long enough to look at where the call was coming from.
40. Of course he found a car with old fashion pull up locks.
41. Boom mic visible. AGAIN.
42. Shoot enough rounds in him?
43. More cardboard acting.
44. Jason knew better, so what the fuck.
45. I love how throughout the movie, they are constantly shooting in public & it’s totally ok.
46. Gun randomly laying in grass & not dirty.
47. Gas pump continuity.
48. Why is this called ‘The Mechanic’? There was really no plot. How about a better title like “Statham: The Killer”.
49. Statham in random truck. You keep trucks all over the place?
50. The poster didn’t really do anything for the movie either.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 