50 Reasons Why ‘Fright Night’ Sucked

16/Dec/2011

Current Thoughts:Failed at any attempts to be scary, quirky, or sexy

Fright Night 3D

• Opened August 19, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr. 46 min.
• R

  Bloody horror violence and language including some sexual references

• Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 16+. Read More
• Charley (Anton Yelchin) is a high-school senior who’s in with the “in” crowd and dating Amy (Imogen Poots), the most sought-after gal on campus. But trouble enters his world in the form of Jerry Dandridge (Colin Farrell), a charismatic new neighbor. After witnessing some unusual activity next door, Charley concludes that Jerry is a vampire. Of course, no one believes him. After seeking advice from illusionist Peter Vincent (David Tennant), Charley sets out to destroy Jerry himself.
• Cast: Anton Yelchin, Colin Farrell, David Tennant
• Director: Craig Gillespie
• Genres: Horror

50 Reasons Why ‘Fright Night’ Sucked

1. Have you seen The Riddler?

2. Always goes upstairs. God, even the DOG knows what to do.

3. Why would dad have the gun lock keys in his pocket?

4. That is the highest bed in the world.

5. I HATE that! The ONE time someone has a gun & they fuck around & die.

6. “Need help with the trash?” It’s already at the end of the driveway.

7. Jeep Liberty rolls up, then Liberty disappears. Liberty shows up again. Then you see the same Liberty parked in a driveway, opposite of where it turned.

8. For Sale signs SOOOO coming in handy later. Too easy of foreshadowing.

9. This fucking crazy moonlight.

10. He grows claws every time he feeds.

11. I feel like Ed’s story in this is already so deep that I missed some of the movie. I don’t think he gets enough spotlight in this. Like we’re thrusted into the rest of the story too quickly.

12. Ed’s room: disgusting & stagnant.

13. Light beer… Budweiser??? Not too light.

14. “Girls, they need to be managed.” Like raped?

15. Dude, Jerry, quit looking around like you’re a criminal.

16. “Everyone’s gotta look after their own business.” You gotta look after those eyebrows.

17. Complaining about “getting under the covers.” You might as well plow her before she or both of you dies.

18. Starting a fight. You should’ve stopped, told her the whole schpeal, etc.

19. WHY would you call 911 automatically???

20. “How to pick a lock” don’t mind that there’s a deadbolt right above it.

21. It’s so extremely stressful just because of how slow he’s walking through this house.

22. Jerry couldn’t have done a better job blacking out his own windows?

23. As soon as I would have seen his headlights, I would have been down those stairs so fucking fast. And how is Jerry already back so fast? Don’t they live in a neighborhood that’s an ungodly amount of miles out from anything? (Even though in one of the shots, The Luxor looks like a mile away)

24. Look through the peepholes already. That’s what they are there for.

25. Wow, she’s taking this very well. She obviously had no will to live.

26. I know he could be pissing with him, but why couldn’t Jerry have just gone around the other side of the stairs?

27. “A million things right now.” A MILLION.

28. Porn at school would have been blocked & he doesn’t seem that smart to fuck with the proxy. For porn anyway.

29. Carrots with machetes.

30. Jerry’s getting a little careless- right in front of the neighbors in the car.

31. WHY is the house STILL blowing up?

32. There IS service by Vegas, even through the canyons. I’ve driven it many times.

33. Seriously, how far out do they live?? This can’t be Vegas.

34. She could’ve stepped on his hand when he put it on her brakes.

35. Stand there with a cross? Why not walk up & stab him while he’s feeding?

36. Pointless having Chris Sarandon being that character. Might as well not even be in the movie at all.

37. He’s FINALLY looking at these photos?

38. Putting up crosses- one barely did anything to him & you think 20 will do the trick?

39. What is the point of his condo remote if he has to answer his phone for deliveries.

40. The odds of this “magician” meeting the same vampire again… Stupid personal side story that I don’t care for.

41. Fogel as a vampire.

42. Fogel just standing there with his head half chopped. Just cut it all the way off.

43. Always leaving weapons when you know water won’t kill him.

44. I’ve been in a ton of clubs. If you REALLY wanted to get through, you just push.

45. Of course there’s a stake that will change the victims back.

46. WHY is the Army Navy store clerk acting weird? Why would he think this is different from any other day? People buy this kind of stuff all the time.

47. The police aren’t investigating this house.

48. His cross bow was armed & he just threw it on the ground… And it didn’t go off when it landed…

49. “You smell that? It’s your fear.” Same as any other vampire movie.

50. That’s a really weird song to end on. Neat cover, but odd choice.

FAIL.

50 Reasons Why ‘Colombiana’ Sucked

20/Dec/2011

Current Thoughts: It should have been called ‘Catelaya’. It barely had anything to do with Colombia.

Colombiana

• Opened August 26, 2011 | Runtime:1 hr. 47 min.
• PG-13

  Violence, disturbing images, intense sequences of action, sexuality and brief strong language

• Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 15+. Read More
• Cataleya, a young woman who has grown up to be an assassin after witnessing the murder of her parents as a child. Turning herself into a professional killer and working for her uncle, she remains focused on her ultimate goal: to hunt down and get revenge on the mobster responsible for her parents’ deaths.
• Cast: Zoe Saldana, Jordi Mollà, Lennie James, Amandla Stenberg, Michael Vartan
• Director: Olivier Megaton
• Genres: Action/Adventure

It’s kinda like ‘Hanna’ but she’s from South America.

50 Reasons Why ‘Colombiana’ Sucked

1. Took the credits long enough to show a HK G3. Those Colombians love their G3’s.

2. I love when guns make a bunch of noises when you just move them.

3. They take forever to drive away, but then they only drove like, 5 feet.

4. C’mon dad, 10 minutes!

5. “I love you very much.” I love you too papa… Why am I black?

6. Well that’s what mom gets for running away. Maybe should have invested in body armor.

7. How’d she get shot, but he’s totally fine? She was ahead of him…

8. “Kill that little bitch” but then he says “We need her alive.” Or did he say “GET that little bitch”? He muffles too much.

9. This IS 1992, right? They didn’t have that 4 stroke back in 1992. (The CRF450)

10. I like how if you’re in a city like this- in any drug lord chase- you always get to be Aladdin & jump around on those buildings.

11. That bike was so close to her & she suddenly pulls away… running.

12. MP5 with a B&T stock which hasn’t even been developed yet, not until 2000. Those Colombians are so ahead in the future!

13. Manholes average at around 110lbs. Damn, little girl, you’re so strong!

14. Perfect example from the movie “Rubber”: There is a pile of vomit on the table & we are still moving along with the story. No one cares to clean it up.

15. Those are some new looking bills he just handed over to her; definitely newer than 92.

16. You wanna be like Xena? Xena’s not even out yet!

17. Shooting outside of the school.

18. Buh, uh he just, uh.. walked away. No one even pointed him out when the cops arrived?

19. Why wouldn’t she be in a cell right now?

20. WTF kind of California prison is this? She’s in for the night, but they’ve got this big shot prisoner showing up too. She can’t just go to a normal jail?

21. Really? Usually someone has to let you through those doors.

22. This is pretty slick, but you know the spoon would have already fallen.

23. The ducts are never this clean in real life.

24. Very absent minded security.

25. Yeah, go check the drunk girl in the holding cell because she totally seemed suspicious.

26. Kind of retarded leaving your hand skin outside of the crime scene.

27. Wow, he didn’t age at all.

28. “How’s the hand?” Like you haven’t seen him since it first happened.

29. God, this guy: Same look, always in the drug mobs.

30. What kind of computer is this?! It’s like the new age Google.

31. I’m sure catelaya flowers grow in other places, not just Colombia.

32. Swimming in a pool with fake sharks- looks awkward in so many different ways.

33. And no logical way of getting in the tank of sharks. Seems like a pointless entrance to me. Now you’re all wet.

34. That photo in a newspaper?

35. Stuffed alligator. Weird.

36. They wouldn’t continue to monitor that phone call & find out she knows that they know where she is?

37. That’s a massive charge on that door.

38. That’s ghetto fabulous: flashlight on the rail.

39. I like how the bolts on the vent are loose enough for her to unscrew with her fingers.

40. After all that running from the FBI through tunnels and shit & her boots are still perfectly clean.

41. Photo of Obama, this is supposed to be 2007. I don’t care if he was in the senate back then, that’s just weird. Nobody has that big of a photo of Obama unless you’re related to him. The CIA is like Nostradamus, already knowing who’s going to be president. That’s how advanced they are.

42. That’s one hell of a laser to get that far during daylight & on top of that it didn’t lose any power going through glass either.

43. Oh Christ, just turned into a shitty version of ‘The Matrix’. 9mm Uzis blow people away.

44. 2007 Mercs airbags would have gone off from that crash.

45. I would have shot him as soon as I came through that door. You deserve this beating.

46. This whole fight scene looked like it was barely edited or shot professionally.

47. Jolie should be the actress in this, not Zoe. Zoe’s better than this.

48. How’d she know which vehicle he would take?

49. The climax was so rushed that it isn’t even entertaining anymore.

50. Good thing this house was very secluded. The neighbors didn’t hear the bombs, rocket, gunfire, etc.

FAIL.