25 Reasons Why ‘Gravity’ Sucked

Really, I could do 50 but they would all be about how scientifically wrong this movie is. I won’t bother you with that because you can see those on many other sites. Not much actually happened in this movie either, making it pointless to 50. It’s like ‘Open Water’ in space.

Gravity (2013)

Rated PG-13 | For Intense perilous sequences, some disturbing images and brief strong language

Synopsis: The destruction of their shuttle leaves two astronauts stranded in space with no hope of rescue.

25 Reasons Why ‘Gravity’ Sucked

1. If there is no sound in space, then shouldn’t this be a silent film?

2. I didn’t think people were supposed to be off tether like George Clooney?

3. NASA paying millions of dollars for George Clooney to just be fucking around on his space jet pack.

4. Camera constantly bobbling around.

5. George Clooney’s stories that nobody cares about. The constant rambling.

6. Sandra yelling “Ah! Ah! Ah!”. Obnoxious.

7. Seems like maybe she had better odds staying attached…

8. What is so red & shining on her, that’s not the sun. I know the cameras are going for aesthetically pleasing, but seriously.

9.Would she stop spinning? I don’t think she would slow down.

10. This dude would not look like this. His head would have combusted.

11. A retainer & Marvin the Martian fly out the gaping hole in the shuttle, but not two bodies.

12. I think George & Sandra would know not to be talking so much since it wastes oxygen.

13. She knows she’s low on oxygen, and yet, freaks out. Even as a nurse (what she’s supposed to be on Earth), you know that freaking out only makes your breathing worse. She should know better.

14. Yeah, the shoots are loose & all, but not the last part of them. She could have pulled him in just fine.

15. Plus, I don’t understand what is making him pull so bad in the first place. In real life, if he let go of her, he would just continue to float right next to her- no flinging off into space.

16. She takes her first layer of suit off & all she has are booty shorts & a tank top? WHAT? What about the diaper & all the sweat?

17.   Going into that pod with all of that oxygen & her being so low on it- She would get so high breathing it all in.

18. For the record, I would have noticed the sparks and the mini fire.

19. It probably took her another 7 minutes to put another suit on!

20. That whole fire extinguisher thing- yeah, NO. She’d be all over the place with that thing. Nice try, though.

21. She’s not concerned this space craft is shaking like it’s got Parkinson’s.

22. It’s not likely that this space station would “die” this quickly.

23. Once again, movie writers blaming everything on the Russians.

24. Even I know to take off all my heavy clothes before leaving a pod that has landed in water.

25. Gravity sickness. Lay there. Enjoy it.

FAIL.

50 Reasons Why ‘Snow White & the Huntsman’ Sucked

9/Oct/2012
Current Thoughts: Visually great, disaster otherwise.

• Snow White and the Huntsman
• Opened June 1, 2012 | Runtime:2 hr 7 min
• PG-13

  Intense Sequences of Action, Brief Sensuality and Intense Sequences of Violence

• Information for parents: Common Sense Media says OK for kids 14+. Read More
• In a twist to the fairy tale, the Huntsman ordered to take Snow White into the woods to be killed winds up becoming her protector and mentor in a quest to vanquish the Evil Queen.
• Cast: Kristen Stewart, Chris Hemsworth, Charlize Theron, Sam Claflin, Sam Spruell, Ian McShane
• Director: Rupert Sanders
• Genres: Action/Adventure, Sci-Fi/Fantasy

50 Reasons Why ‘Snow White & the Huntsman’ Sucked

1. Oh Christ, Thor’s in this. Well, at least it’s an easy transition.

2. I’ve pricked my finger & blood’s never came gushing out like that, you really have to squeeze.

3. Because that’s the first thing I think of too when I see blood. Naming my future daughter.

4. Dark Army does a shitty job of taking care of their flags.

5. Ravenna starts talking all crazy about hating men & he’s still kissing on her.

6. Shittiest attempts to escape the castle.

7. The mirror is actually a T1000 Limited Gold Edition.

8. You really had to go all the way out to the middle of the floor just to say that? Thanks, mirror.

9. Snow, you’ve got a nice flame going- I think you’re good on the blowing.

10. Statue of Liberty made out of Elmer’s Glue.

11. Ravenna obviously wasn’t breathing at all when she did this ‘milk’ bath thing because she’d totally have air bubbles popping out of her nose & spit bubbles.

12. Where’s Dumbledore?

13. Of course the queen has issues if she’s having this strange brother/sister relationship.

14. I’m not a fucking mirror right now.

15. After all these years of being stuck in this cell, she’s just now noticing this giant nail?

16. That’s it? That’s all you did? He’ll look like Scar now but dude, you should’ve shanked him.

17. You think she’d be all lethargic & winded from being trapped so long.

18. She jumped like, 3ft. It looked much higher than that.

19. She didn’t drown from the dress.

20. How convenient. A horse.

21. Army already right there to get her.

22. Omg Artax. Not the Swamp of Sadness! And she doesn’t stick around to cry for an hour? That’s almost mandatory.

23. Alien noise. Where’s Ridley Scott? It’s because Charlize is in this?

24. Charlize- always on the verge of crying, no matter what role.

25. “You really miss her.” Well no shit, she was my wife.

26. “A life for a life.” Someone get Creasy Bear!

27. These woods are like 2 seconds away from the castle?

28. CGI not the best in this movie but holy hell, his hand melting- that was bad.

29. William’s arrows making noises as they shoot into people.

30. Thanks Thor, that dress was actually irritating me. I’m shocked she didn’t rip it off a long time ago.

31. So he sneaks away from the village & it catches on fire & he’s still next to it. He must walk REALLY SLOW & she must have been asleep for only like 5 minutes. And BAM, he’s already back to save her.

32. At least her hair is finally in a ponytail. You can’t be in the wilderness without that shit.

33. They couldn’t get actual midgets?

34. Omg, my allergies would be driving me crazy. I think I would seriously die here.

35. It got kinda hokey here in fairy land. Kinda gay.

36. So no one sees this deer because of its rarity & he’s supposed to be like a nature god???? And he’s standing in a pond next to a tree??? I swear to god we are now watching a live action version of ‘Princess Mononoke’… Take a step, seriously, make something grow. And it gets shot!!!

37. God, this movie is dragging on.

38. William is more dirty looking than Gus who supposedly lives in the woods.

39. It’s been miles & you’re just now trying to apologize for leaving me all those years ago?

40. Fucking sweet Lady Gaga.

41. This is why Kristen Stewart was casted- because she’s good at laying & playing dead.

42. Worst battle motivation speech ever.

43. Why’d Ravenna let herself go that long if she had this plethora of girls?

44. Snow’s position riding to the castle- just pick a spot! Fucking continuity.

45. Well maybe she should’ve kept her hair down with those dumbo ears.

46. At the rate these ‘glass Venom’s’ are going, there shouldn’t be anyone left alive.

47. Holding Snow over the fire- her hair should be completely singed.

48. Waste of power standing in the fire, looking all crazy.

49. You’re queen now, why don’t you smile?

50. What is he, a Jedi now? Huntsman, what are you wearing?

FAIL.

50 Reasons Why ‘Lockout’ Sucked

18/July/2012

Current Thoughts: I don’t think Guy Pearce smokes enough in this movie.

Lockout

• Opened April 13, 2012 | Runtime:1 hr 35 min
• PG-13

  Language, Intense Sequences of Violence, Intense Sequences of Action and Some Sexual References

• Information for parents: Common Sense Media says OK for kids 14+. Read More
• A man is wrongly convicted of conspiracy to commit espionage against the U.S. He’s offered his freedom if he can rescue the president’s daughter from an outer space prison taken over by violent inmates.
• Cast: Guy Pearce, Maggie Grace, Vincent Regan, Joe Gilgun, Lennie James, Peter Stormare
• Directors: James Mather, Stephen Saint Leger
• Genres: Action/Adventure, Suspense/Thriller

50 Reasons Why ‘Lockout’ Sucked

1. Two wife insults in less than a minute into the movie. Fantastic.

2. I can’t even tell what’s going on with this fight, fucking camera can’t sit still.

3. Names & job title aren’t up on the screen long enough.

4. Agents just barge in & shoot the mattress & shoot up the room- not caring about anyone else in other rooms.

5. Cartoon CGI motorcycle thing chase.

6. The gun drops & shoots the cop. How convenient.

7. “Would you like to see it?” Well that’s why I’m up here on this space ship, right?

8. Shitty hand rails.

9. Was the black guy hiding that little gun on his leg? Why show that you are hiding your gun when you are already hiding it?

10. Guy is going through the Prisoner Stasis Procedure- happening the same time Maggie’s on MS1?

11. This little Scottish guy needs subtitles.

12. Hydell magically gets the Hock’s gun because he knows it’s there.

13. BAM random explosion.

14. Why would you follow what he’d say?

15. All these prisoners are supposed to be waking from a deep sleep & it’s THAT QUICK to recoop.

16. No containment at all. So what if it’s in space, it’s still a prison.

17. Are they ALL Scottish?

18. Why is Alex all of a sudden the big boss of the prisoners? Because all 500 know who he is & respect him… OK.

19. That one little button makes all the turrets go crazy.

20. And the architectural reasoning for MS1 being a claw-ball is???

21. Why is the escape pod not on the schematics? Do the employees at least know?

22. “What’s going on here? Who are you?!” Cliché.

23. Warren begins to tell the prisoners that she’s the president’s daughter. Why? That wouldn’t save him from dying. Retarded.

24. Alex doesn’t get rid of Hydell for being an obnoxious fuck face. They must be related.

25. Wounded woman- Perfect, we have one of those! Very convienent, super naïve.

26. I don’t understand how gravity is pulling Guy towards MS1.

27. Puts thing around prisoner’s neck & it apparently explodes. Too bad we couldn’t get an R rating so I could see half the shit that happens in this movie.

28. If Guy wasn’t talking so loudly into his mic that random prisoner wouldn’t have found him.

29. “What is that?” Cameras in places you wouldn’t normally have cameras.

30. Jesus, how many engineers do they have?

31. “Something happened, somehow she’s got more oxygen.” Ugh. Facepalm.

32. Harry Shaw talking to Snow, telling him where to go- not on a separate line from what the prisoners can hear.

33. Typical woman being rescued has to be a bitch. It’s not his job to be nice to you.

34. The goop was brown & it turned her blonde hair super black.

35. Walking through prisoners nonchalantly & she’s so obviously out of place with her head down.

36. I know she’s got painkillers but she’s moving awfully well for having a shot leg.

37. Eastern seaboard- Always an ocean- never in the middle of a continent.

38. How did she even get out of the pod without him noticing?

39. Loading gun towards her.

40. Common elevator issues.

41. Alex got stabbed in the stomach & is instantly dead.

42. Talk about JUST A MOVIE. No depth at all.

43. There is suddenly a shit ton of prisoners after them.

44. They just Death Starred the MS1. It’s bad enough this movie should be simply called “Escape From New York: In Space” they HAD to add something from Star Wars.

45. Skydiving that high up with no air to breathe.

46. In 2 seconds they fell to Earth- quicker than a real skydive.

47. I didn’t see a single FN SCAR up in space by the way, like on the cover. That was the whole reason why I watched this movie.

48. She’s such a good detective.

49. Guy can’t get a different shirt?

50. For the amount of times you used the lighter, Jesus. How did Frank know Guy was going to smoke that much that he’d run out of lighter fluid & go to check it? Wait, now the lighter works again?

FAIL.

50 Reasons Why ‘Chronicle’ Sucked

14/Jun/2012

Current Thoughts: “I’m not Akira! I am Tetsuo.”

Chronicle

• Opened February 3, 2012 | Runtime:1 hr 24 min
• PG-13

  Some Language, Sexual Content, Intense Action and Violence, Teen Drinking and Thematic Material

• Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 14+. Read More
• Andrew is a socially awkward, introverted teen whose main form of escape and expression is a video camera. But things begin to change when Andrew, his cousin Matt and popular classmate Steve discover a mysterious substance that leaves them with incredible powers. As their abilities become more powerful, the teens’ lives spin out of control when their darker sides begin to emerge. Andrew’s camera captures the unfolding events.
• Cast: Dane DeHaan, Alex Russell, Michael B. Jordan, Michael Kelly, Ashley Hinshaw, Bo Petersen, Anna Wood, Rudi Malcolm, Luke Tyler
• Director: Josh Trank
• Genres: Action/Adventure, Suspense/Thriller

50 Reasons Why ‘Chronicle’ Sucked

1. Of course: Drunk dad, emo kid.

2. “I bought a camera & I’m filming everything.” That wouldn’t stop me if I were drunk dada. I’d take it, smash it, ruin the tapes, etc.

3. Go figure, mom’s sick. How many other clichés can we add to this?

4. Crunching of chips. It’s so loud as if he’s wearing a mic.

5. Bullying the kid in front of a video camera. Idiots. Show that shit to your principle. Or the cops.

6. Slides the camera on the ground towards you. Why didn’t you catch it?

7. Not take the camera to a party? Kids would love that shit.

8. Shittiest light on that camera.

9. He acts like he’s never been hit by his dad before.

10. It always has to be that awkward huge camera, not a little flip cam.

11. So what if there is another person filming, and a girl. Does not mean you HAVE to fall in love with her.

12. It’s a rave- you can’t chit chat in there like they are.

13. He turns it off when he gets shit on his camera. But then he turns it on & cries on camera while he cleans it. Kill yourself.

14. Crazy moonlight.

15. This is way too nice to just be a hole in the ground, no fishers or anything.

16. “It’s messing with it.” He wouldn’t be able to tell if the sound was messing with the camera until he plays it back, when you are recording, you don’t hear the interference.

17. Positioning Matt & Steve- how about you just zoom out?

18. That was the worst CGI baseball. Wow & legos.

19. Cave sunk in. ZOOM OUT. People don’t ALWAYS have shit zoomed in.

20. The excuse for every POV movie… “I HAVE TO DOCUMENT.” Obnoxious.

21. There is such thing called a tripod. You don’t need to waste your powers.

22. Why is there a random leaf blower just sitting out in a school? Kids play with that shit. Janitors are smarter than that.

23. So stereotypical, having one token black kid.

24. He’s running for class president so he’s the most popular kid in school. No one is wondering why he suddenly stopped hanging out with his regular friends?

25. Why are they running away in the store?

26. Rain pouring perfectly but the camera is fine.

27. Why would it matter if he called the cops?

28. Cops don’t want to see the camera to see what happened?

29. They didn’t break their legs or anything when they landed like that?

30. Bro talk on top of the super tall building. No hardcore wind noise.

31. Her every two seconds, “How are they doing this?” Stfu.

32. How old is redhead? She looks like she’s in her mid 20’s.

33. Is that supposed to be jizz?

34. Dad & son are arguing & the camera is filming.

35. Asking Andrew what happened- waste of time.

36. Mound of dirt on Steve’s grave.

37. Getting all exciting in the junkyard.

38. Pretty sweet that he has no window pane.

39. Night time & that pharmacy is still open.

40. Firefighter outfit to rob people. Don’t stand out too much!

41. Can that happen? Was the shotgun loaded with EXPLOSIVES???

42. Who set up his camera in his hospital room & why? Did Andrew have a note in his pocket that said to do that?

43. Dude, nurses would have come in & told him to tone it down a bit.

44. Casey, for being a serious blogger- sucks at filming.

45. They wouldn’t tranquilize Andrew? Or shoot him?

46. This totally reminds me of ‘Akira’. Just the two of them, flying & fucking up buildings while Andrew looks like ass.

47. Somebody shoot this kid already.

48. I think you need more than just a beanie to be flying in this.

49. Yelling near some monks.

50. That’s nice, leaving the camera in Tibet. I’d just dump the tape.

FAIL.

50 Reasons Why ‘Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance’ Sucked

29/Jun/2012

Current Thoughts: Well, at least his skull doesn’t look so tacky this time…

Ghost Rider: Spirit Of Vengeance

• Opened February 17, 2012 | Runtime:1 hr 36 min
• PG-13

  Intense sequences of action and violence, some disturbing images and language

• Information for parents: Common Sense Media says Iffy for 13+. Read More
• While hiding out in Eastern Europe, Johnny Blaze (Nicolas Cage) must once again become the Ghost Rider when members of a secret church hire him to save a boy from Satan.
• Cast: Nicolas Cage, Ciarán Hinds, Violante Placido, Idris Elba, Johnny Whitworth, Fergus Riordan
• Directors: Mark Neveldine, Brian Taylor
• Genres: Action/Adventure, Horror, Sci-Fi/Fantasy

“”worlds darkest hero” i dont see it the Guy is a fucking walking torch”

Says isantamies2 on YouTube

50 Reasons Why ‘Ghost Rider 2’ Sucked

1. Eastern Europe without accents…

2. Fortress my ass. They were overtaken in less than a minute.

3. It’s been so long since the last movie that they have to recap.

4. Annoying style of filming. The cameraman is drunk.

5. Damage to vehicles that magically go away in the next shots.

6. She looks extremely trashy.

7. Horrible CGI rounds ejecting.

8. Why is he beating the car door when he could just strike the glass?

9. Wow. Shooting the gun towards the vehicle where the kid is in front of.

10. I’d be done just seeing the ghost rider. I couldn’t imagine bullets working.

11. “Hungry.” He sounds so sophisticated.

12. Suck his fucking soul already.

13. “Get some.” Seriously.

14. They have grenades on their pump action shotgun. Retarded.

15. Police would be walking into his room, or at least be more attentive.

16. She recognizes him by his clothes or what?

17. He can never play a nice, good role, huh?

18. Yes. We know you’ve got hand issues. No need to keep checking it out.

19. How’d she get to keep her gun?

20. Even though it’s not a real gun- it’s not loaded. Try harder or get a bigger budget.

21. Jerry Springer, the devil. How quirky. Not.

22. Always. Car crashes ALWAYS result in explosions.

23. “I’m not afraid of you.” “You should be.” Terrible dialogue.

24. Did Sam Raimi make this movie?

25. Mom & that butterfly knife.

26. So grenades are better than this bunker blaster thing?

27. It’d be so hot, people couldn’t stand right there. A little crazy.

28. I understood the “jackass” & “I’m dead” part, no need for subtitles.

29. “What’d you do to me?” Made you albino. That’s the worst.

30. His bike sounds like the truck is going like 10mph.

31. Speaking of noise, the engine noises throughout this movie aren’t even what the engines should be making.

32. You know… they do sell a thing called “paper”.

33. Spirit of Justice, Pegasus, yeah, let’s have a montage. We’re about due for one.

34. The fake lighting on them in the wine room.

35. Perfect timing, always right before the blade of death.

36. Says they are in Turkey now. This isn’t the type of movie that I really care where they are.

37. His voice is so annoying.

38. Typical priests & their crazy armory.

39. Politicians are the devil’s soldiers. Not goth kids.

40. This over used kid prophecy idea. Ugh.

41. I don’t see her ejecting rounds like she should be.

42. So what does it look like from a normal person’s view when he is decaying people?

43. Turned into Robert Dinero.

44. Cage takes way too much time turning into Ghost Rider.

45. It became daylight out in less than 30 seconds.

46. This kid sure is out cold a lot.

47. Ghost Rider & Decay guy are fighting on the vehicle. She’s so close behind when the truck is smoking & on fire. At one point she wouldn’t be able to see or breathe.

48. Can’t really decay something when it’s already dead… right?

49. “Roadkill” Ghost Rider’s retarded one word sayings.

50. Dude, don’t hold the kid. Singe all of his hair off & give him facial third degree burns.

FAIL.