50 Reasons Why ‘Surrogates’ Sucked

Current Mood: Tech-savy

Fandango.com said this:

Explore a future in which humans live in isolation while only communicating with their fellow man through robots that serve as social surrogates and are better-looking versions of their human counterparts. Bruce Willis stars as an FBI agent who enlists the aid of his own surrogate to investigate the murder of the genius college student who invented the surrogates. As the case grows more complicated, however, the withdrawn detective discovers that in order to actually catch the killer he will have to venture outside the safety of his own home for the first time in many years, and enlists the aid of another agent (Radha Mitchell) in tracking his target down.

I agree with what this guy had to say:

If the plot of this movie was that people were being abducted and being replaced by robots I feel it would have been better. Yes I understand the underlying message of technology and we are becoming too dependent and beauty is so surface that we lose ourselves in appearances but I could have got that from a PSA.
John Cotter

50 Reasons Why ‘Surrogates’ Sucked

1. Same scientist/inventor from iRobot…. Again? Man, this guy invents everything.

2. Another black man preachin’- just like in Gamer.

3. So surrogates can get wet?

4. I just fall into dancing.

5. Pathetic showing of a Audi R8. If you’re gonna put an expensive car in your movie, at least show it off for more than 2.5 seconds.

6. What’s the ‘dead’ girl surrogate doing way on the other side of the road?

7. The surrogates look so real until you see them ‘dead’.

8. Why is it always big old fat guys role-playing as girls?

9. You always know right away in movies when you see someone walk into a child’s room and see a specific toy and then the person walks away- you know the kid is dead… they can never just have a super clean room and be at school or something.

10. Why was his wife making coffee? Shouldn’t it be oil or something?

11. I wonder how much a surrogate costs, they never say.

12. Why would you post ads everywhere for surrogates when everyone has them anyway? It’s like posting an ad for keyless entry on your car. Nobody does that shit anymore because so many people already have it. It comes standard.

13. They left the evidence bags at VSI?

14. I don’t like Bruce’s tuffs of hair in front.

15. We don’t lock the doors to the engineering department at all.

16. I like how this black guy is just showing 2 strangers all this classified info.

17. That’s like OnStar for surrogates- turning them off with warrants.

18. 2 cop cars and a helicopter chasing one guy and none of them shoot at him.

19. He ducked but that weapon still should have fried his motherboard.

20. How’s he still operating- he just leaked out all of his juice…

21. If you don’t have a surrogate you’re instantly poor.

22. Surrogates for kids? Upgrading as it gets older, think about it, damn that seems pointless and expensive.

23. In real life when people get suspended from the job they’re like, “ok” but in movies they always rebel and make a scene.

24. It’s like a chop shop for surries (what I’m calling them now), trying out that surry when he got out of the hospital.

25. If you don’t take surrogacy you go into the dark ages. I odn’t understand, did these people just give up their jobs and move into shanties?

26. I don’t know why they have to burn his body, is he like a witch or something?

27. It must activate when you open the case… it spooled up.

28. Don’t you think his hand would be broken after bashing the shit out of the surry’s face?

29. You just got blood on my unit, thanks honey.

30. being a cop/detective- they don’t delete their surrogate history? Like what the surrogate video taped that day? For like, privacy issues?

31. She stored her surry at work?

32. Easy way to get out of conversation- just unplug. How shitty.

33. Wouldn’t they just parade that body around and say, “Look at this farce you’ve been living in?”

34. I like how in every movie people bring up files that quickly on a computer, genius.

35. Go Chevy. Wow.

36. “Where you going, hey!” Why’d you leave your keys in the car? Douche you deserve it.

37. So VSI made this just to kill Canter? All that elaborate planning?

38. Dude you’re a silent old man, sneakin’ up on me in your wheel chair.

39. Why wouldn’t the old guy just say hey I’m not killing everyone, why’s he acting like the bad guy?

40. He just puts pills in his mouth and it killed him instantly- not even foaming at the mouth or anything either.

41. Flash to some scenes of surrogates to make it more dramatic looking.

42. Oh and again flash some more.

43. What would suck is if you were alive (not a surry) and out and about when all this shit went down.

44. Would it really be that silent?

45. “Fuck I had a wallet in my surrogate, gotta go get it.”

46. I like how everyone’s wearing pajamas.

47. You know there’d be people raping surrogate bodies.

48. Door wasn’t even locked, no need to kick it down…

49. “We can go to Hawaii now…”

50. What do you do with all the surries, waste of metal, recycle them all?

The future didn’t seem too high tech… except for the stupid robots. That’s it. FAIL.

50 Reasons Why ‘Whiteout’ Sucked

Current Mood: Freezing Balls.

Like always, I get sucked into movies because there’s one famous actor/actress that decides to make a shit film, such as this one with Kate Beckinsale. Underworld wasn’t that bad, maybe those two made her retarded, who knows. I really like her so it was sad to see her have to dumb down to play this part.

My main problems with this film: over-acting, bad guy too easily identified, lame execution of a slightly potential storyline, very slow, not much action, and they just HAD to show Kate in the shower. Too typical.

The only U.S. Marshal assigned to Antarctica, Carrie Stetko (Kate Beckinsale) will soon leave the harsh environment for good; in three days, the sun will set and the Research station will be shut down for the long winter. When a body is discovered out on the open ice, Carrie’s investigation into the continent’s first homicide plunges her deep into a mystery that may cost her her own life.

50 Reasons Why ‘Whiteout’ Sucked

 

1. Southern Hemisphere? So you’re telling me this could be Australia with all the shit ton of snow and mountains? Just fucking say Antarctica, Christ.

2. I thought you could only see the Aurora Borealis in Alaska? I’m wrong, aren’t I? Oh well, it was poorly CGI’d anyways.

3. He had enough time to shoot the guy coming after him, dumbass.

4. That’s an awesome landing for no one landing it. Usually in other movies it would’ve exploded into a billion places.

5. What an original name ‘Whiteout’. How about ‘Snow Storm’?

6. I like how they had to tell us Antarctica is the coldest land mass on the planet.

7. Is this modern times now or still 1957?

8. Is it really this busy down there? And do they all streak and run around down there?

9. Her badge is pretty deep under all those layers that she’s taking off. Lol “Hold on a sec, I’m an officer!”

10. Her one elbow was super red in the shower.

11. She doesn’t lock her door? She’s a U.S. Marshal and she doesn’t lock her door.

12. Those ladies sure know how to handle that rod.

13. Really? Who saw this dead guy and knew he was wayyyy the fuck out here?

14. Just wheel the corpse all through the party.

15. Dude seriously with these flashbacks. If she’s got bad post traumatic stress maybe she shouldn’t be in this type of career anymore.

16. Vostok- of course shit is always happening with the Russians.

17. K, in the Russian station the temperature gauge is in Fahrenheit when in reality it would have been in Celsius. Just FYI guys.

18. This is why you never have a girl go by herself anywhere.

19. Why’d she take off her gloves in the first place? Her hands wouldn’t have gotten fucked. You’re in Antarctica for fuck’s sake.

20. Jesus lady you lost all that skin and was almost murdered and she wants to go back out there already.

21. This new guy’s voice is so serious…. Seriously annoying.

22. “We’re here.” Obviously, the GPS beeped. We all heard it.

23. “There’s nothing here, let’s head back.” Dude, you haven’t even gotten out of the Cat yet.

24. Dude, she’s getting beat the fuck up. Being in Antarctica, you should know about thin ice, especially if you just got done saying how they were digging all around there.

25. “What the hell happened here?” I don’t know- just got down here after you.

26. Yeah, they didn’t really think about getting buried and I love how they haven’t been keeping tabs with anyone else about where they went or where they were going.

27. Wow, that was a very simple way of getting out of the buried plane. They probably shouldn’t have made it so dramatic before that.

28. Why wouldn’t there be juice left in the Arctic Cat? They didn’t think about that before they left in it? And they probably shouldn’t be sitting in there with the lights on, that just sucks more battery life.

29. Everyone keeps telling her to take care of that hand, wtf just do it already.

30. Way to go, see that’s why you don’t wait with those kind of issues, now you lose two fingers.

31. Ooh here we go, finally flashback finished?

32. So they made it seem like that flashback was supposed to be an important part of the movie. It’s just annoying character development that failed.

33. Omg, his voice wasn’t annoying in this conversation. I think he’s trying to hard to have a different voice, the actor, not the character.

34. She yells for someone to stop him and no one moves.

35. But now she’s not screaming for help after she sees the killer going after Rubin.

36. I figured it was that guy, you could tell from the beginning.

37. They sure are waiting til the last minute to board people onto the plane and now an extra 15 minutes for her to look for canisters. Dude that storm is right next to them.

38. Wait, HOW the fuck did that guy get out of shackles and a locked room?

39. Of course they split up. No point they’re stuck there anyways. Might as well stick together there are only so many places he can go.

40. People are retarded. Both aiming guns out into the snow they can’t see 2 feet in front of them. They’re gonna end up shooting each other.

41. Guy jumps on bad guy with a sickle that is aimed at her- so he could have actually helped kill her if he landed hard enough.

42. Awesome: killed the guy AND got the containers after all that fighting you could barely see in the snow. Too perfect, she didn’t even break a nail.

43. She wants to open the supposed radio active shit.

44. She fucking opened it and wtf there are jelly beans inside. Good thing or they could’ve ended up dead. What an idiot.

45. She knows he had an accomplice and go figure doesn’t think twice about the only 3 other people with her could be the one.

46. Hears noises- flashes light in that direction and she’s weaponless. Definitely not tactical/defensive.

47. K well, it’s the old guy, why doesn’t she stop what she’s doing and tell the UN guy or anyone else that she can tell?

48. Wtf trusted him that he wasn’t going to kill her. She’s a very special officer and I’m absolutely surprised she’s still alive for being like this in that type of career.

49. And she just stood there while he opened the door and killed himself while letting the bigass snow storm come inside.

50. How this chick got a badge I have no idea, she isn’t very smart. The back of this DVD said how visually stunning it was too, also dumb. FAIL.

I just don’t understand how no one’s faces froze off while running around without masks on…

50 Reasons Why ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ Sucked

Current Mood: Wanting to beat a child

I always loved checking this book out in elementary school. When I first saw the previews of the film I was absolutely stoked, the visuals looked so badass and even the dumb little song they had for it was awesome. I should have figured that no one can make an adaptation of anything correctly. They never do. For those of you who do not know what the book was about or the movie I present to you Fandango.com and their synopsis:

Misunderstood at home and at school, mischievous Max escapes to a land populated by majestic, and sometimes fierce, creatures known as the Wild Things. The Wild Things allow Max to become their leader, and he promises to create a kingdom where everyone will be happy. However, Max soon finds that being the king is not easy, and that his relationships with the Wild Things are much more complicate than he originally thought.

I was about 20 minutes into the movie when I realized this was a 50. I was very disappointed because the director spent more time with the visuals and fucking around with Karen O on the soundtrack than the storyline and acting. Sure it was based on the book and I understand the book only had 10 sentences, but that doesn’t mean you can forget about the plot altogether.

Honestly, the only movie that really lived up to the book was Henry Charriere’s ‘Papillon’. This makes me doubt the new ‘Alice in Wonderland’ will be any good. I saw the preview for that and they already fucked with the Cheshire Cat, which annoys me. ANYWAYS, on with the 50…

 

50 Reasons Why ‘Where the Wild Things Are’ Sucked

 1. I’m surprised the dog hasn’t bitten that kid yet, he’s running around attacking the poor thing with a fork.

 2. “Max, go play with your friends.” I don’t have any… obviously.

 3. Chris Costa wouldn’t have done that. (Max slipped on ice and totally smashed the snowballs he was carrying.)

 4. “Is that your brother?” Does it matter? He threw snowballs at you, just pummel the motherfucker.

 5. What did Max expect: 1 vs. like, 5 older kids.

 6. Max doesn’t take anger issues well; I see later down the road in life- him beating his wife.

 7. Instantly in movies, if you see something that says “Love, Dad” you know he’s dead. They can never give gifts when they’re alive. It’s standard movie tradition.

 8. This doesn’t even look like the same Claire’s room while they’re soaking up the snow: the color looks different and the chair is gone.

 9. Why does his mother need a story from him? I hope she doesn’t turn that poor excuse in as a report.

 10. This teacher probably shouldn’t be teaching young children. He has a very dim outlook on life.

 11. “Honey, he can’t treat you like that!” Fucking obviously, that’s why I’m yelling at him. Stay out of this you’re not even his parental figure.

 12. This kid’s gonna be a serial killer. One word: Ritalyn.

 13. Where’s the transition from “real world” to “fantasy world”?

 14. Hope this kid’s got his Tetanus shot after scraping his name onto the side of that rusty-ass boat.

15. I’m surprised he hasn’t died of hypothermia. At least show that he’s freezing. He has to be.

16. His sailing skills are fucking wayyyy better than any other seamen.

 17. Max has done more shit in the last ten minutes than I have ever done in my entire life. Even Bear Grylls would be jealous.

 18. Quit sniffing, do you mind? I feel that’s kind of private.

19. Wow, these creatures are pretty naïve.

 20. KW sounds like a stoner- is she supposed to resemble like, Max’s sister in real life?

21. It’s like hanging out with a whole bunch of team mascots.

22. And no one has found this island before?

 23. They haven’t introduced each other yet at all.

24. I don’t like they’re not explaining the problem between Carol & KW.

25. Obviously they’re not eco-friendly.

26. Just randomly picking this creature’s nose and they haven’t even formally met yet.

27. I hate how they gave KW such a teeny-bopper girl’s voice. It doesn’t fit at all.

 28. Kinda awkward they’re having a full blown conversation under all these people.

 29. Gang bang pile of sleeping, oh, and they went to sleep at like, 2pm.

 30. Well, now I’m confused. You just told me the whole kingdom is mine, but now you’re listing off all the things that aren’t. I’m just a kid dude, don’t make this complicated.

 31. Woah, this island is HUGE- bigass sand dune. I was wondering how they got to Egypt in the preview.

32. The dog part was just random and unnecessary.

33. What’s up with the stories about teeth?

 34. Are those flowers supposed to grow on all those sticks?

 35. So much traveling in this movie, what’s the elapsed time here?

 36. I’m sick of this KW/Carol fight- you know they’re destined to be together.

 37. Dirt clobber- what if they hit that kid with a rock?

 38. Dude, they just throw a huge raccoon?

 39. Teaching kids to dropkick friends and step on heads. This is all o.k. parents.

 40. So he does the robot, poorly, to show that he has powers.

 41. Why doesn’t the kid just try to get the hell outta that place?

 42. He just ripped that bird guy’s arm off and now he’s gone crazy. Morbid.

 43. I thought Max was dirty before- now he’s SUPER gross, hanging out inside her stomach, which I just thought he was going to hop into like, a pouch of hers. I thought maybe she was part kangaroo, but no, he went straight into her stomach.

 44. Wtfing raccoon chillin’ in her stomach.

 45. I just wanna see her regurgitate him– don’t move around too much, you’ll make her upset.

 46. Why even bother at that point, replacing your missing arm with a twig….

 47. That was a lame attempt at Carol’s goodbye.

 48. The wind is coming in towards the beach so he shouldn’t even be going anywhere.

 49. Chocolate cake for running away? Like he’s more or less getting rewarded.

 50. This is definitely not good for children to be seeing because it totally gave off the opposite of what children should be doing.

‘Where the Wild Things Are’ was also very drawn out; superrrrrr slow, so I wanted to fall asleep many times. The trailer made it seem like it was an epic journey filled with happiness and all I got out of this was that monsters are whiny little bitches and kids are allowed to run around and be little assholes. It was very depressing. But I trucker on, for you guys, so you get to read these and not have to go through such crap movies. Altogether this one was FAIL.