Monthly Archives: December 2009
50 Reasons Why ‘High Tension’ Sucked
1. “Are they recording?” Don’t you see the little red light fucktard?
2. Why do people that always get injured in movies have to cock one foot inwards?
3. Just because you’re hurt and dying doesn’t make it ok for you to run out in the middle of the road. You could get someone seriously injured.
4. Que the horrible music.
5. That’s an easy way to get head. That’s literally ‘getting head’.
6. “Just up on the right next to the cornfield.” WHICH cornfield?
7. We drive around with our dome-light on.
8. She “sees someone” in the cornfield, gets out but the other girl drives off and fucks with her.
9. Doesn’t make sense for that toy bear to be making tinkerbell noises. Should be a drum sound.
10. Thank god that swing over there in the dark is lighted. Is that thing made out of trees? Like live trees? Why would it make metal noises?
11. What a view: open ass window with perfect view of shower/boobs.
12. Holy hell cassette player.
13. Left handed masturbation with pants still on tight while listening to reggae.
14. Nice bathrobe. Don’t wanna die in that; not too graceful.
15. Nobody is hearing him yelling or the dog that was barking?
16. I don’t think his head would have popped off like that…
17. Very attentive to detail. Even wiping out the sink to make it look like she didn’t use it.
18. That’s a lot of blood on the floor, she better be careful where she steps so there’s no footprints, and go figure, there she goes.
19. Kid is the only smart one and doing the best by running the fuck out of there.
20. Make more noises and say her name some more.
21. Are you kidding me? He heard the birds?
22. You never want to have the blade inwards. It’s always out for a ‘slash then stab’.
23. Secure those keys!
24. So he’s hangin’ out? Making a fire; checking out photos.
25. He uses that knife for everything, damn. It’s his ‘utility blade’.
26. The first time anyone’s had a decent plan. Well, that fucking blows. The door shuts sideways.
27. He just looks like a lonely guy. eHarmony probably didn’t work out too well.
28. No, those sunglasses do NOT make you look like a creepy killer now.
29. I’ll stab you with this axe! That’s for giving me a cheap bottle of liquor!
30. I don’t know how that gas station guy had a gun, they have retarded laws over in Europe.
31. At least he’s nice enough to still use the urinal. If I were a killer, I’d just start peeing all over the place.
32. Technically this should be the ending to the movie with her calling the cops at the gas station.
33. Either you get out of the way dumb bitch or sit under all the liquor.
34. All she has to do is pit maneuver this truck.
35. She really likes her overhead lights on in vehicles. And she has no reverse lights.
36. Awesome lighted movie woods. Typical.
37. Was that a monkey noise? Are there jungles in France?
38. We ALL know that car could outrun that truck. The truck must have a sleeper engine.
39. WHY is that car on fire? All it did was flip.
40. I love all the juicy noises her cut is making when she covers it with a shirt.
41. I don’t know why she couldn’t just reach up and poke herself a hole for her mouth while he’s trying to suffocate her in plastic.
42. What the hell did she just hit him in the head with?
43. Just a couple of hits? I’d be sitting there for an hour hitting him.
44. She kinda looks like Brittany Murphy every once in awhile.
45. Of course, he’s still alive.
46. When he gives up I’d still be sitting there for another few minutes; probably chop his penis off too.
47. “It’s me, Alex!” I was just playing a game, was just a game teehee.
48. So her alter ego is a nasty old French guy? Lame. Most people that get stabbed die. Not this girl.
49. Instead of sitting in the car screaming- get out and run. Did she not learn from the guy? She locks door and then schooches to the other side. Fucking tard.
50. Really, I don’t think it’s that easy to put a crowbar through someone.
This leaves you with a lot of unanswered questions such as, “How does her being the killer explain the piece at the beginning where the killer is masturbating with the head of the previous kill” or how about, “Where did the truck and murder weapons come from?” Altogether this is FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Supernova’ Sucked
10 Dec 09 Thursday
Current Mood:Big, burple, & cooing.
Synopsis by James Brundage filmcritic.com
Supernova is the story about a rescue vessel sent into deep space to pick someone up from a rogue moon. To make a short story shorter, they find both the person (who is, of course, accompanied with creepy music) and an alien artifact capable of creating new matter. Every person who touches the stuff becomes endowed with superhuman strength.
It only takes the discerning viewer a few seconds to figure all this out.
Since the creepy guy the crew picked up from the planet has touched the thing, and since he is obviously the bad guy, the rest of the crew spends all of their time trying to stop him.
That’s about it. I have eliminated your need to see it.
1. Jesus, most confusing intro to a movie ever.
2. Ugh, um, well… maybe… kinda, ok, nvm, no I still don’t know what’s going on. Wait, I think I just saw boobs.
3. World’s smallest ping pong table.
4. They can’t get a better robot in the future? They have better robots now!
5. Ship’s beeping- quick, everyone look like you’re doing something important.
6. The main control room looks like Star Trek’s ship from the 70’s.
7. Yes, those were boobs. 1 pair out of the two chicks aboard. Out of 6 people in total. Bitty tiny ship.
8. If this ship was so smart like they say, don’t you think it would notify them of where they were and of their surroundings?
9. And if it were that smart, it wouldn’t have let that old guy turn into a meaty mess.
10. They’re falling faster than gravity (9.8) when they’re falling 98 m/s. What?
11. They’ve got Patron in space? That’s pretty good.
12. Talking about pears in bottles, “How do you think they get it out?” She look like she wants to *squish*
13. They went into no gravity to have sex. They even have porno music.
14. “They didn’t have to crucify Jesus, but they did.” Wow, you didn’t have to bring good ‘ole JC up, dude.
15. Does he get a tan while he gets scanned like that?
16. Healthy as a horse? Not all horses are healthy.
17. “I’m sorry, you’re very pretty. I haven’t been around a girl in awhile.” Does that mean you currently have a hardon?
18. The new guy is relaying crap back to the black chick, “I remembered that for 3 years.”
19. They don’t have normal ladders in space- they have V-shaped ladders.
20. I want that X-ray camera thing, the only cool thing in this movie.
21. Open up the box of unknown. Smart. Oh yeah, touch the unknown. Even smarter.
22. It’s cooing. It’s a big blue/purple glowing dove. Has to be.
23. So he went searching for this blob thing? It’s like geocaching in space.
24. Why would they think for a second that thing is man-made?
25. “I’m offering you an opportunity of a lifetime.” Dude, you act like you have some sort of authority on this ship…
26. He’s going all by himself to this moon?
27. Why does this vessel keep opening and closing random shutters?
28. “I knew you’d be coming this way.” Yeah, because there are only like, 3 passage ways on this ship and my room happens to be down this one, retard.
29. Why do they go into zero gravity for sex? Most awkward sex scene ever.
30. Thanks asshole computer for not telling me about these fast dropping elevators. You don’t shut up about anything else and you leave this one tiny detail out.
31. That’s the only type of flashlight they have in the future? C’mon, it’s not even LED.
32. Good thing their uniforms include leotards so he looks awesome while doing standing push-ups.
33. Was that a little midget hand pointing to the dead guy?
34. So their ship controls the equipment on the moon too?
35. I bet he feels like he’s playing one of those toy/claw machines, trying to get to the captain.
36. He’s running so he won’t get burned from the shuttle but he jumped. I’m surprised he didn’t burn from that.
37. He threw her into a padded pit. Was that supposed to hurt?
38. God, he’s just picking crew members off and shootin’ them out of the ship.
39. “What are you gonna do? Shoot me?” Yeah, that’s the goal…
40. Damn dude, he couldn’t dodge that? I thought he had super-human strength?
41. Well I guess they have Sigs in the future. FFDO.
42. A harpoon hurt him more than a bullet.
43. Gay guy’s trying to get the computer to act “human”.
44. Computer is saying it can’t harm humans, but it is very clear that guy is soooo not human.
45. I just noticed he lost his eyebrows for some reason.
46. Rescue Return Transport is returning, and it is returning with epic music.
47. After what she did, I bet he doesn’t have eyelashes anymore since he’s constantly losing more and more hair.
48. Wait, back up, why the fuck is there even a harpoon gun on this ship in the first place? Are they a space-whaling vessel?
49. Why is this 9th dimensional matter all of a sudden becoming unstable?
50. Dude, she’s preggo. You have my eyeball. I have yours.
I forgot to mention that the director of this film took his name off right before they opened it in theaters. That should tell you how bad this was right there. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Quarantine’ Sucked
9 Dec 09 Wednesday
Current Mood: Coming down with a case of Rabies
Fandango.com Overview:
Television reporter Angela Vidal and her cameraman are assigned to spend the night shift with a Los Angeles Fire Station. After a routine 911 call takes them to a small apartment building, they find police officers already on the scene in response to blood curdling screams coming from one of the apartment units. They soon learn that a woman living in the building has been infected by something unknown. After a few of the residents are viciously attacked, they try to escape with the news crew in tow, only to find that the CDC has quarantined the building. Phones, internet, televisions and cell phone access have been cut-off, and officials are not relaying information to those locked inside. When the quarantine is finally lifted, the only evidence of what took place is the news crew’s videotape.
… *raises eyebrow*… Come on now, rabies?? Really? Cujo had rabies and he was SO much scarier than this.
1. How uneventful is this city that a news station does a shoot on ‘what firefighters do’.
2. “Pretend it’s not even there.” So he stares into the camera even more.
3. “Probably not allowed to swear on your station.” No, no on any station, our fire fighters are retards.
4. Her laugh, dude, she sounds like a total idiot.
5. “Pole Hole”. Of course they find this amusing.
6. Yeah I bet you wanna see some action, goin’ into the shower room.
7. And this city is so uneventful the fire fighters are fucking off the whole time.
8. Omg the fire could be huge now because it’s taking the news crew so long to get to the truck.
9. Glad to see this movie makes fire fighters out to be pussy-hungry assholes.
10. This is supposed to be in L.A.? L.A.’s a lot busier than this.
11. Does she have rabies? Wtf.
12. Double tap that bitch to the head, wtf are you waiting for?
13. “Tape everything, you hear me? Tape everything!” Well, yeah, bitch, I just told you earlier that my boss said I had to regardless.
14. I’ve decided that everyone in this movie is over dramatic and annoying.
15. Fabric workshop in the apartment complex.
16. How/why did the fire fighter randomly fall from the top floor? Banana peel?
17. That was the most dramatic fall I’ve ever seen- the chick that smacked into the wall.
18. She died from smacking into the wall?
19. Cop’s afraid he did something wrong, “You saw that, right?” Dude, it’s on the camera that you were bitching about. Bet you’re ok with me filming now, huh?
20. Finger point- camera guy, you’re in trouble now.
21. “Precaution for what?” Tell me you just didn’t hear all the gunshots or people screaming? Are you kidding?
22. “I’d be forced to force you.” *facepalm*
23. What’d they just come off the boat? How’d they get an apartment?
24. I’ve just figured out what the problem is: People are going crazy because there is no cable.
25. She’s blue and she’s drooling/puking/wheezing. I would not be touching that shit.
26. How does anyone outside of the apartment know it’s contaminated?
27. That guy repelled in because that’s how tactically cool he is.
28. Geez, why do they keep pushing the guy with the gun? He’s black and he has a gun.
29. “We have a TV crew in here!” How does she think that’s going to make any difference?
30. “I don’t like being sick.” No one does, kid. Fucking retard.
31. Why wasn’t anyone keeping an eye on the injured fire fighter?
32. I didn’t know rabies was 100% fatal.
33. Correct me if I’m wrong, but if the outside people have a jammer blocking cell phones & cable, couldn’t it block bunny ears too? Different bandwidth maybe?
34. Don’t open the door- the dog got the guy, why would you open the door?
35. K, chick attacking 4 people that were trying to watch TV with bunny ears. My question is how her teeth got all jagedy. So when you get infected your teeth suddenly change form?
36. That’s a damn strong camera lens.
37. “Maybe this is all his fault.” Yeah, blame it on the paralyzed old black guy from Africa.
38. CDC is coming and they’re about 100 yds away but it sounds like Darth Vader is breathing down the camera guy’s neck.
39. And if you’re breathing that hard through a gas mask, you’ve got a problem.
40. Usually you shave the hair so it doesn’t get all wrapped up in the drill…
41. Why didn’t they move her out of the way of the stairwell because now that she’s handcuffed to it, she’s in command of it when she gets infected. Think, people.
42. This old lady “that started all this action” is on the move. She’s like the traveling gnome.
43. Omg black guy’s retarded, he saw how everyone got bitten, and he just turned his back on her.
44. K, guy gets shot by sniper so camera guy goes to get a better shot at the sniper directly in front of the window.
45. Let’s go to the mailboxes to find out where Yuri lives when you could have totally just re-winded the tape back to the part where you guy’s were talking about it before. Just risk your lives some more. It’s cool.
46. Why was everything bouncing around in the elevator? It’s rabies, not an earthquake.
47. They’re leaving the crazy, satan-speaking tape playing. I would have turned it off.
48. That attic hatch just happened to fall at the exact moment they walk over there? It’s been waiting to pop down on someone for so long now. It finally has the opportunity.
49. Because all night vision makes that noise when you turn it on.
50. Why do we keep filming her- you should be focused on that skinny guy at all times. And it’s not like she has light on her so I don’t know why it makes her feel more safe.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Irreversible’ Sucked
7 Dec 09 Monday
Current Mood: Epileptic
Alright, I must admit before I begin this review…. I had no subtitles. After I figured out I had no subtitles I thought, “Well, this could be interesting do a 50 w/o knowing what the fuck is going on or what they’re saying. How hard can it be?” Well, I also didn’t know that this movie was played in reverse. Shit, now that I think about it- even if the movie was played like a normal goddamned film, people would still be confused. So fuck it. Here’s my 50.
Overview from Fandango:
- Irreversible
- An emotional odyssey that unspools in reverse from gut-wrenching violence to sweetly observed moments of sublime tenderness, the film stars Monica Bellucci and real-life husband Vincent Cassel as a couple whose story is told over the course of a fateful evening in a series of long takes.
Ok, I get it. IT’S A DRAMA. Yeah, with a 9 minute rape scene and a shit ton of nudity, I can imagine some sort of “drama” goin’ down…
It sucked trying to find pictures for this 50. Everyone is freaking over the rape scene in this film so those are really the only pictures posted online.
Fuck me man, this is gonna be long and boring to even sit and type out, just remembering this movie makes me want to sleep… or puke, either one.
1. Credits are rolling backwards… and now they are starting to tilt dramatically.
2. Words are flashing but I don’t think they mean anything.
3. Filming side of building very wobbily. Alcohol helped make this production.
4. Oh thank god, I thought the old guy was gonna be naked.
5. Nice thing is- they don’t have to spend a lot of money on the thing that keeps the camera still.
6. I don’t understand why two guys are sitting on a bed… and yep, that guy is naked.
7. Ugh, what’s up with his foot. Ew.
8. I guess this is what people do in France, so boring there. They’re just waiting for the Germans to overtake them again.
9. I wonder if police cruisers in Europe have American sirens. I mean, we have the Euro sounds here, barely use ’em…
10. Wow, there’s like no equipment in that ambulance at all. US ambulances, we can practically do surgery in ours.
11. More spinning, not sure what we’re supposed to get out of this.
12. Gay BDSM, I think. Can’t really tell because the camera guy is still super drunk.
13. Ugh, I think I just saw a huge penis.
14. This music or whatever is really giving me a headache… along with the spinning. Still.
15. Hey! I know what he said! “Suck my big cock.” An English chap.
16. So what I’m getting out of this so far is that France is pretty gay.
17. He’s looking for someone? Ooh, found a guy, and now smacking him around. Maybe it’s his boyfriend cheating on him.
18. Holy Jesus, dude getting his face smashed in with a fire extinguisher.
19. This guy’s goin’ around starting shit with everyone!
20. Is he a taxi driver or did he just steal it?
21. Ok, that’s not his taxi because he’s beating the shit out of it. Man, he’s having a rough night…
22. Asian cab driver. Are they the Hindu’s of France?
23. The headrest is not on the passenger’s seat, assuming to get a better camera angle, like I wouldn’t notice. Would’ve been smarter just to remove them both from the passenger’s AND driver’s seats.
24. Now he’s starting shit with hookers. We get it. You’re the tough guy in the movie.
25. Fucking christ it’s a tranny. I wish there was like a warning flash.
26. He just got a shiv out of nowhere.
27. If this was a documentary film I’d understand it more because these camera angles suck.
28. Oh gee thanks, the only steady camera angle was when they are just standing and talking.
29. So much French talking. Even if I could understand it, there’d still be too much dialogue.
30. I’m guessing that’s his girlfriend? She’s still alive dude, I know this because we can hear her heart beating. My speakers do not like it.
31. She should’ve just kept walking- don’t mind the other girl getting assaulted. Now you’re fucked.
32. Why don’t rapists wear sweat pants, you think it’d be easier.
33. I just like how she keeps trying to pry his hand off of her face, as if it’s not ok for her to scream anymore even though she was just doing it a shit ton earlier.
34. That guy in the background probably just thought, “Oh, it’s just two lovers fucking in the pathway. I’ll just leave them alone.”
35. The only reason it’s “graphic” is because it’s too long.
36. Wouldn’t the rapist want to get away from the scene, not lay there for awhile next to her?
37. So they aren’t dating, they met at a party? No, nvm, they are dating because they’re fighting now.
38. The timeline is poorly constructed, takes awhile to figure out where it is in the film.
39. The past like, 15 minutes has been the two guys and Monica talking. MY GOD.
40. Did they pay for subway passes? I didn’t see them go through any pay thingy.
41. They’ve been on the subway for 3 stops now, just talking. How much more boring were these people going for?
42. Lay a pillow on the phone, that’ll really shut it up.
43. Monica’s ass, Jesus Christ, it’s like a huge circle of whale blubber.
44. Raspberry in the armpit. How romantic.
45. He’s spitting all in her face, but they’re playing. Wtf. Yeah, that’s hot. Do it some more, hunny!
46. God, they have every light on in their house.
47. Ew WTFing grey/white apple.
48. She must’ve had a clip on that towel at her waist because there’s no way that towel could’ve stayed on. I always have a bitch of a time keeping a towel on me.
49. She didn’t even do anything in the shower. You could barely even call that a rinse-off.
50. Is she or is she not pregnant? Explain. Don’t leave it there. Well, I’m guessing yes if they’re filming her stomach. And here we go with shitty camera angles. omg. I’m gonna barf. Too many circles. ARRGHH GREAT, Epilepsy, like hardcore. JESUS.
This was like watching the Spanish channel for an hour and a half and you don’t know Spanish. My god, I need to go stare at a black wall now. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Star Trek’ (2009) Sucked
7 Dec 09 Monday
Current Mood: Cheesy
Here is the synopsis from Fandango.com I guess Fandango thinks everyone IN THE WORLD knows what Star Trek is from the lack of depth in this overview:
“From director J.J. Abrams (“Mission: Impossible III,” “Lost” and “Alias”), producers Damon Lindelof and Bryan Burk and screenwriters Roberto Orci & Alex Kurtzman (“Transformers,” “MI: III”) comes a new vision of the greatest space adventure of all time, “Star Trek,” featuring a young, new crew venturing boldly where no one has gone before.”
Wow, thanks Fandango.
1. They see torpedoes coming at them and totally get blasted… I thought they had shields and what not.
2. Wtf is that Alien thing doing on their ship.
3. Evacuate the crew? To where? That enemy ship is HUGE.
4. Is that like, a meat locker? Why were they plastic clear curtains?
5. What is preggo doing on that ship?
6. Where are these people propelling from? Is there like a rock wall on their ship?
7. It’s like the Titanic’s sinking, no one’s getting anywhere.
8. Woah, creepy nurse lady delivering chick’s baby. I’d be screaming too if I saw her.
9. I hope everyone got off the ship before the captain decided to impact that other huge ship.
10. So the only way to kill alien ships is to fly your own ship into it? The good ole’ Jap way.
11. Hover bike vs. car with wheels…. yeah, you’re not getting away.
12. Isn’t that a bad planet; Vulcan? I don’t really know, they seem like they get a bad rep.
13. There’s obviously still math in the future, we haven’t designed a computer to do it all.
14. So the Vulcans are like the Asians of the Universe…
15. Why is there a giant bowl here? A learning bowl?
16. Dude, why do we all keep going to the same hairstylist? He’s got a monopoly goin’ on where the Vulcans live.
17. Is this years later or does he grow fast? Usually you show us a thing in the corner: “___ years later”
18. I think that “Live long and prosper” was more of a “fuck you” to that academy…
19. That was like the most pathetic grope ever.
20. “Your father was captain for 12 minutes- I dare you to do better.” ….. TEN minutes!
21. I’ll leave you a toy ship so when you get to the actual ships you’ll know which one is the right ship.
22. That’s retarded. A test you can’t beat.
23. There are Pelican Cases in the future. Ftw.
24. Oh look, the Unites States States Enterprise! What is the second ‘s’ for I’m confused.
25. Is Kumar in here, Harold? No, we’re not going to White Castle in this. We’re going to Vulcan.
26. That’s like sleeping and waking up in almost a car crash, like not smart that they can’t see what they are hyper speeding into.
27. Can’t you hyper warp back out of there?
28. Kirk, you’re not supposed to be here anyway so come with me to this ship so we can kill ourselves.
29. White power ranger, blue power ranger…. Ooh, red power ranger.
30. Yeah, I’d have to say fuck that. That’s REAL skydiving. Well, galaxy diving.
31. So enemy ship didn’t see 3 little people shoot out of the ship?
32. WHY THE FUCK didn’t he pull his shoot?
33. Of course, he’s Chinese, they can always flip around and fight. All he wanted was White Castle.
34. Guy who didn’t open his shoot had the chargers… that’s why EACH PERSON should have their own charger.
35. So I think the Czechoslovakian or whatever Slav guy meant to say “ten minutes” but it sounded like “biscuits”.
36. They had to beam Spock down in the middle of nowhere- not anywhere he needed to be.
37. Well Spock’s mom shouldn’t have posted up so close to the ledge. Serves her right.
38. “I am now a member of an endangered species.” Well, not really. You’re not a purebred.
39. I love his over acting, it’s really making this movie. “Damn it, man!”
40. Wow, they really kicked him off the ship, just shot him out. Tuck and roll, grandma!
41. There’s no containment room on that ship, they just shoot you out??
42. Holy Jesus, of all planets you put me on this shitty one with tremors and snow.
43. “Are you out of your Vulcan mind?” Seriously. Retarded.
44. This future Spock ruins all surprise: “Beam me up Scotty” & “You’re gonna become Captain”
45. “Either we’re going down…. or they are.” NO SHIT FUCKFACE.
46. Does that ship really need all those spinning parts? Is it that necessary?
47. I thought he was screaming “FUCK!” but I guess it was really, “SPOCK!”
48. “You can’t even speak.” No shit, asshole, you’re strangling me.
49. It’s basically gonna blow up anyways from being turned into a black hole so why waste your ammo on it?
50. Ooh, he’s got a gold shirt and sits with his legs crossed. How gay of him.
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 