50 Reasons Why ‘Wrong Turn’ Sucked

27/Dec/2010

Current Thoughts: Eliza’s always the tough one.

Wrong Turn

• Opened May 30, 2003 | Runtime:1 hr. 25 min.
• Three inbred cannibals terrorize a medical student (Desmond Harrington) and five campers (Eliza Dushku, Emmanuelle Chriqui) in a remote area of West Virginia.
• Cast: Desmond Harrington, Eliza Dushku, Emmanuelle Chriqui, Jeremy Sisto, Kevin Zegers
• Director: Rob Schmidt
• Genres: Slasher FilmTeen MovieHorror

I still can’t get over how OLD this movie looks. Yes, I know it was 2003, but what they are all wearing makes me feel like I’m watching ‘Clueless’ all over again.

50 Reasons Why ‘Wrong Turn’ Sucked

1. Bitch bitch, she seems like a shitty rock climber. Maybe give her an easier hill to try? Has she even done this before?

2. Blood dripping noises and an itty bitty drop of blood falls on her…

3. Must’ve not been that high for her to fall like that and be ok.

4. We get it. Montage of cells changing and he’s a monster and there are a ton of people missing because they are idiots. MOVE ON.

5. Mark is from PA. He says that Mustang shouldn’t be rockin’ a front PA license plate because they only require rears.

6. “Fuck this, I’m just going to get out of my car and tell these trucks to move out of my way. And not take my keys with me.”

7. Who cuts into MINKS in medical school?

8. He has a sunflower as a necklace. No further comment on this stud.

9. “There must be people nearby.” Well, yeah. Unless the forest likes to spontaneously combust.

10. Close-up of the redhead’s neck multiple times. Cameraman and his sick neck fetish?

11. Two fingers and then fangs. Wtf was that.

12. Why wouldn’t Chris just put the backpack ON?

13. “This isn’t right.” Yeah, welcome to West Virginia. Must be your first time.

14. They have to touch everything in this house. Yes, again, we get it. Whomever likes to collect a lot of other people’s shit.

15. I think there’s enough evidence for me to leave this house.

16. Instead of hiding, why not this: Let’s just kill them when they walk in?

17. Redhead’s pool of blood making a trickling noise towards Chris. Hurry Chris! Make a little dam of dirt really quick so it doesn’t touch you!

18. How can the mutants totally NOT see them? Especially with his light blue, super clean shirt…

19. Eliza’s tag is sticking out of her pants and is really annoying the fuck out of me.

20. Lemme guess, these guys are going to kick a pot of some sort… BAM!

21. Mutants didn’t just stop and shoot them.

22. “We’re gonna get married!” Oh ok, that’ll push me forward- not the human instinct to live or anything.

23. Why are you just hanging out here? Quit gawking at the cars.

24. Everyone just throws a tourniquet on like it’s going out of style. You only do that if you’re planning on losing a limb.

25. So Scott stops- you see him fall. Why are you not automatically just driving away? He’s a goner. Just go.

26. Wow. Fake blood pump. Way to go Scott, you can’t be more realistic and actually bleed to death?

27. Eliza’s awesome fake driving.

28. Chris is using his shot leg as the primary foot.

29. That watch tower is so old school and seriously- one at a time on the ladder. It’s a wood ladder, yeah fucking right.

30. “OMG, It’s a radio!” Yeah, I thought that’s what those looked like. *facepalm*

31. I thought they said cover the light but the 3 of them have a ton of light on their faces.

32. Walking on tree branches but there’s no roaring fire in the background of the watchtower or smoke…

33. WTF she has Velcro shoes on! Who wears that shit!

34. Wow, these branches are huge and they’re perfectly going from one tree to another.

35. The lighting in the trees, when Chris hits the mutant off the branch, is so amazing. Amazingly fake.

36. Not calling radio- not grabbing gun. Ok, you really deserve to die now.

37. I thought the mutant dude only shot one arrow? That’s all I heard so why am I seeing two arrows in the seat?

38. Nice welded support beam that was there perfectly for him to grab onto.

39. Chris sure healed that leg quickly.

40. Not grabbing officer’s gun when you have yet ANOTHER opportunity.

41. Fire not getting bigger and no smoke.

42. WHY AREN’T YOU KILLING THEM?

43. Double barrel shotgun with a pump-action noise? I’m confused…

44. Was that a meth lab in there? Must’ve been with an explosion that big.

45. We shouldn’t have to acknowledge that we’re leaving.

46. Hey, at what point did the mutants take their sweet time to get their truck unstuck so these two could take off with it again?

47. Pretty sure you don’t need that map. The highway should be cleared by now…

48. They’d have to get married at this point because no one else is going to believe you when you tell them this story.

49. What I can’t stand is that this cop isn’t even calling this house in. It’s easy, “I’m at this burnt down house right now.” See?

50. Oddly weird way to end with Breaking Benjamin…

FAIL.

50 Reasons Why ‘The Town’ Sucked

27/Dec/2010

Current Thoughts: Let’s try something new, shall we, Ben?

The Town

• Opened September 17, 2010 | Runtime:2 hr. 5 min.
• R

  Strong violence, pervasive language, some sexuality and drug use

• ‘Gone Baby Gone’ director Ben Affleck adapts author Chuck Hogan’s Hammett Prize-winning novel concerning four thieves who are hunted on the streets of Boston by a determined FBI agent and a woman with the power to bring them all to their knees.
• Cast: Ben Affleck, Rebecca Hall, Jon Hamm, Jeremy Renner, Blake Lively
• Director: Ben Affleck
• Genres: Crime DramaCrime ThrillerCrime

This is just one of those run-of-the-mill typical rob-mob movies. Ben didn’t really think too much about the script when he wrote it. I think he was just too excited that he’s actually making movies now, instead of just being in them.

50 Reasons why ‘The Town’ Sucked
1. Why would you be proud of Charlestown if it ruined your life?

2. “Guards like to test you.” Think you’d be having this conversation beforehand.

3. Really? The guard has to walk THAT far?

4. “Blackberries on the floor.” But I have a Droid, mine too? Why not just say phones or handhelds?

5. “Take your time; breathe.” What a nice robber.

6. Why are they bleaching everything, they didn’t touch anything and they aren’t getting clothing fibers. Like it matters.

7. “Residual effects- you’ll be ok.” Maybe tell me what the effect are so I know what to look for so I know I’m ok?

8. “No more serious white people in Charlestown.” I wouldn’t say you’re worth it, druggie.

9. That’s not weird at all. NOT doing laundry at a Laundromat.

10. I’d would have thrown that top away right when I got home from the accident, not try to clean it.

11. Ben’s look when she’s telling him about the robbery.

12. “I’m sure I’d recognize their voices.” “It’s harder than you think.” Don’t make it anymore obvious. This script is killing me.

13. Ben and James talking in the café. In the background there are two men cleaning the middle of the road with cars whizzing past them. Wtf, that’s all I can focus on.

14. Where did they get training on their guns? No where in MA can you go unless you’re a cop.

15. Dude, he got 2 rounds off that revolver like no other!

16. It’s like I’m watching ‘Point Break’ and ‘Heat’ all over again. Don’t think too hard for inspiration, Ben.

17. “Under-roos” not to be said in a serious conversation…

18. Desmond is 22? Looks a lot older than 22.

19. So the cops already know everything about them. As soon as they see her with them, this should all be over with.

20. “My brother died on a day like this.” Such a downer, this character is getting annoying.

21. So why exactly are they robbing banks? Did I miss that part? They don’t really own any nice things so what’s the point?

22. “Taking heat” “bread truck dump” don’t be too obvious.

23. Really, 5 minutes left? They haven’t even spoken for 2.

24. That’s the cleanest prison phone window I’ve ever seen. This place must be brand new.

25. Sly move- my uncle could see us through this window, let’s go to the bedroom. That doesn’t weird out women or anything.

26. Gross, they’re like, BALLS of hair. That doesn’t look like really hair you see on a barber’s floor. Not unless they’re hacking away at dreads, doing a horrible job.

27. That is one really untinted window. Very horribly planned.

28. Once you’re pinned in like that- you wouldn’t waste your time before shooting.

29. Perfect day in Boston, btw. No traffic whatsoever…

30. He’s doing 90 and swerving in that Jeep. Uh huh.

31. So they pull up to this place to ditch the Jeep and the cop car wasn’t there but now it magically is and it has a cop in it.

32. Read off the paper- that’s not very legit.

33. Volunteer… full time??

34. “It’s just a necklace.” Thanks for ruining it.

35. The lighting in her room is so fake and too perfect.

36. Talking next to a cemetery. Overdramatic and already done in other movies.

37. The rose guy and James both want another heist? The heat is on- just like the song- that would be retarded.

38. Ben and her are talking in the garden but his lips don’t move in some spots.

39. Claire and Ben having convo still but what the camera needs to do is zoom out just a little bit so Ben’s forehead doesn’t look so big.

40. He’s just rubbing the bolt- not actually cleaning the gun.

41. Why’s he looking around? Too quiet?

42. How did the FBI figure out they were there? It’s not like Doug told the junkie chick because he didn’t. We heard their whole conversation.

43. He had an AK, now he’s running an AR. Oh, he’s got the AK again.

44. Dude, all of them should be bleeding from their ears with TWO flash bangs that close.

45. SWAT’s gun malfunctioned.

46. The cops are just poppin’ shots at the ambulance out in public.

47. FBI man- Stop moving- shoot James. He could have easily stopped that threat with a slug changeover.

48. James- out of ammo a century ago.

49. Ben’s shocked face- people still shooting even after James slopped down onto the ground. These are horrible fucking cops.

50. FBI- not sneaky enough to close the windows of her apartment.

FAIL.