50 Reasons Why ‘The Amazing Spider-man’ Sucked

10/Nov/2012

Current Thoughts: WTF HAPPENS TO THE RAT-LIZARD???

• The Amazing Spider-Man
• Opened July 3, 2012 | Runtime:2 hr 16 min
• PG-13

  Sequences of Action & Violence

• Information for parents: Common Sense Media says OK for kids 12+. Read More
• Peter Parker finds a clue that might help him understand why his parents disappeared when he was young. His path puts him on a collision course with Dr. Curt Connors, his father’s former partner.
• Cast: Andrew Garfield, Emma Stone, Rhys Ifans, Denis Leary, Martin Sheen, Sally Field, Irfan Khan, Campbell Scott
• Director: Marc Webb
• Genres: Action/Adventure

50 Reasons Why ‘The Amazing Spider-man’ Sucked

1. Unoriginal opening credits.

2. How long was he counting for the dad to whip up that trick behind the curtains?

3. Hey, A.D.D., put dad’s glasses down & find him.

4. I could see being ‘wtf’ about this briefcase, but not emotional.

5. There’s nothing in it my ass- this looks like a lot of stuff.

6. He goes at this super-secret section of the briefcase like it’s going to run away from him.

7. “She’s pretty” Horrible photo. You seriously have nothing better?

8. Keeps wearing Dad’s glasses.

9. I HIGHLY doubt she’d be able to wear that shit to work.

10. And as a high school student, I don’t think she’d be manning this tour all to herself.

11. How has no one else got bitten if there are that many spiders? He couldn’t possibly be the first.

12. Spider squeaks.

13. My parents would be all over my shit if I randomly started acting like that.

14. Some things stick to him & others don’t.

15. Gwen doesn’t say much, lots of half- words, incomplete sentences.

16. That’s it? Peter just did a major breakthrough for you & your company & there was barely a thanks.

17. Peter’s like, “Why don’t I give the antidote to the mice? I have two hands…”

18. Who’s calling an ambulance? NO ONE is around suddenly.

19. Flash coming up to talk about dead uncle- no matter what, your enemies will never do that. High school doesn’t work that way. This movie is just too sappy.

20. Negatives hanging in the window.

21. That many thugs are just hanging out on building roof tops.

22. Cop yells ‘Freeze’ but automatically shoots at him, not wasting any time. I think he might get reprimanded for that.

23. Indian guy, reminding Dr. what happened. That convo wouldn’t happen in real life, only happening because we are watching.

24. Rash? Nurse? Is she retarded? Wouldn’t you recommend going to your primary care physician?

25. You didn’t have an arm before? Why are you trying to use it so quickly like it’s an instinct?

26. The only pair of foot protection she owns.

27. Fucking moron, Indian, for even trying the car door on the side that is completely blocked.

28. Rainbowy lizard in a city sewer.

29. Peter busts the basketball back board & now the football goal. People aren’t seriously questioning this kid?

30. Peter can do algorithms but he doesn’t know anything about cold blooded things or lizards? Can’t Google that shit?

31. He sees the mouse-lizard thing & doesn’t kill it, at least?

32. Crazy multiple colored lizards?

33. Dr. recording shit for science but then shoves camera as if in shame.

34. So all doctors in Spider-man have crazy schizo voices in the heads?

35. Hopefully this school is super ghetto & doesn’t have any cameras.

36. Peter not dirty whatsoever even though they are dueling it out & busting down walls, etc.

37. When there is a giant play button on the screen- you cannot NOT hit it.

38. So it’s suddenly night time.

39. Lizard is massive but his lab coat still fits proportionally, just like the Hulk.

40. Police have some sort of zappy weaponry- like a hardcore Taser round.

41. This Spider-man just doesn’t give a shit about identity issues.

42. His tail keeps hitting the OSCORP piano that is in the building? Oh no, just crappy movie music.

43. Music is now slightly like that of ‘Titanic’.

44. Ridiculous amount of swinging on cranes. Just get there already.

45. Detonation times always take forever.

46. Liquid nitrogen on the roof?

47. Shoot something other than Lizard’s hand.

48. Spider-man stares at blue shit, waiting until the last sec before putting it in.

49. He can’t even be honest with Gwen.

50. That’s a horrible front door by the way. You don’t have that shit in a scary city like that.

FAIL.

50 Reasons Why ‘Snow White & the Huntsman’ Sucked

9/Oct/2012
Current Thoughts: Visually great, disaster otherwise.

• Snow White and the Huntsman
• Opened June 1, 2012 | Runtime:2 hr 7 min
• PG-13

  Intense Sequences of Action, Brief Sensuality and Intense Sequences of Violence

• Information for parents: Common Sense Media says OK for kids 14+. Read More
• In a twist to the fairy tale, the Huntsman ordered to take Snow White into the woods to be killed winds up becoming her protector and mentor in a quest to vanquish the Evil Queen.
• Cast: Kristen Stewart, Chris Hemsworth, Charlize Theron, Sam Claflin, Sam Spruell, Ian McShane
• Director: Rupert Sanders
• Genres: Action/Adventure, Sci-Fi/Fantasy

50 Reasons Why ‘Snow White & the Huntsman’ Sucked

1. Oh Christ, Thor’s in this. Well, at least it’s an easy transition.

2. I’ve pricked my finger & blood’s never came gushing out like that, you really have to squeeze.

3. Because that’s the first thing I think of too when I see blood. Naming my future daughter.

4. Dark Army does a shitty job of taking care of their flags.

5. Ravenna starts talking all crazy about hating men & he’s still kissing on her.

6. Shittiest attempts to escape the castle.

7. The mirror is actually a T1000 Limited Gold Edition.

8. You really had to go all the way out to the middle of the floor just to say that? Thanks, mirror.

9. Snow, you’ve got a nice flame going- I think you’re good on the blowing.

10. Statue of Liberty made out of Elmer’s Glue.

11. Ravenna obviously wasn’t breathing at all when she did this ‘milk’ bath thing because she’d totally have air bubbles popping out of her nose & spit bubbles.

12. Where’s Dumbledore?

13. Of course the queen has issues if she’s having this strange brother/sister relationship.

14. I’m not a fucking mirror right now.

15. After all these years of being stuck in this cell, she’s just now noticing this giant nail?

16. That’s it? That’s all you did? He’ll look like Scar now but dude, you should’ve shanked him.

17. You think she’d be all lethargic & winded from being trapped so long.

18. She jumped like, 3ft. It looked much higher than that.

19. She didn’t drown from the dress.

20. How convenient. A horse.

21. Army already right there to get her.

22. Omg Artax. Not the Swamp of Sadness! And she doesn’t stick around to cry for an hour? That’s almost mandatory.

23. Alien noise. Where’s Ridley Scott? It’s because Charlize is in this?

24. Charlize- always on the verge of crying, no matter what role.

25. “You really miss her.” Well no shit, she was my wife.

26. “A life for a life.” Someone get Creasy Bear!

27. These woods are like 2 seconds away from the castle?

28. CGI not the best in this movie but holy hell, his hand melting- that was bad.

29. William’s arrows making noises as they shoot into people.

30. Thanks Thor, that dress was actually irritating me. I’m shocked she didn’t rip it off a long time ago.

31. So he sneaks away from the village & it catches on fire & he’s still next to it. He must walk REALLY SLOW & she must have been asleep for only like 5 minutes. And BAM, he’s already back to save her.

32. At least her hair is finally in a ponytail. You can’t be in the wilderness without that shit.

33. They couldn’t get actual midgets?

34. Omg, my allergies would be driving me crazy. I think I would seriously die here.

35. It got kinda hokey here in fairy land. Kinda gay.

36. So no one sees this deer because of its rarity & he’s supposed to be like a nature god???? And he’s standing in a pond next to a tree??? I swear to god we are now watching a live action version of ‘Princess Mononoke’… Take a step, seriously, make something grow. And it gets shot!!!

37. God, this movie is dragging on.

38. William is more dirty looking than Gus who supposedly lives in the woods.

39. It’s been miles & you’re just now trying to apologize for leaving me all those years ago?

40. Fucking sweet Lady Gaga.

41. This is why Kristen Stewart was casted- because she’s good at laying & playing dead.

42. Worst battle motivation speech ever.

43. Why’d Ravenna let herself go that long if she had this plethora of girls?

44. Snow’s position riding to the castle- just pick a spot! Fucking continuity.

45. Well maybe she should’ve kept her hair down with those dumbo ears.

46. At the rate these ‘glass Venom’s’ are going, there shouldn’t be anyone left alive.

47. Holding Snow over the fire- her hair should be completely singed.

48. Waste of power standing in the fire, looking all crazy.

49. You’re queen now, why don’t you smile?

50. What is he, a Jedi now? Huntsman, what are you wearing?

FAIL.