Monthly Archives: December 2010
50 Reasons Why ‘The A-Team’ Sucked
16/Dec/2010
Current Thoughts: Hollywood: Ruining people’s childhood memories one movie at a time.
The A-Team
- Opened June 11, 2010 | Runtime:1 hr. 57 min.
- A group of Iraq War veterans looks to clear their name with the U.S. military, who suspect the four men of committing a crime for which they were framed.
- Cast: Liam Neeson, Bradley Cooper, Jessica Biel, Quinton “Rampage” Jackson, Sharlto Copley
- Director: Joe Carnahan
- Genres: Action ThrillerAction
Now, I hate New Jersey, but I like what this guy had to say about the movie:
49 out of 88 people found the following review useful:
A-Hole Team, 13 June 2010
Author: headly66 from New Jersey
I won’t even give this incoherent mess a proper review because it does not deserve one. It is not a film, it is a video game in the sense that reality, physics and timing mean nothing. You have no sense that anyone is ever in danger, everyone is a comedian, the US Army is bunch of people who have no idea what anyone else is doing and rank is a non factor. This is a movie made for a 13 year old who has the attention span of a gnat. Two hours of non stop BS wrapped in a ludicrous plot.
50 Reasons Why ‘The A-Team’ Sucked
1. Dropping a firing pin into a 1911 like that is impossible… Great. I can already tell how the action in this movie is going to be.
2. Lambo vs. van. You take the van? How about sell the Lambo, get another stupid van, and also get yourself an illegal machine gun.
3. It took Baracus THAT LONG to see Hannibal standing in the middle of the road?
4. Before Hannibal says, “Oh it’ll heal, I promise.” Baracus’ voice was super echoey when he was talking.
5. So, is there like, a backstory or anything as to why they are all in Mexico?
6. Face is all giddy when he could be shot at any moment. Yeah, keep smiling when the odds are totally against you. That’s real.
7. How’d the Federali know it was them getting into the chopper?
8. Quick cameo of the van. Stupid. Thought it’d be in the movie longer than that.
9. I don’t think that helicopter can do that. Pretty sure you have to have at least 4 blades to do barrel rolls and shit like that.
10. Why’d he turn off the helicopter? To deter heat seeking missiles? Um.. what about the engine heat? They’ll still come after you dude.
11. Why wasn’t Baracus strapped in and then to actually be able to pull him back in like that. Pfft, sure.
12. Federali’s littering that helicopter with rounds and it’s still not going down.
13. Really? They scramble jets that quick to shoot them down? I didn’t think those kind of jets shoot out the front like that too.
14. You just told me 5 seconds ago about this mission and now you want to know what my plan is, christ, give me a moment to think. I could just pull shit out of my ass, if you want.
15. How many times does Hannibal need to light that cigar?
16. They’ve been through 80 missions together and Baracus is still talking about the incident with the helicopter. They’ve never been in one since then? All 80 were ground missions?
17. 2 seconds of looking at the paper with Hannibal’s plan and they already know exactly what’s going on. Was it a picture that they were looking at because even I cannot read THAT fast.
18. He just stripped an AK completely in one hand movement…
19. Yeah fucking right. Those airbags would NOT hold that.
20. Base is completely empty around them and they aren’t noticing. With an entry like that, I think more people would be out and about.
21. “Contact! Rear!” They didn’t hit a single person.
22. The Humvee explodes. In that country I would assume it was a land mine…
23. Aren’t bodies supposed to be put into something before cremated? They’re never just thrown in there like he was.
24. They’re in Florida? I didn’t think there were big mountains in Florida as seen in the background.
25. Baracus mumblin’ about why he won’t shave his mullet. Could barely understand that shit.
26. How did these three get to Germany if they’re hardcore fugitives?
27. “The Greater Escape” with the original A-Team music. Lame.
28. Sooooo which tire on the Humvee is actually sparking- the left rear or the right? It changed its mind, I guess.
29. “How’s my driving” sticker on the tank. Not quirky or funny.
30. The tank tips forward falling and none of the spent shells around Face are moving with gravity.
31. You’re falling really fast, really high up- in a tank- with one parachute and you yell “awesome”???? You’re a fucktard.
32. I didn’t think there were mountains near Frankfurt either. Let’s just add mountains to every scene guys!
33. The German airspace people didn’t go and check out the lake where some shit was falling into their territory?
34. Their photobooth took a bunch of pictures and made a bunch of crazy noises of a flash spooling which does not actually happen in those photobooths.
35. Jessica Beil keeps popping her collar on all the uniforms she wears which totally isn’t allowed by the Army dress code police.
36. Mercedes with “Swiss” license plate. A) They’re in Germany… B) Not even a correct Swiss plate.
37. Any big illegal transaction like that, as a bad guy- you’d probably have snipers around to make sure you aren’t going to get into a situation like they are now.
38. Pike should be out of ammo- a long time ago.
39. Wtf, Dodge Neon in Germany?
40. HOW did Hannibal all of a sudden figure out it was the General dude? And the rest of the team isn’t asking either. Of course, all you movie goes out there just go along with this retarded ass plot.
41. Only Sigs and HKs (German guns) are counter clockwise. It’s a Beretta in the movie. Why would they point that out when it’s an obvious mistake?
42. “Did we get him?” “No.” You’re the one that hung up, could’ve totally chit chatted longer dumbass.
43. Now that’s the Liam Neeson we all know. He looks horrible as Hannibal.
44. Any ameneties they can dream of are on this ship- even a razor, shaving cream, and ketchup packets.
45. BMWs flipping and you can see that they don’t even have drive shafts.
46. All the explosions and crazy shit… good opportunity for Jessica to get her men to track the bad guys? No, they have to play the whole stupid plan out.
47. Containers are now randomly falling everywhere.
48. Pike, again, should’ve been out of ammo by now.
49. Perfect lighting on the person with the bag over his head.
50. Recap of the movie at the end. Should’ve just watched this part.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Inception’ Sucked
- Opened July 16, 2010 | Runtime:2 hr. 22 min.
- Warner Bros. presents the new film by The Dark Knight’s Christopher Nolan, this one taking on a sci-fi psychological spin for the serious-minded action auteur, with Leonardo DiCaprio spearheading the cast. Emma Thomas serves as producer, with Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ken Watanabe, Marion Cotillard, Cillian Murphy, and Ellen Page rounding out the supporting roles.
- Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Ellen Page, Tom Hardy, Ken Watanabe, Dileep Rao, Cillian Murphy, Tom Berenger, Marion Cotillard, Pete Postlethwaite, Michael Caine
- Director: Christopher Nolan
- Genres: Sci-Fi ActionScience FictionPsychological Sci-Fi
I actually own this movie, thought it was great. I hate the fact that the people who don’t like this movie only say that because “It was too confusing.” Are you kidding me? Are you 12? If you sit for a minute and think about it- it’s a pretty easy plot.
That being said, there are a lot of parts in the movie involving factual errors or shit that was just weird. For the sake of this site’s name, I’m keeping the title as ‘why it sucked’, but this is moreso ‘shit that could have been better/fixed.’
P.S. I shouldn’t have to explain this if you’ve read my previous posts but: THE FOLLOWING CONTAINS SPOILERS. This is if you’ve seen the movie before. So no bitching if I ruined anything for you. Moving on…
(Also, sorry in advance for all the pictures. I couldn’t just choose a few like normal. OH AND: don’t try to look up Inception pictures unless you want to see a bunch of shit about the characters being gay with eachother. Fucking DeviantArt freaks.)
50 Reasons Why ‘Inception’ Sucked
1. So, Leo dealt with Mal- what kick got him to Saito’s beach?
2. Why’d Leo have to put gloves on in the dream, even after going down the rope?
3. “Pain is in the mind.” Well, not really. I’ve gotten hurt & bit by plenty of zombies in my dreams, yet I’ve never freaked out in pain during them.
4. Saito’s still in the dream- moves his hand under the pillow while he’s sleeping- Saito then wakes up & grabs gun.
5. Why didn’t Leo have a small portion of weightlessness in the dream when his body was being pushed into a bathtub?
6. That top takes too long to fall. That definitely would NOT be my totem.It would take too long for me to figure out if I was dreaming or not.
7. Phillipa sounds a lot older than 5 over the phone.
8. It’s pretty damn dark out when Arthur comes to get Cobb. They get on top of the roof and it’s already daylight.
9. Rain beating on Saito’s helicopter window but not on Arthur or Cobb.
10. Rotorwash but the wind’s not blowing on their hair or wrinkling their coats. And they were far enough away from the chopper that they’d have to be yelling.
11. Juno grabs coffee or plays with her hair, but the next camera angles she’s not. The continuity in this movie drives me crazy.
12. And wtf kind of name is Aireadne? Yes, I spelled it wrong on purpose. It’s called phonetics and I don’t care to look up the real spelling. They couldn’t even spell Michael Caine’s name right in the credits so why should I care how to spell Juno’s character?
13. Juno’s making the buildings move but the reflections on the windows don’t show them moving. Completely stable.
14. Juno & Leo walking onto the 90° angle street… I’ve seen better transitions in Transformers…
15. While Juno’s moving the mirrors, she steps over a few invisible babies/rocks, green screen anyone?
16. Leo gets out of the dream where Juno gets stabbed by Mal- he spins his top- camera switches to Juno, then back to the top, which is spinning in the other direction now.
17. Ooh camera on the table! Oh wait it’s gone, oh now it’s back. CONTINUITY.
18. I like how everyone moves into Leo’s way as he tries to run from his tail at the bar.
19. Did they just shoot their own man in the cafe?
20. Leo, just turn and then you can fit through that small gap.
21. Wtf is that cat doing in the background of the potion’s shop? It’s very distracting.
22. “No, they come to be woken up- who are you to say?” Why are you saying this to Leo, tell it to Eames.
23. “Let’s see what you can do.” What is that proving?
24. How long are they montaging for before the job? Like how long has it been since they got the forger in league with the Fischer’s and then having Fischer Sr. die?
25. You’re doing nothing with that dremel tool.
26. “Don’t show me specifics.” Dude, you were just looking at the tower blueprints. I saw you over there eyeballin’ that shit.
27. “Thank you for not asking whether I did.” You didn’t give me time to process what you said to ask you…
28. Why does Juno have to keep walking by Leo’s part of the warehouse- the exit door isn’t even that direction.
29. “That’s my son, James. Looks like he’s digging for something, maybe a worm.” Doesn’t look like he’s digging for anything. It looks like he’s playing with his PSP.
30. When they dream- do they feel rested when they wake up? After all this sleeping as a job, you’d think they’d all be lethargic.
31. The stuartist is working for them, why couldn’t she have just put the sleeping drugs in Fischer’s water, not obvious Leo?
32. I like how the taxi is getting obliterated by bullets but no one’s getting hit except for Saito. And it was one shot in the chest. They should all be swiss cheese.
33. When Leo’s screaming for Mal to go back inside and not jump- no one else in the hotel or outside heard him??
34. Arthur’s SCAR isn’t the same one as on the cover that he’s holding. The one in the actual movie is about 14 1/2in and the one on the cover is only 10 1/2in.
35. No one’s firing back at them as Eames is getting the VLTOR grenade launcher.
36. When the van rolls, that wouldn’t be a kick enough to wake them?
37. Arthur gets the headphones in the van but EVERYONE can hear it when they’re in the snow.
38. The skiers on the Humvee alternate between 5 & 6.
39. Arthur has 3 minutes to do all of this: strangle guy, wrap people in telephone wire, take them to elevator, and blow it up- All without gravity.
40. On a top explosion- why’d the Humvee flip over?
41. Eames’ arm ended up getting loose from the telephone wire but when Arthur open’s the elevator, it’s bound again.
42. Van alternates time lapse from falling off the bridge. That thing is never going to get in the water!
43. Every opportunity that the gang gets wet, they all dry off super quick except Juno, who is always sopping. All of a sudden, as they get to Mal & Cobb’s first apartment, she looks as if she’s hasn’t been near water for days.
44. Saito hucks a frag grenade and it makes a firey explosion.
45. Oh and the fact that he pulled the pin with his teeth. Yeah fucking right.
46. “Disa-disa” Yeah, dad, dish soap. “Disappointed.” Oh, now you’re waving your hand in my face, what, are there gnats everywhere?
47. “You remember when you asked me to marry you?” UGH, so sick of it. She’s such a whiny bitch and she’s not even alive.
48. So they just hang out in the rain next to the sunken van, waiting for their time to be up so they can wake up?
49. Leo’s glazed-over contacts are annoying the shit out of me.
50. If my whole world revolved around extraction and dreaming- I’d probably wait to see if that top toppled over or not.
I like how no one said a word to each other as the plane landed or in the airport. You shared a ton of dreams together. It’s like having an orgy together- you don’t talk about it afterwards. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen’ Sucked
- Opened June 24, 2009 | Runtime:2 hr. 30 min.
- The battle for Earth has ended but the battle for the universe has just begun. After returning to Cybertron, Starscream assumes command of the Decepticons, and has decided to return to Earth with force. The Autobots believing that peace was possible finds out that Megatron’s dead body has been stolen from the US Military by Skorpinox and revives him using his own spark. Now Megatron is back seeking revenge and with Starscream and more Decepticon reinforcements on the way, the Autobots with reinforcements of their own, may have more to deal with than meets the eye.
- Cast: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, Kevin Dunn
- Director: Michael Bay
- Genres: Sci-Fi ActionActionScience Fiction
People only liked this because they are brainwashed into thinking they are supposed to.
50 Reasons Why ‘Transformers 2’ Sucked
1. Bengal Tiger.
2. Suck my Popsicle- So fucking stupid- it’s like putting Jar Jar Binks in Star Wars.
3. So it’s raining or it’s not raining. It keeps varying.
4. Precision 4 wheel drive Audi. It totally wouldn’t have screeched its tires like that.
5. Why is there green smoke?
6. Probably would have saved money to have Optimus on the ground, all ready to go.
7. 3 huge shoots are gonna land somewhere randomly with the transformers logo & they are trying to stay hidden. Good job.
8. Airbrushing while sitting ON the bike like an idiot, plus it’s outside, you’re gonna get dust and shit all over the paint.
9. How’d these little robots know to go upstairs?
10. And why are they automatically evil?
11. The little robot’s ammo is getting bigger and better as Sam runs outside.
12. The amount of camera spinning around Megan Fox & Shia talking. *Nauseous on a big screen*
13. “Sound wave acknowledged. Retrieve it.” Why did he just speak English & not the native language like the other decepticons? Can they understand him?
14. How did the US not know their satellite was being jacked up? They know when it needs repaired or if something hits it so wtf.
15. Zoom in on his face when they are having the Sat conference and he says, “No one is above reproach.” They’ve got a good camera guy for a simple sat convo.
16. “Locked on one of the most secure naval bases in the world.” How did the Decepticons know which one they were talking about? Is he watching the images we’re watching?
17. And nobody saw the kitty fall to the Earth.
18. That length of time it took that thing to transform from kitty. Goddamn.
19. House parties are never this glorious.
20. “Fuel injected.” Good job for the Z28. Is that supposed to impress me?
21. Let’s chit chat about this in a cemetery so it makes you feel more sentimental.
22. Kitty decepticon- it growls and everything.
23. I thought this deep ocean was heavily guarded. They said that in the beginning of this movie and at the end of the first one.
24. Why didn’t they just obliterate Megatron? Burn him? Nuke him?
25. WTF is she riding???? IT’S NOT A 2 STROKE.
26. That Corvette, just ARGH UGH. Just every SINGLE corner of that vehicle had to have something going on. So hideous.
27. How’d they get skin on her?
28. Hot wiring cars- so readily available.
29. There’d be no way to hang onto that car with one arm and it flinging that violently.
30. It feels good to grab your flesh. Really? You can feel that? You’re made of metal.
31. Optimus- what were you aiming at? Slo mo- You’d think they’d have a highly advanced aiming system.
32. Bullet was twisting the wrong way. Why would it have reverse spirals?
33. The sizing of these robots is always fluctuating.
34. Digging the symbols into the ground- HAD to have taken forever.
35. It’s as if Michael Bay only knows how to film in high contrast blues & oranges.
36. How’d Sam get his hand wrapped/casted like that?
37. Why are all the cops all of a sudden chasing them? It’s not like they saw his face. Maybe because they have nice cars in the middle of Egypt?
38. About fucking time those twins got thrown out and quit bickering. So sick of those characters.
39. The tomb wasn’t that strong if Bumblebee was able to just barely shoot at it.
40. All the crazy turning & unnecessary dips with those C17s, especially in a hostile environment. That’s just asking for it.
41. A vehicle got sucked up but two people didn’t.
42. “He dead, he so got ate.” This is what we’re teaching kids in America to be ok.
43. Mom & dad rest on a car that’s “rusted” but it’s cleared over. Why would you clear a rusted car? Why not just get an actual rusted car?
44. Yeah, that gun Lennox was holding is fucked. You see how much sand poured off of it. No wonder their guns don’t work over there.
45. More slo mo. Directors: we just want to Megan Fox to run a lot and get dirty.
46. How is this helicopter even coming in right now?
47. Good thing that gust of wind came or Optimus would have been all tangled.
48. Fallen, Megatron, & Optimus are all fighting, you can barely pick out who’s part is who’s when they’re pressed up against each other.
49. You can’t even tell what’s going on right now with all the ACTION.
50. Optimus just shedding his new gear. Not gonna keep any of that in the locker for the future, just in case?
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Transformers’ Sucked
- Opened July 3, 2007 | Runtime:2 hr. 23 min.
- Director Michael Bay (Armageddon, Pearl Harbor) helms this live-action version of the popular cartoon series, which finds the heroic Autobots and the evil Decepticons landing on planet Earth and fighting for Energon, their most valued power source.
- Cast: Shia LaBeouf, Megan Fox, Josh Duhamel, Tyrese Gibson, Rachael Taylor
- Director: Michael Bay
- Genres: Sci-Fi ActionAlien FilmActionScience Fiction
My brain barely even got a chance to process the action when the bots were fighting so quickly with all those camera angles going on.
FAIL
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 