Monthly Archives: September 2011
50 Reasons Why ‘Thor’ Sucked
- Opened May 6, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr. 54 min.
- Information for parents: Common Sense Media says OK for kids 13+. Read More
- At the center of the story is The Mighty Thor, a powerful but arrogant warrior whose reckless actions reignite an ancient war. Thor is cast down to Earth and forced to live among humans as punishment. Once here, Thor learns what it takes to be a true hero when the most dangerous villain of his world sends the darkest forces of Asgard to invade Earth.
- Cast: Chris Hemsworth, Natalie Portman, Tom Hiddleston, Anthony Hopkins, Stellan Skarsgård, Colm Feore, Ray Stevenson, Idris Elba, Kat Dennings
- Director: Kenneth Branagh
- Genres: Superhero Film, Mythological Fantasy, Fantasy Adventure, Action, Fantasy
50 Reasons Why ‘Thor’ Sucked
1. Go! She’s already in the front passenger seat…
2. Why do people from other planets and shit always have to fight on Earth?
3. So on Asgard, they have massive floating wind chimes? Those must get really annoying.
4. Such an important hammer & it’s just sitting in the corner like it’s junk.
5. The amount of flashing to other times, Jesus.
6. Loki just standing behind the pillar like a total creeper. You can tell he’s up to no good.
7. “It is forbidden!” Like everything else in every other King-type movie.
8. Why do they have horses? There’s nothing better on this planet than horses?
9. “Don’t tell anyone we left.” How can you NOT with this massive bolt in the sky?
10. Continuity issues of rock & icy shit falling.
11. Mini stare down with the ice giant’s lazy eyes.
12. Retarded ice giant roar.
13. Cheesy dialog. “At least make it a challenge” – See, that’s more like it.
14. The monster ice thing is so massive; it should be breaking ice underneath it since this whole planet is falling apart anyway.
15. And the hammer is completely clean after going through that monster. Uh huh.
16. Tasers do NOT knock people unconscious.
17. This wouldn’t even be a story if it happened in like, China.
18. “I need substance.” Dude, didn’t they have a cheese platter on their world? Is their food just that more substantial than on Earth? He makes it seems like we’re just pathetic & we’ll wither away if we don’t eat every hour.
19. Took the black suits long enough. You think they’d be more on top of the game.
20. Portman’s base of operations is in a glass building.
21. “They took my ipod.” Stupid line AND her HAIR is even having continuity issues. Ugh.
22. This king was horrible at raising his kids; BOTH turned out to be whiny bitches.
23. Guards outside the door can’t hear them fighting? “Quick guards, my dad just had a heart attack!” Pathetic.
24. Gangsta lean as new king.
25. I like how he’s got devil horns. He must’ve chose them. And that GREEN, very Power Rangey.
26. Bahaha, I’m driving off the road because I’m staring at you, but even though I just corrected myself, I’m going to do it some more.
27. I’m surprised Portman got even that close to the crash site. You think their security would be a bit better than that.
28. The government can’t even spell “perimeter” right.
29. Guy on platform watching from above doesn’t even have a single drop of water on him.
30. Wipe off mud with more mud.
31. Asian, big beard, woman, & pretty boy = Pathetic stereotypical group.
32. He’s only been on Earth for 3 days & he’s already helping with breakfast. I doubt that.
33. “Is that one of starks?” *facepalm* I know Marvel wants to that league movie or whatever, but this is so gay.
34. Even the coffee mug is having continuity issues!!!!!!!!
35. I hope there’s a point to Darcy’s character. So fucking worthless & annoying.
36. Quality of the movie just got worse. No cgi, bit cheesier.
37. “No!!!” What’s she going to do, catch him? (Portman running to Thor as he’s flying through the air.)
38. Jane crying. I’m assuming we’re supposed to feel a lot of emotion right now.
39. The metal guy is sucking up a car, but not buildings or people.
40. How is Thor & Portman the same height here but the rest of the film, she’s a midget next to him?
41. “I’ve changed.” … in 3 days. Uh huh. People in AA can tell you it takes a lot longer than fucking 3 days.
42. I think the hammer would be a little bit more of a limited tool vs. the staff.
43. Breaking the bridge, “STOP! It’s HAMMER TIME!”
44. Loki, the wishy-washy, annoying back & forth, lying villain.
45. Fucking random piano music.
46. Circles on his armor, like nipples on a cat.
47. “You’ve already made me proud.” Another typical movie line.
48. Gatekeeper guy, now you have no job, what are you doing?
49. Director of photographs? What did he do? Is he the guy that placed the photos on the pin up board in Portman’s glass office?
50. Natalie’s been very busy. Maybe she’s on the discount rate to get into a shit ton of movies because after that you do ‘Meet the Fockers’ or you are Dwayne Johnson in ‘The Tooth Fairy’. He tried to do an Arnold career & failed miserably.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Hanna’ Sucked
6/Sep/2011
Current Thoughts: Cate Blanchett needs to go to a firearms tactical training course.
- Opened April 8, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr. 51 min.
- Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 14+. Read More
- Raised by her father (Eric Bana), an ex-CIA man, in the wilds of Finland, Hanna’s upbringing and training have been one and the same, all geared to making her the perfect assassin. The turning point in her adolescence is a sharp one; sent into the world by her father on a mission, Hanna journeys stealthily across Europe while eluding agents dispatched after her by a ruthless intelligence operative with secrets of her own (Cate Blanchett). As she nears her ultimate target, Hanna faces startling revelations about her existence and unexpected questions about her humanity.
- Cast: Saoirse Ronan, Eric Bana, Tom Hollander, Olivia Williams, Jason Flemyng, Jessica Barden, Cate Blanchett
- Director: Joe Wright
- Genres: Action Thriller, Chase Movie, Thriller
50 Reasons Why ‘Hanna’ Sucked
1. Running after the deer when it’s going to plop anyway.
2. I heard they smell worse on the inside.
3. She’s really clean for gutting that animal.
4. You just said I didn’t do go, but now you’re saying I did very well. You’re sending mixed signals.
5. I’m glad we’re learning about blue whales and not something important that could potentially help me in the future.
6. Why does Eric Bana have an accent?
7. I’ve made many fires, but I’ve never been able to make one as clean as the ones in this cabin. There’d be smoke going everywhere. Maybe I just don’t make them right.
8. 0.7 million people? I don’t think there are that many.
9. Why does she need to know the population anyway? How is that going to help her? Why would she need to recite that to someone?
10. Small montage of training.
11. You think she’d know what a plane was by now. If one flys over, chances are others have before as well.
12. “All you have to do is flip the switch.” What’s a switch? I don’t know fucking anything about technology but I sure as shit know about blue whales.
13. “When will it be ready?” “Soon.” Soon is not really a time. You could have given me a warning, btw, about the switch. Now I have to get ready to leave.
14. Blanchett’s accent is pretty pathetic. Coming and going.
15. Business casual out in the Arctic Circle. Think you’d change when you’re a bit closer to your destination.
16. They are in snow camo, but their vests aren’t.
17. Does she have a camera on her chest? How are they seeing her chest-point-of-view of him?
18. You’ve never been in this building before in your life. How do you remotely even get out of it the way you just did?
19. What’s going on with the power in this place? Emergency lighting not properly installed?
20. What did she shoot before the second guy walked through the de-contamination room?
21. “She can’t get out.” Yeah! I got my gun up in the air!
22. So awesome that it made a gas opening noise when she opened it up.
23. You’re gonna get your ass ripped out of that hole. You would get so fucked up on the way out with those Hummers going that fast.
24. Not a very hard safe combo.
25. She has all the time in the world to stand and shoot at them in the field, though she decides to go running & shooting after them.
26. And btw, as you’re standing there at the car, you would totally see Eric’s white blazer thing moving into the woods.
27. Don’t mind me, everyone else on the airplane, as I talk about super critical info and also use my own cellphone.
28. In real life, Hanna would still be standing there 16 days later, staring at the TV.
29. What’s with all the hiding? If she’s so trained and can kick major ass, she’s got no reason to hide that much.
30. Wtf, was that camera on the ground? The one that saw Hanna get on the tourist family’s bus. That’s a damn random angle for a security camera.
31. Pre-bent barbed wire for Eric Bana to climb through.
32. Walther PPK- or whatever it is- isn’t threaded when Blanchett whips it out and then suddenly has the ability to slap that suppressor on there.
33. There would be no way that would make that gun THAT silent.
34. Wtf, Hanna & Sophie are talking. It shows Hanna & Sophie’s right ear is facing down. It then shows Sophie with her right ear facing up. I’m confused. Are they facing each other or not?
35. Random guy in bus terminal with a platter of subs.
36. So this close-up of Hanna with her hair blowing in the wind… I’m assuming during this time of her gallivanting around, she decided to go get her ears pierced?
37. Let’s just waste more of the viewer’s time by putting in more clips of more traveling.
38. Hanna just sliced the shit out of that guy & slammed right into his chest, yet she’s got no blood on her anywhere.
39. The amount of continuity issues is getting rather irritating.
40. I cannot stand it when my hair is down but it’s all in my hoodie or a jacket, shit’s annoying. So I don’t see how Hanna’s doing this. I don’t care how super-human you are, you’d be annoyed as well.
41. I wasn’t really taught anything about technology in life, but I sure as shit can use a computer.
42. I could never find articles like that, even on Google. Seriously.
43. I’m sorry, if you get hit in the back with a lead pipe, you’d be in pain no matter who you are. Fucking movie portrayals.
44. Blanchett’s face in the window pane that was covered on the inside until Hanna moved it. Why would Cate even look through it in the first place?
45. Oozey slime that came out of the body with the arrow.
46. Hanna & deer having a stare down & telepathic conversation. Deer: “Yeah, I saw a lady come through this way. She had an arrow in her. I’m just gonna go this way. *Awkward pause* Drink Jager.”
47. Blanchett had time to change her shoes for a few seconds.
48. Again, Blanchett could just stand and shoot, but she decides it’s more dramatic if she just sprays bullets everywhere.
49. Typical “I don’t want to be an assassin anymore” movie.
50. Missed her heart? That’s the stomach area, dude. You were way off.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Devil’ Sucked
5/Sep/2011
Current Mood: Vertigo.
- Opened September 17, 2010 | Runtime:1 hr. 20 min.
- Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 14+. Read More
- The first in a series of collaborations from Media Rights Capital and M. Night Shyamalan comes in the form of Devil, a supernatural thriller based on an idea by the enigmatic filmmaker. Going off of a script by Brian Nelson is Quarantine director John Erick Dowdle, who handles producing duties with his brother Drew.
- Cast: Chris Messina, Logan Marshall-Green, Jenny O’Hara, Bojana Novakovic, Bokeem Woodbine, Geoffrey Arend
- Director: John E. Dowdle
- Genres: Thriller, Whodunit, Supernatural Thriller, Supernatural Drama
50 Reasons Why ‘Devil’ Sucked
1. Of course the Bible tells you not to drink even though they used to drink a fuck ton way back in the day.
2. And this is when the camera man forgot his camera was upside down. “Shit, Ralph had it orientated all wrong. We’ll just put the credits in right so it looks like we did it on purpose.
3. That body hit that truck so hard; it popped it out of gear.
4. This is a total man love conversation. Go figure it’s a Mexican type guy, obsessed with Jesus.
5. I just cannot see this guy playing a serious role. “The Snozzberries taste like snozzberries” just ruined it for him.
6. Pan at all the people that will be in the elevator.
7. “You can squeeze in here.” “No, it’s too tight.” It’s like these bears talking:
8. Why aren’t there any numbers moving on the elevator thingy? No one else notices this?
9. A “your mom” joke. Wow. That was even outdated in 2010.
10. “Don’t you service these things?” I’m a security guy. We don’t do elevators.
11. A Razor in 2010? Really? That shit’s sooo 2005.
12. Not my hat! That’s my best hat! I would’ve been like, “My damn hat- oh darn.” Not fucking run to the edge of the building.
13. How long is this walk to the skyscraper. Take forever, why don’t ya?
14. Wow, talk about watching where you’re walking.
15. “Facing this direction?” Well, no shit.
16. “What’s happening?!” They just told you they are turning off the lights for a test, lady, fucking pay attention.
17. The mains in the basement. I would hate for a building to put everything in one spot.
18. “I’m looking at elevator 6 right now. I can’t see anything wrong with it.” FROM WAY DOWN HERE.
19. What’s that noise over there? Let me just go take a look and fuck around when I should be focusing on the elevator high above me.
20. Somehow a raccoon got into the city. On top of that, it managed to get all the way into an elevator shaft in the middle of the city.
21. “Bro, I’m not your bro.” The amount of times I have heard that line…
22. See what I’m talking about? It’s a Mexican guy freaking out over the devil.
23. The devil is even subliminal, just like Tyler Durden splicing images in.
24. “Which guy?” The obvious one all by himself in the corner.
25. Mexican guard has a walkie talkie in his hand. He couldn’t have just radioed to the other guard instead of coming into the lobby to find them?
26. Now there’s jelly on the floor, who fucking does that?
27. So the firefighters show up & it’s pouring outside, but once they are inside, they are completely dry.
28. Firefighter crowbar- wow you guys are weak, bust that shit open already.
29. That’s the smallest cable & D-ring I have ever seen. Fucking rope is thicker than that.
30. Dwight is not picking up- move on to your next option.
31. The cop got up to the roof, figured out the guy was dead, then got all the way back down to the lobby, & the fire department still hasn’t figured out how to get the door open.
32. Satchel? Looks like a little dufflebag to me.
33. After the cop yells at the passengers to put their hands on the walls, “And Jose, WTF are you doing?!!”
34. Interesting sparks, let me go figure this out by myself. I would call maintenance, but we only hired one guy to take care of the whole entire building & he’s dead now.
35. He had a wood pallet next to him. Just knock that over & step on that so you don’t get shocked. OR you could even hit that breaker box right next to you to shut everything down.
36. “Put your hands back on the wall.” “It hurts.” Well YEAH, don’t have your hands so high, idiot.
37. “We’re getting close boss.” The firefighters look exactly like they did 20 minutes ago.
38. There are way too many dead/boring spots in this movie.
39. Why do you have to bend down to drop a piece of glass?
40. How’d he get his cellphone back? After it getting sucked from my hands I’d be a little afraid to fuck with it again.
41. What’s with this flashback? How long ago is this? It’s like this happened in the 80’s with that hair style and the cars involved.
42. How’d the kid go through the windshield when the car was t-boned? No seatbelt, kid? And wtf is up with the woman nonchalantly falling out the side of the vehicle?
43. Her license plate is backwards too, btw.
44. Let me also back up here a sec, why was it IMPARATIVE that this girl pick up his tools? Couldn’t he have left them in the bathroom, and then picked them up when he got out of the interview?
45. Took the emergency brakes long enough…
46. “I really wanted you.” Obviously, you just went through this whole thing for him.
47. So here are my two theories to this devil: A) the devil was already the old lady when she first got there. But the why the fuck would the devil care to steal some wallets & then act confused at everything going on in the elevator. Or B) The devil floated in through the elevator shaft along with the opening credits & decided to possess her dead body. But then why the fuck would you choose a decrepit old lady? Your movements are then limited.
48. As a cop, how do you explain this one to your superiors?
49. This movie made the Philadelphia fire department look like shitbags.
50. Everything’s upright now, like the toast. Ralph must’ve been fired by the time this movie was at its end of filming.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘The Thing’ Sucked
1/Sep/2011
Current Thoughts: Lucious flowing hair everywhere
- Paranoia spreads among a team of Arctic researchers as they battle a deadly alien organism that assumes the shapes of its victims.
- Cast: Kurt Russell, Wilford Brimley, T.K. Carter, David Clennon, Keith David
- Director: John Carpenter
- Genres: Alien Film, Creature Film, Science Fiction, Horror, Sci-Fi Horror
So We just did this movie on the first, as you can see. Then last night we went and saw the new movie “Don’t be Afraid of the Dark”, which had the trailer for a remake of “The Thing”. Dude, I guess I’m so sheltered, I didn’t even know they were remaking this! I didn’t see any mid-80’s hair in it though, and no Kurt Russell, so I probably won’t like it. Oh and by the way, ‘Don’t be Afraid of the Dark’ will DEFINITELY be 50’d. Until then…
50 Reasons Why ‘The Thing’ Sucked
1. Where’s the UFO police? Someone needs to be pulled over for drunk driving.
2. Antarctica in winter- shouldn’t there be blizzards or be less wet & what not?
3. Gotta love the cameraman here, you don’t hire people with Parkinson’s to do this job.
4. This guy must not have watched Magpul’s Arial Platform DVD- ejecting brass right at the pilot. And does the pilot not know how to hover?
5. This computer isn’t even saying the moves that are being played on the screen. Wtf.
6. Sore loser, I wonder how many computers he goes through in a year.
7. Still chasing this dog? Hover & shoot already.
8. Smoke grenade = Explosionary grenade, apparently.
9. Note to self: Take mittens off before lobbing grenades.
10. Delay from grenade blowing up AND THEN helicopter.
11. JFK bullet: hits him in the face & he falls forward.
12. Fire extinguishers- watch out, the SNOW is going to burn!
13. Must be a special pilot’s hat.
14. Let’s not park a little bit further out or anything. We’ll just park where I could potentially kick up a lot of debris in my rotors.
15. Yes, we get it, the dog LOVES to watch everything going on.
16. Good thing I wore gloves but I have blood all up my arms.
17. Doctor doing autopsy picking out organs & the amount of ridiculous squishy noises.
18. I’m kind of confused still. In the beginning it showed the UFO bouncing off of our atmosphere, not going down into it.
19. FINALLY, one person with a flashlight.
20. Dude, do not start fighting now about ending the dog’s misery.
21. You let it burn for less than 5 seconds.
22. Doctor: “Oh! Mmm, oh!” Well, wtf, what did you find? A rhino?
23. “Here, this is where they were spending most of their time.” YEAH, BIG RED CIRCLE.
24. “Due East!” Oh, you mean by that big huge crater right there.
25. Just because you have big ass air pads doesn’t mean you can land like a son of a bitch.
26. If the UFO had been buried for over 100,000 years- how is The Thing only under a few feet of ice?
27. How did we come to the conclusion that others are infected? Did someone make out with the dog?
28. “I need to talk to you.” Glance over at Blaire a million times like it’s obviously about him.
29. He has to get more stuff? He’s just weirdly leaning into shelving, not getting anything.
30. Burning them, you’d probably want a mask as well.
31. Right about now, they should be enforcing the buddy system.
32. Flashlight next to helicopter. Conveniently. Oh & a pick axe too.
33. Well, he doesn’t have a gun now. They could have tackled him a shit ton of times already.
34. He keeps going a little overboard every time he uses that flamethrower.
35. Have you ever used a flare as a flashlight? It’s nearly impossible. Shit’s so bright & so close to your face.
36. Axe through door? Why not axe through hinge?
37. Ah, really?! Slice your finger like that?
38. Jesus, Windows- you’ve got a lot of blood.
39. If this organism thing is so infective, why the fuck are they not cleaning off the blade after each person cuts their finger???
40. He starts shaking & then the next camera shot, BAM, Thing.
41. He just walked through that wall like it was nothing. I thought we were in Antarctica, thicker walls n’ shit.
42. They didn’t see that door open from afar? The light’s on & everything.
43. How long has Blaire been out here, Jesus. I thought it had only been, like, a day. He couldn’t have possibly tunneled this much & built all this in that small of a time frame.
44. “What is it? Where was he trying to go?” Fucking seriously. These characters are smart as rocks.
45. Old guy’s makeup line is driving me crazy.
46. They have the same busted up filing cabinet as the Norwegians? Or are they just using the same set when filming?
47. Kurt Russell, throughout this whole movie, seems like he went a little overboard on the eyeliner.
48. He sees crazy shit rolling up from the ground & all he can do is fall over.
49. I don’t understand why The Thing still wants to be a dog when it’s experienced humans.
50. “Got lost in the storm.” What fucking storm? It’s not even snowing. Russell’s hair isn’t even flowing in the wind!
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Speed’ Sucked
30/Aug/2011
Current Thoughts:Taking a break in the middle of this movie was a bad idea. All we wanted to do was sing the main theme and not let the car go under 5. We died 3 times.
- Opened June 10, 1994
- Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 14+. Read More
- Los Angeles police officer Jack (Keanu Reeves) angers retired bomb squad member Howard Payne (Dennis Hopper) by foiling his attempt at taking hostages. In revenge, Payne arms a bus with a bomb that will explode if it drops below 50 miles per hour. Read More
- Cast: Keanu Reeves, Dennis Hopper, Sandra Bullock, Joe Morton, Jeff Daniels
- Director: Jan de Bont
- Genres: Action Thriller, Action
50 Reasons Why ‘Speed’ Sucked + One
1. Boring opening credits.
2. Holy Jesus eyebrows.
3. Jumping the Ford Taurus & then stopping after 2ft. I’m glad they did all that just to stop right afterwards.
4. “Yeah, basement.” Thanks for that obvious one, Keanu.
5. “What’s taking so long?” Dude, we just got here.
6. Behind me! Above me! Aim gun everywhere!
7. That’s a long ass cable for a crane…
8. Well, wtf is she doing standing next to that gaping hole in the elevator? No shit.
9. What is that crane for if it’s not even that strong?
10. Yeah, don’t call for backup as you go to check out the freight elevator.
11. Why is he putting on leather gloves when he’s a bus driver?
12. Why $3.7 million? Why not 4 or 3.5?
13. They’re only going 45 on the freeway, it wasn’t even that busy until AFTER you see the speedometer.
14. “Don’t spit on my bus.” I don’t get it. Must be that fancy LA speak.
15. It took him 2 years for the elevator & less than a week for this bus. You would think technology for wireless stuff & whatever else on this bus would be a bit more complex.
16. Bomb on bus sign- perfect that it didn’t fly some other way onto the windshield.
17. He couldn’t get closer to that bus?
18. Fucking gang bangers.
19. Keanu has said “cool” 3x already. *facepalm*
20. “It’ll explode, there’s a bomb on this bus.” The amount of sighs/grunts.
21. “Big joke, funny. So you’re a cop?” Did anyone notice me freakin’ out in the Jaguar flashing my badge? Are you people really that oblivious?
22. “There’s enough c4 to put a hole in the world.”
23. If you could do this with a bus at 50, running into all the parked cars & keep going, you are a god. I guess Sandra Bullock is god.
24. There’s a bus going down the middle of the road, swerve people.
25. 105, not in use- don’t they know about the unfinished part? I even know about our unfinished freeways .
26. I don’t understand why it took this long to get escorts.
27. Just because he’s got one lost thumb doesn’t mean he has to hold the phone like that. Hold it up to the OTHER ear. You do know you have another ear, right?
28. Slo mo explosion of Helen.
29. Lady stuck in the 60’s.
30. Why haven’t the cops thrown him a radio yet?
31. I’m not a distance expert by any means, but that’s SOOOO not 50ft.
32. I love how they didn’t even bother hiding the little kicker ramp you can clearly see when the bus goes to jump.
33. “We’re at the airport. I’ve already seen the airport.” Pointless character.
34. How did the SUV know to pick him up after the phone call between Dennis Hopper & Jack?
35. “Don’t get dead.” Uh… don’t die, maybe? Let’s all go back to English class.
36. “That’s our scumbag!!!” Thanks, Harry. I’m deaf now.
37. Why were the 2 cops just standing there & not trying to reel Jack in before the cable broke?
38. 10 minutes?! That gauge is dropping a lot quicker than that.
39. Of course they make the cop with the bad leg go in first.
40. Perfect length for a gas pedal wedge.
41. I like how the bus floorplate has wheels of it’s own.
42. Instead of the bus rolling to the end of the runway, it makes its way nicely through a hangar & right into a billion dollar plane.
43. Sandra Bullock, always so witty.
44. Well, you killed everyone on an airplane, about 200 more than the 10 people on the bus. Way to go guys.
45. God, Dennis Hopper sees so far for not having binoculars!
46. Keanu muzzled every single person coming down those stairs.
47. I’m surprised Hopper didn’t check to see if there was a dye bag.
48. He got up there so quick! Goddamn he’s so vocal!
49. The train tracks aren’t’ finished? Is there anything in this town finished?
50. I’m going to speed it up- why can’t you just slow it down then?
51. Why are glass chunks still falling on them? And this one lady is WAYYY too excited watching them makeout.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 