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50 Reasons Why ‘Hansel & Gretel’ Sucked
12/Aug/2013
Current Thoughts: The previews on the disc made me definitely believe this was a 50. Can’t wait to do GI Joe 2 & Star Trek 2!
- Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
- Opened January 25, 2013
- 1 hr 28 min
- R | Fantasy Horror Violence/Gore, Brief Sexuality/Nudity and Language
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Parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 16+. More on child suitability
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Fifteen years after Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) defeated the wicked witch who planned to have them for her dinner, the siblings have come of age as skilled bounty hunters. Hell-bent on retribution, they have dedicated their lives to hunting down and destroying every witch still lurking in the dark forests of their homeland. As the notorious blood moon approaches, the siblings face a great evil — one that could hold the secret to their terrifying past. Full synopsis
- Cast: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Famke Janssen, Peter Stormare, Ingrid Bolsø Berdal
- Director: Tommy Wirkola
- Genres: Sci-Fi/Fantasy
50 Reasons Why ‘Hansel & Gretel’ Sucked
1. Overhead lighting on dad in the woods.
2. Forest views from above. I thought I put in the right movie, is this ‘Twilight’?
3. Why are the kids dirty & bruised already?
4. “EAT!” But witch, these are just empty calories!
5. Kid’s scratch marks change or disappear entirely.
6. WILL FERRELL??? Well there’s your 50 reasons right there.
7. “My name’s Gretel, this is my brother Hansel.” They were muzzling EVERYONE!
8. Jeremy Renner must be broke already.
9. Jesus, Hansel’s finger on the trigger.
10. I knock her off her broom but can’t hit her while she’s pathetically running away.
11. Dog chews on shoes. Well that’s not good. I have your child but it’s been mauled to death.
12. Not too bad on the witch makeup but her eyes are obnoxious.
13. That was dumb. Eating bugs, what? Why. Stupid.
14. The witches’ voices are all annoying.
15. And I take it back. The main witch’s face looks like a horrible photoshop filter.
16. Maybe he should make his diabetes timer a little earlier before he gets sick.
17. WTF forest are they in with poison dart frogs & American accents.
18. God, 2nd witch fight & again, all the problems.
19. What the hell, Hansel got in front of the witch so freakin’ fast.
20. He manages to hit her broom with an itty bitty noose thing but couldn’t shoot her.
21. “Go!” “YES!” in the dumbest voice & head bobbling.
22. Ok, you see the witch, just shoot her, no “stop right there”.
23. These two are just tards. Hansel & Gretel, with the amount of lag. With so many kills under their belts, you would think they’d be pros at this.
24. Lots of continuity issues here.
25. Very touchy feely for being siblings.
26. Of course this is your house. It’s not like you guys were 2 & too young to remember.
27. And of course it’s the Great “WHITE” Witch.
28. See how old those kids were!! You think they’d walk right up to the house & already know.
29. A good book. Like anti Necronomicon. What is it, all in Braille?
30. Great rock music to get you all pumped when they show guns.
31. Horses randomly neighing.
32. “I want your brains.” Zombies now? With afros?
33. What’s up with the mummy one?
34. If the moon is blood red then what is the white/blue backlighting?
35. That minigun- wouldn’t it go through BOTH witches?
36. The crazy amount of really fake looking rocks/ props.
37. Quickly edited violence.
38. That double crossbow action would only work one in a million times like that.
39. I get swearing in most movies, but this whole script full of cussing is just dumb.
40. “The end is near witch hunter.” Truly, there’s only 15 minutes left, thank God.
41. Pretty stupid of him to just tumble into the house like that.
42. I knew this dumb diabetes thing would be an issue.
43. I can’t believe they are making a sequel to this.
44. Wow, that injection works really damn fast.
45. Just set the whole house on fire.
46. Title at the end of the movie.
47. Matrix shit.
48. Cheesy rock music.
49. That folding long gun just doesn’t seem like it’d be very accurate.
50. Or work at all for that matter. I mean, the bullet would get to the first part & blow up in the barrel. Hello, “path of least resistance”.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘The Roommate’ Sucked
26/Aug/2012
Current Thoughts: Still trying to figure out this “instant death from razor” trick…
- The Roommate
- Opened February 4, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr 33 min
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PG-13
violence and menace, sexual content, some language and teen partying
- Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 14+. Read More
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- An emotionally unstable college freshman (Leighton Meester) grows obsessed with her unsuspecting roommate in Danish director Christian E. Christiansen’s English-language debut.
- Cast: Leighton Meester, Minka Kelly, Cam Gigandet, Alyson Michalka, Danneel Harris
- Director: Christian E. Christiansen
- Genres: Suspense/Thriller
50 Reasons Why ‘The Roommate’ Sucked
1. She’s like a 30 year old freshman.
2. You want to wait for your roommate that you haven’t met yet to show up instead of go out like a normal person?
3. Feeling dizzy? She can’t possibly be this naive about the punch.
4. Sarah is already protective of what Tracey does & they just met. Btw, the character’s full name in this is TRACEY MORGAN. Like the black guy.
5. “I’m your roommate, Rebecca.” Why are you sitting in here with the lights off like a creeper?
6. Random Emily the Strange sticker on the wall even these two look like they’ve never stepped foot in a Hot Topic before.
7. “You’re in college now. A girl’s gotta move on.” Have unprotected sex & gang bangs, try drugs, & get crabs.
8. “Frienderz”? What, is Sony not allowed to use Facebook in their movies anymore?
9. “Clubs aren’t my thing.” Instantly goes emo.
10. Lift your hat up if you can’t see.
11. “I promise I won’t abandon you, hee hee.” Let’s have some more horrible acting.
12. Sarah weirded out by the nurse art for no reason.
13. How’d you get the camera out so fast & geez, taking Myspace pics like a pro.
14. “This keeps her with me.” On my boob so when guys take money shots on my chest…
15. This chick sounds & acts too much like Jennifer Lopez. But at least J-Lo is somewhat of a better actress.
16. Cuddles? That’s the best name you could think of? No imagination whatsoever and she is supposed to be in design class.
17. “Were you close to her?” No shit.
18. Of course, her first day at work & it explodes all over her. That’s like the first thing you learn- cover it.
19. Dude comes in, cuts in front of the line & everyone’s ok with her dropping everything just to chit chat with him.
20. Piercing an ear with dangly earrings… No. You could do it with studs because they have sharp points but these earrings would just bend & probably snap.
21. And it’s not some syrupy drip that would come out; you’d have actual red blood.
22. Really, what a shitty reaction. Tracey says she’s crazy & you’re like ‘whatevs’. You’re not at least curious?
23. If I were Tracey, the most I’d be afraid is that I’d get bullied, not fucking killed. And I’d for sure go to the fucking cops after that shit.
24. Who turns off their phone for no reason?
25. The most stupid “bet” ever. It’s like they’re in middle school. What a waste of time.
26. Now why would you leave your phone? Why does this girl even have a phone?
27. This is the most shittiest soundtrack to a movie ever by the way.
28. This “sex scene” wouldn’t have lasted this long if he really was a college guy.
29. I thought the first year you are in college you have to live on campus, in a dorm.
30. I like how some people get kneed in the balls & it’s nbd & others are down & out like Billy Zane here.
31. The band is not even the slightest bit sweaty.
32. “Only places we get booked…” Dude, you’re in college, be happy you are getting coffee shops.
33. Got a little Edward Norton here. You know how long you would have to hit yourself for it to look like you got your ass kicked? Fucking forever.
34. Never brought anyone home? As I parent I’d just think she was a lesbian.
35. Sarah making a beeline for her drawing pad. ALWAYS wait at least 5 minutes after someone leaves. Christ.
36. Wanting to know what this medication is. Ugh. GOOGLE THAT SHIT ON YOUR CELL PHONE. Does she even know she has a phone?
37. “Rick” would be burning just for having gasoline on him, she doesn’t even have to set him on fire.
38. I’m surprised Sarah doesn’t say anything at all about the tattoo right then & there. Any other person would probably have a shit fit.
39. Thank God Rebecca already had hair dye, her necklace, & her tattoo that’s already apparently healed. So convenient.
40. Btw that’s a very obvious temporary tattoo.
41. They aren’t really stabs because it’s a razor, so they’re like, short, shallow ones. You’d really have to work at it to kill him.
42. Sarah doesn’t believe in light switches.
43. That’s a strong ass curtain.
44. Screams & shots fired & no one in the building is turning on their lights to investigate or poke their heads out or even yell “are you ok?”
45. Sarah, the gun is not firing. Quit trying & don’t wait for her to attack you like you are doing now.
46. One little razor stab in the back. It’s like an inch & a half blade & she’s down & dead.
47. Rebecca’s hair in her face- go to Sarah- back to Rebecca & BAM that hair is gone.
48. Chains always come off so easily in movies.
49. I’m disappointed we don’t find out why Rebecca is crazy or her back story. She is the only interesting character in this movie.
50. Sarah going back to a dorm.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘The Human Centipede 2’ Sucked
20/Feb/2012
Current Thoughts: I actually prefer the first one…
- Opened October 7, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr. 30 min.
- A depraved mama’s boy (Laurence R. Harvey) goes on a killing and collecting spree to recreate the experiment portrayed in “The Human Centipede (First Sequence).”
- Cast: Laurence R. Harvey, Ashlynn Yennie
- Director: Tom Six
- Genres: Horror, Sadistic Horror
50 Reasons Why ‘The Human Centipede 2 [FULL SEQUENCE]’ Sucked
1. Yes, we remember the first one. We do not need to watch this much of it to remind us of the ending.
2. Looks like he pirated this dvd.
3. What is the point of the black & white? Couldn’t get the fake blood or shit to look real enough?
4. So this was all caught on camera & his boss never reviews the tapes.
5. Why doesn’t he just click back to the beginning?
6. I really don’t think this guy can do it. Not with his weight & the wheezing going on.
7. How are these two alive? Their skulls have to be cracked. I’d give them an hour, max.
Someone made a lovely scarf!
8. Dude, 3 people didn’t work in the first one, what makes him think TWELVE would work?
9. I guess it’s a pretty cool journal & all, but he doesn’t need to look at it every five minutes.
10. Centipedes aren’t that loud. No need to over-exaggerate.
11. It’s like Tom Green with the boa.
12. Jesus Christ, I don’t know how that thing lives in the wild.
13. Is it 110 in there, Martin?
14. I’m surprised he even talks to you at all, mother.
15. All I know is that this beard is epic. The beard is talking, not the man. Why did he even show up if he’s only going to be there for 2 minutes?
16. Because banging a broom will make him stop. I’m surprised the guy even noticed.
17. Black rain, black piss.
18. I don’t think you need to draw all this out. You seem to know it really well.
19. Damn, Martin is an awesome shot!
20. God, this is the most perfect, desolate parking garage ever.
21. Her legs don’t work when you hit her in the head. Yeah, you might not run very straight, but at least give it a try?
22. Yeah, see, that is a hard hit. She’d be dead.
23. Everyone looks pretty helpless. Me, I’d be rolling around, fuckin’ trying to get the duct tape off.
24. “He’s gonna stitch us ass to mouth! Help!” Let me just lay here some more.
25. How would his mother NOT know he’s not in bed?! Look at him; he’s HUGE on that bed!
26. Does he have like, 18 crowbars just lying around everywhere? He’s like, a MASTER at “knocking people out”.
27. The hooker managed to get out & run away, but the doctor is in the car still, doors closed.
28. That was delayed. Bullet must’ve spun around a little bit in there, and then decided to exit his cranium.
29. He eyes keep twitching as he cuts her clothes.
30. These people, killing me. They had HOURS to do something, ANYTHING, yet they are still laying there in the same positions he left them in.
31. Rippin’ teeth out. Turn him over, he’s going to choke on all that blood.
32. Wouldn’t really think you’d hear all those sharpie marks being drawn on there like that.
33. She’s not kicking him with the other leg???
34. Those staples would just come right out. It’s just skin. These people are fucking pathetic.
35. You’ve got a lot more than just tears to clean off, Martin.
36. That can’t possibly be the same girl from the first movie. She couldn’t be either of the first girls; both of them had boobs.
Ooh, bunnies!
37. That’s her tongue. It wouldn’t have ripped out like that & I’m pretty sure she can still scream.
38. Dude, it says “Oral”, not “Inject with syringe”.
39. CGI Squirting on the camera in the only color besides black & white. What, is the director 12? I’m surprised no one is puking right away.
40. A fly’s buzzing noise. Because that is appropriate.
41. You just gave them a ton of laxatives. Pretty sure they would still be shitting their brains out. You don’t just shit once & everything’s all good.
42. He’s not even near her; his dick would have to be huge.
43. None of them are using their free hands to rip off the duct tape & rip out the staples.
44. Why, in everyone movie that involves someone trying to get free, do the cars NEVER want to start?
45. Baby comes out, she smashes it.
46. Girl gets to the light, and then all of a sudden she’s able to get to the centipede & chuck it at him.
47. The gun would NOT have clicked.
48. She chucks the funnel, yet in the background the hose is still attached.
49. He doesn’t die from blood loss from his penis or from the centipede internally fucking him up.
50. He could never fill the shoes of a German scientist.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘The Thing’ (2011) Sucked
2/Feb/2012
Current Thoughts: Just be happy there’s no sequel…
- Opened October 14, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr. 48 min.
- Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 17+. Read More
- Paranoia spreads like an epidemic among a group of researchers as they’re infected, one by one, by a mystery from another planet. Paleontologist Kate Lloyd (Mary Elizabeth Winstead) has traveled to the desolate region for the expedition of her lifetime. Joining a Norwegian scientific team that has stumbled across an extraterrestrial ship buried in the ice, she discovers an organism that seems to have died in the crash eons ago. But it is about to wake up.
When a simple experiment frees the alien from its frozen prison, Kate must join the crew’s pilot, Carter (Joel Edgerton), to keep it from killing them off one at a time. And in this vast, intense land, a parasite that can mimic anything it touches will pit human against human as it tries to survive and flourish. - Cast: Mary Elizabeth Winstead, Joel Edgerton, Ulrich Thomsen, Eric Christian Olsen, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje
- Director: Matthijs Van Heijningen Jr.
- Genres: Horror, Sci-Fi/Fantasy
50 Reasons Why ‘The Thing’ Sucked
1. If that black abyss is the alien craft, it wasn’t that far down in the original.
2. Doctors always have such sophisticated accents.
3. I can only see her as Ramona. Except that movie was only made a few years ago, yet she looks 20 years older.
4. That’s a damn quiet helicopter.
5. Storm movin’ in… as ALWAYS.
6. 1 o’clock? More like dead noon. Now it’s 1.
7. Thanks for giving me a clear place to land out on nothing.
8. Instead of 10 people, you think a gabillion people would be here for something this monumental.
9. “Survivor”? Yes, remember, structure AND specimen.
10. Where’s the crane & shit? 2 cats aren’t going to be able to lift that.
11. This dog isn’t the same dog. Yes, I know the original is dead, but I’m saying for example in the movie ‘Legend’, they imported 5 horses from GERMANY to CA. Hollywood can’t do that shit again; find a dog that looks pretty much the same?
12. That’s not a small drill, that’s a fucking big ass drill.
13. I don’t remember the Norwegians having this big of a place.
14. Why’s it melting? These walls look thin and they ARE in Antarctica…
15. Why’d it wait to jump out if it’s so energetic?
16. CGI dog.
17. “We don’t know what condition it’s in.” Pissed off from being drilled & then busting out of ice, & THEN catapulting itself out of the roof?
18. What is this, a 30 minute movie?
19. He waits ‘til after he gets sucked up to yell for help.
20. The alien’s been shot & set ablaze: Welcome to the New World!
21. Check your blood pressure before cleaning off the other guy’s blood from your face.
22. “I think you should destroy it completely.” WHY
23. “I’m going to tell them the truth, as crazy as it sounds.” So then you wouldn’t want to destroy it. Contradicting.
24. I’d be in a full body suit dissecting that thing.
25. Can we get anymore gross noises in there?
26. Why is the doctor a dick for no reason?
27. We had a camcorder, what happened to it?
28. Good thing no one else took a shower this morning.
29. “Whatever it is, it’s still here.” Eerie tacky music.
30. Wow, she’s getting to this conclusion rather quickly.
31. Someone yells, “RUN!” & you go, “huh?”
32. It’s like The Thing is on fuckin’ crack or something. Calm down dude; thought it took you longer to take over people.
33. I like how this guy just mystically dawned a flamethrower.
34. Thank you doctor for finally breaking the awkwardness of people only saying 3 or 4 words per sentence, per person.
35. Ok, thanks for showing me the smoke grenades, because those will help me oh so much. Get some REAL grenades; ones that are going to blow shit up.
36. Especially in the dark, they made it all the way back to camp & didn’t freeze to death.
37. Not everyone has to have fillings? It wasn’t a requirement in the ‘80s.
38. This would be the slowest chase ever; they both go the same speed.
39. Well now I’m confused. The ship was never broken? Why would the alien leave his ship when it “wrecked” if it wasn’t broken? He just crashed for the hell of it?
40. Why does it need a face still?
41. I’m so bored of seeing The Thing. It completely lost its “scariness”.
42. I don’t get it, why can’t it make itself smaller to get to her? You know, break off a little piece of that Kit Kat bar?
43. Why doesn’t she have more than one grenade? There was a whole case of them (even though they are truly smoke grenades).
44. No, we’re never going to find out the point of the blinky thing on the ship?
45. I’d bring the flamethrower with me.
46. So she kills him, but in the original, there’s no body next to the crash site.
47. Helicopter carrying Adam Sandler.
48. Dog changes from a lot of white fur to the original movie fur.
49. There the dog goes, running off into a much better movie that still sucked.
50. This was too much like the original. It’s supposed to be a prequel, not a remake.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark’ Sucked
22/Jan/2012
Current Thoughts: Oh shit, my power just went out…
- Opened August 26, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr. 39 min.
- Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 16+. Read More
- Based on the 1973 telefilm that del Toro believes is the scariest TV production ever made, the story follows Sally (Madison), a young girl who moves to Rhode Island to live with her father (Pearce) and his new girlfriend (Holmes) in the 19th Century mansion they are restoring. While exploring the house, Sally starts to hear voices coming from creatures in the basement whose hidden agenda is to claim her as one of their own.
- Cast: Guy Pearce, Katie Holmes, Bailee Madison, Jack Thompson, Alan Dale
- Director: Troy Nixey
- Genres: Horror, Suspense/Thriller
50 Reasons Why ‘Don’t Be Afraid of the Dark’ Sucked
1. Why didn’t you answer the maid the first time she called for you?
2. I thought it was night time, why is there so much light down there?
3. It’s a little weird to have your ex-wife as your number 1 on your phone.
4. “Wanna try?” Swinging on the bookshelf, because that’s good parenting.
5. “That’s mine, it was my grandmother’s.” Then don’t leave your shit everywhere.
6. “Come live here with Kim & Me” …Ugh. Kim & I.
7. “I want to go to bed now.” This shit has already got to stop. Fucking whiny kid.
8. “I’m the evil step mother.” Why would she even think that, there’s no reason.
9. What is floating in the air? It’s wintery/fall & wet as shit with misty steam down here. It can’t be pollen.
10. How did she know to look there of all places?
11. How did they not know about this basement when he’s an architect & has the plans & old docs on this house?
12. “Be careful Sally” Letting the kid go down there first, seriously, without knowing what’s down there.
13. “That must be the garden window.” NO SHIT.
14. Ash pit obsession. I see wind go through; I don’t think anything of it.
15. I like how he said it’s welded on there & she’s currently wrenching them off.
16. That wrench wouldn’t stay on there while she’s kicking it.
17. Dad didn’t hear the door fall off & slam on the ground?
18. Any other kid would have grabbed the dish & shown their parents.
19. How old is this girl? Always the same expression too. Close your mouth. She never lose her baby fat?
20. “Turn out the lights” in the creepy voice. SO SHE DOES IT. Any other kid would be already balling at this point.
21. Why would they shred Kim’s clothes?
22. Folding robe, walking to vent to ask little gremlins about Kim’s clothes: Look at how massive her hands are.
23. She didn’t hear him come downstairs.
24. Why does everyone want to help Ms. Underhill so much, the old lady. Maybe she shouldn’t be working.
25. This guy seems so weak.
26. Don’t look child, but I’m going to hold your head in his direction.
27. In the garden? Why would you leave her alone?
28. How is anyone believing this was an accident when he had scissors sticking out of his shoulder?
29. You imported Koi? You know you can buy that shit at your local Petsmart…
30. Kim’s just bailing instead of getting brownie points for staying there all night long.
31. You see something crawling towards you under the sheets & you do not own a cat- therefore you smash it with the flashlight. You DO NOT crawl under there to meet it.
32. What’d she watch ‘The Ring’ too? What’s with drawing circles all the time?
33. When in doubt, medicate your child.
34. The stop sign the guy is holding is round but they are in The US…. Or say they say….
35. Taking her long enough to get out of the bathtub. At least turn the light back on.
36. You are going to give that old lady a heart attack.
37. Why won’t Kim just ask, “Hey are they little gnome things?”
38. Why is Sally sitting in the center of everyone at the dinner table? Weird.
39. I take photos for a living; I know that flash is done for. You can only take like 10 photos with that thing.
40. “What’s going on in there?!” Seriously Kim. Like anyone else can answer that. She takes first place for ‘Tard’ in this movie.
41. Show them the body!
42. Even at full speed, those little guys couldn’t take him down by tying a rope around his legs. It might have made him trip or fall on his ass, but not make him slam his head on the ground.
43. It’s supposed to be dark & rainy, wtf is this heavenly light in the main foyer?
44. At least this house has a shit ton of flashlights everywhere.
45. Expecto Patronum!!
46. I don’t understand why it’s looped around her legs.
47. And now it’s daylight in the basement as they hug each other.
48. He doesn’t try hand over fist to try & find her, even if he knows she’s dead? You don’t investigate that shit???
49. What a convenient draft for that drawing.
50.So why does the new-turned gnome get to be the leader? You’d think the newbie would be the slave.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 