Monthly Archives: July 2010
50 Reasons Why ‘Shutter Island’ (2010) Sucked
- Opened February 19, 2010 | Runtime:2 hr. 18 min.
- The project centers on a U.S. marshal (Leonardo DiCaprio) who along with his new partner (Mark Ruffalo) travels to a Massachusetts island to investigate the disappearance of a patient from a hospital for the criminally insane. During their inquiry , the two encounter a web of deceit, experience a hurricane and become involved in a deadly inmate riot that leaves them trapped on the island. Ben Kingsley will play Dr. Cawley, the hospital’s enigmatic chief physician who must reluctantly play host to the two U.S. marshals.
- Cast: Leonardo DiCaprio, Mark Ruffalo, Ben Kingsley, Michelle Williams, Max von Sydow
- Director: Martin Scorsese
- Genres: Thriller
It was very long and very drawn out, way too many reoccurring scenes, and dammit people- if it’s a movie about a psych ward mystery, it’s almost always the main character that’s the crazy one! This movie was like ‘The Sixth Sense’ in a way, just shittier.
50 Reasons Why ‘Shutter Island’ Sucked
1. How long have they been on this boat to just have met?
2. They’ve been talking for 2 seconds and they’re already bringing up girlfriends.
3. “Do you know where we’re headed?” Well yeah, I’m the Captain.
4. Dude, they’re comin’ in a bit fast to that little wooden dock…
5. Did we miss a part of this movie? Just seems like we’re halfway in already.
6. And all this hardcore dramatic music….
7. How is he sure if he’s “seen something LIKE it”?
8. Those are the kind of shoes they give patients?
9. “What’s that tower?” LIGHTHOUSE.
10. Why are all the guards assholes?
11. This movie seems like it’s moving so fast and it’s very jumpy but I have a feeling we’re going nowhere yet.
12. Heavenly beatings or is that just the rain?
13. Don’t you think that was just a little elaborate for the Civil War?
14. Random room with papers flying and a Hitler painting. Is this why people are freaking out over the ‘beautiful cinematography’?
15. You go after your little piece o’ Walther! Pew pew.
16. I don’t understand, did someone leave a window open?
17. More flashbacks.
18. That’s why Leo’s so good, his dead wife tells him what to do.
19. Why’s she all wet…
20. Dude that guy can hear everything, his ears are so BIG.
21. He’s ruining his whole pad of paper.
22. Hell yeah, I like Mrs. Curns.
23. Everyone saw you write shit on his notepad.
24. Personal case, he shouldn’t be assigned to it.
25. Nice day for a walk to the cemetary.
26. The bodies lol, they’re like Han Solo.
27. Shooting them in a wave.
28. So this is about Nazis still experimenting. Can’t writers ever think of anything besides Nazis?
29. I like the one random piano key. *PING*
30. Such a horrible looking scar. They just put a Twizzler on his face?
31. How does this guy sleep at night with all these dreams??
32. So he’s STILL dreaming????
33. HEY HEY, I don’t wanna be it! Tag someone else!
34. You need like a TomTom or some breadcrumbs in this fucker. “Crazy to your right in 400 feet.”
35. Was that match supposed to lure him in?
36. Lighting a match or a fucking torch here?
37. Why’s it so bright in that room now?
38. You know what I bet the staff has a lot of? Oxi-Clean. Those white uniforms gotta stay perfect.
39. I thought that lighthouse was higher up. At one point, I know it was.
40. Jesus Leo, no time for reading while rock climbing. Dude he scaled right down that mofo.
41. Wtf holy jesus that’s a ton of rats- they’re not lemmings!
42. Why is she out of breath?
43. Bringin’ up ‘dem Nat-zis again.
44. That workout he’s getting from goin’ up and down this cliff…
45. Freakin’ Buffalo Bill man.
46. Why didn’t he just go there? What was the point of the car?
47. Leo should’ve A) checked to see if that was loaded and B) Changed outfits with him.
48. Typical twist we all saw coming.
49. Why would you want a house by that sewage?
50. The staff goes through ALL that trouble just to get him to try and realize who he really is. That’s a lot of wasted money and time.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Legion’ (2010) Sucked
- Opened January 22, 2010 | Runtime:1 hr. 40 min.
- An out-of-the-way diner becomes the unlikely battleground for the survival of the human race. When God loses faith in Mankind, he sends his legion of angels to bring on the Apocalypse. Humanity’s only hope lies in a group of strangers trapped in a desert diner and the Archangel Michael.
- Cast: Paul Bettany, Lucas Black, Tyrese Gibson, Adrianne Palicki, Charles S. Dutton, Dennis Quaid, Jon Tenney
- Director: Scott Stewart
- Genres: ThrillerSupernatural Thriller
I hate it when trailers make movies seem so badass. The idea was great- as usual, but also, as usual- it was poorly executed. And of course, the CGI was retarded. I mean, look at the movie poster, even that was horribly photoshopped, gun and all.
50 Reasons Why ‘Legion’ Sucked
1. I don’t think God would want him all tattooed up.
2. That’s the only small little area his wings were holding on by?
3. I think some gauze would have helped…
4. Oh Christ. Cross explosion. That’d take a long time to make that breaking charge.
5. That cop wasn’t wearing a vest?
6. I thought she just woke up… her hair and makeup is all done like she’s been up for awhile.
7. “How can she go out in public like that?” There’s all of like, 5 people in this town. I don’t think it matters much.
8. Tyrese sure is bundled up to be out in the middle of the desert like that.
9. Of course, Scottsdalians with a Beemer.
10. “Pa! Pa! There’s a storm a comin’!”
11. “This is not a test.” How old school is that?
12. Dude, seriously, put it on mute.
13. A BMW breaking down? A newer BMW breaking down?
14. Are they even allowed to serve?
15. I love it when old people drop the F bomb, it’s so weird.
16. Um, AIM DENNIS QUAID!
17. Of course the black guy has a gun.
18. That’s why he keeps an extra bandana.
19. She’s cold because she does not have the proper clothing on.
20. “What’s a guy doin’ with a gun like that?” Well, we’re in Arizona, aren’t we???
21. That vehicle has bug guts and shit all over it but the wheels are perfectly clean.
22. “Dad, just tell him you’re sorry!” *facepalm*
23. That’s it? Did he grab anything? I didn’t hear the trunk close either…
24. I thought he had two big bags? He only brought one in…
25. Can you give us a little bit of an update here as to wtf is going on? Time elapse?
26. Trying to flash the light outside… you’d be better off without any light.
27. You can almost see the ice cream man’s balls while he’s standing in front of his truck lights.
28. While he’s standing there, you don’t shoot???
29. So it’s like ‘The Matrix’, demons takin’ bodies and whatnot.
30. Great visual effects, dropping shells HA.
31. Regular people? After seeing gunfire will decide to keep going forward? I think not. “These are just regular people!”
32. Why won’t they just believe him? After killing enough of those things…
33. “I’m still happy we have the gas on.” I can see the end of this movie with the place blowing up.
34. Long speech- you are the reason I have faith. Well, cheerio then!
35. Coyote? Pterodactyl?
36. Dramatic music with shaking horse. Shaking lightbulbs, shaking lights. Super dramatic.
37. Damn, able to throw the black guy back.
38. God, Dennis Quaid, you should really learn to act-cry better.
39. AR & MP5 just ran out that quick?
40. ‘War of the Worlds’ noise?
41. Wow, that bitch is hardcore, cut the umbilical cord and dressed that baby.
42. Dude, wing-spin.
43. WTF was that bagged kid thing outside?
44. I’m surprised he hasn’t gotten caught up on anything with those massive bulky wings.
45. It’s like the mace from hell, that thing does everything.
46. Good old fashioned sleeperhold will put anyone out.
47. Dramatic slow-speed fall.
48. “You’ll die like one of them.” Well, um.. that’s pretty much NOT how humans die.
49. If there were that much fumes in that building, Dennis Quaid would have so passed out by now.
50. Baby’s been alive for maybe a whole hour. It’s had it first car crash and he’s been a smoker. This baby is retarded. For sure.
FAIL.
Ahh, lol, Shoop Da Whoop. This was expected to be made:
50 Reasons Why ‘The Twilight Saga: Eclipse’ (2010) Sucked
7July/2010
Current Mood: More emo by the second.
The Twilight Saga: Eclipse
* Opened June 30, 2010 | Runtime:2 hr. 4 min.
*PG-13
intense sequences of action and violence, and some sensuality
* Bella once again finds herself surrounded by danger as Seattle is ravaged by a string of mysterious killings and a malicious vampire continues her quest for revenge. In the midst of it all, she is forced to choose between her love for Edward and her friendship with Jacob — knowing that her decision has the potential to ignite the ageless struggle between vampire and werewolf. With her graduation quickly approaching, Bella is confronted with the most important decision of her life.
* Cast: Kristen Stewart, Robert Pattinson, Taylor Lautner, Billy Burke, Bryce Dallas Howard, Dakota Fanning
* Director: David Slade
* Genres: Teen Movie, Romantic Fantasy, Fantasy
I am so tired and worn out with arguing about fucking Twilight bullshit so I found someone’s review that pretty much sums up what I was thinking too:
Hormones Running Wild Left Me Sick…
by splitend06 on fandango.com
After watching “Eclipse” with my girlfriend, I left the theater feeling like I’d just wasted money on yet another film from this awful saga. The romance setting is rather juvenile, and almost sickening. The Team Edward vs Team Jake competition is obviously a large focus in this one. I almost threw up watching these two cornballs woo the indecisive floozy, Bella. There is also a segment where I thought the two boys were going to express their unending love for each other and go Broke Back Mountain right there. The fighting in this film wasn’t bad. But there is a constant knot in my stomach knowing that this whole fight is not only to save Bella, but to prove who the bigger man is between Edward and Jake. I give this movie a .5/10 . And no, that’s not a typo. I actually can only give it half a point for some interesting action parts. I must let everyone here know, Twilight is a bust!
I believe I also mentioned in the ‘New Moon’ review how hard it is to find Twilight pictures without just Bella & Edward kissing. It’s damn nearly impossible.
50 Reasons Why ‘Eclipse’ Sucked
1. “Who’s there?” Wimpy vampire running around scared off his ass even though he’s a blood sucker… Shouldn’t this kid be home in bed? He looks like he’s 12.
2. So they show pictures of an eclipse. (Btw, when looking for pictures of this movie, be sure to add ‘Twilight’ in your search or the only thing you’ll see in your results is my car.)
3. She can ryhme.
4. “I have an English final.” If you would just quit being a puss and bite me, we wouldn’t have to worry about such trivial things as English finals…
5. Bella wants to be with Edward supposedly so bad, but she bitches about marriage. I already have a headache.
6. I got my cop stache on.
7. Bella just said “epic”.
8. Why is this all going down in Washington? Are they trying to boost tourism in Washington? Is it really that bad there?
9. “No, I’m dropping her off.” You mean “Yes, I am dropping her off.”
10. Dad and his animosity. Obviously she’s not going to sway- so just stop already.
11. That’s what mom decides to wear while tanning? Harsh tan lines…
12. I like how Edward is peering out of the window btw.
13. Really? A quilt? Who the fuck does that?
14. This is probably Bella’s hardest scene. She has to show emotion and actually smile.
15. “I had nothing to say.” Ooh! In your face you untan bitch!
16. Blah blah, remember when we built this bike? I had crazy long Indian hair too.
17. “You’re still you.” “And you’re still you.” Holy dialogue. Is this what you kids are reading in the books too? Jesus, literature has really gone to shit.
18. Does everyone have to play with this dreamcatcher?
19. “From now on I’m Switzerland, ok?!”
20. Yeah, Edward. you drive that Volvo irratically away! Making insecurities seem less gay for emo kids in the world today.
21. I wonder if the tribe has to listen to this history speech every time they meet up…
22. Silent Hill girl, she only gets roles in movies because all she knows how to do is dramatically gasp and scream a lot.
23. How does Jasper all of a sudden know everything about vampirism when in the last two movies he was still a vampy noob trying to bite Bella all the time?
24. Mr. Blondie head vampire talks a lot like Batman with that raspy low voice.
25. Kiss, kiss, oh I thought she was about to go down on him, that’s totally what looked like was about to happen.
26. “You feel something for me, you just won’t say it.” First steps to stalkerism.
27. Dude, most people slap, not punch…
28. Can they get any whiter? They’re like the whitest kids you know. Literally.
(Note: All wearing denim jackets)
29. They just had to bring in a rape scenario.
30. I wish my Valedictorian had this speech, she sounds so smart. Glad you guys picked her.
31. Cannot stand those beehive glasses. You’re not cool. You’re not bringing them back.
32. Bella’s the only one dressed down like a lumberjack at this party.
33. “I brought you something.” A dead mouse? Oh. “I made it myself.” I doubt that. You bought it at the Indian store down the street.
34. Jesus Christ, it’s like these wolves got even bigger from the last movie.
35. Battle practice montage.
36. Woah, woah, woah. Jasper in the Confederate Army? Confused… why did he act like he was “just turned” in the first movie if he’s a really fucking old vampire?
37. It’s like, the THIRD movie and she’s JUST NOW finding out everyone’s backgrounds…
38. “You can love more than one person at a time.” …. Uh… in Utah, maybe…
39. She’s graduated and still a virgin- subliminal for all the kids watching that “it’s ok to be a virgin!” Oh wait, she’s trying to lose it now…
40. Can he get a hard-on or does he have to bite someone and suck all their blood out to get that “peck-ow!”?
41. “I just want to be married to you first.” OMG this is so, what’s the word…. Christian. Twilight didn’t want to get Focus on the Family to burn all their books like they did with Harry Potter so they added a Christian touch.
42. What are they doing in the water? They can’t walk around the lake?
43. So awkward, Edward watching Jacob holding Bella because she’s cold.
44. They’re having a bro-to-bro talk here. It’s a bit long and turning a tad gay. Bella’s gonna wake up to them making out.
45. She’s already committing adultery and it’s only been like, 48 hours.
46. Edward’s eyebrows have a mind of their own. I’d like to see him in a shocked pose. He’s like a young Wolverine, or maybe if he put bolts in his neck, he could be Frankenstein.
47. First Wave of attack! Flank attack of wolves! But they should’a kept them in the back, they’re more like the calvary.
48. So Victoria doused herself in lighter fluid before showing up?
49. Jacob: “It’d be as easy as breathing to me.” Breeding or breathing?
50. I thought Bella was hanging onto the ring, WOAH, that thing is fucking ugly as shit, damn.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘The Crazies’ (2010) Sucked
- Opened February 26, 2010 | Runtime:1 hr. 41 min.
- David Dutten (Timothy Olyphant) is sheriff of Ogden Marsh, a picture-perfect American town with happy, law-abiding citizens. But one night, one of them comes to a school baseball game with a loaded shotgun, ready to kill. Another man burns down his own house…after locking his wife and young son in a closet inside. Within days, the town has transformed into a sickening asylum; people who days ago lived quiet, unremarkable lives have now become depraved, blood-thirsty killers, hiding in the darkness with guns and knives. Sheriff Dutten tries to make sense of what’s happening as the horrific, nonsensical violence escalates. Something is infecting the citizens of Ogden Marsh…with insanity. Now complete anarchy reigns as one by one the townsfolk succumb to an unknown toxin and turn sadistically violent. In an effort to keep the madness contained, the government uses deadly force to close off all access and won’t let anyone in or out – even those uninfected.
- Cast: Timothy Olyphant, Radha Mitchell, Danielle Panabaker, Joe Anderson, Christie Lynn Smith
- Director: Breck Eisner
- Genres: Action Thriller, Escape Film, Horror
Well, at least it’s not just another zombie movie… but it is just another typical outbreak movie. My main problem with this was Radha Mitchell. She plays a doctor in this (lol) and you’d think, as a doctor, if you’ve gone to school and treated patients then blood and gore probably won’t make you freak out so bad. EVERY time she saw some sort of dead/mutilated body she had to scream. It was driving me fucking crazy.
50 Reasons Why ‘The Crazies’ (2010) Suck
1. Someone must’ve left the stove on…
2. Does Radha only accept weird fucking roles? Really, others include: Silent Hill, Rogue, Pitch Black, Uprising (?!) etc…
3. Spy planes?
4. That’s the boy? The son looks as old as the mother!
5. Haha, the look on his face from getting smacked LOL.
6. Cinema beds are always so big, fluffy, and comfy.
7. That’s awesome, he doesn’t even have a wood clamp on that.
8. Who planes boards like that, the Amish??
10. Why’d she tag along? Because she’s literally the ONLY doctor in town?
11. How’d he know they were on top?
12. Wow, he’s smart, right off the bat he knows the problem is the water. He must’ve seen ‘Cabin Fever’.
13. How did the deputy not see blood on the prisoner and all over the wall while he was walking to his locker which happens to be next and slightly past the retaining cell?
14. I’ve never seen a cell phone blink and beep like that when it doesn’t have service… and I’ve been through A LOT of cell phones.
15. Black Burban, very incognito with the dramatic driving away while the Sheriff was walking. Even if they slowly pulled out and drove , they still would have gotten away… because he was walking.
16. “Behind you.” How did he see that?
17. Somehow I see the car with the tarp coming into play later.
18. How did the government get all this set up without anyone in town noticing it?
19. He was unconscious for that long??
20. At that point, wouldn’t more government people show up for better containment? Like sharp shooter from helicopters.
21.A shell fell out of his gun and he didn’t put it back in…
22. As soon as you become zombie-ized you have to walk with very heavy foot steps.
23. People are so easy to go through with pitchforks in movies. I’d like to try this.
24. We all know the husband is going to show up.
25. There’s enough dead soldiers on the ground, why haven’t they picked up their weapons?
26. Why are the rednecks collecting bodies?
27. Those military guys sooooo would have cleared that barn and not have just sent one person in.
28. The Geneva Convention doesn’t allow flamethrowers anymore btw, so wtf is this shit?
29. How have they not flown a helicopter over yet to assess the situation and see this group of people running around?
30. “See if you can find a toolbox.” Even though this is my shed, I keep it hidden???
31. I like that move, the hand-knife move…
32. It was so easy for him to lift his hand on the knife but hard for him to take his hand-knife off of her neck…
33. God, deputy saves the day here constantly.
34. Hey, honey, I have a knife here, let me help you get untied.
35. Really? This can’t be a cooler car under the tarp?
36. Any car can power through those car wash thingies. Hell, I’m always having to situate my car better when I get it washed because those things are so shitty-made.
37. Hell yes, Chopper +1 ftw, but it definitely would have lobbed one off at the car wash.
38. The deputy saved him three times? I only counted 2. Was he counting this Black Burban scene?
39. WHY would you get rid of your best primary weapon????? The bolt action rifle?
40. The deputy knows he’s going to die, so he should just donate his vest over now before he gets too sick.
41. Why would you give him a Glock when your revolver only has about a round left and he’s about to kill himself anyways?
42. They run alongside the road, yeah you want to be close, but not ON it.
43. The government separated the sick from the healthy but killed them all anyways. Why go through all that trouble? Pick a few good test subjects, bomb the city. Very quick, very effective. No chaos.
44. When do Zippos ever come filled????
45. Really, the rednecks are so dramatic as to turn off the truck stop’s lights. Why don’t you just go in and kill them?
46. No exit wound on zombie in big rig cab.
47. Sheriff learned to drive a lorry rather quickly…
48. Did the government nuke the place or was that just a really big ass bomb?
49. I don’t think America wouldn’t know about this, a propane tank blew up the entire town?
50. Completely untouched by that massive crash…
FAIL.
50’s That We Won’t Post Because They Suck That Bad
We will be compiling a list of movies here that we have reviewed but we will NOT be posting due to the sheer stupidity of the movie and that we KNOW none of you would want to read. Now, if you demanded that we post one of these, we wilI, but we would call you a dumbass at the same time. New movies will be added to this list as time goes on.
As of 14/Dec/2011
50’s That We Won’t Post Because They Suck That Bad
The Beaver (2011)
The Main Problem With This Movie:
How incredibly SLOWWWW it was, and then how they magically spewed out an ending.
I hate how everyone online said to watch this movie because it teaches you about severe depression. There are a fuck ton of other movies out there that have done a better job than this. And wtf, I like how within one day, he’s gotten so well at doing things with one hand.
Triangle (2009)
The Main Problem With This Movie:
My ultimate hell would be watching this twice. It’s one of those ‘scenes that need to be played over and over’ type of film, kinda like ‘Groundhog Day’. The problem is that unlike ‘Groundhog Day’, where you get closure, this movie just decides to keep looping pointlessly.
Autumn (2009)
The Main Problem With This Movie:
I got this from Redbox. Yeah sure, they’ve got some B-rated movies in there, but WTF is this shit? This seems like the director is actually still in film school, like just out of high school. I could have made this same EXACT movie with my digital camera and the ‘record video’ button with a group of friends. Such shit. As for the plot, just another typical zombie movie.
Armored (2009)
The Main Problem With This Movie:
Great choice in actors but who the hell thought this plot was good? Sure, maybe for an action movie, I guess at some point that could make sense but it wasn’t played out well at all.
The Road (2009)
The Main Problem With This Movie:
Well, the first 6 hours of this movie you are listening to the boy whine about shit and watch them walk a lot. Then in the end, The dad dies and the boy’s last question is “What shall I do?” Are you kidding me? Viggo spent all that goddamned time trying to teach this kid and he apparently learned nothing.
Possession (2009)
The Main Problem With This Movie:
From the cover I was expecting “horror/thriller” but this is more like a slow crappy love story. And the title? No possessions whatsoever. No supernatural anything going on.
Harry Brown (2010)
The Main Problem With This Movie:
Ok, ok, so I lost this 50, it’s not that it sucked that bad. It’s because I just don’t want to have to re-write up a 50 so it’s going here so that I can keep it short and simple. Not that bad, just could have ended a hell of a lot sooner than it did. There were plenty of times where HB could have easily gotten revenge but decided to waste more time.
The Ghost Writer (2010)
The Main Problem With This Movie:
This would have been a BADASS 50, but this was, I guess, kicking it with Harry Brown and together got lost forever. This one we had a lot of fun watching and talking about so ultimately I hate to put it in this section but like above, I’m not really wanting to 50 it all over again. Yes, this movie has a flaw. A big one. Unlike ‘Burn After Reading’ where the movie really has no point, but you actually loved it anyway after it ended- this movie does the same but leaves you feeling, “why the fuck did I sit here and watch this then????” Quirky ending, but not worth it at all. You think he gets everything situated but then he has to go and die, leaving the secret with the one person who it was about to begin with. Very retarded.
My Son, My Son, What Have Ye Done (2010)
The Main Problem With This Movie:
K, this one DEFINITELY needs to be on this list. What was I thinking getting a David Lynch film? Well, I wasn’t looking for a movie to 50, I was strolling around the new releases at Blockbuster for a nice film to just sit down and enjoy. I picked this up, read the back, looked at the front, and missed the bottom part where it says “The mystery isn’t who, but why” because Blockbuster has to put their huge shit logo all over the damn thing. If I would have seen that part I would have known to put this back. And plus you would think since Willem Dafoe’s in it, the movie wouldn’t be too bad. ‘Dazzling and utterly distinctive’? Distinctive yes, dazzling, no, you just said dazzling because the coo-coo-bat shit retarded actor in the film said the word ‘dazzling’ a few times. ‘Inspired by a true story’. Yeah maybe, but the true story couldn’t have possibly taken that long to go down. Fucking, I never thought I would say this but, ERASERHEAD WAS BETTER THAN THIS. And you all should know how I feel about that movie. (If not you can learn here)
Here’s the deal: CHLOE SEVIGNY, Yeah, I’m talking to you. Why the fuck do you always have this face?
Even Willem Dafoe is like ‘dude, wtf’
Uggh.
Splice (2010)
The Main Problem With This Movie:
Hip techno music and splicing montage. Ugh. You probably fell onto this link because you’re into science or because you like Adrien Brody. I didn’t think he could make a bad film until I decided to have an ‘Adrien Brody Film Weekend’ and rented ‘Splice’ and ‘Giallo’. WORST FILMS WITH ADRIEN BRODY.
The Last Airbender (2010)
The Main Problem With This Movie:
This was “pretty” yes, but it was SOOO long. And the story was rushed. Wait, what, I’m confused now. Yeah, I figured you wouldn’t understand. They took so much time character developing and visualizing shit that the actual concept & story was pushed aside. I also did not know this was a two-parter. I was totally wondering when I’d get to see the candle scene like in the trailer. What a jipp.
The Sorcerer’s Apprentice (2010)
The Main Problem With This Movie:
Actually bringing in Fantasia. Multiple times. Not like they have to pay copyrights or anything since it’s Disney.
Let’s watch Nic Cage have hair because that’s all he wants to be paid for now. That long, flowing, receeding hairline…
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 