50 Reasons Why ‘Meatball Machine’ Sucked

30 Nov 09 Monday

Current Mood: Spaghetti Hands.

A race of alien parasites that has discovered the secret of transforming human flesh into bio-mechanical weaponry stages a grotesque invasion of planet Earth, only to discover just how mighty the power of love truly is this unhinged, experimental sci-fi horror hybrid. They possess the ability to transform their hosts into mechanical death dealers who will stop at nothing to see their enemies torn to pieces, and now it appears that mankind is facing certain annihilation. When a pair of young romantics begins to find their bodies riddled with oozing, tumorous globules, the heart is pitted against the mind as the couple’s killer instincts gradually begin to overpower their undying love.

Yeah, it’s that rough. And yeah, I watched it all the way through going, “what. the. fuck.”

50 Reasons Why ‘Meatball Machine’ Sucked
1. That doesn’t look good enough to strangle someone with…

2. Predator is in this movie? Well he’s got “Predator vision”.

3. It’s like watching Power Rangers fight.

4. Giant electric dildo kills man. Or at least that’s what it looked like.

5. Now he’s on a lunch break with his juice box. I bet it’s a green tea juice box. How stereotypical would that be?

6. What the hell did he eat to be puking that? Tapioca pudding?

7. So the spaghetti thing needs a host? It looks more like spaghetti than a meatball.

8. The guy died before he hit the windshield wipers, so I don’t know why they are on right now.

9. So this girl does laundry every day? Does she not know she can do more than two shirts at a time?

10. That spaghetti/meatball monster’s heart is a baseball. They must’ve ran out of money making this movie and hoped no one would notice.

11. Seriously isn’t there like, tons more people than this living in ….China…. or where ever this slant eyed country is supposed to be? He’s walking around this place and there is no one in sight.

12. That doesn’t even look like a meatball!

13. He took it home? Of course he did. I bet he’s gonna jerk off on it like he does everything else in this movie.

14. I touched it to bring it home but now I’m affirming it’s hard with metal tongs.

15. Safety glasses, great, you just broke a drill bit. Way to go.

16. What’s up with his pathetic spotty band-aid?

17. How can you tell an Asian chick is getting raped or having sex? It all sounds the same.

18. “I’ll get you a towel.” Bitch, how do you even know where my towels are at?

19. “I always see you eating by yourself, you look so lonely.” Yeah gee, thanks for rubbing it in.

20. “I have a hideous scar on my chest. You’ll be repulsed by it.” Okay? What do you want me to say? Are you fishing for compliments?

21. That’s not a scar!! That’s still healing! Christ woman, put some Neosporin on that shit!

22. Seriously, if I would have known you were this much drama I would have just kept watching you from the other yard while sipping from my juice box.

23. Well, at least she doesn’t have to bitch about that scar anymore…

24. I wonder if the meatball machine chose anal or vaginal. Either way it seems like she’s lovin’ it. I told you that you can’t tell if Asian chicks are getting raped or not.

25. Are we inside of her cervix now? I can’t tell what I’m looking at. This movie just went way too far.

26. Ok, did things just have more sex inside of her? How much sex do they need to get a host?

27. He has to write it down on scratch paper that “It didn’t move.” Because he can’t remember that.

28. Memories of the only 5 minutes they shared together.

29. Crazy dream of monster coming out of her scar. I figured this much, but wasn’t sure if really was a dream or not. Hard to tell with the fuckedupness of this movie so far.

30. This guy, after seeing everything that’s happened to him- is STILL a little bitch.

31. This one went right to town. With guys I’m guessing it HAS to be anal…

32. Really, we had to see the breeding and becoming a host all over again?

33. He totally looked like he had a big flannel shirt on.

34. Damn dude, he chucked a rock at a little girl and it fucking killed her.

35. I don’t even know why he’s bothering, trying to hide under a giant cloak.

36. He just got so hot his cloak exploded off of him.

37. They spent too much money on that goopy parasite that they couldn’t afford good makeup fx.

38. So the parasite speaks Asian obviously.

39. This is better than any Mike Tyson fight.

40. So the guy who tried raping her is her shield now? Like literally?

41. Even him as a super beast, he gets the shit kicked out of him.

42. K so shield man just exploded into tiny pieces and it sounded like lots of glass breaking.

43. Already established the host-nervous system thing like 3x now.

44. Is she spooging in his face?

45. She looked right at him and she didn’t see like his tentacles and shit? He must have invisibility powers we weren’t notified of.

46. This movie has gone on for far too long. Like, it’s not even weird anymore. Just boring.

47. So there’s blood squirting up from out of the ground now.

48. Love the waterfall noise for his hand getting chopped.

49. Montage of punching her. Why doesn’t he just rip out her parasite?

50. OMG recapping. Bad when a movie has to recap.

FAIL.

50 Reasons Why ‘The Messengers’ Sucked

30 Nov 09 Monday

Current Mood: Wanting a shotgun.

Fandango’s synopsis:

“The Solomon family moves into a run-down sunflower farm. As the farm begins to revive after years of disrepair, the family begins to notice uncomfortable and alarming changes in their father’s behavior. They are torn apart by suspicion, mayhem and murder.”
Normally I have to cut down on the synopsis from them, but even they are bored with this movie. All soap-opera acting, shitty storyline, and retarded CGI of birds.

50 Reasons Why ‘The Messengers’ Sucked
1. “I know it’s a bit run down.” A BIT??? You’d have to clear out that house with a shotgun.

2. Momma looks wayyy older than dad. Cradle robber.

3. So to get this out of the way now, the place is haunted.

4. Don’t you think you’d clean first before unpacking?

5. 100 years that toy has been waiting to lurch like that.

6. How’d he get the tractor down there if it won’t start? It was way up at the barn.

7. So this is like ‘Dark Water’? Their walls are like, vinyl. Guess it’s easier to clean the dark water off of though.

8. How is this kid NOT in his crib? Horrible parenting.

9. Creepy dead crawly thing on ceiling really needs some oil.

10. Nobody has noticed the claw marks except for the toddler.

11. Why do dead crawly people always want to crawl on ceilings in every movie? Is it because you can’t do that when you’re alive?

12. The family can’t afford anything so dad wants to be a farmer. That’s real smart. Tell me that doesn’t have a lot of start up costs and might not even work out. At least he’s ambitious.

13. That Jeep wouldn’t be going that fast with all the shit in the back. We all know how Jeeps are.

14. Jesus Christ old man poppin’ out like that every time!

15. He bitch slapped a crow! OMG don’t throw rocks at your car, idiot.

16. Worst animated crows ever. This could possibly be the remake of ‘Birds’.

17. Shooting towards the house. Ass with a shotgun.

18. Montage of planting sunflowers.

19. Loud noise upstairs. She tells toddler to “stay here”. Wow.

20. What’s with all the mosquito nets in this house?

21. Look at that kids arm. That’s like a first person shooter arm.

22. So it is day or night time because it’s dark but some windows are shining light.

23. Bella turned around so quick I’m surprised she didn’t Snap her little brother’s neck.

24. Where does this drifter/helper guy live? The barn?

25. Once wasn’t enough for her? She had to go into the cellar again?

26. So shit’s coming out of the floor towards her and she doesn’t dart? Then something grabs her. That’s what it takes for her to run? God, what a tard.

27. Now she’s just looking for trouble, snooping around in the field and barn.

28. It’s one of those auto closing barns.

29. I’d like to throw something at them first instead of walking up to it like most retards.

30. I wish they’d just say what this girl did to make her parents not trust her.

31. Why’d they park so far away from the house?

32. Really? Drifter couldn’t even fend off birds and now he’s dead? Oh. Nvm.

33. “I’m sick of cleaning that wall.” Should’ve taken care of the leak in the very beginning.

34. Nice. Protect the both of us with your mini hatchet.

35. Looks like Wolverine’s pissed.

36. After everything that’s happened down there to me, the cellar would be the last place I’d be hiding…

37. So convenient that the box hid the light in the window so well.

38. That boy was only knocked out, he should seriously be mobile by now.

39. I can’t believe the dad just got stabbed. With a pitchfork.

40. “We’re not your family!” I don’t think she understands that he’s a little coo-coo.

41. Where did this big pond in the basement come from?

42. Goddamned quicksand in the basement, she shouldn’t have been standing that close.

43. There were a couple of parts, like here for example that it’s windy but the windmill isn’t moving.

44. Dad’s doing fucking awesome for having punctured lungs and shit.

45. Either her hands are huge or his are really small.

46. Crows leave. Ah, free like a bird.

47. So they stayed there?!

48. Lemonade, oh hold on a sec, it’s leaking out of the four permanent holes in my back.

49. Of course, all is good, kid’s talkin’ again.

50. He planted the whole field, you’re supposed to rotate crops! I’m not a fucking farmer and even I know that!

FAIL.

List of ’50’s’ That Will Be Up Soon

Here is a list of all the ’50’s’ that will be up as soon as we stop being lazy and type them up:

As of 14/Dec/2011:

We are aiming to have ‘Fright Night’ up soon!

Like we’ve said, and you guys have done an awesome job doing so, let us know what movies we should check out next! They could possibly be new 50’s =]

 

The List of 50’s (Part 1)

Here’s Part 1 of the complete list of all of the ’50’s’ that are on here:

1. Naked Lunch (1991)
2. SARS WARS: Bangkok Zombie Crisis (2004)
3. Pandorum (2009)
4. Breakfast on Pluto (2005)
5. The Ring (2005)
6. The Haunting in Connecticut (2009)
7. Darkness Falls (2003)
8. The Uninvited (2009)
9. Orphan (2009)
10. Frontier(s) (2007)
11. Drag Me to Hell (2009)
12. Party Monster (2003)
13. The Last House on the Left (2009)
14. Dark Water (2005)
15. The Hole (2001)
16. The Invisible (2007)
17. Let The Right One In (2008)
18. White Noise (2005)
19. Mutant Chronicles (2008)
20. A History of Violence (2005)
21. Dog Soldiers (2002)
22. Eraserhead (1976)
23. Blindness (2008)
24. Donkey Punch (2008)
25. Dark City (1998)
26. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button (2008)
27. Boy Eats Girl (2005)
28. The Unborn (2009)
29. Watchmen (2009)
30. Pulse (2006)
31. Twilight (2008)
32. Repo! The Genetic Opera (2008)
33. The Grudge (2004)
34. The Messengers (2007)
35. Meatball Machine (2005)
36. New Moon (2009)
37. 9 (2009)
38. Star Trek (2009)
39. Irreversible (2002)
40. Quarantine (2008)
41. Supernova (2000)
42. High Tension (2003)
43. Blood: The Last Vampire (Live Action) (2009)
44. Fast and Furious (2009)
45. 2012 (2009)
46. Public Enemies (2009)
47. Delicatessen (1991)
48. Deadline (2009)
49. Little Otik (2001)
50. Wolf Creek (2005)

Enjoy!

50 Reasons Why ‘Naked Lunch’ Sucked

11 Nov 09 Wednesday

Current Mood: Overwhelmed With Surrealism

This is one of those films that is so mind blowing that it’s baffling. So intelligent that it feels idiotic, and so strange that you wonder if you took something beforehand and forgot about it. Yet it was one that movie critics loved. Screw ‘em. Here’s the synopsis:….

This cinematic/literary hybrid fuses motifs from Beat writer William S. Burroughs’s novel of the same name with elements of the author’s biography and plenty of the cerebral alienation and biomorphic special effects fans of creepy cult director David Cronenberg have come to expect. Bill Lee (Peter Weller) wants to write, but he exterminates bugs to pay the bills. His wife, Joan (Judy Davis), becomes addicted to Bill’s bug powder dust, and soon he joins her in a world of unorthodox hallucinogens; he visits the kindly yet sinister Dr. Benway (Roy Scheider) and walks away with his first dose of the black meat — a narcotic made from the flesh of the giant aquatic Brazilian centipede. Soon, monstrous beetles are whispering conspiracy theories in Bill’s ears and his nebbish writer friends Hank (Nicholas Campbell) and Martin (Michael Zelniker) are sleeping with Joan under his nose. When a party trick involving a liquor glass and a gun goes awry, killing Joan, Bill flees to Interzone, a Mediterranean city full of talking insectoid typewriters, double agents, offbeat aesthetes, and plots within plots. As he navigates this paranoid landscape, Bill begins ingesting another drug called mugwump jism and writes fragments that Hank and Martin soon assemble into a novel under the title Naked Lunch.

50 Reasons Why ‘Naked Lunch’ Sucked

1. I think Peter Weller just wanted a break from Robocop, you know, expand his horizons…

2. Ridiculously long beginning credits. Nearly 3 minutes of credits.

3. 2 guys in diner using too many adjectives to make themselves sound smart. Are all writers that… deep?

4. Is that the exterminator dress code? Brown suit with 50’s hat?

5. Shooting up bug powder in her tit. What makes you even begin to think that’s a good idea?

6. “You feel like a bug.” Why the fuck would you want to feel like a bug?

7. Exterminators eat their own poison on a regular basis.

8. This guy’s not flipping out over seeing a huge cockroach? And why the F is the bug not dying? It’s swimming around in the bug powder.

9. The cockroach’s asshole is talking. It wants Robocop to rub powder on his “lips”.

10. The roach just spent forever explaining what “Interzone” is but I’m still sitting here wondering what it is or what they do.

11. Love this crazy jazz music as he’s escaping the interrogation room.

12. She’s killing huge roaches by breathing on them. Wait, why does everyone have this big of an infestation in their homes?

13. That’s sad that exterminators are so hopped up on this shit that they have a business card for a doctor that can get them off of it. They’ve got connections.

14. Wtf is he crying? Is he allergic to centipedes? I’m confused.

15. Dude wtf his wife is fucking his friend right in front of him and his other friend just offered Robocop to join with him. “Hank and I just got bored. It wasn’t serious.” That’s not a good enough reason to be doing that!

16. Wtf. He just shot his wife and killed her. By accident. And he just left her laying there. That’s not going to look bad later.

17. What in the hell alien sea creature sitting at a dive bar? Wait, what is Robocop doing in a dive bar in the first place?

18. Apparently you can grind centipedes in meat grinders and they come out looking like ground up black meat. They’re HUGE centipedes too!

19. “May I?” Well that’s why I had my little Saudi slave kid bring a huge plate of it out fucktard.

20. Excuse me Sir, I believe your typewrite needs to have an exorcism performed OK NOW IT’S A BUG.

21. How is Robocop all of a sudden and “agent”? Exterminator to Secret Agent Man?

22. What does being a homo have anything to help with having a cover?

23. Typewriter bug is getting off to Robocop typing on him.

24. What type of accent is this black centipede guy supposed to have?

25. How was he able to talk to him telepathically? Seems so simple.

26. Now who’s this character? Dude in suit just woke Robocop up. Too many characters that aren’t developed.

27. What is the big infatuation with being gay in this movie?

28. He just breathed on a centipede in his shower and it died. I wish I had that power.

29. Addicted to something that doesn’t exist? The black powder? He has it in his hands. So yes, it does in fact, exist.

30. Dude, his insect typewrites just pwnd another bug typewriter. Typewriters are very territorial creatures.

31. Aww wtf the typewriter has a penis! Where are you supposed to put the paper in?

32. AND WTF there’s some crazy THING having sex with them, or just humping them. Now, that’s disturbing.

33. The housekeeper just came in and started yelling at the lady who owns that place. Yelling at her for misbehaving. Since when do housekeepers have any authority?

34. Don’t let your housekeeper get a hold of any blood, pubic hair, or teeth, or she’ll control your mind. That’s what I get out of this.

35. Wtf does this bitch have anything to do with anything?

36. What is Robocop bruising from? Putting powder on his neck?

37. Why’s he sleeping on the beach when he’s got a place to live? And how did his friends all of a sudden get there and even know where he was?

38. Someone explain what a “Naked Lunch” is?

39. There is wayyyyy too much pointless dialogue.

40. “New Orleans…. is a dead museum.” Nice. I love that quote for some reason.

41. Fucking 1:22:59 retard pigeon won’t stop smacking into a wall in the background.

42. His typewrite was just oozing white stuff.

43. His typewriter just turned from a weird head into a full creature like the one at the dive bar.

44. Noxema in a pink tube on a shelf. Old skool style.

45. Here we go with another stupid convo, this time in a car.

46. What are these shots of a side of a road with people walking for? Pointless.

47. Dude DUDE gay cockroach man in parrot cage with… god, I can’t even explain!

48. They’re sucking gizz out of those creatures that are all shackled up. I’m not sure what this place is supposed to be or represent.

49. 106 minutes: Roy Scheider dressed as a large German woman. You will never see this again, folks.

50. And Robocop just killed another woman. Doesn’t learn. And I’m still confused as shit.

FAIL beyond all other movies. Just… fucking… fail.