Monthly Archives: March 2010
50 Reasons Why ‘The Craft’ (1996) Sucked
- The Craft
- Opened May 3, 1996 | Runtime:1 hr. 40 min.
- Teen misfits (Fairuza Balk, Neve Campbell) befriend a suicidal newcomer (Robin Tunney) and strike back at tormentors with witchcraft in Los Angeles.
- Cast: Robin Tunney, Fairuza Balk, Neve Campbell, Rachel True, Skeet Ulrich
- Director: Andrew Fleming
- Genres: Supernatural Horror, Teen Movie, Horror
Obviously the plot is so shitty and uninteresting that Fandango.com didn’t even put much effort into explaining it…
50 Reasons Why ‘G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra’ Sucked
- G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra
- Opened August 7, 2009 | Runtime:1 hr. 58 min.
- Director Stephen Sommers (The Mummy, Van Helsing) adapts the beloved Hasbro G.I. Joe toy line with this Paramount Pictures production that pits the Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity against the evil forces of the organization known as Cobra. Dennis Quaid and Channing Tatum star as General Hawk and Duke Hauser, respectively, with Joseph Gordon-Levitt and Marlon Wayans leading the rest of the cast, including Sienna Miller, Ray Park, Rachel Nichols, Christopher Eccleston, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Saïd Taghmaoui, and Asian film star Lee Byung-hun.
- Cast: Dennis Quaid, Channing Tatum, Adewale Akinnuoye-Agbaje, Marlon Wayans, Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Rachel Nichols, Sienna Miller, Christopher Eccleston, Saïd Taghmaoui, Lee Byung-hun
- Director: Stephen Sommers
- Genres: Action Thriller, Action
Well, where do I start? I think my favorite actor in this movie was Snake Eyes… only for the fact that he never spoke. The action in this would entertaining anyone who isn’t over the age of 13 and the story jumped around too much. I think that’s all I need to say for this one. On with my 50:
50 Reasons Why ‘G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra’ Sucked
1. Really, medieval times… in France? I thought I was watching G.I. Joe?
2. What kind of “arms” is he supplying? Axes and picks? An arrow or two?
3. He definitely won’t have eyes after this…
4. Not too distant future- this is sooooo distant, what with the hardcore nanomites and shit.
5. He needed to get a signature for handing over that case- he never did.
6. All I know is if Chris Costa was in this convoy- shit would be OK.
7. Chit-chattin’ in the convoy, lettin’ your guard down.
8. This is a really dark scene I can barely see shit- Oh ok, I paused it, brightened my TV settings, and now I can see fine… like a normal movie. I’ll have to readjust back to normal settings when this is over.
9. Driving H2s in the Army?
10. Strategically both helicopters fell in front and back of the convoy blocking them in. Mmhmm.
11. If the bad guys have this type of technology- why the fuck would they need those nano thingys?
12. Shooting at bad guy plane when you saw that the helicopters didn’t work shooting at them. It should be an E&E at that point.
13. She had sequence lining her tits.
14. That’s an old beat up futuristic plane.
15. Fly from Egypt to America or wherever that quickly and then back to Egypt. So has to be super distant future.
16. Does she really need her tits out when fighting? That’s exposed area to shoot.
17. Hydraulic suit- so it’s like Iron Man.
18. Brendan Fraser’s in this- shouldn’t he be like, attacking mummies? He’s in Egypt and all.
19. Is redhead running? What is she doing, what is that? She’s so tarded looking.
20. I wonder how much money FN paid to have these guns in this movie…
21. Why’s he wear white? To be unique?
22. Imhotep! Imhotep is in this?! Where’s Rachel Weiz, we need the whole cast from The Mummy in here!
23. He cocked a 1911… 1911’s are always cocked.
24. Yeah, he’s a compromise to the mission, ex-girlfriend and all. Hard feelings…
25. That didn’t really make a big explosion, not for having 6 grenades on there.
26. She must have some hardcore upper body strength.
27. That was a shotgun, not a machine gun. Wtf, why did I just hear machine gun noise?
28. I didn’t think Japs had refridegerators back in the day, just like, blocks of ice.
29. How’d they get kids to do this? They must be midgets.
30. I thought we already established who she was.
31. His gun was out when he ducked down by that vehicle, then after getting bubblegum and standing up, it’s already loaded… ???
32. You’re telling me he’s not dead after they leveled that building. *facepalm*
33. How’d he get back already stateside? Just because your friend dies in combat with you doesn’t mean they’ll ship you back home right away.
34. Does anyone actually USE throwing stars? You’d think they’re kinda for show only.
35. Oh come on, crotch rocket seriously. I could honestly believe the mechanical skills of the body thing but NOT that motorcycle. Even this ninja hopping around and what not is more believable.
36. “Some place with a lot of metal…” Duh, Effiel Tower. Obviously you didn’t see the previews.
37. That H2 is still unphased.
(I couldn’t find a picture of the one in the movie, so here is the toy version:)
38. Of course it always has to take out a bridge or some shit in the process.
39. Needle in a coal mine- haystack- haystack in a coal mine. Um what.
40. “Duke’s gotta be in there.” “And the warheads.” NO Shit.
41. OMG That guy is in The Mummy too! The scientist! He plays that little whiny bitch who served Imhotep!
42. “Anna will never know about this”- you’re alive- that means I can get married now.
43. If that came out of the ground, that ice would be so fucked up and their faces would have melted off.
44. “Bust a cap”… Really?
45. I don’t think that could have turned around like that, doing Mach 6…
46. She’s like his R2D2.
47. Missiles don’t erratically fly like that.
48. Enough with the slicing, just STAB him already.
49. French kiss- what if the nanomites get in him like AIDS…
50. Don’t you think every time they open that up a shit ton of sand would flow into their base? Just sayin…
As ginarsnape from Fandango.com said it perfectly: “It takes a special kind of terrible to get me to notice things like bad CGI. Everything looked like someone didn’t finish their course in Photoshop before getting hired.”
FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Sorority Row’ Sucked
- Sorority Row
- Opened September 11, 2009 | Runtime:1 hr. 40 min.
- Cassidy (Briana Evigan), Jessica (Leah Pipes), Claire (Jamie Chung), Ellie (Rumer Willis) and Megan (Audrina Patridge) are sorority sisters and true-blue friends to the end — until a prank gone wrong resulting in Megan’s demise. Rather than risk their futures by reporting the crime, the friends agree to cover it all up. Cassidy and company learn to regret their decision one year later when a stalker begins sending them videos of the night Megan died. Unfortunately for the sorority girls, the stalker doesn’t intend to only send videos but to go after them and anyone who knows their secret.
- Cast: Briana Evigan, Leah Pipes, Rumer Willis, Jamie Chung, Audrina Patridge, Carrie Fisher
- Director: Stewart Hendler
- Genres: Slasher Film, Horror
I just want to say to the killer in this film, “Really? So weak- go watch a few more slasher films before trying this on your own.” It was so painful watching this…
50 Reasons Why ‘Sorority Row’ Sucked
1. I don’t understand how ‘partying’ could configure into the rating. I mean, it’s not illegal if they’re all over 21…
2. Dude Carrie Fisher, you look so goddamned old.
3. Of course, there’s always the one nerdy girl in sororities and she always has to have her glasses.
4. Typical bitchyness. So over played.
5. Spewing up all the cum from earlier?
6. Escalade, now!
7. They’re all going into a mining place? Be careful not to run into My Bloody Valentine guy, that movie sucked too.
8. Dude, Blondie looks more like 30.
9. ‘Call 911’- they’ve already established there’s no reception though…
10. Cassidy or whatever obviously smokes WAY too much, her voice is so hoarse.
11. Really, letting bitch run off and still disposing the body? I’d be disposing TWO bodies at that point.
12. “What if this is a mistake?” Dude, you’ve already gone too far, no looking back now.
13. Wash blood off in lake? That’s shit’s not just gonna wash off, you need BLEACH.
14. Why would he bring that up so randomly, talking about how Megan dissappeared “You were all so close.”
15. Reminding me of my dead friend makes me so horny.
16. “Friend me on Facebook, I’ll totally confirm.” *facepalm*
17. 22 links blah blah blah, I’m sure this will tie into the ending somehow…
18. Who walks like that, seriously. (Jugs walking into her shrinks)
19. Holy Jesus, hooded tire-iron man is an AWESOME marksman.
20. Oh ow, that makes me want to gag.
21. Then why pick up books? Just read cliff notes if you don’t like surprises.
22. I love how all of the sisters look like porn stars because of their boobs. As if all college girls look like this.
23. Oh tell me this one doesn’t die in the shower, way too typical.
24. She must be wearing Urban Decay because her makeup is still perfect even after the shower.
25. So random girl’s gonna die just because she overheard?
26. Why is random girl scared? She doesn’t know there’s a killer on the loose, she’s just being paranoid in the shower?
27. Redhead shines flashlight into face to see if it works.
28. No light system in the basement? Go figure, dying batteries in the flash light.
29. “Nobody is dead Ellie! Well, Megan…” Dude, lol.
30. Hide the jacket? By herself? There’s no buddy system, they are all tarded.
31. K, friend pin will come in handy at the end of this movie obviously if they keep showing it.
32. Yes, we understand, people like to party, can we move on in the plot, please?
33. Because running around being the only hooded figure isn’t obvious.
34. Why would he think Ellie would be alone in the dark in the construction area?
35. Does the killer carry like, a bag of tire irons?
36. Wtf would he be doing out there like that, and in the perfect sight of the Escalade?
37. Well she deserves falling in there, that was a dumb shit idea.
38. How’d she get out of the mineshaft?
39. “I’m good.” (Flashes flare gun)
40. Running around with the lights off, but th emusic still on…
41. Hell Yea Princess Leia, wait why doesn’t she have a cell phone to call the cops?
42. So is this guy Megan’s boyfriend or what?
43. This house has been on fire and there are still no fire trucks…
44. Why is Megan’s body in a closet?
45. 83 miles and back all of a sudden?
46. Fucking knew it.
47. Valedictorian- wow I really didn’t need that history lesson. He really had that speech down.
48. That fucking Maggie bitch, should have gotten out when the fire had just started.
49. So only that one little part of the floor fell and not the part she was already holding onto? So lucky, that girl.
50. K what is this, 3 chicks leaving the fire in slow motion with stupid ass music. Dumb.
Just another typical teen slasher film. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever’ Sucked
- Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever
- Opened August 21, 2009
- A flesh-eating virus targets unsuspecting teenagers at a high-school prom.
- Cast: Noah Segan, Rusty Kelley, Alexi Wasser, Marc Senter, Giuseppe Andrews, Rider Strong
- Director: Ti West
- Genres: Horror Comedy, Horror
Even as a ‘horror comedy’ this doesn’t work. It’s not funny and they tried way too hard with the gore.
50 Reasons Why ‘Cabin Fever 2: Spring Fever’ Sucked
1. I bet he walks to the right because he’s missing part of his head…
2. Are you serious that was a straight road, that driver could have totally stopped a shit ton of times without hitting him.
3. He just put his pen in that and now it’s in his mouth. He’s not infected?
4. Most people have pictures on their cell phones…
5. Of course, every Springfield is fucked up in some sort of way.
6. This is the cheap way, instead of actually making a video.
7. So this stuff is impervious to filtration?
8. Clean the bloody truck out in front of the school.
9. Usually school halls are a lot busier than this.
10. “I don’t want to see you here again.” But I go to school here.
11. The school has ///M colors.
12. Danny Glover the janitor?
13. Key the cheesy music.
14. Is this going to turn into a porno?
15. Underage boobs.
16. I don’t like this kid. It was like the actor watched Superbad on repeat for a week before starting this roll.
17. She’s like an emu with a wig on.
18. Wow, that’s a lot of filler for nothing.
19. Omg she’s going into prayer- do CPR bitch.
20. If my nail falls off, i know shit’s going down.
21. Horrible music.
22. This is like, the longest intro to anything.
23. “Rick what are you doing here?” Hog hunting, obviously.
24. What is this janitor’s problem?
25. She’s not fucking Shamu, ew.
26. Holy Jesus black man. Guess that’s what happens when you have a long snake…
27. No wonder he wanted to have sex with her in here- he doesn’t have to hold her and deal with all that weight.
28. Need a bigger lasso than that for that wildebeast.
29. “Turn down the Sepultura!” Ahahahaha, that shouldn’t be a reason why I hate this movie, that’s pure awesomeness. But yeah, I guess that is pretty damn cheesy.
30. Why’d they shoot him? Unless thery’re in eradication mode.
31. Yes, we get it- people like to drink.
32. This kid is screaming and his voice was already annoying to begin with.
33. So much damn dialogue for a movie that’s supposed to be all gore. Gore films don’t normally drain on like this.
34. The fade away scream by the pool. Nice.
35. Spewing like that and the mechanical sounds of the spray…
36. Omg mermaid photo op and the chick has her head through the hole spewing blood.
37. Because patting on doors will get you out.
38. What kind of gas is this because nobody is affected by it…
39. I knew those vaginas were killer.
40. I’m tired of this stoner hippie cop.
41. Such a pathetic run into a wall fall.
42. Nice galoshes.
43. He didn’t secure the rest of that room, just saw dying chick on floor and assumed the rest of the room was clear…
44. I don’t know what the point of that was, I mean they just squirted his infected blood all over them.
45. You’d think they’d have all the exits blocked.
46. I lost too much blood to go on with you but I just popped up like no other to stop them from coming after you.
47. That’s the end of the movie?
48. wtf were those, chickens?
49. Strip club is like, beyond crappy. Hey, they’re not allowed to do that!
50. We get it, the virus is travelling.
I have many gripes with this including the animation but my main issue was that the guy at the end of Cabin Fever 1 ended up in the hospital. In the beginning of this one it shows him crawling out of a lake and getting hit by a bus. Ummmm, what? FAIL.
50 Reasons Why ‘The Box’ Sucked
- The Box
- Opened November 6, 2009
- A suburban couple, Norma (Cameron Diaz) and Arthur (James Marsden), face a moral dilemma when they receive a gift that bears irrevocable consequences. With the press of a button, their simple wooden box will bestow $1 million; however, a stranger somewhere else will die, at the same time. The box will be theirs for only 24 hours, and as time ticks away, Norma and Arthur confront the depth of their humanity as they consider their choices.
- Cast: Cameron Diaz, James Marsden, Frank Langella, James Rebhorn, Holmes Osborne
- Director: Richard Kelly
- Genres: Psychological Sci-Fi, Thriller
Women are evil and fall for the guilling serpent with the promise of money and the man like Adam goes along. Stupid and boring movie.”
50 Reasons Why ‘The Box’ Sucked
1. He makes his wife go downstairs to get the door…
2. If it was 2002, this could have been Anthrax.
3. Look at that wallpaper, it’s an acid trip waiting to happen.
4. I would have pushed that bitch already.
5. Nowadays the bomb squad would have been called.
6. Why’d she get a southern accent? She can’t pull it off.
7. Good for the film crew that they didn’t need to change anything on the set, Virginia still looks like this, still shitty.
8. Someone’s got a foot fetish.
9. You’re not even going to tell the class what happened to your foot?
10. So she doesn’t get free lunches at school anymore? I don’t understand what they took away from her…
11. “Mrs. Lewis, your foot looks like my face.”
12. If I had said no to letting you in, it’d be discriminating.
13. “I’ve never had much of an appetite.” Well because food falls out the side of my face.
14. This shows you that women shouldn’t make decisions without the men around.
15. How does everyone know about her foot- or even care?
16. After all those years and she’s still limping like it happened last week.
17. It’s a blue occult, and they’re not joining.
18. So if they push it- is that $100 added on or do they only get $999,999?
19. “What are you doing?” What does it look like I’m doing, I’m taking it apart.
20. Epic 70’s music.
21. When you don’t have all of your toes you walk like a zombie.
22. “1 million dollars” Ima need that briefcase back for the next person though so shovel it all out please.
23. Yeah take the box that’s wrapped just like the THE Box.
24. What’s with that creepy kid that she teaches. He’s fucking annoying.
25. “Let’s see how that new foot works on the dance floor.”
26. Cameron Diaz stops dancing and awkwardly smiles. HORRIBLE acting.
27. You have a bloody nose and I don’t know you but I’ll get it for you.
28. Does this Stewart guy have Low Jack on them?
29. So the Valet guy wrote that on my car? Thanks asshole.
30. I have to get out of the vehicle because I can’t read it backwards.
31. He didn’t know where the babysitter lived.
32. Crazy babysitter- you’re fucking not watching my kid anymore.
33. Dolby Surround sound noise as they pull into the lodge.
34. This is like West Side Story going on, they all going to start clicking their fingers?
35. So is this like a Jesus film now or a red pill/blue pill choosing paths and shit?
36. Why does everyone keep bleeding out the nose?
37. Eternal damnation? And he has to pick one? If only he didn’t go to the library…
38. Weird to have sex like that but ok…
39. I’d be so fucking pissed if I flooded the house like that.
40. Dude seriously kid, I’ll tell you when you’re older, but for right now, fuck off.
41. Only will solve the problem with more alcohol in my system.
42. “Get in the truck!” It’s an SUV.
43. Goddamned Salvation Army Santa.
44. Couldn’t they just make another baby?
45. Man up and get an axe or something seeing as smacking the door doesn’t work.
46. Why’s it always the wife pushing it? Women are so greedy.
47. “Why do I always get these gunshot reports?”
48. So wait, can the kid hear again?
49. Back in the day you look like a thug when you’re on the SWAT Team…
50. Now, my kid gets thrown into the mix, so it should be 2 million dollars buddy.
All this 70’s shit, and my main concern was her foot the whole damn time. FAIL.
50 Reasons Why These Movies Suck 