Monthly Archives: April 2010
50 Reasons Why ‘Clash of the Titans’ (2010) Sucked
- Opened April 2, 2010 | Runtime:1 hr. 50 min.
- Caught amid a war between the gods, Perseus (Sam Worthington), the son of Zeus (Liam Neeson), is helpless to save his family from Hades (Ralph Fiennes), god of the underworld. With nothing left to lose, Perseus leads a band of warriors on a dangerous quest to prevent Hades from overthrowing the king of the gods and laying waste to the Earth.
- Cast: Sam Worthington, Liam Neeson, Ralph Fiennes, Jason Flemyng, Gemma Arterton
- Director: Louis Leterrier
- Genres: Mythological Fantasy, Fantasy Adventure, Fantasy, Sword-and-Sandal
……? Sword-and-Sandal is a genre?????
So, Mark & I decided to go to a Drive-In theater but all we could choose from was this, ‘Date Movie’, or some shitty little kid’s crap movie. CLASH OF THE TITANS probably shouldn’t be one of those movies you see at a Drive-In. Not with the effects it has in it. Best leave these types of films for an actual theater. Regardless it still sucked. It moved way too fast so you couldn’t really get involved with any of the characters and when there was any action, it only lasted all of 3.5 seconds. Don’t you think CLASH OF THE TITANS is one of those films that always needs to be capitalized? Its so epic sounding it needs to be screamed: CLASH OF THE TITANS!!!!!!!!! But really, it wasn’t that awesome or epic- or anything remotely close to those two words.
Setting up the paper before the movie starts!
Without makeup or a brush- but ready to 50!
50 Reasons Why ‘CLASH OF THE TITANS’ (2010) Sucked ***Drive-In Special Edition***
1. Is that Rachel Weiz’s voice? If not, she’s tring too hard.
2. McCracken?
3. A box from the sea? How is it still alive/breathing?
4. This poor guy, now he has to run a ship AND a baby!
5. Perseus is a terminator in the future…
6. Is this like Waterworld, no land…
7. He’s always cocked back, ready to fire.
8. Now there’s just 2 big feet there. How appealing for anyone planning on moving there in the future.
9. Holy shit, Gods don’t waste any time fighting back.
10. Dude, this family did nothing and he punched through the hull.
11. Woah, didn’t Batman take him out?
12. I wonder how much Spray n’ Shine he goes through in a day…
13. I love Poseidon, he’s always this rolley-polley big guy.
14. And there’s always the one crazy God person with the ‘The end is near!’ bullshit.
15. Talkin’ shit, you’re gonna get hit bitch.
16. Who’s this mystery bitch that keeps poppin’ up.
17. “There’s a demi-God” Zeus: Oh shit, yeah I forgot about that one night….
18. Jesus, that guy’s strong- chuckin’ a coffin like that.
19. “You’re the son of Zeus.” YEAH, I KNOW. I GET IT.
20. I want the R2D2 Owl. What does it do?
21. “It is death who should be afraid of us.” Um, buddy, you’re like a spec of dust to death. I wouldn’t say such things.
22. I like how Perseus brings nothing for their adventure, not even a satchel.
23. Growing stronger? Then what’s with the smoker’s cough?
24. It’s TwoFace in Greek old times. Actually, he looks more like a goat-man.
25. Practice with sword music…
26. Zeus’ Perseus trinket: Even Gods collect action figures.
27. How do I accept this sword? Press X? Swap other sword?
28. “Perseus?” Dude, I’m playin’ with my Pegasus, leave me alone.
29. Bear Grylls doesn’t even run down hills that fast.
30. Scorpions- I’ve seen this in Transformers before.
31. Tropical forest to barren desert in a couple hundred yards.
32. That’s why you should never wear a cape! (stuck under scorpion)
33. what are they, scorpion whisperers? They remind me of Ewoks…
34. No more masturbatin’ with that hand!
35. Is he waiting for the next comet to go over so they can all drink Kool-Aid? Crazy God guy’s at it again!
36. Perseus needs to swallow the pride already, getting very annoying.
37. “Ease your storm.” Oh christ.
38. Anything dealing with the Underworld in any movie is always so dark and dreary. Nobody has been down there and back so why can’t anyone’s take on it be just a tad different than others? What if it’s all happy-go-lucky down there too, just for bad peope that’s all…
39. Only one coin in and none out…. It’s like being on a plane… (Look up South Park’s ‘Golden Rectum of the Gods’ episode if you don’t get this joke…)
40. Pep talk outside of Medusa’s place.
41. So wait, why are they killing her? They explained rather quickly and I wasn’t paying attention… Am I already supposed to know this?
42. Medusa really needs a boob job… They could have made her look so much more badass.
43. He’s like Predator- blew himself up.
44. Sword pops out but it doesn’t suck back up? Loses all of its awesomeness right there. It needs the suck-back-up feature.
45. Horse galloping while it’s flying… AND it has horse shoes. Wtf.
46. McCracken, come out of the water already, you’re starting to bore me with all of this hype.
47. It’s just a big snapping turtle.
48. Wtf, it didn’t even kill anything!
49. You’re looking better, one less hole and all.
50. Awesome movies tell you the title at the end.
Well, at least it got me out of the house. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Avatar’ Sucked
Before I start, lemme just say that it’s actually 78 reasons due to length….
- Opened December 18, 2009 | Runtime:2 hr. 30 min.
- AVATAR takes us to a spectacular world beyond imagination, where a reluctant hero embarks on an epic adventure, ultimately fighting to save the alien world he has learned to call home. James Cameron, the Oscar-winning director of “Titanic,” first conceived the film 15 years ago, when the means to realize his vision did not exist yet. Now, after four years of production, AVATAR, a live action film with a new generation of special effects, delivers a fully immersive cinematic experience of a new kind, where the revolutionary technology invented to make the film disappears into the emotion of the characters and the sweep of the story.
- Cast: Sam Worthington, Zoe Saldana, Sigourney Weaver, Stephen Lang, Michelle Rodriguez, Giovanni Ribisi, Joel David Moore
- Director: James Cameron
- Genres: Sci-Fi Action, Science Fiction
Putting the disc in our dvd player: “I bet our big non-flat screen, un high-def, TV will not show the awesome quality of what this movie promises. We won’t be “taken away” by the hype from the theater version and everyone who doesn’t own a 72in plasma will soon realize that as well.”
There were no previews on the disc for upcoming movies either. This movie is so good that you don’t need to see any other movie.
50 Reasons ‘Avatar’ Sucked
1. Cardboard box coffin…
2. That’s a thin brittle-looking ship.
3. That ship’s awfully close to the atmosphere…
4. Why even bother putting him in a box at that point when they’re just going to burn him?
5. Confusing why they keep flashing back to him watching the body burn…
6. “Special K” make him feel any more retarded.
7. “Look out Hot Rod” Dude, I’m in a wheelchair.
8. Of course, they’re engines. We’re taking their land. We did it before and we’ll do it again.
9. I want carbon fiber bones! Where do you sign up for that?
10. It’s like checking out a car. “I just want to make sure the package is huge.”
11. Why’s the avatar seizuring?
12. So it’s like The Matrix..
13. Unubtanium? Really? You really just called it that? Wow.
14. Ooh burn against Sigourney. A crippled takes his life into his own hands.
15. Of course his avatar legs are the only things he cares bout, selfish bastard.
16. Why are they like, 18ft tall?
17. Is he sweaty or is that like, Ich- like on sick fish?
18. Does he have to sleep now?
19. Can’t this chick ever play a “cute” role?
20. So this wheelchair guy is a door gunner too?
21. He doesn’t want to get it fixed because he wants it to remind him that there’s stuff out there wanting to kill him, it’s because he thinks he looks like a badass.
22. I can’t believe he just put his mecahnical hand on his mechanical hip.
23. Why are all the creatures on this planet blue?
24. Pilot chick wasn’t wearing a mask…
25. Old fashioned M60 mixed with new spaceaged crap.
26. Nothing good ever comes from leaving the group alone.
27. A hammerhead shark mated with a rhino…
28. 2nd day of the program and he’s already outrunning superbeasts.
29. Still using cased ammunition in the far future.
30. So just to be slightly different from The Matrix: if his avatar dies, he doesn’t?
31. A jellyfish stopped her? She’s that much of a treehugger; she didn’t shoot him.
32. These avatars don’t have like, homing beacons?
33. Stupid slow motion.
34. So after she puts out the torch, it suddenly gets bright as fuck in the forest? He didn’t notice that before he started making a torch?
35. She gets emotional anytime a jellyfish shows up.
36. This is so gay. SO GAY.
37. This is like so many other stories… like Pocahontas.
38. I bet there’s people that speak Avatar now. They role play in their parent’s basements.
39. “Father, I see you.” Uh, yeah. I’m right here.”
40. So he came back to his old crippy-self, reports in, then goes back to lalaland? No sleep?
41. So the horsething gets killed, you feel it? That blows, I’d rather walk.
42. The Hallelujah Mountains? Really? That’s not even logically possible. I just looked this up online and apparently the idea came from some mountains in China… which the Chinese just renamed after Avatar. wow.
43. This is the most retarded helicopter ever. It doesn’t make any sense.
44. The intakes on the bird thing are right by her foot. What if it starts breathing pretty heavy? Suck in her foot, like a jet sucking someone up.
45. Montage of learning.
46. “Learn or die” as with anything? Not really her motto, it’s like a known thing, dumbass.
47. It’s called The Circle of Life. We all learned about it in grade school, and this is what the premise of the movie is. People, open your eyes.
48. What if you get all the way up there and there is no Banshee for you?
49. Mark: “After we’re done watching this shit, I’m gonna rip out my wiring harness so I can link up with Liberty.”
50. Of course, the bulldozer guys are Rednecks.
51. She likes to turn into Catwoman anytime she gets pissed.
52. He just punched cripple.
53. I knew snap bracelets would make a comeback!
54. I like how he’s drinking coffee in the cockpit… probably not a good idea.
55. As always, both sides are completely ignorant.
56. Little bit o’ napalm to brighten up the morning.
57. That’s when you shoot her helicopter down.
58. That’d be one massive tremor. Imagine all the toothpicks you could make out of that thing!
59. This music is pretty much just like ‘Enemy at the Gates’.
60. No one wants me in my legless life and no one wants me in my Avatar life.
61. “Trauma kit!” You’re the only one to get it dude. That’s like the medic yelling for a medic.
62. Yeah, rear up Turok, make yourself look even more like a huge d-bag. Oh and wtf Cameron for naming it Turok? I mean “Turuk” one letter off fuckface doesn’t change the fact that you probably stole that idea too. Turok is an epic, story-driven first-person shooter set on a dark, mysterious planet in the future. Ummm hello????They look damn alike in the face!
63. At the holy tree thing; this is no different than a Black church on Sunday.
64. I bet he can get ass anywhere he goes now because of fucking Turuk.
65. He’s like Neo.
66. Nice beaded seat bra. It’s what cabby’s use. It’s just on her chest.
67. Don’t mind the colorful flying objects coming towards you.
68. I bet it barely turns its head to veer left or right, that head rudder, man.
69. Those must be whisper mics.
70. I like how she makes those cat/bird noises every time she lets an arrow go.
71. The dumbass things the gunners say, “Get some!”
72. Omg, she has stripes on her helicopter… and on her.
73. He’s a real American Hero.
74. This is actually happening. Avatar vs. big ass machine. *facepalm*
75. Hising at him after shooting arrows. So intimidating.
76. Wow, the sizing is odd and awkward.
77. He’s got a tribal tattoo, that makes him a real Indian.
78. Good movies always have the title at the end, as you know from previous movies we’ve reviewed…
FAIL.
Seriously guys, if you really think you have a good reason as to why this was a decent movie, please, I’m DYING to hear it. Let me know, I’m open for discussion! Until then, here’s the trailer for the upcoming sequel to Avatar:
50 Reasons Why ‘Sherlock Holmes’ Sucked
- Opened December 25, 2009 | Runtime:2 hr. 14 min.
- In a dynamic new portrayal of Arthur Conan Doyle’s most famous characters, Sherlock Holmes and his stalwart partner Watson embark on their latest challenge. Revealing fighting skills as lethal as his legendary intellect, Holmes battles as never before to bring down a new nemesis and unravel a deadly plot that could destroy the country.
- Cast: Robert Downey, Jr., Jude Law, Rachel McAdams, Mark Strong, Eddie Marsan, Kelly Reilly
- Director: Guy Ritchie
- Genres: Action Thriller, Detective Film, Action, Mystery
There’s so much commotion going on in this movie and then to just make up a bunch of bullshit at the end to have you believe what went on throughout the movie was just retarded.
50 Reasons Why ‘Sherlock Holmes’ Sucked
1. Really? They put company logos in the cobblestone? Not quirky, trying too hard to be inventive in opening credits.
2. That horse would NOT be pulling my carriage if it’s rearing up like that.
3. Why can’t they ever just be solving crimes? Always this weird witchcraft shit.
4. Did they ever think maybe ths girl WANTED to do that?
5. Sherlock mumbles wayyyy too much.
6. Why would she ask the detective to figure her out if she has personal issues that she doesn’t want people talking about? That’s just asking for drama.
7. Pike music to fighting.
8. Annoying how he’s going to tell the audience what he’s going to do before he does it because it draws on for so long explaining what he’s going to do.
9. Are they totally gay for each other?
10. Something’s going to happen later on with that bridge…
11. Did Blackwood just shove something up Sherlock’s ass? Why’d Sherlock freeze with that look when Blackwood popped up behind him?
12. Blackwood doing Black Magik.
13. PG13 and there’s a hanging in this. Why even rate movies anymore?
14. “That is the end of Blackwood.” No, I think not, or that would be the end of this movie.
15. She’s bustin nuts in her hand. Supposed to rile guys up or what? She’s not hot. Not with all those moles and mouse nose.
16. They put a fart joke in from the dog. I bet people in the theater laughed.
17. Is he invisible? Kevin Bacon?
18. “You’re taking this seriously?” Well, yeah. There’s a cop in our apartment.
19. How hard is it to say “catatonic”?
20. If I was a detective I’d fuck with so many people just by holding like a grapefruit or something and examining it very closely for 5 minutes and then go “AH HA!” and move to something completely different.
21. “When the dead walk, the livng will fill these coffins.” Um.. ok. Thanks for that motivational.
22. His toolkit… A little extensive. I’d hate to have to roll that thing up every time I was done.
23. Ginger midget- they keep calling him that. It wasn’t even funny to begin with. It was slightly amusing but now it’s just over used.
24. I love that Sherlock never punches, he only bitch slaps.
25. Random French.
26. Watson barely even looked for the engagement ring. He poked on the ground for about a second.
27. Three of those wooden poles have blown out and it’s already shaken the integrity of the boat. Maybe someone should look into not hiring Mexicans to build things.
28. Honestly, it looked like if he continued to sit there as it was coming towards him, it would have missed him. So much drama.
29. More bromance.
30. Younger guy is totally part of the bad guy group.
31. What is she doing with that fucking robe? Just put it on already.
32. Is he burning in the tub? Where’s the steam?
33. Blackwood always accompanied by a Black Bird.
34. Why, knowing his powers, stand against him?
35. This is like Bad Boys II but in old times. One trying to get out of the business while the other is way over the top.
36. Revelations 1:18 but this is witch craft…. huh?
37. That was dramatic.
38. None of them should be alive after that shit, let alone have eyebrows.
39. Bromance.
40. “There isn’t any time to waste then, is there?” The previews weren’t all smokey at this part when he said it.
41. So this whole thing, really, is Blackwood just trying to become president?
42. Everyone back in old times were super smart chemists, look at her go!
43. “Relax, I’m a doctor.”
44. I’m surprised it took Parliment that long to grab that guy.
45. Bitch has AWESOME balance not to fall right away frm Blackwood.
46. Dramatic noise with every lowering of the rope.
47. “For God sakes Holmes and your Scooby Doo bullshit ending!”
48. That’s just morbid.
49. Talking about stuff people don’t really care about.
50. Go for dog, Case reopened, Movie over. Ended very oddly.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Ninja Assassin’ Sucked
- Opened November 25, 2009 | Runtime:1 hr. 39 min.
- Trained in methods of killing from an early age, Raizo (Rain) is a member of the secret clan of assassins known as the Ozunu. After the Ozunu kill his friend, however, Raizo breaks free from them and vanishes. Meanwhile, Interpol agent Mika Coretti (Naomie Harris) discovers a money trail linking the the group to murders. Raizo saves Mika from his former comrades and joins forces with her to bring down the Ozunu forever.
- Cast: Rain, Naomie Harris, Ben Miles, Rick Yune, Sho Kosugi
- Director: James McTeigue
- Genres: Action Thriller, Martial Arts, Action
I don’t know if they were trying too hard to make this B-rated looking but wtf was up with the stop-sign red splashy blood everywhere? Really? Was it that necessary? Don’t get me wrong I LOVE BLOOD, but that was just tacky.
50 Reasons Why ‘Ninja Assassin’ Sucked
1. So, before we get into this movie, lemme just get this straight- if you’re a “ninja assassin”, aren’t you essentially just another ninja? It’s like saying ‘ninja ninja’. So this should be called ‘Ninja vs. More Ninjas’? Only other ninjas can kill ninjas, so this should just be called ‘Ninja Wars’, right?
2. All old Asian men are intellectual and very deep.
3. A Desert Eagle, Oh Christ.
4. Holy fucking Jesus fucking ass blood! Totally did not know this movie was gonna swing this way with the gore factor.
5. All I’m thinking is, “Ima ninja, Ima a hoodie ninja!” Sorry, MC Chris ADD. Anyways, back to the movie…
6. Those Desert Eagles should’ve been way out by now.
7. Why kill the old man?
8. How is she allowed to be in Berlin. *Oooh burn*
9. I’m so not even paying attention to this conversation. Not interested.
10. Is there not anyone in this laundromat?
11. Bucket of red paint in the dryer?
12. He’s friends with the KGB? This would never happen in Berlin!
13. I don’t know how Asians can fight, they have such tunnel vision (Mark squinting his eyes “I can barely see the cat 2 feet in front of me like this”)
14. I remember Leonidas this young and learning to fight just like this.
15. She has a foot fetish.
16. Wristwatch.
17. “Problems for his career like Moses caused problems for the pharaoh.” Horrible analogy. That was just wow and random.
18. Chick going through stuff while this is going through her head: “picture of ninja, a scroll, ninja writing, video” Such a drone.
19. Montage of ninja training.
20. How did the car running over boards remind him of that girl?
21. Their hearts are having sex?
22.You’re like a hummingbird right now injecting her with fluids. Just let her drink out of the straw, it’s that easy.
23. Kittycomb? That’s her name?
24. What are you going to say when you get back inside? The roof was leaking on me?
25. Are you crying? It’s raining, I can’t tell.
26. It’s a Larsen, it won’t work. Give her a crap gun.
27. What if you don’t open the black sand letter? Do you still die?
28. Keep the light out of their eyes! They’re busy fighting!
29. You know what would be really fucked up? THREE ninjas. That would confuse the hell out of the first two. Their brains might explode.
30. “Following our scent like dogs?” “Like wolves.” Well, uh, wolves and dogs are pretty much the same thing, don’t be a fuckface towards her.
31. First kill- very unninja like.
32. Anther one tried running away? Freakin’ quit picking out girls then!
33. “This is for our scent, right?” *facepalm*
34. All the lights on the ninja, like a photoshoot.
35. “Shiza” the ONLY person in this movie so far to finally say something in German when this whole movie takes place in goddamned Germany.
36. I just don’t know why when there are multiple ninjas sneaking around they get all whispery to each other. So stupid.
37. Epic music every time he jumps.
38. Ninjas really do this out in public?
39. His torso just swiveled around WTF, Am I the only one that saw that??
40. Obvious car at the motel is obvious.
41. “I know you can’t hear me,” You’re right next to him and he’s not dead, how wouldn’t he hear you????
42. Hand symbols: “bang bang… vagina… blown out vagina…” (I look over and Mark is making a flying bird with his hands)
43. Ninjas can’t dodge rockets… or bullets.
44. Hey, Johnny Tran! Where’s your S2000?
45. Seriously this hut would have been all up in flames and burnt down by now.
46. “Do you remember the sound she made when I stuck her?” (Do I really need to comment on that?)
47. It’s about goddamned time the Hindenburg building went up!
48. Epic flames in background and boss ninja bad guy darts in and out of vision. I just want to see him reappear and pop back in with a latte.
49. Jesus Christ, gushy sounds.
50. Spikes flew out in the credits.
FAIL.
Here, now all of you can get it stuck in your head too!
50 Reasons Why ‘Train’ (2008) Sucked
12/Apr/2010
Current Mood: highfalutin
A group of collegiate American wrestlers encounter a cunning killer while riding the rails though Eastern Europe. When Alex (Thora Birch) and the athletes party so hard that they miss the train to Odessa, a kindly stranger suggests that they take an alternate route. With no other options, the hung-over group boards the next train and hopes for the best. But these weary travelers may never make it to their destination alive, because somewhere on that train lurks a ruthless killer, and tonight he’s out for blood. ~ Jason Buchanan, All Movie Guide
Wow, that’s actually kind of misleading… This is what Mark said after watching it: “If this was called ‘Moving Hostel’ or ‘Hostel on wheels’ nobody would have seen it.
50 Reasons Why ‘Train’ (2008) Sucked
1. Mmm, tasty. Same intro as Hostel…
2. If that is a guy, he shaves really gay! Yep, it is a dude.
3. Nobody bleeds like that after death…
4. I wonder if there are trains in this. So many flashes of trains.
5. Seriously, knuckles to the back.
6. I knew all wrestlers were gay.
7. It took you that long to figure out that was weed.
8. Evil train. Blow steam. Check. Why’s she all skeptical about this train anyways?
9. The Shanman is in Russia at a party! Wow, look at that rocker hair all over the place! Wait a minute… Of course it’s Shanman at a party, why should I be so shocked?
10. I knew it, he only likes guys.
11. There is always one dumb bitch in the group.
12. Odessa- how doe no one in Russia know where that is??????
13. Does this look like a ship? Looks like a train, douche.
14. Why is it always the stereotypical Russian/Ukranian that has to wear a horizontal striped shirt and is really grungy? I guess as Americans, we always portray other countries as grungy.
15. Girl is fucking stupid, falling for ‘passport issue’ and hands it right over.
16. Puking but all of a sudden not sick when she hears a noise and has to investigate.
17.Wash my hands and then my face with dirty water.
18. I don’t understand how this train is jostling around so much. Harry Potter’s train doesn’t so this much bouncing around.
19. This coach acts like he’s 15 around this chick.
20. Why can’t they ever have clean coats?
21. Gotta taste the intestines to make sure they’re fresh.
22. Can you still yell without a tounge?
23. Should’ve worn shoes. Well, your Chinese tattoo should give you strength on that one arm at least.
24. Because he speaks English.
25. “You don’t want to do this.” Uh, yes, yes I do.
26. Small pathetic jabs at guy instead of strikes.
27. Did the camera guy just get really drunk?
28. I’ve always wanted a blue eye, now my collection is complete.
29. It’s a train people, not a goddamned Disneyland. There are only so many people on it.
30. Flip the box over at least before looking in that gloryhole. Make it more stable.
31. Stitchin’ up the guy: his theme song is “Workin’ at the Car Wash”
32. Why is there like, a chain link fence in this room on the train? What is that, the evidence room?
33. Burnt part of the passport she found… yeah, I don’t think that will pass through Customs.
34. “Is that blood?” Wow, you had to question that.
35. She must’ve had some problems in her childhood involving hooks if she’s flipping out by just looking at them.
36. They must’ve all been on a lunch break.
37. “Not through the train, I don’t want people seeing it.” What do you want me to go underneath with this body?
38. I thought her face and jaw were just fucked I didn’t know her feet were broken.
39. This fat bald guy a ninja or what?
40. I wonder what they expect to catch with her, she’s a big piece of bait with that hook in here.
41. Why would you take your scarf/hat thing off? You’re not laying low at all.
42. Ooh, a rotary phone, that’s gonna take awhile, especially being out of the country.
43. “To see if we’re going in the right direction.” How? You have no map, you’ve never been there before, and it’s not like there’s a help desk in the middle of the woods.
44. Bad dubbed crying- and the footstep sounds were off from the actual walking too.
45. Use that huge cranium of yours to find your way out of this. Christ, Thora’s forehead is huge.
46. Quiet steam engine.
47. He’s pushing two whole train carts.
48. Where’d the 2 carts go? He got his hands chopped off but the train kept going.
49 Think about the problems you would have after this: Foreign country, No passport, On a train that you just torched, On a bridge, With a smoldering carcass… Yeah… I can see some isses there.
50. I’d never wrestle again. I’d write a book and teach killing classes.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 