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50 Reasons Why ‘Chronicle’ Sucked
14/Jun/2012
Current Thoughts: “I’m not Akira! I am Tetsuo.”
- Opened February 3, 2012 | Runtime:1 hr 24 min
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PG-13
Some Language, Sexual Content, Intense Action and Violence, Teen Drinking and Thematic Material
- Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 14+. Read More
- Andrew is a socially awkward, introverted teen whose main form of escape and expression is a video camera. But things begin to change when Andrew, his cousin Matt and popular classmate Steve discover a mysterious substance that leaves them with incredible powers. As their abilities become more powerful, the teens’ lives spin out of control when their darker sides begin to emerge. Andrew’s camera captures the unfolding events.
- Cast: Dane DeHaan, Alex Russell, Michael B. Jordan, Michael Kelly, Ashley Hinshaw, Bo Petersen, Anna Wood, Rudi Malcolm, Luke Tyler
- Director: Josh Trank
- Genres: Action/Adventure, Suspense/Thriller
50 Reasons Why ‘Chronicle’ Sucked
1. Of course: Drunk dad, emo kid.
2. “I bought a camera & I’m filming everything.” That wouldn’t stop me if I were drunk dada. I’d take it, smash it, ruin the tapes, etc.
3. Go figure, mom’s sick. How many other clichés can we add to this?
4. Crunching of chips. It’s so loud as if he’s wearing a mic.
5. Bullying the kid in front of a video camera. Idiots. Show that shit to your principle. Or the cops.
6. Slides the camera on the ground towards you. Why didn’t you catch it?
7. Not take the camera to a party? Kids would love that shit.
8. Shittiest light on that camera.
9. He acts like he’s never been hit by his dad before.
10. It always has to be that awkward huge camera, not a little flip cam.
11. So what if there is another person filming, and a girl. Does not mean you HAVE to fall in love with her.
12. It’s a rave- you can’t chit chat in there like they are.
13. He turns it off when he gets shit on his camera. But then he turns it on & cries on camera while he cleans it. Kill yourself.
14. Crazy moonlight.
15. This is way too nice to just be a hole in the ground, no fishers or anything.
16. “It’s messing with it.” He wouldn’t be able to tell if the sound was messing with the camera until he plays it back, when you are recording, you don’t hear the interference.
17. Positioning Matt & Steve- how about you just zoom out?
18. That was the worst CGI baseball. Wow & legos.
19. Cave sunk in. ZOOM OUT. People don’t ALWAYS have shit zoomed in.
20. The excuse for every POV movie… “I HAVE TO DOCUMENT.” Obnoxious.
21. There is such thing called a tripod. You don’t need to waste your powers.
22. Why is there a random leaf blower just sitting out in a school? Kids play with that shit. Janitors are smarter than that.
23. So stereotypical, having one token black kid.
24. He’s running for class president so he’s the most popular kid in school. No one is wondering why he suddenly stopped hanging out with his regular friends?
25. Why are they running away in the store?
26. Rain pouring perfectly but the camera is fine.
27. Why would it matter if he called the cops?
28. Cops don’t want to see the camera to see what happened?
29. They didn’t break their legs or anything when they landed like that?
30. Bro talk on top of the super tall building. No hardcore wind noise.
31. Her every two seconds, “How are they doing this?” Stfu.
32. How old is redhead? She looks like she’s in her mid 20’s.
33. Is that supposed to be jizz?
34. Dad & son are arguing & the camera is filming.
35. Asking Andrew what happened- waste of time.
36. Mound of dirt on Steve’s grave.
37. Getting all exciting in the junkyard.
38. Pretty sweet that he has no window pane.
39. Night time & that pharmacy is still open.
40. Firefighter outfit to rob people. Don’t stand out too much!
41. Can that happen? Was the shotgun loaded with EXPLOSIVES???
42. Who set up his camera in his hospital room & why? Did Andrew have a note in his pocket that said to do that?
43. Dude, nurses would have come in & told him to tone it down a bit.
44. Casey, for being a serious blogger- sucks at filming.
45. They wouldn’t tranquilize Andrew? Or shoot him?
46. This totally reminds me of ‘Akira’. Just the two of them, flying & fucking up buildings while Andrew looks like ass.
47. Somebody shoot this kid already.
48. I think you need more than just a beanie to be flying in this.
49. Yelling near some monks.
50. That’s nice, leaving the camera in Tibet. I’d just dump the tape.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Inception’ Sucked
- Opened July 16, 2010 | Runtime:2 hr. 22 min.
- Warner Bros. presents the new film by The Dark Knight’s Christopher Nolan, this one taking on a sci-fi psychological spin for the serious-minded action auteur, with Leonardo DiCaprio spearheading the cast. Emma Thomas serves as producer, with Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ken Watanabe, Marion Cotillard, Cillian Murphy, and Ellen Page rounding out the supporting roles.
- Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Tom Hardy, Ken Watanabe, Dileep Rao, Cillian Murphy, Tom Berenger, Marion Cotillard, Pete Postlethwaite, Michael Caine
- Director: Christopher Nolan
- Genres: Sci-Fi ActionScience FictionPsychological Sci-Fi
I actually own this movie, thought it was great. I hate the fact that the people who don’t like this movie only say that because “It was too confusing.” Are you kidding me? Are you 12? If you sit for a minute and think about it- it’s a pretty easy plot.
That being said, there are a lot of parts in the movie involving factual errors or shit that was just weird. For the sake of this site’s name, I’m keeping the title as ‘why it sucked’, but this is moreso ‘shit that could have been better/fixed.’
P.S. I shouldn’t have to explain this if you’ve read my previous posts but: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS SPOILERS. This is if you’ve seen the movie before. So no bitching if I ruined anything for you. Moving on…
(Also, sorry in advance for all the pictures. I couldn’t just choose a few like normal. OH AND: don’t try to look up Inception pictures unless you want to see a bunch of shit about the characters being gay with eachother. Fucking DeviantArt freaks.)
50 Reasons Why ‘Inception’ Sucked
1. So, Leo dealt with Mal- what kick got him to Saito’s beach?
2. Why’d Leo have to put gloves on in the dream, even after going down the rope?
3. “Pain is in the mind.” Well, not really. I’ve gotten hurt & bit by plenty of zombies in my dreams, yet I’ve never freaked out in pain during them.
4. Saito’s still in the dream- moves his hand under the pillow while he’s sleeping- Saito then wakes up & grabs gun.
5. Why didn’t Leo have a small portion of weightlessness in the dream when his body was being pushed into a bathtub?
6. That top takes too long to fall. That definitely would NOT be my totem.It would take too long for me to figure out if I was dreaming or not.
7. Phillipa sounds a lot older than 5 over the phone.
8. It’s pretty damn dark out when Arthur comes to get Cobb. They get on top of the roof and it’s already daylight.
9. Rain beating on Saito’s helicopter window but not on Arthur or Cobb.
10. Rotorwash but the wind’s not blowing on their hair or wrinkling their coats. And they were far enough away from the chopper that they’d have to be yelling.
11. Juno grabs coffee or plays with her hair, but the next camera angles she’s not. The continuity in this movie drives me crazy.
12. And wtf kind of name is Aireadne? Yes, I spelled it wrong on purpose. It’s called phonetics and I don’t care to look up the real spelling. They couldn’t even spell Michael Caine’s name right in the credits so why should I care how to spell Juno’s character?
13. Juno’s making the buildings move but the reflections on the windows don’t show them moving. Completely stable.
14. Juno & Leo walking onto the 90° angle street… I’ve seen better transitions in Transformers…
15. While Juno’s moving the mirrors, she steps over a few invisible babies/rocks, green screen anyone?
16. Leo gets out of the dream where Juno gets stabbed by Mal- he spins his top- camera switches to Juno, then back to the top, which is spinning in the other direction now.
17. Ooh camera on the table! Oh wait it’s gone, oh now it’s back. CONTINUITY.
18. I like how everyone moves into Leo’s way as he tries to run from his tail at the bar.
19. Did they just shoot their own man in the cafe?
20. Leo, just turn and then you can fit through that small gap.
21. Wtf is that cat doing in the background of the potion’s shop? It’s very distracting.
22. “No, they come to be woken up- who are you to say?” Why are you saying this to Leo, tell it to Eames.
23. “Let’s see what you can do.” What is that proving?
24. How long are they montaging for before the job? Like how long has it been since they got the forger in league with the Fischer’s and then having Fischer Sr. die?
25. You’re doing nothing with that dremel tool.
26. “Don’t show me specifics.” Dude, you were just looking at the tower blueprints. I saw you over there eyeballin’ that shit.
27. “Thank you for not asking whether I did.” You didn’t give me time to process what you said to ask you…
28. Why does Juno have to keep walking by Leo’s part of the warehouse- the exit door isn’t even that direction.
29. “That’s my son, James. Looks like he’s digging for something, maybe a worm.” Doesn’t look like he’s digging for anything. It looks like he’s playing with his PSP.
30. When they dream- do they feel rested when they wake up? After all this sleeping as a job, you’d think they’d all be lethargic.
31. The stuartist is working for them, why couldn’t she have just put the sleeping drugs in Fischer’s water, not obvious Leo?
32. I like how the taxi is getting obliterated by bullets but no one’s getting hit except for Saito. And it was one shot in the chest. They should all be swiss cheese.
33. When Leo’s screaming for Mal to go back inside and not jump- no one else in the hotel or outside heard him??
34. Arthur’s SCAR isn’t the same one as on the cover that he’s holding. The one in the actual movie is about 14 1/2in and the one on the cover is only 10 1/2in.
35. No one’s firing back at them as Eames is getting the VLTOR grenade launcher.
36. When the van rolls, that wouldn’t be a kick enough to wake them?
37. Arthur gets the headphones in the van but EVERYONE can hear it when they’re in the snow.
38. The skiers on the Humvee alternate between 5 & 6.
39. Arthur has 3 minutes to do all of this: strangle guy, wrap people in telephone wire, take them to elevator, and blow it up- All without gravity.
40. On a top explosion- why’d the Humvee flip over?
41. Eames’ arm ended up getting loose from the telephone wire but when Arthur open’s the elevator, it’s bound again.
42. Van alternates time lapse from falling off the bridge. That thing is never going to get in the water!
43. Every opportunity that the gang gets wet, they all dry off super quick except Juno, who is always sopping. All of a sudden, as they get to Mal & Cobb’s first apartment, she looks as if she’s hasn’t been near water for days.
44. Saito hucks a frag grenade and it makes a firey explosion.
45. Oh and the fact that he pulled the pin with his teeth. Yeah fucking right.
46. “Disa-disa” Yeah, dad, dish soap. “Disappointed.” Oh, now you’re waving your hand in my face, what, are there gnats everywhere?
47. “You remember when you asked me to marry you?” UGH, so sick of it. She’s such a whiny bitch and she’s not even alive.
48. So they just hang out in the rain next to the sunken van, waiting for their time to be up so they can wake up?
49. Leo’s glazed-over contacts are annoying the shit out of me.
50. If my whole world revolved around extraction and dreaming- I’d probably wait to see if that top toppled over or not.
I like how no one said a word to each other as the plane landed or in the airport. You shared a ton of dreams together. It’s like having an orgy together- you don’t talk about it afterwards. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Book of Eli’ Sucked
- Opened January 15, 2010 | Runtime:1 hr. 58 min.
- In the not-too-distant future, across the wasteland of what once was America, a lone warrior (Washington) must fight to bring civilization the knowledge that could be the key to its redemption and save the future of humanity.
- Cast: Denzel Washington, Gary Oldman, Mila Kunis, Ray Stevenson, Jennifer Beals
- Director: Albert Hughes
- Genres: Sci-Fi Action, Action
Everyone’s talking about how amazing the cinematography was. Visually stunning? What point in the movie was that supposed to happen? Looks to me like they just threw on some washed out filter and called it a day. And the objective to having Mila in the film? Umm, none. I’ve seen this once before and now knowing the ‘twist’ I thought it’d be quicker to 50.
50 Reasons Why ‘Book of Eli’ Sucked
1. That cat sure is a talkative one.
2. If you’re in a full suit, you’d probably want to eat something that’s in the same position as you. Just don’t know why you would eat that radiation meat…
3. Denzel always has some sort of epic music accompanying him in every movie.
4. He just walked right over to that vehicle but he still had to feel for the shoes. What is he half blind? Blind when he wants to be? Blind as a fashion statement?
5. Don’t you just love the knife noises as he cuts a piece of kitty?
6. 30 years of the same music… I’d be hitting next a lot.
7. You think he wouldn’t listen to an ipod when his only defense is sound.
8. I’ve never really seen a chainsaw work well for anyone. It’s badass and all, but when has it ever worked to someone’s advantage? BESIDES ‘Army of Darkness’.
9. I like how you have to take away someone’s gun to get business.
10. As soon as the world goes to shit, you have to put weird shit on your vehicles: heads, road signs, and shit. As with any apocalyptic movie.
11. Fucking DaVinci Code is still around. Even at Goodwill, that’s the book you see a shit ton of. Nobody wants it but it’s everywhere.
12. “You’re sending guys out that can’t even read to find one book?” I bet they’ve had this conversation before.
13. Denzel only walks in SloMo.
14. What did he expect going into that bar? He’s supposed to be all Christian but he knew going in there would start shit.
15. I like to say bible verses before I start kicking ass because that will somehow absolve my sins.
16. He knew she was blind by giggling his chains?
17. Mila loudly proclaiming about a book. Like omg totally horrible acting. I get it, this town is obsessed. We don’t need to rub it in anymore.
18. She’s skeptical about holding hands to pray but she was sent in there originally so he could do her.
19. Why would she hesitate to say anything about Denzel when her mother is about to get beaten? She barely knew him.
20. Everyone has normal sunglasses, but of course, Mila has Aviators because she can’t get away from anything that reminds her of ‘That 70’s Show’.
21. It’s a bunch of fantasy stories, Gary Oldman can’t just make up some of his own random stories? He could base shit off of what he remembers from the Bible and no one would know the difference. Then he could still ‘rule all’ like his original plan.
22. That’s only a 10 round gun. He should have been out a long time before the director decided.
23. Didn’t shoot Denzel? Why? Because the body of Christ compelled him?
24. Denzel has an Oakley backpack…. That must mean everyone on set is probably wearing sunglasses by Oakley as well.
25. Why does everyone want to go with Denzel?
26. Oldman called the people ‘weak and desperate’ meaning every Christian out there is weak and desperate. Nice.
27. Bank trucks… not the best for apocalyptic situations… like on gas.
28. Good thing she’s wearing like, 9 layers of clothing. Take ’em a bit longer to rape her.
29. I understand wearing jackets, long-sleeves, and such… but a scarf? Like a fashionable scarf. And Mila’s wearing makeup too. We’re supposed to be 30 years out and she’s dressed like the season’s fads from Charlotte Russe. Her hair is also wayyy too clean to be rollin’ in the desert like that, and after getting almost raped in the dirt.
30. “Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: For thou art with me; blah blah blah” Hollywood acts as if this is the only verse in the bible.
31. There’s a ring around the moon. That means rain is coming usually. Did they do this to make the shot pretty or is this some foreshadowing?
32. So we know his name is Eli because he wrote his name on his backpack like a third grader.
33. Gratuitous cocking. Like always in every other movie.
http://www.cracked.com/article_18576_5-ridiculous-gun-myths-everyone-believes…
34. I hope my apocalyptic couch has a MP7 in it…
35. I like how he sets the bomb down instead hucking it.
36. Everything in that house was shot up except for them.
37. That guy is like, the same age as the other guy, but he didn’t know what a TV was.
38. A lightning bolt in the background the same time Denzel gets shot. That must be the stunning visuals everyone was talking about.
39. Oldman’s sunglasses don’t seem like they do much. Very fashionable though. Just as over-dramatic as his acting.
40. How does Mila know how to drive… or lob off hand grenades?
41. The bridge doesn’t even have a complete hole in it. Fail.
42. She can’t row? I mean he does have a bullet in him. What a priss.
43. How’d they get that boat anyways? Boat rentals…
44. Malcolm McDowell, man has he got some end of the world issues. I mean, think about all the stuff he’s been in like this… Doomsday, Metalocalypse, Fallout 3, Chaos at Earth’s Core, etc.
45. That would suck BALLS. Those aren’t small books either. The Bible is thick AND has itty bitty type.
46. “Are you leaving me?” Well, slowly… and blindly….
47. They had to have the old guy write it all down. If he didn’t already have Arthritis, he definitely does now.
48. We’re not reading the Koran, why’s Denzel wearing that?
49. Why’s she all dressed up like him now? Poser.
50. That’s the only Bible they made? “Well, now we’re done, let’s file that away with all the other books we aren’t going to read or let anyone touch anytime soon. Move on to the next.”
I didn’t NOT like this movie because it was Christiany, or because they killed a cat. I hated it because it was cheesy, boring, and too hyped up. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘The Craft’ (1996) Sucked
- The Craft
- Opened May 3, 1996 | Runtime:1 hr. 40 min.
- Teen misfits (Fairuza Balk, Neve Campbell) befriend a suicidal newcomer (Robin Tunney) and strike back at tormentors with witchcraft in Los Angeles.
- Cast: Robin Tunney, Fairuza Balk, Neve Campbell, Rachel True, Skeet Ulrich
- Director: Andrew Fleming
- Genres: Supernatural Horror, Teen Movie, Horror
Obviously the plot is so shitty and uninteresting that Fandango.com didn’t even put much effort into explaining it…
50 Reasons Why ‘The Box’ Sucked
- The Box
- Opened November 6, 2009
- A suburban couple, Norma (Cameron Diaz) and Arthur (James Marsden), face a moral dilemma when they receive a gift that bears irrevocable consequences. With the press of a button, their simple wooden box will bestow $1 million; however, a stranger somewhere else will die, at the same time. The box will be theirs for only 24 hours, and as time ticks away, Norma and Arthur confront the depth of their humanity as they consider their choices.
- Cast: Cameron Diaz, James Marsden, Frank Langella, James Rebhorn, Holmes Osborne
- Director: Richard Kelly
- Genres: Psychological Sci-Fi, Thriller
Women are evil and fall for the guilling serpent with the promise of money and the man like Adam goes along. Stupid and boring movie.”
50 Reasons Why ‘The Box’ Sucked
1. He makes his wife go downstairs to get the door…
2. If it was 2002, this could have been Anthrax.
3. Look at that wallpaper, it’s an acid trip waiting to happen.
4. I would have pushed that bitch already.
5. Nowadays the bomb squad would have been called.
6. Why’d she get a southern accent? She can’t pull it off.
7. Good for the film crew that they didn’t need to change anything on the set, Virginia still looks like this, still shitty.
8. Someone’s got a foot fetish.
9. You’re not even going to tell the class what happened to your foot?
10. So she doesn’t get free lunches at school anymore? I don’t understand what they took away from her…
11. “Mrs. Lewis, your foot looks like my face.”
12. If I had said no to letting you in, it’d be discriminating.
13. “I’ve never had much of an appetite.” Well because food falls out the side of my face.
14. This shows you that women shouldn’t make decisions without the men around.
15. How does everyone know about her foot- or even care?
16. After all those years and she’s still limping like it happened last week.
17. It’s a blue occult, and they’re not joining.
18. So if they push it- is that $100 added on or do they only get $999,999?
19. “What are you doing?” What does it look like I’m doing, I’m taking it apart.
20. Epic 70’s music.
21. When you don’t have all of your toes you walk like a zombie.
22. “1 million dollars” Ima need that briefcase back for the next person though so shovel it all out please.
23. Yeah take the box that’s wrapped just like the THE Box.
24. What’s with that creepy kid that she teaches. He’s fucking annoying.
25. “Let’s see how that new foot works on the dance floor.”
26. Cameron Diaz stops dancing and awkwardly smiles. HORRIBLE acting.
27. You have a bloody nose and I don’t know you but I’ll get it for you.
28. Does this Stewart guy have Low Jack on them?
29. So the Valet guy wrote that on my car? Thanks asshole.
30. I have to get out of the vehicle because I can’t read it backwards.
31. He didn’t know where the babysitter lived.
32. Crazy babysitter- you’re fucking not watching my kid anymore.
33. Dolby Surround sound noise as they pull into the lodge.
34. This is like West Side Story going on, they all going to start clicking their fingers?
35. So is this like a Jesus film now or a red pill/blue pill choosing paths and shit?
36. Why does everyone keep bleeding out the nose?
37. Eternal damnation? And he has to pick one? If only he didn’t go to the library…
38. Weird to have sex like that but ok…
39. I’d be so fucking pissed if I flooded the house like that.
40. Dude seriously kid, I’ll tell you when you’re older, but for right now, fuck off.
41. Only will solve the problem with more alcohol in my system.
42. “Get in the truck!” It’s an SUV.
43. Goddamned Salvation Army Santa.
44. Couldn’t they just make another baby?
45. Man up and get an axe or something seeing as smacking the door doesn’t work.
46. Why’s it always the wife pushing it? Women are so greedy.
47. “Why do I always get these gunshot reports?”
48. So wait, can the kid hear again?
49. Back in the day you look like a thug when you’re on the SWAT Team…
50. Now, my kid gets thrown into the mix, so it should be 2 million dollars buddy.
All this 70’s shit, and my main concern was her foot the whole damn time. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 