Monthly Archives: January 2012
50 Reasons Why ‘Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark’ Sucked
22/Jan/2012
Current Thoughts: Oh shit, my power just went out…
- Opened August 26, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr. 39 min.
- Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 16+. Read More
- Based on the 1973 telefilm that del Toro believes is the scariest TV production ever made, the story follows Sally (Madison), a young girl who moves to Rhode Island to live with her father (Pearce) and his new girlfriend (Holmes) in the 19th Century mansion they are restoring. While exploring the house, Sally starts to hear voices coming from creatures in the basement whose hidden agenda is to claim her as one of their own.
- Cast: Guy Pearce, Katie Holmes, Bailee Madison, Jack Thompson, Alan Dale
- Director: Troy Nixey
- Genres: Horror, Suspense/Thriller
50 Reasons Why ‘Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark’ Sucked
1. Why didn’t you answer the maid the first time she called for you?
2. I thought it was night time, why is there so much light down there?
3. It’s a little weird to have your ex-wife as your number 1 on your phone.
4. “Wanna try?” Swinging on the bookshelf, because that’s good parenting.
5. “That’s mine, it was my grandmother’s.” Then don’t leave your shit everywhere.
6. “Come live here with Kim & Me” …Ugh. Kim & I.
7. “I want to go to bed now.” This shit has already got to stop. Fucking whiny kid.
8. “I’m the evil step mother.” Why would she even think that, there’s no reason.
9. What is floating in the air? It’s wintery/fall & wet as shit with misty steam down here. It can’t be pollen.
10. How did she know to look there of all places?
11. How did they not know about this basement when he’s an architect & has the plans & old docs on this house?
12. “Be careful Sally” Letting the kid go down there first, seriously, without knowing what’s down there.
13. “That must be the garden window.” NO SHIT.
14. Ash pit obsession. I see wind go through; I don’t think anything of it.
15. I like how he said it’s welded on there & she’s currently wrenching them off.
16. That wrench wouldn’t stay on there while she’s kicking it.
17. Dad didn’t hear the door fall off & slam on the ground?
18. Any other kid would have grabbed the dish & shown their parents.
19. How old is this girl? Always the same expression too. Close your mouth. She never lose her baby fat?
20. “Turn out the lights” in the creepy voice. SO SHE DOES IT. Any other kid would be already balling at this point.
21. Why would they shred Kim’s clothes?
22. Folding robe, walking to vent to ask little gremlins about Kim’s clothes: Look at how massive her hands are.
23. She didn’t hear him come downstairs.
24. Why does everyone want to help Ms. Underhill so much, the old lady. Maybe she shouldn’t be working.
25. This guy seems so weak.
26. Don’t look child, but I’m going to hold your head in his direction.
27. In the garden? Why would you leave her alone?
28. How is anyone believing this was an accident when he had scissors sticking out of his shoulder?
29. You imported Koi? You know you can buy that shit at your local Petsmart…
30. Kim’s just bailing instead of getting brownie points for staying there all night long.
31. You see something crawling towards you under the sheets & you do not own a cat- therefore you smash it with the flashlight. You DO NOT crawl under there to meet it.
32. What’d she watch ‘The Ring’ too? What’s with drawing circles all the time?
33. When in doubt, medicate your child.
34. The stop sign the guy is holding is round but they are in The US…. Or say they say….
35. Taking her long enough to get out of the bathtub. At least turn the light back on.
36. You are going to give that old lady a heart attack.
37. Why won’t Kim just ask, “Hey are they little gnome things?”
38. Why is Sally sitting in the center of everyone at the dinner table? Weird.
39. I take photos for a living; I know that flash is done for. You can only take like 10 photos with that thing.
40. “What’s going on in there?!” Seriously Kim. Like anyone else can answer that. She takes first place for ‘Tard’ in this movie.
41. Show them the body!
42. Even at full speed, those little guys couldn’t take him down by tying a rope around his legs. It might have made him trip or fall on his ass, but not make him slam his head on the ground.
43. It’s supposed to be dark & rainy, wtf is this heavenly light in the main foyer?
44. At least this house has a shit ton of flashlights everywhere.
45. Expecto Patronum!!
46. I don’t understand why it’s looped around her legs.
47. And now it’s daylight in the basement as they hug each other.
48. He doesn’t try hand over fist to try & find her, even if he knows she’s dead? You don’t investigate that shit???
49. What a convenient draft for that drawing.
50.So why does the new-turned gnome get to be the leader? You’d think the newbie would be the slave.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Abduction’ Sucked
18/Jan/2012
Current Thoughts: Karen needs to pick a profession other than acting…
- Opened September 23, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr. 46 min.
- Information for parents: Common Sense Media says OK for kids 14+. Read More
- A youth (Taylor Lautner) discovers the parents who raised him aren’t his real folks, a revelation that triggers events and leaves him running for his life.
- Cast: Taylor Lautner, Alfred Molina, Antonique Smith, Maria Bello, Jason Isaacs
- Director: John Singleton
- Genres: Suspense/Thriller
50 Reasons Why ‘Abduction’ Sucked
1. “Dude, you’re crazy.” Yes I am because this is seriously the only entertaining thing here in Pennsylvania.
2. Wow, eyebrows.
3. Make it super immature/awkward while walking by each other.
4. Getting drunk at the same party? This party is still going? I’d so be going somewhere else. You never stay at a party the WHOLE time.
5. His mother is blonde & white. Dad is super white too. This never went through his head before that he’s super Indian looking & they aren’t?
6. “Good game.” Don’t be a punkass, high five him.
7. You can tell he was totally wearing a chest guard.
8. He doesn’t even have a bead of sweat.
9. I don’t get why in movies they always show the drying of dishes. Because it’s not the end of the task when they are going to shove it into the dishwasher anyway.
10. Ooh, the mailbox hit. That sure showed you.
11. He’s always creepin’.
12. “I still have the dreams.” So then you don’t have insomnia.
13. Not typical high school wrestling attire.
14. Random shitty music spurts.
15. He has an Aprella but he can’t afford a bigger TV.
16. “You still like games.” Uh yeah, you know what the age group for MW3 is?
17. “Close it please.” Weird zoom out.
18. He’s “scrolling” on his laptop & the screen’s not even moving.
19. Not going to walk her downstairs? No etiquette whatsoever & he supposedly likes her.
20. Why would they still have his kid clothes?
21. “Be back for dinner.” What the fuck time is it???
22. Who still names their kid Karen? That’s such a 50’s name.
23. This project just got REALZ.
24. Why would he need his birth certificate for a fake ID?
25. That birth certificate isn’t even correct for Pennsylvania.
26. I have a ton of photos with people cropped out of them.
27. WTF is dad doing with a carpeting hammer on his lawnmower?
28. A double sided kick would really work well but the side effects of landing on your side would really suck. There are better ways of kicking someone’s ass.
29. Why hasn’t anyone called the cops yet?
30. You have to be 21 to not wear a helmet in Pennsylvania.
31. Ha, the horrible green screen of them on his bike.
32. Vladimir Putin’s shitty tattoo, they must’ve run out of money for a good makeup artist, to make it look somewhat real.
33. Why was he connected to the CIA without him explaining who he is or why he’s calling?
34. How can he possibly remember that address under those circumstances going on?
35. If it is moonlight, why are their faces so lit up in a warm way?
36. I like how “eyebrows” still has all her makeup perfect.
37. What the hell is he doing with that steering wheel???? That’s a damn sloppy ///M Series.
38. Their shadows change sizes when they’re getting their IDs.
39. “So hungry; he might like that.” I talk out loud to myself a lot too.
40. CGI breaking of glass.
41. Taking long enough for everyone to respond to two snipers going down.
42. Their cups keep changing in the diner.
43. Horrible cinematography of them in the truck.
44. His chair would have flipped up to show the gun.
45. Either they’re talking that low to each other or everyone around them can totally hear that conversation.
46. He cocked the hammer, but it wasn’t cocked when it was on the ground.
47. I love how they just scooped up the body & everybody’s like happy day.
48. Dad’s mouth/face is super white & the visions of his mother are white too so was he adopted by them too? This still doesn’t explain why he’s so dark.
49. “I’ll have him home.” You don’t even know her address, unless she lives at that shrink office.
50. Yesterday she’s in the hospital with bruises & shit on her arm, but apparently she’s got super healing powers because it’s all gone.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 