50 Reasons Why ‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2’ Sucked

2/Mar/2013

Current Thoughts: I hate spelling the blonde vampire guy’s name.

Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2

• Opened November 16, 2012
• 1 hr 56 min
• PG-13 | Sequences of violence including disturbing images, some sensuality and partial nudity
• Parents: Common Sense Media says OK for kids 14+. More on child suitability
• Bella (Kristen Stewart) awakes — as a vampire — from her life-threatening labor, and her newborn daughter, Renesmee, proves to be very special indeed. While Bella adjusts to her new state of being, Renesmee experiences accelerated growth. When the Volturi learn of the baby’s existence, they declare her to be an abomination and sentence the Cullens to death. Bella, Edward (Robert Pattinson) and the rest of the clan seek help from allies around the world to protect their family. Full synopsis
• Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Peter Facinelli, Elizabeth Reaser,Ashley Greene, Jackson Rathbone, Kellan Lutz, Nikki Reed, Billy Burke, Chaske Spencer,Mackenzie Foy, Maggie Grace
• Director: Bill Condon
• Genres: Romance, Sci-Fi/Fantasy

50 Reasons Why ‘Twilight: Breaking Dawn Part 2’ Sucked

1. Longest intro ever.

2. Makeup is perfect after having a kid.

3. Worst CGI ever of her running through the woods.

4. Deer don’t just stand around grunting.

5. Cat scream.

6. I wonder if Renesmee is going to be a popular kids’ name this year.

7. What’s with all the blue clothing.

8. Computer generated freaky huge baby.

9. Bella sounds like a tranny yelling at Jacob.

10. Nessie? Hell yes I’d rather call her that. Her actual name is retarded.

11. Again, like usual, she has no emotion after getting this getaway home.

12. Renesmee’s room obviously, I’m not going to sleep in a crib. Again with the closet. She has the worst, boring personality.

13. That’s really fucking far to go chopping wood.

14. Oh dammit. I was hoping to go through this last movie without teenage boys ripping their clothes off.

15. Why’s Carlisle’s face so white all the damn time? I mean, it’s obvious makeup.

16. WTF, I can’t take this CGI baby. It’s like I’m watching the SyFy channel, the graphics are so bad.

17. Why couldn’t they fins a little girl that looked like them?

18. Benjamin’s stupid power.

19. My kid would have so much hand sanitizer since all she does is touch people.

20. Irish stereotype.

21. This ‘pup’ needs to go home.

22. Of course, the Russians are rebels.

23. There are wayyyy too many characters introduced at this point.

24. Sucks that it takes so long for this guy to retrack all his black smoke.

25. Bella practicing with a very constipated look.

26. Third times a charm, she’s a quick learner.

27. Why do all the vampire’s even bother with contacts still. They don’t have any human interaction anymore.

28. Black guy looking around. Don’t be too suspicious looking.

29. Non CGI Renesmee is even uglier than the CGI Renesme at Christmas.

30. Oh God, Edward & Carlisle’s intimate talk. I should have known Eddy would have a little bitch moment.

31. You don’t have to yell Car, we can hear you from a mile away just fine.

32. What’d they expect, the girl from Taken was going to pay the consequences.

33. WHAT. Modern technology. This is a pathetic excuse for a fight.

34. This Valtori guy, Aro, & his eccentric gasps.

35. Why run toward them, let them come to you. Waste all that energy. Pfft.

36. Jacob seems like he’s taking his sweet as time running away.

37. There’s a lot of excessive head lobbing going on right now.

38. Thanks hun, for using me as a battering ram.

39. What a cop out, Alice Vision. Ugh.

40. Another pathetic spot in the movie, the Indian Vampire Child.

41. I got my good suit on for this & shit doesn’t even go down.

42. Everybody kiss & make up. Watch everyone.

43. Why’d Jacob leave? He’s supposed to be babysitting all the time, cuz, bro, it’s a wolf thing.

44. ‘Should I call you Dad?’ Dude, gross.

45. I don’t need a recap, I’ve already seen all the other movies.

46. How real are the flowers? I didn’t see any crazy bugs. Everything else in this movie was fake.

47. That was it? What a crappy ending for being so damn hyped up. This shouldn’t be the movie to end a trilogy.

48. Recapping the cast of EVERYONE. Even people that weren’t in this movie.

49. Because I forgot what I was watching, we have the title at the end.

50. Oh my bad. I didn’t talk to anyone you already talked to.

FAIL.

50 Reasons Why ‘Red Dawn’ Sucked

11/Apr/2013

Current Thoughts: Let’s randomly go to Washington, that looks easy.

• Opened November 21, 2012
• 1 hr 33 min
• PG-13 | Intense War Violence, Intense Action and Language
• Parents: Common Sense Media says OK for kids 14+. More on child suitability
• A city in Washington state awakens to the surreal sight of foreign paratroopers dropping from the sky – shockingly, the U.S. has been invaded and their hometown is the initial target. Quickly and without warning, the citizens find themselves prisoners and their town under enemy occupation. Determined to fight back, a group of young patriots seek refuge in the surrounding woods, training and reorganizing themselves into a guerilla group of fighters. Taking inspiration from their high school mascot, they call themselves the Wolverines, banding together to protect one another, liberate their town from its captors, and take back their freedom. Full synopsis
• Cast: Chris Hemsworth, Josh Peck, Adrianne Palicki, Josh Hutcherson, Isabel Lucas, Connor Cruise, Jeffrey Dean Morgan
• Director: Dan Bradley
• Genres: Action/Adventure

50 Reasons Why ‘Red Dawn’ Sucked

1. Whenever you have television/news footage, you have to make it look grainy & shitty even though this is showing modern day stuff & was shot most likely in HD.

2. I’ve already seen three things to show that the mascot is the wolverine. Yes, we get that this is a remake.

3. He doesn’t look like a football player. Too nerdy- like he should be in computer class.

4. Mustang with no head rests.

5. ‘Our families went camping together.’ Then you guys should be acting like you know each other more, not just acquaintances.

6. Thor drinks his beers like he’s taking a shot.

7. ‘What is this?’ ‘I don’t know.’ It looks like a goddamn invasion to me.

8. ‘Next right!’ More like THIS right. And why didn’t you just run those Koreans over?

9. That was a really loud door slam for a freakin’ Humvee.

10. The one guy in the back of the truck that won’t lie down like the other two.

11. Typically Humvee windshields aren’t bulletproof so someone should’ve went through it.

12. Glad that cabin door was wide open for them to conviently enter when first arriving.

13. You can’t leave the ammo in the box?

14. I like the original father death scene more.

15. The Koreans obviously don’t follow the Geneva Conventions…

16. “It’s easy for me ‘cuz I’m used to it.” And I’m Thor. ‘Murica.

17. Already into a training montage.

18. Hell yeah, get me my TEC-9, muthafucka HA!

19. ‘We need to get better weapons.’ No shit, it’s a TEC-9, that shouldn’t have even been in your thought process.

20. Does Josh Hutcherson have to be a little bitch in every role he plays? Is that a pre-requisite?

21. Isn’t this C4? Don’t blasting caps come with it? What’s the point of having that in your vehicle if you don’t have all the parts?

22. ‘You got him.’ (the deer) MY ASS.

23. Sleeping in the mine with such lovely back lighting & over lighting.

24. ‘We’re the bad guys. We create chaos.’ Sounds like Project Mayhem to me…

25. That was a shit ton of C4 on that skateboard.

26. Cho out in the open for the second time & nobody tries to shoot him.

27. They’re like EOD out the ass. Where’d they find all this shit?

28. Why is everyone jamming guns down the backs of their pants/asses? UGH.

29. Brothers bitching at each other outside of the mines in perfect lighting.

30. Really with the mustang bomb, near everyone that is reatrdedly oblivious & you’re making a ton of noise.

31. Just drive the bus?? There ya go, took long enough.

32. These Hummers are getting really fucked up quickly.

33. Matt’s constant shocked face when he finds out the guy friend dies. That jaw.

34. Josh Hutcherson should’ve ended shooting that SAW sooner. He only had like 5 rounds left. Not 50.

35. Matt constantly catching flies as he looks at the girl giving the peace sign.

36. Lighting with Thor & girl on railroad tracks.

37. Aquanet is BADASS. It does have that distinct old lady smell.

38. I don’t know, being in a mineshaft didn’t seem like a very good idea to begin with.

39. Glad I grabbed a blanket on the way out.

40. The brothers sure got cleaned up real quick after being in a mine explosion.

41. ‘Arizona’s a free state.’ Of course it is. Why wouldn’t it be? We’re the only ones doing anything right.

42. One guy dies from one shot even though he has a vest on.

43. ‘No, I’m not leaving you.’ Ugh. Like usual. Just get the goddamn box out.

44. He’s got a good fucking memory for knowing that was his dad’s old room & passcode.

45. I happen to have two open beers right here for you & I.

46. Out of all the cars, THAT’S the one- THAT is your getaway car.

 

 

47. Cut it out of him, it’s an open wound anyway.

48. Squeeze on shoulder. Yeah I’d be disappointed too that I just left my SAW behind.

49. Girls with foundation & bronzer on.

50. I don’t think they’d be allowed to have that flag in the camp. Just sayin’.

FAIL.