Monthly Archives: August 2011
50 Reasons Why ‘Priest’ Sucked
- Opened May 13, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr. 27 min.
- Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 14+. Read More
- A warrior priest (Paul Bettany) disobeys Church law by teaming with a young sheriff (Cam Gigandet) and a beautiful priestess (Maggie Q). The three band together to track down a band of renegade vampires who have kidnapped the priest’s niece before they turn her into one of them.
- Cast: Paul Bettany, Karl Urban, Cam Gigandet, Maggie Q, Lily Collins
- Director: Scott Stewart
- Genres: Creature Film, Hybrid Western, Action, Science Fiction
Jesus Christ, it usually doesn’t take me this long to post a review but Photobucket is being a bitch tonight, so I’m stuck using primitive Imageshack. Ugh. So about this movie… Does Hollywood even care about what vampires look like nowadays? This is no Nosferatu, that’s for sure. As for this review: I KNOW THIS WAS ORIGINALLY A COMIC. I DON’T CARE. This is from the movie’s perspective. Absolutely nothing to do with the comic. So I don’t want to see your retarded remarks like “pluh blah blah, if you read the comic…” NO, I DID NOT & WILL NOT. This is a movie blog. Not a “read the comic/book, then watch the movie & compare” blog.
50 Reasons Why ‘Priest’ Sucked
1. Necromongers didn’t treat me right; guess I’ll have to move onto to being a Priest.
2. So the crosses are like tuning forks?
3. Ginger’s dress is unbuttoned again at the dinner table, & it’s fixed again. Hope the rest of the movie doesn’t have bad continuity like this.
4. Yeah, that’s a shitty hiding spot. Maybe if you didn’t hesitate, your mom could have had time to move the table over the hatch.
5. The confessional booths look more like port-a-pottys…
6. That’s a tattoo? It’s just so… perfect for I’m guessing how old it is. Hope he never breaks his nose.
7. Sheriff, you didn’t even give him time to respond before leaving.
8. “Vampire? Nonsense.” Let’s all look at each other and giggle.
9. “To go against the church is to go against God.” Blah Blah, This has been said 3 times so far & I’m sooo sick of hearing it.
10. Did he have a microphone on him; those guards came in at the perfect time.
11. Yes. Epic. Get on the motorcycle that is ginormous.
12. So it’s totally no big deal that he just opened the massive city doors & strolled on out.
13. He looks like he’s going pretty slowly for close to 250mph.
14. “Is it true what they say about priests? They wield the hand of God?” Well, yeah. I am a priest, if you know what one of those are.
15. Why hasn’t the world gotten better? I know it’s been post-apocalyptic times, but why would we revert back to the Wild Wild West?
16. It’s cool, just cut crosses into your bullets and they become instant vampire killers.
17. So the bullets aren’t for the priest, why bitch to the sheriff if you were already planning for him to go?
18. Clunking the coffin into the pit. Easy, man, nice & slow. Have some respect.
19. I thought he was urinating, with how wide the sheriff’s stance was.
20. The motorcycles sound like freakin’ pod racers.
21. Trip over the chickens that are right smack in front of you.
22. “Excrete, they use it to build their hives.” So… why are they excreting on the hand rails?
23. This vampire mutant thingy has nubs for teeth; is that why he was making a chicken smoothie?
24. The sun really sets that quick.
25. I hate this fucking Bible passage. I think I’ve mentioned it before in some other review how they over use this in movies.
26. These “vampires” sure do drool a lot.
27. This sheriff is pathetic. I understand Priest has trained for this, but he really needs to grow some balls.
28. Sheriff complaining about how easy killing is for the priest. If it were me, I’d totally want him thinking it were easy. I don’t see how that’s a bad thing.
29. “You teaching me to shoot?” Obviously, you haven’t impressed me yet.
30. Ok, I understand foaming at the mouth, but why is it BLUE???? It’s like the toothpaste incident from the movie “Just Friends”
31. Don’t be fucking around sheriff, focus. You’re only going to get yourself in trouble, as it is inevitable in every movie where someone starts fucking around when they’re told to stay put.
32. Slo mo prayer position: shit’s going DOWN.
33. I don’t think her outfit with hard nipples showing is very church appropriate.
34. “There are good nights where I don’t dream about bad things.” Yeah, that’s why they are called “good nights”.
35. Necromonger priest can hear the record playing that far away?
36. Go figure- all the ninja slicy shit never pans out right. So pointless.
37. That record player wouldn’t be spinning still after this long…
38. I don’t think those turbine engines would last that long with all this sandy terrain.
39. At least if a sniper was shooting at him, his terminal T would be right there at a certain elevation. Perfect shot.
40. Jesus, she’s STILL setting up this charge.
41. Of course, why wouldn’t the train catch on fire somehow?
42. What a pathetic attempt for a “twist”.
43. And I love how necromonger throws fire at his feet, but the fire manages to make a cute circle around priest but not engulfing him or anything.
44. Where the hell is this vent on the train? Every time the camera shows the train from a distance aways, there is no goddamned vent. It’s starting to piss me off.
45. “You faith has failed you.” What was that? Say it again, you had all this blood gushing everywhere & your words came out very gurgly. It’s not very intimidating.
46. Stopping your bike to see the damage from afar.
47. If I were the priest, I would be assessing the area, making sure everything is cleaned out & dead.
48. Of course his hat is the only thing that survived intact.
49. “LIES!” Are you blind? You can’t fabricate a head like that shit.
50. I’ve got to say, this was way too much. It was like a mix of Judge Dredd/V for Vendetta/Mad Max/Underworld/The Searchers/Van Helsing, etc. I could go on & on & on.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘I Know Who Killed Me’ Sucked
- Opened July 27, 2007 | Runtime:1 hr. 45 min.
- Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Not for kids 17 and under. Read More
- Aubrey Fleming (Lindsay Lohan), a talented pianist and aspiring writer, is abducted and tortured by a serial killer. After she’s rescued she claims she’s a different person, raising questions as to whether she is suffering from post-traumatic stress or if something more sinister is going on.
- Cast: Lindsay Lohan, Julia Ormond, Neil McDonough, Brian Geraghty
- Director: Chris Sivertson
- Genres: Psychological Thriller, Thriller
50 Reasons Why ‘I Know who Killed Me’ Sucked
1. Retarded foreshadowing. Why, when making that neon sign, would they even have those lights cut at those points?
2. Is the cameraman drunk?
3. After she moves her hand, a big drip goes down the pole.
4. This must have been when Disney said “no more” to her.
5. She has such a smoker’s voice. Lohan needs to at least be in college in this movie, not high school.
6. “Where’d you find a blue rose?” The store? Does it fucking matter? Be impressed.
7. What an idiot, not giving a girl a de-thorned rose. Us girls have a tendency to stab ourselves with that kind of shit.
8. “Ah, those would be the male reproductive organs.” AHAHAHAHA, let’s all laugh some more because it’s so funny that he got that wrong.
9. “Oh my God.” Horrible acting, teacher.
10. What’s up with the dead girl’s dad’s lower jaw?
11. This guy sure does a fuck ton of yard work here. Nice cow skin gloves & scorpion tattoo.
12. Because I’m sure Jennifer Toland really cared about high school football.
13. And now we over-emphasize some more about how Aubrey REALLY loves the color blue.
14. Random echoes & slo-mo as the girls walk & Aubrey talks. What, is Predator following them?
15. She’s hiding from her landscaper. It’s not like he’s going to stop in the middle of the busy road, get out of his truck, & harass her in front of everyone.
16. The alarm on her car (factory) is seriously, not THAT touchy.
17. Pretty sure he needs thicker gloves than that to handle the dry ice.
18. “Do you have kids?” Uh, that wasn’t the question. It’s not “ask the detective questions” game.
19. “I wish this cat had hair on it, because it would feel much more comforting.” –Mom
20. Just add some oil on that C-Clamp… It’s not that difficult.
21. There’s not a better way to cut someone’s hand off? You have to use the method of flint-napping?
22. “Hope this investigation doesn’t interfere with bingo night.” Hurr Durr. Another pointless comment in this movie.
23. Does that really look like a body to anyone else? Looks more like a game & fish pile…
24. Why are her parents in full gowns when the first nurse wasn’t? This isn’t a clean room. This isn’t fucking defcom 5.
25. Whoever did the soundtrack for this movie needs to be shot. It’s just awkward.
26. Sock cuff around her wrist. Not very flattering with the rest of her stripper outfit…
27. Her dance must’ve been after 1am. She never took her top off.
28. Don’t buses stop running this late at night?
29. Sitting in front of mirror- seems like she mystically grew some of her arm back.
30. Dude, that is fucking awesome, thank Snoop Dogg!
31. I didn’t think Aubrey would have any red clothes, where the hell did Dakota get this shit from?
32. Whatever you do, don’t give me a hand job with that arm.
33. I just saw a snippet of her bra that the camera was not supposed to see.
34. I honestly do not care to see her on a pole unless she is actually stripping. Move along.
35. She’s walking VERY well with that leg up to the dead girl’s house.
36. This “higher than your heart” guy is rather annoying, and very fucking retarded.
37. “You’re a kicker. You kick your way through this problem.” Well, after charging every once in a while. Then you can kick!
38. Why do everyone’s trophies have to be in such hard to reach places?
39. I would not have attempted to sew that shit back on if it looked that bad. Bring on the hair straightener & burn that shit!
40. “We should let someone know.” Yeah really. No one has a cell phone???
41. “I should have believed you from the start.” What do you mean? More like “I should have come out with the truth!”
42. Who are the little girls waving to? I thought one was in Hawaii & the other was in some shitty water with garbage?
43. So, lemme get this straight… This guy is a piano teacher, a blue rose grower, AND a glass maker? Oh, AND a precise mutilator & ruiner of dreams? Dude, he is so well rounded.
44. You saw at his hand? I would have stabbed a shit load of times in his general area.
45. AND this guy collects prosthetics… weird. Random. Pointless.
46. It is a village of smurfs! Piano teacher, Aubrey, Dead chick Jennifer, school colors. Everybody is obsessed with this fucking color.
47. Thanks for smashing my face along with this glass.
48. Interesting… No hobbling back home or to the hospital… or even to the nearest phone.
49. I’d go back to the cops & be like, suck it d-bags. I’d be so fucking excited that I wasn’t crazy. No resting in the dirt for me.
50. But wait a sec, back track a lot here and riddle me this- How did they even have Aubrey’s DNA? Wouldn’t they have known it didn’t match the parents in the beginning? It couldn’t be on record from a long time ago when the dead baby was trashed for the twin, because the hospital would have totally known about that shit.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 