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50 Reasons Why ‘The Crazies’ (2010) Sucked
- Opened February 26, 2010 | Runtime:1 hr. 41 min.
- David Dutten (Timothy Olyphant) is sheriff of Ogden Marsh, a picture-perfect American town with happy, law-abiding citizens. But one night, one of them comes to a school baseball game with a loaded shotgun, ready to kill. Another man burns down his own house…after locking his wife and young son in a closet inside. Within days, the town has transformed into a sickening asylum; people who days ago lived quiet, unremarkable lives have now become depraved, blood-thirsty killers, hiding in the darkness with guns and knives. Sheriff Dutten tries to make sense of what’s happening as the horrific, nonsensical violence escalates. Something is infecting the citizens of Ogden Marsh…with insanity. Now complete anarchy reigns as one by one the townsfolk succumb to an unknown toxin and turn sadistically violent. In an effort to keep the madness contained, the government uses deadly force to close off all access and won’t let anyone in or out – even those uninfected.
- Cast: Timothy Olyphant, Radha Mitchell, Danielle Panabaker, Joe Anderson, Christie Lynn Smith
- Director: Breck Eisner
- Genres: Action Thriller, Escape Film, Horror
Well, at least it’s not just another zombie movie… but it is just another typical outbreak movie. My main problem with this was Radha Mitchell. She plays a doctor in this (lol) and you’d think, as a doctor, if you’ve gone to school and treated patients then blood and gore probably won’t make you freak out so bad. EVERY time she saw some sort of dead/mutilated body she had to scream. It was driving me fucking crazy.
50 Reasons Why ‘The Crazies’ (2010) Suck
1. Someone must’ve left the stove on…
2. Does Radha only accept weird fucking roles? Really, others include: Silent Hill, Rogue, Pitch Black, Uprising (?!) etc…
3. Spy planes?
4. That’s the boy? The son looks as old as the mother!
5. Haha, the look on his face from getting smacked LOL.
6. Cinema beds are always so big, fluffy, and comfy.
7. That’s awesome, he doesn’t even have a wood clamp on that.
8. Who planes boards like that, the Amish??
10. Why’d she tag along? Because she’s literally the ONLY doctor in town?
11. How’d he know they were on top?
12. Wow, he’s smart, right off the bat he knows the problem is the water. He must’ve seen ‘Cabin Fever’.
13. How did the deputy not see blood on the prisoner and all over the wall while he was walking to his locker which happens to be next and slightly past the retaining cell?
14. I’ve never seen a cell phone blink and beep like that when it doesn’t have service… and I’ve been through A LOT of cell phones.
15. Black Burban, very incognito with the dramatic driving away while the Sheriff was walking. Even if they slowly pulled out and drove , they still would have gotten away… because he was walking.
16. “Behind you.” How did he see that?
17. Somehow I see the car with the tarp coming into play later.
18. How did the government get all this set up without anyone in town noticing it?
19. He was unconscious for that long??
20. At that point, wouldn’t more government people show up for better containment? Like sharp shooter from helicopters.
21.A shell fell out of his gun and he didn’t put it back in…
22. As soon as you become zombie-ized you have to walk with very heavy foot steps.
23. People are so easy to go through with pitchforks in movies. I’d like to try this.
24. We all know the husband is going to show up.
25. There’s enough dead soldiers on the ground, why haven’t they picked up their weapons?
26. Why are the rednecks collecting bodies?
27. Those military guys sooooo would have cleared that barn and not have just sent one person in.
28. The Geneva Convention doesn’t allow flamethrowers anymore btw, so wtf is this shit?
29. How have they not flown a helicopter over yet to assess the situation and see this group of people running around?
30. “See if you can find a toolbox.” Even though this is my shed, I keep it hidden???
31. I like that move, the hand-knife move…
32. It was so easy for him to lift his hand on the knife but hard for him to take his hand-knife off of her neck…
33. God, deputy saves the day here constantly.
34. Hey, honey, I have a knife here, let me help you get untied.
35. Really? This can’t be a cooler car under the tarp?
36. Any car can power through those car wash thingies. Hell, I’m always having to situate my car better when I get it washed because those things are so shitty-made.
37. Hell yes, Chopper +1 ftw, but it definitely would have lobbed one off at the car wash.
38. The deputy saved him three times? I only counted 2. Was he counting this Black Burban scene?
39. WHY would you get rid of your best primary weapon????? The bolt action rifle?
40. The deputy knows he’s going to die, so he should just donate his vest over now before he gets too sick.
41. Why would you give him a Glock when your revolver only has about a round left and he’s about to kill himself anyways?
42. They run alongside the road, yeah you want to be close, but not ON it.
43. The government separated the sick from the healthy but killed them all anyways. Why go through all that trouble? Pick a few good test subjects, bomb the city. Very quick, very effective. No chaos.
44. When do Zippos ever come filled????
45. Really, the rednecks are so dramatic as to turn off the truck stop’s lights. Why don’t you just go in and kill them?
46. No exit wound on zombie in big rig cab.
47. Sheriff learned to drive a lorry rather quickly…
48. Did the government nuke the place or was that just a really big ass bomb?
49. I don’t think America wouldn’t know about this, a propane tank blew up the entire town?
50. Completely untouched by that massive crash…
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Blood Creek’ Sucked
5/Apr/2010
Current Mood: Pyromaniac
Blood Creek
- Opened September 18, 2009
- A man and his brother on a mission of revenge become trapped in a harrowing occult experiment dating back to the Third Reich.
- Cast: Dominic Purcell, Henry Cavill, Michael Fassbender, Emma Booth, Shea Whigham
- Director: Joel Schumacher
- Genres: Supernatural Horror, Horror
If you really want to see an awesome Nazi-Zombie-esque movie- see ‘Dead Snow’. That movie is BADASS. Lovesit. This one, though, my God is it terrible. It’s just too random.
50 Reasons Why ‘Blood Creek’ Sucked
1. Meadow… more meadow… MEADOW.
2. It always has to be about Hitler. Jesus people, give it up.
3. That bird’s not impressed.
4. The check was made out in Germany- shouldn’t be be like, in Deutsche Marks?
5. Must’ve got their handling practices from UPS.
6. He just walks in? Sends his shit in and a couple days later he walks in by foot?
7. Title shows up on screen in white lettering. The film is currently in black and white so you can’t really see shit. It should at least have a black back drop in the font.
8. Family: “We used it in the foundation of the farm.” Nazi-Guy: *facepalm*
9. Most people pack clothes, not skeletons…
10. That’s a big fucking stone. I was thinking it’d be the size of his palm, max.
11. It’s hard for me to focus with this dramatic light in my eyes.
12. Present day I assume? Because we’re now in color?
13. He’s an EMT and he’s living in a trailer…
14. His brother- The Swamp Thing. He looks like Old Gregg.
15. Is his bro on his period?
16. I’d be like, “Dude, woah, just stop and tell me what we’re going after here. We have no mission planning, this sucks.”
17. Um hello? Random chick randomly putting up posters in the woods. Creepy.
18. Good job bringing your RED bag. Not so sneaky.
19. I totally just saw that bite coat when the dog was going after the actor.
20. Dude, administer this rabies shot afterwards- your brother is breaching a house right now, cover him!
21. His hammer’s not cocked.
22. This guy’s crazy running around!
23. Are those supposed to be dog bites? Fucking gross.
24. The brother sounds almost Irish.
25. Wow, it got dark quick, like a light switch on the sun.
26. Ok, crazy horses.
27. “We can’t leave here, we let him into our lives.” So wait, why can’t you leave?
28. So is this guy a zombie?
29. Is he hungry? He can’t just grab a snickers?
30. Nice, remote control over body from a distance, making dad a zombie. I knew Hitler was workin’ on wifi!
31. What’s with this Merry-Go-Round horse bullshit?
32. I like this light over the stone.
33. Why does he look like a burn victim?
34. And why is his voice so trippy? I just want him to tell me lullabys.
35. He’s got white eyes, just shoot him.
36. Let’s rotate the camera around him a couple more times.
37. Kind of a tarded way to drink blood- 3 fingers.
38. It shoudn’t burn, it’s just bone marrow…
39. No wonder he’s always tired- he runs like an Olympian.
40. So what’s up with the brother? Bad concussion?
41. Why would you grab that part of the barbed wire? Tard.
42. That looks kinda gay, sucking blood like that…
43. Come up behind and push him.
44. Petroleum jelly ooze out of 3rd eye.
45. Still yelling.
46. Shoulda kept some of those books, sell ’em for a fuck ton.
47. “Stay with me ’til it’s over” Well 1936, she’s only supposed to be 74ish, why’d she die?
48. Someone’s got a little burn happy, freakin’ pyro.
49. Well, we’ve got a tombstone for you when you actually die, we’ll just cross out the old death date.
50. I guess he said fuck being a paramedic?
This was FAIL. Also, when I was looking for ‘Blood Creek’ pictures online, this randomly came up.
I’m wondering who would actually watch this? And who would even begin to think this is a good movie to make- that guy should be shot.
50 Reasons Why ‘Quarantine’ Sucked
9 Dec 09 Wednesday
Current Mood: Coming down with a case of Rabies
Fandango.com Overview:
Television reporter Angela Vidal and her cameraman are assigned to spend the night shift with a Los Angeles Fire Station. After a routine 911 call takes them to a small apartment building, they find police officers already on the scene in response to blood curdling screams coming from one of the apartment units. They soon learn that a woman living in the building has been infected by something unknown. After a few of the residents are viciously attacked, they try to escape with the news crew in tow, only to find that the CDC has quarantined the building. Phones, internet, televisions and cell phone access have been cut-off, and officials are not relaying information to those locked inside. When the quarantine is finally lifted, the only evidence of what took place is the news crew’s videotape.
… *raises eyebrow*… Come on now, rabies?? Really? Cujo had rabies and he was SO much scarier than this.
1. How uneventful is this city that a news station does a shoot on ‘what firefighters do’.
2. “Pretend it’s not even there.” So he stares into the camera even more.
3. “Probably not allowed to swear on your station.” No, no on any station, our fire fighters are retards.
4. Her laugh, dude, she sounds like a total idiot.
5. “Pole Hole”. Of course they find this amusing.
6. Yeah I bet you wanna see some action, goin’ into the shower room.
7. And this city is so uneventful the fire fighters are fucking off the whole time.
8. Omg the fire could be huge now because it’s taking the news crew so long to get to the truck.
9. Glad to see this movie makes fire fighters out to be pussy-hungry assholes.
10. This is supposed to be in L.A.? L.A.’s a lot busier than this.
11. Does she have rabies? Wtf.
12. Double tap that bitch to the head, wtf are you waiting for?
13. “Tape everything, you hear me? Tape everything!” Well, yeah, bitch, I just told you earlier that my boss said I had to regardless.
14. I’ve decided that everyone in this movie is over dramatic and annoying.
15. Fabric workshop in the apartment complex.
16. How/why did the fire fighter randomly fall from the top floor? Banana peel?
17. That was the most dramatic fall I’ve ever seen- the chick that smacked into the wall.
18. She died from smacking into the wall?
19. Cop’s afraid he did something wrong, “You saw that, right?” Dude, it’s on the camera that you were bitching about. Bet you’re ok with me filming now, huh?
20. Finger point- camera guy, you’re in trouble now.
21. “Precaution for what?” Tell me you just didn’t hear all the gunshots or people screaming? Are you kidding?
22. “I’d be forced to force you.” *facepalm*
23. What’d they just come off the boat? How’d they get an apartment?
24. I’ve just figured out what the problem is: People are going crazy because there is no cable.
25. She’s blue and she’s drooling/puking/wheezing. I would not be touching that shit.
26. How does anyone outside of the apartment know it’s contaminated?
27. That guy repelled in because that’s how tactically cool he is.
28. Geez, why do they keep pushing the guy with the gun? He’s black and he has a gun.
29. “We have a TV crew in here!” How does she think that’s going to make any difference?
30. “I don’t like being sick.” No one does, kid. Fucking retard.
31. Why wasn’t anyone keeping an eye on the injured fire fighter?
32. I didn’t know rabies was 100% fatal.
33. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if the outside people have a jammer blocking cell phones & cable, couldn’t it block bunny ears too? Different bandwidth maybe?
34. Don’t open the door- the dog got the guy, why would you open the door?
35. K, chick attacking 4 people that were trying to watch TV with bunny ears. My question is how her teeth got all jagedy. So when you get infected your teeth suddenly change form?
36. That’s a damn strong camera lens.
37. “Maybe this is all his fault.” Yeah, blame it on the paralyzed old black guy from Africa.
38. CDC is coming and they’re about 100 yds away but it sounds like Darth Vader is breathing down the camera guy’s neck.
39. And if you’re breathing that hard through a gas mask, you’ve got a problem.
40. Usually you shave the hair so it doesn’t get all wrapped up in the drill…
41. Why didn’t they move her out of the way of the stairwell because now that she’s handcuffed to it, she’s in command of it when she gets infected. Think, people.
42. This old lady “that started all this action” is on the move. She’s like the traveling gnome.
43. Omg black guy’s retarded, he saw how everyone got bitten, and he just turned his back on her.
44. K, guy gets shot by sniper so camera guy goes to get a better shot at the sniper directly in front of the window.
45. Let’s go to the mailboxes to find out where Yuri lives when you could have totally just re-winded the tape back to the part where you guy’s were talking about it before. Just risk your lives some more. It’s cool.
46. Why was everything bouncing around in the elevator? It’s rabies, not an earthquake.
47. They’re leaving the crazy, satan-speaking tape playing. I would have turned it off.
48. That attic hatch just happened to fall at the exact moment they walk over there? It’s been waiting to pop down on someone for so long now. It finally has the opportunity.
49. Because all night vision makes that noise when you turn it on.
50. Why do we keep filming her- you should be focused on that skinny guy at all times. And it’s not like she has light on her so I don’t know why it makes her feel more safe.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘SARS WARS: Bangkok Zombie Crisis’ Sucked
11 Nov 09 Wednesday
Current Mood: Worried about getting SARS
Seriously, I just kept this movie. It’s so terrible that I liked it. And now own it. Here’s the synopsis and if you wanna borrow it, lemme know:
The horror comedy Sars Wars: Bangkok Zombie Crisis starts with a second wave of the deadly sars virus making its way through the world. This time, due to a mutation, the victims turn into zombies. Thailand appears to be the last country to be hit by the virus, but the citizens of an apartment complex are about to become the first in the country to suffer from the disease. Thankfully a hero rises to the occasion and attempts to stop the world from being populated entirely by zombies…
1. Opening credits- cartoons of some guys slashing people and Asian music that sounds like Anthrax?
2. Isn’t that what Africa always looks like? Of course all of this started in Africa.
3. Go figure, little Asian school girls
4. K, so he ran over a bear?
5. What kind of glass windows do they have over there Christ, shit’s weak.
6. Dude this super hero kid’s outfit includes ripped spandex and rubber rain boots.
7. I wanna go to Thailand, they have a dope fucking club scene is what it looks like…..
8. Where’d super hero’s sword go? Well, he fits right in now with all these club kids.
9. JESUS look at that cat’s tail it’s huge and fluffy as shit! I’ve never seen anything like it. I am so buying a cat from Thailand.
10. I love the Mickey Mouse shirt, I bet that’s a collector’s item.
11. Is that the girl off of ‘The Grudge’?
12. Nice 90’s clear phone…..
13. The cat tail is meowing…
14. The only color of paint that apartment complex could afford was a cheap lime green.
15. This guy’s gun should be empty.
16. He just racked out a live round.
17. He just bit an apple.
18. Super hero guy apparently got his sword back.
19. So goggles protect you from inhaling smoke?
20. Are these zombies or vampires bc they have vampy fangs…..
21. That snake got HUGE when it turned into a zombie. Yes, I just said it turned into a zombie. You read that correctly.
22. It’s apparently “not cool” to use an elevator in Thailand.
23. How did anyone outside the condo know it was contaminated?
24. Yeah, shutting off the lights will definitely stop SARS.
25. Fat people release air and deflate like balloons.
26. The more SWAT teams you get on SARS, the quicker it ends.
27. No one fired a round when they saw the zombies.
28. The GLASS door was locked so they are going to the elevator. Why not just BREAK the glass?
29. Why would you need the same gun? I understand double or maybe triple, but not like, 50 of the same gun. That’s just stupid.
30. He will protect her with his life if she takes him out to dinner and movies for a week and sleep together once.
31. “Stop Virus Bullet” stops spread of virus without killing anyone. And it’s made in Thailand.
32. Did we just get specs on her? Via heart?
33. “Halalalapopah” is “shut up” in Thai. Fyi.
34. Really? That’s what she’s wearing under her suit? Not very professional. Maybe she’s a stripper for her second job.
35. That TV went into his head very easily. And she picked it up super easily as well.
36. Green freeze sword. Rip off Jedi. Lol. The batteries died.
37. So if you get shot by a frozen zombie dart gun, a little Thai strip tease will get you out of it.
38. Holy shit zombie baby just bit through its own umbilical cord to try and get to the chick.
39. He just roundhouse kicked the baby.
40. Dude I would have kicked her off the bike if she nibbled on my ear, thinking she was a zombie.
41. Crazy bad CGI baby just popped out of nowhere.
42. So they were having sex in the middle of all of this?
43. Big ass snake sounds like a cat.
44. Junkies still even after being turned into zombies.
45. That’s a good one liner to get Thai’s into bed apparently
46. He says “don’t come near me” and go figure, like in all movies, she does anyways.
47. I would have nuked that building by now.
48. How is he all of a sudden better now? Because he tried ODing on a bunch of foaming products?
49. Croutching Tiger Eats Noodles is a sex move and yes, it actually involves noodles…..
50. “This is the most ridiculous part of the movie, but you’ve watched it so far!” They actually say that, that’s how bad this movie is.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Boy Eats Girl’ Sucked
09 Apr 09 Thursday
Current Mood: I need an accent that will make me sound cool.
Soooooo, every time I rent a horror flick this movie always seems to pop up in the previews. It’s foreign, a little Irish nugget of gold. Most B-rated films such as Dead Alive and Shaun of the Dead I love, but this was just terrible. Here’s the preview:
Yeah, I know, right off the bat I shouldn’t see this movie, but I had hope, I guess, that it would be one of those rare gems like Dead Alive. Holy fuck was I wrong.
50 Reasons Why Boy Eats Girl Sucked
1. The jokes just do not work and I can see why it has taken so long to get this movie to the states. It also explains why this movie didn’t get a theatrical release. An emo kid in love with Samantha Mamba. I think it was the intent to make this a date movie with something for the girls and something for the guys.
2. I didn’t know Sarah Palin did movies. The main character’s mother looks/is exactly Sarah Palin.
3. She totally doesn’t hear the random poisonous snake that is hissing right next to her in this silent cave-like room.
4. The Catholic priest sounds like a retard and shouldn’t be an actor if he cannot speak properly… unless, of course, he’s playing a retard, which in this case he is not.
5. Kid driving car is dropping Samantha Mumba off at her house and he had to use the E-brake even though he was not parking.
6. Three sweaty guys in a car with a black girl… what’s going on here that wasn’t shown?
7. Holy fucking blue rice burner. (You can see it in the preview above.)
8. Everyone in this movie is very emo about being Irish, like it is the worst thing in the world.
9. Samantha Mumba’s angry vulcan eyebrows:
10. Jesus Christ, I cannot get over this fucking Irish rice burner….
11. Um, excuse me…. how in the hell can you get “sick with” bulimea?
12. Samantha Mumba’s dad is white. Like pasty freakin’ white. I am missing something here.
13. I’m not understanding why there is a gigantic brass spoon hanging in the hallway in Samantha Mumba’s house…
14. Main character’s got a monkey with a noose in his room. Seriously, super emo.
15. After drinking just a fifth, you want to hang yourself.
16. Anyone who works in a church knows how to bring people back to life apparently.
17. What exactly is Sarah Palin’s job title in this movie?
18. Sarah Palin probably should have read that entire book before trying to bring her son back to life…
19. Less Girly = more manly…..right?
20. All these highschoolers look about 25. WTF, I know Ireland is a bit small, but I’m sure they could’ve done better casting than this. It’s not like the Irish have anything else better to do.
21. He couldn’t get a boner so he runs off into the night lol.
22. The sound effects are ama-za-zing. The last time I got mad at someone, I ripped their face off too!
23. I hate how in ever movie when they’re alone and they hear a noise they go, “Who’s there?”
24. Why is it that the main character who was first turned into a zombie sorta but seems to be resistant to the infection when everyone else turns into a zombie immediately?
25. “My teacher’s hat comes off, but my listening hat is always on.” Wow. His “teacher’s hat” says Craig. Lulz.
26. Who the fuck does that??? Samantha Mumba is trying to sleep with her light on, almost as if the cameraman and lighting crew decided to do it half-assed. Hmmm…
27. Random shot of Samantha Mumba’s house with no significance whatsoever.
28. Holy fucking wow. I didn’t know what a zombie was, good thing I looked it up. (Just like Bella in Twilight not knowing what a damn vampire was.)
29. Chunks of human attract maggots that quickly.
30. Wearing a hood doesn’t make you inconspicuous… in fact, it makes you more obvious.
31. I’d much rather just watch Shaun of the Dead to fill my rom-zom-com needs. Its one thing to creatively pay homage to films that may have inspired you along your way but it’s another to blatantly rip off scenes
from cult classics and use them in your own film.
32. And I guess when you turn into a zombie you still go to work, like the bartender in this film.
33. Omg lulz, the kid asks, “Did I cum?” Wtf.
34. Zombies like going for the cock… just like in “Porn of the Dead”.
35. You know now that I think about it, that was a surprisingly accessible crypt of the voodoo missionaries. You would think that shit would be under some serious lock and key…
36. WTF is that yellow shit above the zombie’s mouth? The makeup artist apparently didn’t take the time to look up flesh wound and spent more time on the looks of pus, which I don’t understand why it would be (if anywhere) on his upper lip.
37. Why the fuck is this chick fucking around in a cop station? Obviously the city is in chaos, like the cops are going to do anything about it if they aren’t already zeds themselves.
38. I know Samantha Mumba is trying to be sneaky, but she’s walking around like a retard.
39. Out of all the golf clubs, she grabs the smallest one:
40. This score is completely awful, consisting of shitty pop music that makes your head ache and is kinda hard to sit through.
41. How can these zombies be stronger and faster than regular people. Not possible, not buying it one bit.
42. Ok, the main guy’s friend’s ask if his blood is flowing and he says no and they ask, “Not even down there?” Wow.
43. This dude gets his hand burned by a cigarette and doesn’t feel it, but right when a pair of scissors gets jammed in his hand he becomes a total pussy.
44. WTF is up with this snake, seriously.
45. Girl puts the shoe back on after stabbing some guy in the eye. Bitch really needs to just ditch the shoes.
46. K so wait, the snake cures zombie-ism?
47. Stay in the closet until dawn, yeeeaaaaahhh because that makes a lot of sense. Then there will just be zombies running around in daylight and you will still be just as fucked as you were.
48. They are surrounded by zombies who are coming at them. Then, jut when they are surrounded in a perfect circle with a two feet gap, the zombies stop to stare at their meal. R-I-G-H-T.
49. Instead of staying with the lawnmower of death (yes, a ripoff of Braindead/Dead Alive) they go to chill in a barn.
50. Diesel fuel explodes with hay mixed with more hay. I didn’t know it could explode so easily… so unrealistic.
Boy Eats Girl is kinda like a mix between some shitty zombie horror
movies, and add to that some teen-flick type of humour and a big doze
of Shaun of the Dead to top it off with. Although, were Shaun of the
Dead managed to truly be funny, this one fails miserably trying to do
the same. I guess if you’re 12 years old you’ll appreciate it, but
other than that, NO.
Equals FAIL.
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 