50 Reasons Why ‘Hansel & Gretel’ Sucked

12/Aug/2013

Current Thoughts: The previews on the disc made me definitely believe this was a 50. Can’t wait to do GI Joe 2 & Star Trek 2!

• Hansel & Gretel: Witch Hunters
• Opened January 25, 2013 
• 1 hr 28 min
• R | Fantasy Horror Violence/Gore, Brief Sexuality/Nudity and Language

• Parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 16+. More on child suitability

• Fifteen years after Hansel (Jeremy Renner) and Gretel (Gemma Arterton) defeated the wicked witch who planned to have them for her dinner, the siblings have come of age as skilled bounty hunters. Hell-bent on retribution, they have dedicated their lives to hunting down and destroying every witch still lurking in the dark forests of their homeland. As the notorious blood moon approaches, the siblings face a great evil — one that could hold the secret to their terrifying past. Full synopsis

• Cast: Jeremy Renner, Gemma Arterton, Famke Janssen, Peter Stormare, Ingrid Bolsø Berdal
• Director: Tommy Wirkola
• Genres: Sci-Fi/Fantasy

50 Reasons Why ‘Hansel & Gretel’ Sucked

1. Overhead lighting on dad in the woods.

2. Forest views from above. I thought I put in the right movie, is this ‘Twilight’?

3. Why are the kids dirty & bruised already?

4. “EAT!” But witch, these are just empty calories!

5. Kid’s scratch marks change or disappear entirely.

6. WILL FERRELL??? Well there’s your 50 reasons right there.

7. “My name’s Gretel, this is my brother Hansel.” They were muzzling EVERYONE!

8. Jeremy Renner must be broke already.

9. Jesus, Hansel’s finger on the trigger.

10. I knock her off her broom but can’t hit her while she’s pathetically running away.

11. Dog chews on shoes. Well that’s not good. I have your child but it’s been mauled to death.

12. Not too bad on the witch makeup but her eyes are obnoxious.

13. That was dumb. Eating bugs, what? Why. Stupid.

14. The witches’ voices are all annoying.

15. And I take it back. The main witch’s face looks like a horrible photoshop filter.

16. Maybe he should make his diabetes timer a little earlier before he gets sick.

17. WTF forest are they in with poison dart frogs & American accents.

18. God, 2^nd witch fight & again, all the problems.

19. What the hell, Hansel got in front of the witch so freakin’ fast.

20. He manages to hit her broom with an itty bitty noose thing but couldn’t shoot her.

21. “Go!” “YES!” in the dumbest voice & head bobbling.

22. Ok, you see the witch, just shoot her, no “stop right there”.

23. These two are just tards. Hansel & Gretel, with the amount of lag. With so many kills under their belts, you would think they’d be pros at this.

24. Lots of continuity issues here.

25. Very touchy feely for being siblings.

26. Of course this is your house. It’s not like you guys were 2 & too young to remember.

27. And of course it’s the Great “WHITE” Witch.

28. See how old those kids were!! You think they’d walk right up to the house & already know.

29. A good book. Like anti Necronomicon. What is it, all in Braille?

30. Great rock music to get you all pumped when they show guns.

31. Horses randomly neighing.

32. “I want your brains.” Zombies now? With afros?

33. What’s up with the mummy one?

34. If the moon is blood red then what is the white/blue backlighting?

35. That minigun- wouldn’t it go through BOTH witches?

36. The crazy amount of really fake looking rocks/ props.

37. Quickly edited violence.

38. That double crossbow action would only work one in a million times like that.

39. I get swearing in most movies, but this whole script full of cussing is just dumb.

40. “The end is near witch hunter.” Truly, there’s only 15 minutes left, thank God.

41. Pretty stupid of him to just tumble into the house like that.

42. I knew this dumb diabetes thing would be an issue.

43. I can’t believe they are making a sequel to this.

44. Wow, that injection works really damn fast.

45. Just set the whole house on fire.

46. Title at the end of the movie.

47. Matrix shit.

48. Cheesy rock music.

49. That folding long gun just doesn’t seem like it’d be very accurate.

50. Or work at all for that matter. I mean, the bullet would get to the first part & blow up in the barrel. Hello, “path of least resistance”.

FAIL.