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50 Reasons Why ‘Little Otik’ Sucked
Current Mood: страшные деревья
You guys wanted more surreal movies for me to watch so I looked this one up because it was in this list that also included the infamous ‘Eraserhead’. Yeah, we all know what I think about that fucker. Anyways, this is a Russian film. The few Russian movies I’ve seen I’ve loved such as ‘Night Watch’, ‘Day Watch’, & ‘Russian Ark’. Awesome, loved ‘em. But sweet Jesus; this is a whole other fucking… I don’t even know where to begin. It was terrible and low-budgeted. It was filmed in 2001, but I can’t tell if it was the low budget or Russia’s culture that made it look like it was fucking filmed in the 70’s– AT MOST early 80’s. Fandango.com didn’t really have much of a synopsis as you will see here:
“A tree stump whittled in the form of a child starts to devour everything, including people.”
I guess they didn’t have to indulge anymore than that because that’s basically all that happens. And the mother of this tree stump is a tard who doesn’t seem to get that fact that it’s a fucking tree stump, not a real child of her own.
50 Reasons Why ‘Little Otik’ Sucked
1. Ew, gross, black nipples should not be on people.
2. This would be the weirdest elevator music ever. Classical with baby squeals.
3. This is so fucked up, babies being fished out of water, weighed and packed like fish with newspaper.
4. What’s that Asian doing in line?
5. Holy Jesus, where’s the castle? Hunchback old lady.
6. Wtf his pants just unbuttoned themselves and a hand came out of his pants. What.
7. Wtf is a baby doing in a melon?
8. Keeping unwrapped chocolate in your purse…
9. Why would this girl even be interested in reading a huge book about sexual dysfunctions? She’s like 10.
10. We get one huge bottle of water to share between the three of us.
11. So he thinks the wood is a baby? Wait, she does too?
12. Wow, this is a bad prank. What kind of acid is she on?
13. Does he now realize what he’s done?
14. He says, “That is a stupid joke,” What you did: carving that wood, was a fucking bad joke.
15. Pickles with whipped cream. Wtf.
16. Where are they going to vacation every weekend that their neighbors go to too?
17. I hate the close-up camera views of people’s faces.
18. Alright, so why do they keep showing this old lady?
19. They spelled pedophile wrong.
20. It’s gonna get water logged- putting it in a bath.
21. The wood has an asshole. That’s just wrong.
22. Omg I’d divorce her in a heartbeat.
23. Hope she’s got food, he’s leaving her in that cabin for a week.
24. Crazy little girl should *69 his ass. Oh good, the phone line was undone. Smart girl.
25. He’s just milkin’ this so he can get drunk everywhere.
26. Even the cat know’s she’s crazy.
27. Breast feeding a hunk of wood. One of the weirdest things you’ll ever see.
28. Nice claymation. Haven’t seen that shit in a long time. Most movies nowadays have CGI.
29. Varnished him? So they know he’s wood?
30. My god, is this thing really alive or not? It’s fucking driving me crazy.
31. It had an eye in its mouth.
32. Who leaves their baby outside of a grocery store?
33. I’d be traumatized as a child. A tree latched onto my finger.
34. So this is a fairy tale coming true? And it eats people in the fairy tale?
35. Didn’t really understand the nails in the soup.
36. That cat was stripped. She didn’t care bout the cat before and all of a sudden when it’s dead she does.
37. I guess in Prague, baby strollers are called “prams”.
38. “Inferno, the only iron that irons by itself” Billy Mays needs to do an ad for that! Oh wait he can’t.
39. If you are a child molester, this is the movie for you. Definitely.
40. This doctor is giving info over the phone, even if it was a cop on the other line. No No.
41. Dude, they can’t just come into the house like that.
42. Again old man goin’ to grab the little girl’s ass. She shouldn’t be wearing a mini skirt.
43. It’s like a ten foot tree in bed and she’s telling him to be gentle.
44. He can’t get a piece of duct tape over his mouth so he’s putting it on in strips.
45. Of course the little girl is the only keen one around here.
46. It looked A LOT bigger than that.
47. All these people eat is fucking porridge every day.
48. She read the fairy tale, knows it’s gonna eat her, and yet she still unlocks his cage anyways.
49. She just asked the tree if it wanted to catch Hepatitis…
50. Wait, what, it just ended? Wtf.
I wonder if it’s worst nightmare is a wood chipper…. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Wolf Creek’ Sucked
Current Mood: Still confused about those goddamn cockatoos…
I really don’t know why I let myself watch these type of movies. It’s always the same thing: a group of dumbasses go out venturing off somewhere and die. That’s how they ALL are. There’s always some crazy killer guy out in the middle of nowhere. Retarded. This one just happens to be Australian. It’s about some dumb Aussie kids that take a trip to a crater for some stupid fucking reason. Two chicks and a dude then some serial killer shows up. Sounds like the beginning of a bad porno, huh?
50 Reasons Why ‘Wolf Creek’ Sucked
1. 30,000 people go missing? What, do they just walk into the ocean like lemmings?
2. Hold on a second- Aussies drive with their left foot?
3. What a waste of alcohol- splashing it all over some dude.
4. Really is based on true events: people drinking.
5. They fell asleep on the beach, the tide didn’t come in?
6. She was just wearing pants when she went towards the ocean… now she’s wearing shorts leaving the ocean. She must’ve had those pants with the zip off leggings.
7. They bought a car specifically for this trip?
8. There was a shot of the map that said “Warning to travelers in Australia” but didn’t shoot it long enough for anyone to read.
9. This guy sucks at telling this story about a dude and some bright light.
10. A lot of pointless filming of them not doing anything interesting.
11. That’s a fuck ton of cockatoos, I thought those things were only at Petsmart.
12. “I hope it doesn’t rain.” It’s already raining dipshit.
13. They brought all their camping shit and you can’t even camp there. Way to research, idiots.
14. How boring is Australia to where you leave the beach for a fucking crater?
15. How is it not raining in that one little spot she walked to?
16. Awkward first kiss.
17. She was just wearing a ring, and now she is not. It’s still the same scene. Continuity?
18. So there’s some type of electrical field out here that no park rangers or anyone have mentioned?
19. The flashlight works. Interesting.
20. I don’t understand how the lights are coming towards them when they are parked facing the crater… not the road.
21. How are none of these kids carrying absolutely no money on them?
22. So Aussie guy says the car won’t start because of the coil pack… a faulty coil pack wouldn’t stop the car from turning over. Now I’m confused.
23. Weird grunting noise exchange between the guy who thinks he’s a mechanic and Ben.
24. “That’s what you said an hour ago.” How do you know it’s been an hour when your watch doesn’t work?
25. “Must be some sort of mining operation.” REALLY? She must’ve read THE SIGN.
26. This girl’s facial expressions while this guy is telling pig slaughtering stories. Over dramatic.
27. I can’t believe they even fell asleep waiting for this guy to fix their car.
28. Nice, about fucking time this movie decided to go somewhere: Girlie’s all tied up.
29. She had to use a glass shard to get zip-ties off of her. Wow. This one’s a gem.
30. “I always use a rubber with ya cunts, I don’t know where ya been!” At least he’s a smart killer.
31. She’s fucking around, she just needs to shoot him already.
32. Ok, well, she just needs to shoot him again.
33. God woman, blow the motor.
34. Wtf are they doing, get back in the truck, back out, turn around, drive away. It’s that simple.
35. Way to go, roll the truck off the cliff.
36. Hanging out in front of his headlights… that are on. Awesome. So smart.
37. I would have pushed that car off the cliff right in front of him.
38. What’s she being so skeptical for? Just pick a car and get the fuck out.
39. Ok yeah so, he does this to everyone. We see that. Now grab a car and go.
40. Fucking around watching video of people getting fucked over. Still wasting time.
41. She didn’t check the vehicle before getting in it?
42. WHY would you put your hand up, he’s about to slash you with his knife! Of course you’re going to lose your fingers. Dumb, dumb girl.
43. She’s gonna get shin splints pretty quick running on pavement barefoot like that.
44. She’s still getting in and out of that side of the car- the direction he is shooting from.
45. She’s fumbling with the keys but I already heard the engine start. Wtf.
46. He’s loading her body into the car next to the old guy who he never picked up. How’d he get in there already?
47. She was running around barefoot, but while he’s holding her you can see that her feet & soles are super fucking clean.
48. Ben needs to quit being a little bitch and start walking.
49. Random shot of Ben in a suit. Stupid.
50. Aussie guy walking off into sunset. I’m guessing that means ‘The End’.
I don’t know why the Australians even thought about making a film, like it would be successful? Name me one Aussie film that is. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Delicatessen’ Sucked
Current Mood: Wants some noms.
This was all in French. I hate reading movies. I wanted to see this because on the front cover it had 5 stars and it was made by the same guy that did ‘City of the Lost Children’, one of my top 5 FAVORITE films of all time. Yeah, no this one was bad. Guess he didn’t try too hard. Anyways, Fandango.com said this:
“Hungry tenement dwellers of the food-starved future ponder the introduction of a new source of protein.”
Think of it as ‘Sweeny Todd’ in post-apocalyptic France. You get the picture?
50 Reasons Why ‘Delicatessen’ Sucked
1. I don’t think that’s how you sharpen a knife… where’s the leather?
2. Is he dressing up to be a human torch because that’s so going to work. Seriously.
3. We definitely know this is in France because the cars don’t run.
4. Water faucets- that’s like, impossible. Fucking impossible.
5. Advocating children smoking.
6. Uh.. little more work, less play with those bubbles.
7. Ok, enough with the squeaky mattress. We get it. Fornication.
8. She’s not cleaning that rug outside?
9. So you’re automatically weird if you came from a circus.
10. Never-ending knitting for the old lady? Why?
11. What were those spots on that condom?
12. Even without glasses you’re still not attractive.
13. A panty eater? What the hell is a panty eater?
14. “Do you know that tune?” She says yes but they so aren’t playing the same song.
15. Dude, the vase broke, but there was no sound…
16. Did she accidentally drug him? Why is he sleeping?
17. Dr. Livingston was a monkey? How’s he a doctor? You have to go to school for like, 8 years to be a doctor and that monkey doesn’t look that smart.
18. Does he really not understand that it only fucking squeaks when people are fucking on the bed?
19. WAYYY too elaborate of a plan to kill herself.
20. So I’m guessing Julie always falls for these maintenance guys?
21. That was a loud fucking smack across the face.
22. Probably not safe for a girl by herself to be going outside, especially with these feeding situations.
23. How chewy do you think old lady would taste compared to a kid?
24. What the hell kind of sick joke, you don’t even know the girl that well.
25. K, so old lady did die. Why did they show someone walking downstairs with a man screaming?
26. With that horrible piping issue and the secrets they’ve got in that place, I’d so only be writing things down.
27. Seriously what is up with this guy and his frogs and snails?
28. Why can’t this woman think of something a lot easier to kill herself with?
29. Really? He had to taste test the corn he was stealing.
30. Can they make any more noise suction-cupping up that shaft?
31. Haven’t seen that type of muscle therapy in forever.
32. What are these sheep/cow/thing cups?
33. Does that guy really have three legs?
34. That lady’s got like, 4 ways of dying altogether. Shit cannot go wrong this time.
35. Oh wow. She did survive all that.
36. How could they NOT know they grabbed a chick?
37. “There’s only one thing left to do.” Flood the bathroom trapped inside?
38. “Lead can really weigh you down.” Dude, you just got shot.
39. Did those kids just put Elmer’s Glue down the barrel of that gun?
40. Hope everyone has flood insurance at that apartment complex.
41. That gun just imploded from Elmer’s Glue.
42. Usually those boomerangs take some practice.
43. Do these two kids just NOT have parents?
44. Ok, but that doesn’t get rid of the starving situation.
45. So now the kids all of a sudden play the saw and cello?
46. There’s all of a sudden no dust now too?
47. I don’t understand why the whole subject of this movie was emphasized on. It had full potential, the whole ‘cannibalism’ idea.
48. If I have to make out more than half of this script, I’d rather just write it myself.
49. So that’s the movie? Wtf, once those troglodytes showed up in the plot, the whole movie went haywire and became utterly annoying.
50. Fucking French.
Apart from the visuals, there is nothing good that comes out of this. Still kinda confused about some bits, but I’m not watching that shit again to try to understand it more. What a waste of time. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘High Tension’ Sucked
1. “Are they recording?” Don’t you see the little red light fucktard?
2. Why do people that always get injured in movies have to cock one foot inwards?
3. Just because you’re hurt and dying doesn’t make it ok for you to run out in the middle of the road. You could get someone seriously injured.
4. Que the horrible music.
5. That’s an easy way to get head. That’s literally ‘getting head’.
6. “Just up on the right next to the cornfield.” WHICH cornfield?
7. We drive around with our dome-light on.
8. She “sees someone” in the cornfield, gets out but the other girl drives off and fucks with her.
9. Doesn’t make sense for that toy bear to be making tinkerbell noises. Should be a drum sound.
10. Thank god that swing over there in the dark is lighted. Is that thing made out of trees? Like live trees? Why would it make metal noises?
11. What a view: open ass window with perfect view of shower/boobs.
12. Holy hell cassette player.
13. Left handed masturbation with pants still on tight while listening to reggae.
14. Nice bathrobe. Don’t wanna die in that; not too graceful.
15. Nobody is hearing him yelling or the dog that was barking?
16. I don’t think his head would have popped off like that…
17. Very attentive to detail. Even wiping out the sink to make it look like she didn’t use it.
18. That’s a lot of blood on the floor, she better be careful where she steps so there’s no footprints, and go figure, there she goes.
19. Kid is the only smart one and doing the best by running the fuck out of there.
20. Make more noises and say her name some more.
21. Are you kidding me? He heard the birds?
22. You never want to have the blade inwards. It’s always out for a ‘slash then stab’.
23. Secure those keys!
24. So he’s hangin’ out? Making a fire; checking out photos.
25. He uses that knife for everything, damn. It’s his ‘utility blade’.
26. The first time anyone’s had a decent plan. Well, that fucking blows. The door shuts sideways.
27. He just looks like a lonely guy. eHarmony probably didn’t work out too well.
28. No, those sunglasses do NOT make you look like a creepy killer now.
29. I’ll stab you with this axe! That’s for giving me a cheap bottle of liquor!
30. I don’t know how that gas station guy had a gun, they have retarded laws over in Europe.
31. At least he’s nice enough to still use the urinal. If I were a killer, I’d just start peeing all over the place.
32. Technically this should be the ending to the movie with her calling the cops at the gas station.
33. Either you get out of the way dumb bitch or sit under all the liquor.
34. All she has to do is pit maneuver this truck.
35. She really likes her overhead lights on in vehicles. And she has no reverse lights.
36. Awesome lighted movie woods. Typical.
37. Was that a monkey noise? Are there jungles in France?
38. We ALL know that car could outrun that truck. The truck must have a sleeper engine.
39. WHY is that car on fire? All it did was flip.
40. I love all the juicy noises her cut is making when she covers it with a shirt.
41. I don’t know why she couldn’t just reach up and poke herself a hole for her mouth while he’s trying to suffocate her in plastic.
42. What the hell did she just hit him in the head with?
43. Just a couple of hits? I’d be sitting there for an hour hitting him.
44. She kinda looks like Brittany Murphy every once in awhile.
45. Of course, he’s still alive.
46. When he gives up I’d still be sitting there for another few minutes; probably chop his penis off too.
47. “It’s me, Alex!” I was just playing a game, was just a game teehee.
48. So her alter ego is a nasty old French guy? Lame. Most people that get stabbed die. Not this girl.
49. Instead of sitting in the car screaming- get out and run. Did she not learn from the guy? She locks door and then schooches to the other side. Fucking tard.
50. Really, I don’t think it’s that easy to put a crowbar through someone.
This leaves you with a lot of unanswered questions such as, “How does her being the killer explain the piece at the beginning where the killer is masturbating with the head of the previous kill” or how about, “Where did the truck and murder weapons come from?” Altogether this is FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Irreversible’ Sucked
7 Dec 09 Monday
Current Mood: Epileptic
Alright, I must admit before I begin this review…. I had no subtitles. After I figured out I had no subtitles I thought, “Well, this could be interesting do a 50 w/o knowing what the fuck is going on or what they’re saying. How hard can it be?” Well, I also didn’t know that this movie was played in reverse. Shit, now that I think about it- even if the movie was played like a normal goddamned film, people would still be confused. So fuck it. Here’s my 50.
Overview from Fandango:
- Irreversible
- An emotional odyssey that unspools in reverse from gut-wrenching violence to sweetly observed moments of sublime tenderness, the film stars Monica Bellucci and real-life husband Vincent Cassel as a couple whose story is told over the course of a fateful evening in a series of long takes.
Ok, I get it. IT’S A DRAMA. Yeah, with a 9 minute rape scene and a shit ton of nudity, I can imagine some sort of “drama” goin’ down…
It sucked trying to find pictures for this 50. Everyone is freaking over the rape scene in this film so those are really the only pictures posted online.
Fuck me man, this is gonna be long and boring to even sit and type out, just remembering this movie makes me want to sleep… or puke, either one.
1. Credits are rolling backwards… and now they are starting to tilt dramatically.
2. Words are flashing but I don’t think they mean anything.
3. Filming side of building very wobbily. Alcohol helped make this production.
4. Oh thank god, I thought the old guy was gonna be naked.
5. Nice thing is- they don’t have to spend a lot of money on the thing that keeps the camera still.
6. I don’t understand why two guys are sitting on a bed… and yep, that guy is naked.
7. Ugh, what’s up with his foot. Ew.
8. I guess this is what people do in France, so boring there. They’re just waiting for the Germans to overtake them again.
9. I wonder if police cruisers in Europe have American sirens. I mean, we have the Euro sounds here, barely use ’em…
10. Wow, there’s like no equipment in that ambulance at all. US ambulances, we can practically do surgery in ours.
11. More spinning, not sure what we’re supposed to get out of this.
12. Gay BDSM, I think. Can’t really tell because the camera guy is still super drunk.
13. Ugh, I think I just saw a huge penis.
14. This music or whatever is really giving me a headache… along with the spinning. Still.
15. Hey! I know what he said! “Suck my big cock.” An English chap.
16. So what I’m getting out of this so far is that France is pretty gay.
17. He’s looking for someone? Ooh, found a guy, and now smacking him around. Maybe it’s his boyfriend cheating on him.
18. Holy Jesus, dude getting his face smashed in with a fire extinguisher.
19. This guy’s goin’ around starting shit with everyone!
20. Is he a taxi driver or did he just steal it?
21. Ok, that’s not his taxi because he’s beating the shit out of it. Man, he’s having a rough night…
22. Asian cab driver. Are they the Hindu’s of France?
23. The headrest is not on the passenger’s seat, assuming to get a better camera angle, like I wouldn’t notice. Would’ve been smarter just to remove them both from the passenger’s AND driver’s seats.
24. Now he’s starting shit with hookers. We get it. You’re the tough guy in the movie.
25. Fucking christ it’s a tranny. I wish there was like a warning flash.
26. He just got a shiv out of nowhere.
27. If this was a documentary film I’d understand it more because these camera angles suck.
28. Oh gee thanks, the only steady camera angle was when they are just standing and talking.
29. So much French talking. Even if I could understand it, there’d still be too much dialogue.
30. I’m guessing that’s his girlfriend? She’s still alive dude, I know this because we can hear her heart beating. My speakers do not like it.
31. She should’ve just kept walking- don’t mind the other girl getting assaulted. Now you’re fucked.
32. Why don’t rapists wear sweat pants, you think it’d be easier.
33. I just like how she keeps trying to pry his hand off of her face, as if it’s not ok for her to scream anymore even though she was just doing it a shit ton earlier.
34. That guy in the background probably just thought, “Oh, it’s just two lovers fucking in the pathway. I’ll just leave them alone.”
35. The only reason it’s “graphic” is because it’s too long.
36. Wouldn’t the rapist want to get away from the scene, not lay there for awhile next to her?
37. So they aren’t dating, they met at a party? No, nvm, they are dating because they’re fighting now.
38. The timeline is poorly constructed, takes awhile to figure out where it is in the film.
39. The past like, 15 minutes has been the two guys and Monica talking. MY GOD.
40. Did they pay for subway passes? I didn’t see them go through any pay thingy.
41. They’ve been on the subway for 3 stops now, just talking. How much more boring were these people going for?
42. Lay a pillow on the phone, that’ll really shut it up.
43. Monica’s ass, Jesus Christ, it’s like a huge circle of whale blubber.
44. Raspberry in the armpit. How romantic.
45. He’s spitting all in her face, but they’re playing. Wtf. Yeah, that’s hot. Do it some more, hunny!
46. God, they have every light on in their house.
47. Ew WTFing grey/white apple.
48. She must’ve had a clip on that towel at her waist because there’s no way that towel could’ve stayed on. I always have a bitch of a time keeping a towel on me.
49. She didn’t even do anything in the shower. You could barely even call that a rinse-off.
50. Is she or is she not pregnant? Explain. Don’t leave it there. Well, I’m guessing yes if they’re filming her stomach. And here we go with shitty camera angles. omg. I’m gonna barf. Too many circles. ARRGHH GREAT, Epilepsy, like hardcore. JESUS.
This was like watching the Spanish channel for an hour and a half and you don’t know Spanish. My god, I need to go stare at a black wall now. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 