Monthly Archives: January 2010
The List of 50’s (Part 2)
That first list was getting sort of long and I’m trying to make you guys not have to scroll as much so here is Part 2 of reviews:
52. War (2007)
54. Where The Wild Things Are (2009)
55. Whiteout (2009)
57. Moon (2009)
59. The Box (2009)
60. Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever (2009)
62. G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra (2009)
63. The Craft (1996)
68. Boondock Saints II: All Saints Day (2009)
69. Brothers (2009)
71. Train (2008)
74. Avatar (2009)
75. Clash of the Titans (2010)
76. The Vampire’s Assistant (2009)
78. Dear John (2010)
80. Twilight Saga: Eclipse (2010)
81. Legion (2010)
83. Repo Men (2010)
84. The Lord of the Rings: The Fellowship of the Ring (2001)
85. The Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers (2002)
86. The Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King (2003)
87. The Human Centipede (2010)
88. Piranha (1978)
90. A Nightmare on Elm Street (2010)
91. Prince of Persia: Sands of Time (2010)
92. Predators (2010)
93. Mirrors (2008)
95. Jaws (1975)
96. Jaws 2 (1978)
97. Jaws 3 (1983)
99. Jurassic Park: The Lost World (1997)
And as always, if you want to see a movie up on my list, let me know =]
50 Reasons Why ‘District 9’ Sucked
Current Mood: Tweakin’ out
This just reminded me a lot of ‘The Fly’. That movie is better. See that instead. I’m sick of these documentary-style films as well. It’s way too overused nowadays. Here’s what Fandango.com had to put for the synopsis:
Aliens become refugees in South Africa where they are kept isolated from any human contact. While contained in the refuge being ignored of their welfare, their weapons become the sole interest of Mulit-National United (MNU). But only one man, Wilkus van der Merwe, can activate these weapons. He becomes hunted for and only one place can give him refuge, District 9.
Umm, I’ve seen this movie before and even getting a better grasp on the concept, I’m pretty sure that’s NOT what the movie is fully about, but whatevs. Fandango.com can put whatever.
(Btw, I’m just going to randomly put pictures from the film throughout this 50, not under any particular number.)
50 Reasons Why ‘District 9’ Sucked
1. When the humans first boarded the ship they didn’t bring any weapons or defense as a precaution.
2. I don’t understand all the signs when the aliens can’t come out of District 9 anyways.
3. Why District 9? Why not District 1?
4. I don’t know how they get off having human rights or that they even need to sign eviction notices.
5. Why the fuck does Wilkus have a calculator on his vest?
6. It’s supposed to be a documentary, yet we’re seeing the Alien’s story.
7. That’s what he gets for grabbing alien shit without gloves and fucking with it.
8. The alien’s name is Christopher Johnson? Why?
9. So they have super advanced weapons but allow themselves to be herded into shanty/town/concentration camps?
10. Flinging puke everywhere.
11. So if you get sprayed with black stuff- black stuff comes out of you.
12. He already has a cast on but he didn’t get checked out for anything else?
13. Why would check and rip your other nails if one just fell off? Ow.
14. All of this Nigerian voodoo eating prawn because it’ll give you powers… if it hasn’t worked yet then why would they keep trying and saying that it does?
15. Fucking his cake is the shape and design of a building.
16. I like how he tries to clean up the cake after he puked all over it.
17. So the doctor was just holding an oxygen mask over Wilkus’ face but now it’s all of a sudden strapped to him.
18. Why wouldn’t he just shoot instead of getting zapped? Just play guinea pig for them. I mean, I understand not at a prawn, but he wouldn’t even do it to a dead pig.
19. He’s never been in that building before but damn he sure can get out of it.
20. Dude, he’s like British or whatever, it doesn’t matter if he’s losing his teeth.
21. Why would he even think cutting off his tentacle was a good idea?
22. He didn’t even do it- he just chopped a finger. God, all or nothing dude.
23. Obviously, since Wilkus is copying David Cronenberg-esquire ‘The Fly’ transformation, we already know what’s going to happen now. Alienation (no pun intended) Lame. Somebody make an original NEW plot, please.
24. Wilkus is bitching about going to MNU to get the fluid as if he has a choice. Either die or turn into one of those things. What fucking other option do you have?
25. Why’s he pulling his skin off? He just looks like a tweaker right now.
26. I like how the only person who calls that phone is stole is his wife, not like, the guy who owns it or his friends.
27. Zebra-painted trucks, now leopard-painted trucks.
28. I’m getting totally sick of this shaky-cam. Can we move on from it please?
29. What’s a mzungo? Derogative in Nigerian?
30. I bet that gun malfunctions a lot. The one that rotates in the front and looks kinda like a hair dryer.
31. Why the fuck did he open his vest after he just got shot at?
32. I love how that lab had the two perfect components for the Alien to make a bomb in 2.5 seconds.
33. Put your hands in goop to start ship.
34. Colonel threatening to kill ‘Christopher’ a bunch but he never does.
35. Haha, mini ship is run by a Dell. No wonder they didn’t get that far.
36. Why didn’t that APC just go through that burning car? Wtf.
37. For being operators and extracting someone, you’d think they’d have more backup than this.
38. As soon as that ship went off in real life they would have like, ARMIES surrounding District 9.
39. Shooting at machine, still shooting, it’s gathering all of their rounds, and they are still dumb enough to keep shooting even thought it’s not harming the machine at all.
40. Why would the machine hurt you as an Alien when you strap into it?
41. So wait, why couldn’t they move the big ship before?
42. Is this strap in machine made out of shitty fucking materials or what, he’s getting his ass kicked. That’s almost as bad as going out without any armor at all.
43. Typical alien levitation beam.
44. The machine is spewing all sorts of black shit, supposed to be oil?
45. That mini ship is STILL getting beamed up.
46. Yeah, NOW the other prawn are showing up to help after it’s all pretty much over with.
47. What are the numbers on the sides of the alien’s heads? Tattoos?
48. Mothership’s controls. It’s like an iPod Touch.
49. People are all applauding and shit because the mothership is leaving but they’re not realizing it’s carrying only 2 out of 1.8 MILLION prawn still chillin’ on Earth.
50. Wait, if that ship broke down a long time ago and these aliens are supposedly super advanced and smart hwy the fuck did they let themselves travel that far and run out of fuel in the first place? And why didn’t any other ship come to rescue them?
I don’t understand how soooooo many people like this movie. Way too easily amused, I guess. Maybe from all of the other shitty movies out there your entertainment level value has dropped? Who knows. But this movie was FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Jennifer’s Body’ Sucked
Current Mood: “Freaktarded”
K, so girl gets possessed and starts eating guys. Her best friend finds out what’s goin’ on and tries to stop her. That’s what I got out of it. With the production team from Juno, no wonder this is a 50…
50 Reasons Why ‘Jennifer’s Body’ Sucked
1. Who wears leggings like that, seriously.
2. What’s a “chester”?
3. Someone over in Germany is goin’, “Where do all these goddamn balls come from?!”
4. “Lesbegay”- is that the new word for dyke? I don’t like all this ‘hip’ lingo.
5. You can tell how old this movie is because they said ‘Myspace’.
6. “Salty” means beautiful… I would think it means like, sweaty, or something.
7. She makes it seem like a Seabring is cool.
8. They’re all stylish and shit.
9. Blonde’s got super-hearing to be able to hear the band talking on the other side of the room.
10.How’d that fire start? Was everyone doused in gasoline when they walked in?
11. “Skinny and evil like these petrified trees I saw when I was a kid.” Fucking emo.
12. How’d she get home? Seabring? Jennifer had the keys.
13. Goddamn eerie house, leaky faucet, & drafty doors.
14. Wow, you normally shouldn’t eat tar.
15. The thoughts of calling 911 still haven’t crossed her mind.
16. What are there tacks doing in that sandbox?
17. Swifer can’t pick up tar.
18. Bout time the camera got to the other side of the football field…
19. So she got consumed by the devil or some shit? Why were all the animals surrounding them?
20. She left the other half of the sandwich on the ground.
21. Megan Fox is so manly, so broad, omg her shoulders are so hairy.
22. Zombie mannequin robot. Yeah, I think we get it.
23. “Freaktarded”- can they make up any MORE stupid words in this movie?
24. How do they have a Super Target but not more than one bar?
25. If I go down this strip of homes and see the shitty homes with one light on, I would have texted back and questioned there whereabouts of her home.
26. “You give me such a ‘wettie’.” No need to comment. You get it.
27. Are we watching their first time?
28. How is Blondie seeing this crazy shit?
29. Not a good thing running out of the house and away like that after having sex. That poor guy is gonna be scarred and think it’s all him.
30. Is she driving a diesel? A diesel Rio? Wtf, that’s what it sounds like, Jesus.
31. The color palette and patterns they used for Blondie’s house, my god.
32. Cricket noises in her room…
33. She’s all freaked out by Jennifer but they’re about to scissor.
34. Always one guy in the group skeptical about killing someone.
35. So the whole premise of this movie is because some band wanted to be famous?
36. He wipes the blade on his chest…
37. Why does Blondie insist on wearing shit that makes her look 40?
38. They have a Cheesecake Factory? And no bar?
39. I’ve never seen underwear on a boy like that.
40. She’s the only one stuck in the 80’s with that dress.
41. How does she know that Chip’s in trouble? Who names their fucking kid Chip nowadays?
42. God, the city pool really needs to get some maintenance.
43. Everyone cuts through woods in this movie.
44. Pepperspray stops demons?
45. That pool cleaner is the sharpest pool cleaner ever, sharper than most knives.
46. “You have a tampon? You seem like you might be pluggin’.” Wow. It’s reached a whole other level of retardedness.
47. Smash that phone on the ground. Yeah, that’ll make it work.
48. “You know what this is for- cutting boxes!” Ok….. *raises eyebrow*
49. Epic hover-over-bed-battle.
50. Why walk and barge through a fence when you can just fly?
I see that this was meant for more teen-adults, but goddamn that was too much spewed at me; too much trying to be quirky. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘War’ Sucked
Current Mood: trigger-happy
I think Jason Statham should really read into the scripts before just taking any role he can get. I mean, he has been in a few really good films but that doesn’t make up for the countless others he’s been in. ‘War’ is another one of these shitty films.
After his partner and family are apparently killed by an infamous assassin named “Rogue”, Chev Chelious becomes obsessed with revenge. Rogue returns and starts a retarded ‘war’ between two rival Asian gangs. During all this Chev finds out a “shocker” about Rogue.
50 Reasons Why ‘War’ Sucked
1. I bet Jason Statham needs other things to suck on… other than cigarettes.
2. Hang out nonchalantly then walk into the fiery dock.
3. Almost a chicken wing walking with his gun, arms all cocked out.
4. Finger’s on trigger yet not shooting.
5. I shoot you in the foot- for class.
6. I like how it’s raining behind them but not on them.
7. So Jason Statham knows Japanese… or he read the subtitles.
8. Looking at picture so he remembers who to kill.
9. He likes to walk; that’s why he parked so far away.
10. Why’s he drawing a bath right before Jason Statham is supposed to show up?
11. Christ, wake up! Don’t mind me pushing on your hurt arm.
12. One Heineken knocked him out.
13. Don’t mind us, we pull right up to the crime scene.
14. That round he just looked at is a 5.7x28mm even though he shot them with a 9mm…
15. If I cut the lines out of the camera pointed at the dance floor it will really matter.
16. The big Jap guy that was closest to the bomb that went off is the only one left alive in that room. Wtf.
17. “Back of the bus” Isn’t that where you’re supposed to be, oh snap.
18. Wrong magazine for the gun, again, 5.7 which is too big for a 9mm.
19. How do you cut off someone’s ear without like, getting them in the shoulder or arm as well?
20. “Compliments of Mr. Chang” Alright, can you go make me a sandwich?
21. “Shot in the back execution style.” No shit, that’s some really difficult detective work right there.
22. This bathroom door is the shit.
23. Oddly, the black guy is the only one in this movie so far that knows how to properly hold a gun.
24. There are other ways of getting my attention like “hey”, not chucking a knife at me.
25. I wonder if a Chinese accent comes through on a voice changer…
26. Wasn’t a cabin in the woods dude, it was really just a trailer.
27. Shooting montage. God, I hate montages.
28. Haha, during this montage a guy walks by, 2 seconds later he walks by again coming from the same direction.
29. “Stay away from Anna.” Dude, your kid came up to me, wtf.
30. They would have caught up to him on those bikes like 4x already and blown by.
31. Goddamn, another dead partner. I wouldn’t wanna work with him.
32. The chef even came out to join in the fight.
33. First of all, even though the Chevelle has more hp- it totally wouldn’t be able to outhandle this exotic.
34. This is supposed to be a super fast paced car chase but there is a silver bug following them this whole time.
35. Somehow the Chevelle’s license plate just went missing.
36. Freakin’ Spyker C8 Spyder… those are like, nearly $300k. maybe he’s the world’s greatest assassin to be paid enough to not care about his Spyker, driving all dangerous-like.
37. Horrible green screen.
38. Good, that Jap bitch needs to be toned down a bit.
39. “Fate?” What, you don’t know what the term “fate” means?
40. Ninjas. Sweet. Wait, no, nvm. Ninjas are never truly revealed.
41. Yep. Definitely not real ninjas. They’re all dead.
42. Yakuza leader’s watch must be gianormous because of his squinty eyes.
43. Thanks for the history lesson but frankly, I don’t care.
44. I don’t like the swinging mirror fighting, can’t tell wtf is going on. That doesn’t make it any more dramatic.
45. That guy just got a… rim job…haha, get it? Yeah, lame.
46. I think we’ve got the flashback of Tom & family dying enough already.
47. What was Jason doin’ just hangin’ out in the middle of a playground?
48. Real gold horse and that chick just whipped the box around as if it were light as a feather.
49. I don’t think I’d be destroying the structural integrity of this dock if I was in it.
50. That trailer house must’ve been on a huge slant for that blood to just ooze all to one side like that.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Little Otik’ Sucked
Current Mood: страшные деревья
You guys wanted more surreal movies for me to watch so I looked this one up because it was in this list that also included the infamous ‘Eraserhead’. Yeah, we all know what I think about that fucker. Anyways, this is a Russian film. The few Russian movies I’ve seen I’ve loved such as ‘Night Watch’, ‘Day Watch’, & ‘Russian Ark’. Awesome, loved ‘em. But sweet Jesus; this is a whole other fucking… I don’t even know where to begin. It was terrible and low-budgeted. It was filmed in 2001, but I can’t tell if it was the low budget or Russia’s culture that made it look like it was fucking filmed in the 70’s– AT MOST early 80’s. Fandango.com didn’t really have much of a synopsis as you will see here:
“A tree stump whittled in the form of a child starts to devour everything, including people.”
I guess they didn’t have to indulge anymore than that because that’s basically all that happens. And the mother of this tree stump is a tard who doesn’t seem to get that fact that it’s a fucking tree stump, not a real child of her own.
50 Reasons Why ‘Little Otik’ Sucked
1. Ew, gross, black nipples should not be on people.
2. This would be the weirdest elevator music ever. Classical with baby squeals.
3. This is so fucked up, babies being fished out of water, weighed and packed like fish with newspaper.
4. What’s that Asian doing in line?
5. Holy Jesus, where’s the castle? Hunchback old lady.
6. Wtf his pants just unbuttoned themselves and a hand came out of his pants. What.
7. Wtf is a baby doing in a melon?
8. Keeping unwrapped chocolate in your purse…
9. Why would this girl even be interested in reading a huge book about sexual dysfunctions? She’s like 10.
10. We get one huge bottle of water to share between the three of us.
11. So he thinks the wood is a baby? Wait, she does too?
12. Wow, this is a bad prank. What kind of acid is she on?
13. Does he now realize what he’s done?
14. He says, “That is a stupid joke,” What you did: carving that wood, was a fucking bad joke.
15. Pickles with whipped cream. Wtf.
16. Where are they going to vacation every weekend that their neighbors go to too?
17. I hate the close-up camera views of people’s faces.
18. Alright, so why do they keep showing this old lady?
19. They spelled pedophile wrong.
20. It’s gonna get water logged- putting it in a bath.
21. The wood has an asshole. That’s just wrong.
22. Omg I’d divorce her in a heartbeat.
23. Hope she’s got food, he’s leaving her in that cabin for a week.
24. Crazy little girl should *69 his ass. Oh good, the phone line was undone. Smart girl.
25. He’s just milkin’ this so he can get drunk everywhere.
26. Even the cat know’s she’s crazy.
27. Breast feeding a hunk of wood. One of the weirdest things you’ll ever see.
28. Nice claymation. Haven’t seen that shit in a long time. Most movies nowadays have CGI.
29. Varnished him? So they know he’s wood?
30. My god, is this thing really alive or not? It’s fucking driving me crazy.
31. It had an eye in its mouth.
32. Who leaves their baby outside of a grocery store?
33. I’d be traumatized as a child. A tree latched onto my finger.
34. So this is a fairy tale coming true? And it eats people in the fairy tale?
35. Didn’t really understand the nails in the soup.
36. That cat was stripped. She didn’t care bout the cat before and all of a sudden when it’s dead she does.
37. I guess in Prague, baby strollers are called “prams”.
38. “Inferno, the only iron that irons by itself” Billy Mays needs to do an ad for that! Oh wait he can’t.
39. If you are a child molester, this is the movie for you. Definitely.
40. This doctor is giving info over the phone, even if it was a cop on the other line. No No.
41. Dude, they can’t just come into the house like that.
42. Again old man goin’ to grab the little girl’s ass. She shouldn’t be wearing a mini skirt.
43. It’s like a ten foot tree in bed and she’s telling him to be gentle.
44. He can’t get a piece of duct tape over his mouth so he’s putting it on in strips.
45. Of course the little girl is the only keen one around here.
46. It looked A LOT bigger than that.
47. All these people eat is fucking porridge every day.
48. She read the fairy tale, knows it’s gonna eat her, and yet she still unlocks his cage anyways.
49. She just asked the tree if it wanted to catch Hepatitis…
50. Wait, what, it just ended? Wtf.
I wonder if it’s worst nightmare is a wood chipper…. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 