50 Reasons Why ‘Piranha (1978)’ Sucked

17/9/2010

Current Mood: Fish don’t have eyelids.

• Piranha (1978)
• Ravenous, razor-fanged fish dine on hapless people.
• Cast: Bradford Dillman, Heather Menzies, Kevin McCarthy, Keenan Wynn, Dick Miller
• Director: Joe Dante
• Genres: Parody/SpoofHorror ComedyNatural HorrorComedyHorror

Dude Fandango, not even rated? Short synopsis? Let’s see what that new one says…

• Piranha 3D
• Opened August 20, 2010 | Runtime:1 hr. 29 min.
• R

  Sequences of strong bloody horror violence and gore, graphic nudity, sexual content, language and some drug use

• Every year the population of sleepy Lake Victoria explodes from 5,000 to 50,000 for Spring Break; a riot of sun and drunken fun. But this year, there’s something more to worry about than hangovers and complaints from local old timers; A new type of terror is about to be cut loose on Lake Victoria. After a sudden underwater tremor sets free scores of the prehistoric man-eating fish, an unlikely group of strangers must band together to stop themselves from becoming fish food for the area’s new razor-toothed residents.
• Cast: Elisabeth Shue, Adam Scott, Jerry O’Connell, Ving Rhames, Jessica Szohr
• Director: Alexandre Aja
• Genres: Action ThrillerHorror ComedyNatural HorrorComedyHorror

That’s more like it. Either way, I’ve only seen the old one, just this one time actually, not even knowing what it was really about. I’m sure this new one isn’t any better. Probably more gore, but nothing smarter. By the way, I also thought this was about one massive piranha, like what the cover of the dvd portrayed. Gay.

50 Reasons Why ‘Piranha’ Sucked

1. The fog is so crazy in these woods, so swift, and looks so unhealthy to be breathing in.

2. ‘Got your breath?’ Well, now I do. Thanks.

3. They aren’t even hiking with flashlights.

4. Thank God there’s this street light/moon out.

5. Bush, I saw bush. Well, I guess this is the 70’s, it’s ok to film that. This also looks like a hatchery with the nets ‘n shit in the pool. Water’s all green too, I don’t think people would be stupid enough to swim in that.

6. Fucking pan the camera already. Yes, tubes, Panning, panning, man in building, FINALLY.

7. I bet they thought they were the shit back then for making the water turn red on the opening title. So quirky.

8. Ah, I was hoping they’d show smoking on the plane.

9. That’s the Dos Equis guy!

10. God, she’s all up in his business, standing super close to him while he eats.

11.”B.R. Barbara Randall.” Or Bob Ross.

12. Um.. wtf. Wtf was that dinosaur?! And what’s with this space shuttle music in the background????

13. He complains about her going through a backpack but not the building…

14. Car squealing on dirt, you think you’d go slower if you’ve had that much trauma.

15. His cantene disappeared and then reappeared when they get to his body…

16. “Do you mind if I come in for a minute?” You are already in.

17. “Do you mind if I sit here?” JESUS LADY.

18. Trying to get under the covers for 5 minutes now? Was she cold or wait… did they just do it? Random cut off, that was weird. I didn’t get it.

19. This is a summer camp asshole, not boot camp. I’ve heard motivation before, but this guy’s a dick.

20. Pull your legs out of the water then!

21. A shovel? Don’t you think you’d notify police first?

22. ‘Stay in! Stay in!’ Then jump over dad, you’re tipping the boat.

23. Fucking retarded children, all they’re doing is being stupid in the water, no kids actually do that. They swim around.

24. What was he thinking, that canoe was fine. Getting the kid fucked up everything.

25. Seriously, this scientist is dead weight, dump him. You didn’t take Dos Equis guy, so why bother with, oh way to go, you attracted piranha’s with his seeping blood.

26. Piranha’s are still going after the boat even though there is a huge tasty body now in the water. They don’t seem too smart to me.

27. Cardboard cut-out acting.

28. Why would they stay there and just let him go to the dam? Why not go with? They are on land?

29. She said “Piran-yah”.

30. English lady’s eyes keep popping out. And jesus lady, can you do any more hair flips?

31. “Look up in the sky, it’s superman!” then flashes tits. Why bother with the superman schpeal if you’re gonna flash your boobs? Confused with that tactic.

32. Swastika on the cell wall.

33. Ghost story at the camp fire- is that supposed to be the moon???

34. Wow, they are really behind if they are opening tomorrow.

35. So much easier to get the shoes off first AND THEN the pants… that’s just my opinion though.

36. Nice try kid? They were paper scissors trying to cut a wad of more paper.

37. More tire squealing on the dirt.

38. A bunch of piranhas were going for teenage snatch. Kinda distasteful but hey, this was the 70’s…

39. Taking everyone fucking forever to get out of the water!

40. Again, the second you feel a nip, your reflex’s would make you pull back, how is it so hard for people to do that in this movie?

41. Explosion, well, explosion right before boats even hit each other. Nice timing douchebags.

42. Dragging body through sand, not good for wounds. I like how people are running completely away from the resort once they’re on land, as if the piranhas are gonna jump out of the water after them.

43. One fatality? They were able to drag a full grown man into the water from a canoe but they had a buffet of children and only managed to snag one?

44. Rope gone, rope back.

45. If that’s the control room, then that shit’s been flooded for a lot longer than you thought, bro.

46. Beer wasn’t knocked over by the current at all?

47. You would think the piranhas have so much other shit going on back at the resort, that this would be the last place they would go…

48. How did the little girl get to the resort and how did she get his cantene?

49. Dude, I’m just annoyed that the military went so out of their way to make sure people died, not warning anyone at all. That’s the worst way to try and cover this shit up.

50. Walking on the beach with your massive radio. Awesome.

Seriously, I’m still confused by that dinosaur creature thing that was spying on them in the beginning. Why didn’t we elaborate on that? I’m more interested to know wtf that shit was all about. Why even put that in the movie. FAIL.